This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2009-11-18 16:40:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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A Sea Tale

A Sea Tale The crystal waves have swept the castle’s sand yet now I cling to dreams that whisper still, inside the echo’s breath where they command the sea to speak with sweetened words at will; but shadow’s wraith now licks the liquid shore where once my secret castles stood with love. They’ll lie with pebbled tides forevermore while ocean’s cradle holds the water’s glove.

Copyright © November 2009 cheyenne smyth


This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2009-12-01 06:30:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Cheyenne, a very well thought out poignant write with such a lilting cadence (tetrameter) even in the face of such sadness. The gentle rhyme fits this perfectly and your well chosen verbiage colors this with intensity. Soft wondering images parade across the reader's mind while aloud-- your words dance delicately off the tongue and blaze into the mind. Kudos! No spags or nits. Lora


This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-11-22 21:08:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Cheyenne. I love the 'water' element. Perhaps this bias is based on my sun sign - Aquarius. I loved the freshness of this piece - in tune with that of the sea breeze - and the ending is dark and the best part of the poem. I can envision the abandoned sand castle and can hear the pebbled tides. A strong, emotionally charged piece. Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2009-11-21 22:50:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You have made me hear the whisper of the sea because of your chosen words. I love when the reader can have their senses awakened. I can hear, as well as see your images in this piece. I love "ocean's cradle holds the water's glove". I can feel so much sadness and regreat in this piece...memories of a earlier time, but then they can not be swept away..nothing can take them away as long as we have our mind. thanks for sharing cheyenne. Loved it!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2009-11-19 06:48:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Cheyenne I'm such a sucker for iambic pentameter that I HAD to comment. Especially such deft and evocative i.p. This is a lovely piece. I have one suggestion. Your last line has two words doing essentially the same job: 'cradle holds'. You could add a touch more to this by just letting the ocean 'cradle the water's glove': it doesn't need to 'hold' it as well. I hope you see what I mean. This then gives you an extra syllable that you might do other things with... ...and I can see that you're more than imaginative enough to do just that. Nice work. Cheers Mark
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