This Poem was Submitted By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2008-10-27 03:48:55 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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You Are Not Him

I know it is wrong it can't be right as you hold me into the night. It is him on my mind, him which I see the warmth of your body is him touching me. As I look in your eyes darkened with gray your cold beating heart has made me this way. Life is not changing so it must be me rotating seasons I just can't see. Show me a smile, I'll show you a tear tell me of laughter,  I'll tell you of fear. Standing in shadows alone in the night hiding in corners away from the light. Looking at you, looking at me no, you are not him and never will be.

Copyright © October 2008 Rene L Bennett


This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2008-11-02 01:04:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Rene, Hmmm...I liked the way this flow...a lot of spontaniety...you were certainly venting in this piece..I could feel your anger and irritation as you compare what you have with what you want (the other man seems a sharp contrast to the guy you are with now). Though the rhyme at times seemed forced (try throwing in some slant rhyme)...the flow nullified it's ill effects. Duane.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-11-01 14:52:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Whoever he is I am sorry that he is not the one beside you......the pain of his not being there is felt deeply within the lines as one reads on.....though I do believe at one time perhaps there was a deeper connection with the two of you though obstacles have been put in the way....his eyes appear to be saying alot to you ......eyes darkened with gray.....cold beating heart ......making you feel the way you do. Perhaps you will write one more poem that connects to this one...I do believe it has possibilities to follow. Thanks for posting, be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2008-10-27 18:37:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow, Rene! Who knows if this is you or someone you know or even just the practical application of a person's in-depth emotions of being in a dark relationship. It might even be a couple where one has changed and grown while the other stays stagnant. The words are suspended in the quiet breeze of the night. I can picture a person’s thoughts penetrating their being yet unable to communicate these intense known thoughts. Can this person go on and survive? The true torment of the relationship and one in which this person needs to be free from is evident. The expression wells up from the core and this poem is truly powerful. I like the way it is written as it is one that is direct, strong, and intense. Thanks for being able to express what I am sure, some feel when they know what lies out there for them, yet they can’t touch. Debbie
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