This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-12-20 03:42:51 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Stop Renting Space In My Heart

Brain pacing silently sitting still, adoration a quest for the magic pill. Trembling in order to keep my voice unheard, Not giving this empty heart a chance to be well served. You are driving my time left to right, and soon your face shall be out of sight. I’ll look on for gems in sky, Rainbow of tears no more will I cry. ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~ ~~ ~ (I) never counted the hours of love I gave you, or expected a promise of forever. It's hard to believe you turned so quickly, left and made me love sick, sickly.

Copyright © December 2009 DeniMari Z.

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2009-12-31 15:19:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hello Deni, I especially like the theme you used for this poem and the rhyming couplets are well done. You have said just what needs to be said and nothing more, which to me, makes the write more powerful. At first I wasn't sure about the last two lines, which came as a surprise as I thought the poem ended with the last couplet. On further reads I found the last two lines exceptional as they gave this reader more insight into the meaning of the poem. Well done. Best, cheyenne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2009-12-20 15:13:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I love the title! I must admit that I'm not fond of this particular style of verse,(with each line rhyming with the next) however, you have used it well to share your emotions. My guess is that alot of us have felt this way! I have a suggestion. adoration a quest for the magic pill. This feels like you searched for something to put here. ...I'm hard pressed to find a better line; or to understand why you used this one. Could you have used 'overkill'? It does fit (sort of) that adoration would be the thing that could spoil a good relationship, if it were one-sided. Too much is not a good thing when it is not shared equally. I actually like your last lines-kind of a footnote...those feel as if they flowed from you with absolute freedom. There's alot there, just in those two lines. Wouldn't that make a great place for another poem to blossom? Thanks for sharing this. I'm not skilled in critiqing, but I hope that my few comments have been usefull! Ellen
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