This Poem was Submitted By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2009-09-22 13:23:18 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Awakened I sensed you in
endless plight;
you who saw me
in that time.
I was laid on
harmful soil.
Anguish exuded
as I wept.
Senses gone
all fear ensued.
Grief echoed
amidst the realm.
Eyes flaming
love numbed;
ensnared by evil’s
pledge.
Rage found sorrow,
fate swayed with
fresh raze.
I drifted in
misty lands to
return to deadened
sleep.
Now I wake
to find;
you were there…
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Copyright © September 2009 Debbie Spicer
Additional Notes:
The constrast to MY STRENGTH in a time of torment.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2009-10-03 22:54:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Debbie,
Missing 'him', dreaming of 'him'.
How miserable. How sad.
I believe you wept in your sleep.
And upon waking you could weep more.
Heart wrenching poetry.
Good.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2009-09-29 04:48:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Dear Debbie
I owe you a huge apology!! I thought I was writing to Deni-Mari!! Got it right this time though!!
I've read the two together, as your notes suggest. They do form a contrasting pair structurally. Thematically, though, they seem closer than one might expect, since it seems clear that they are intended to be counterparts of each other.
To me, "My strength" has significantly more strength than "Awakened", and that mainly because it has a more coherent structure. I couldn't convince myself that the free verse style of "Awakened" gave it any distinction other than a structural contrast to "My strength".
The pairing is certainly ambitious, and clearly reflects a great deal of thought given to your subject.
Best wishes
Mark
PS I apologise for repeating this critique for the two poems, but I do s only because they are a paired offering.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-09-24 23:46:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94444
Hi Debbie, I can share what I've been learning here at TPL while you were away. To add strength to my poems, to tighten them up; omit unnecessary words that take away from the flow - and all of the advice & help, from so many has helped me immensely.
With this there are seeds of internal pain, to express openly and share -
It's a good write, and the title fits the content - awake from something that was asleep, or numb in your life.
I can relate.
I sensed you in - Sensing you in endless plight, you who saw me amidst that time.
endless plight;
you who saw me
in that time.
I was laid on Laying on harmful soil, anguishly I wept.
harmful soil.
Anguish exuded
as I wept.
Senses gone Fears ensued with senses gone, grief echoed in the realm of eyes flaming
all fear ensued.
Grief echoed
amidst the realm.
Eyes flaming To love numbed ensnared by evil's pledge
love numbed;
ensnared by evil’s
pledge.
(I would separate these two verses)
Rage found sorrow,
fate swayed with
fresh raze.
I drifted in
misty lands to
return to deadened
sleep.
Now I wake
to find;
you were there…
Just some ideas - as JC has given so much to me - to aim at my write - and deliver it -
Very deep emotions, I wish you the best,
blessings,
Deni
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