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You Are Not Him I know it is wrong it can't be right as you hold me into the night. It is him on my mind, him which I see the warmth of your body is him touching me. As I look in your eyes darkened with gray your cold beating heart has made me this way. Life is not changing so it must be me rotating seasons I just can't see. Show me a smile, I'll show you a tear tell me of laughter, I'll tell you of fear. Standing in shadows alone in the night hiding in corners away from the light. Looking at you, looking at me no, you are not him and never will be. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2008-11-02 01:04:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Rene,
Hmmm...I liked the way this flow...a lot of spontaniety...you were certainly venting in this piece..I could feel your anger and irritation as you compare what you have with what you want (the other man seems a sharp contrast to the guy you are with now). Though the rhyme at times seemed forced (try throwing in some slant rhyme)...the flow nullified it's ill effects.
Duane.