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Fairy Possible Through the air she moves like breath her golden fortress stilling depth Beauty traced her weary face with loving thoughts amidst a place Where life was well not bitter hell beyond the doves that captured spells Of goodness peace fairies brilliant wreaths laid along the path she keeps She keeps her treasured friends in close sends away the darkest foes in order to attain mere moments blessed with inner glow This magic walk of life in time she’ll get to know Like Winter silver's shimmering show |
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-03-05 10:05:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari, I'm going to be perfectly honest and show you what ordinarily,
were you not caught up in the moment, I believe you would see for yourself.
Especially since it only represents a disagreement between something as apparent
as "sound and sense".
Over the years I've noticed that people use a different standard on poetry sites
when they critique than when they poem. Almost as if resisting actually trying to
go into the poem of someone elses. A shortcoming I try and avoid and which, over time
people come to accept more, the constructive criticism I offer.
Were others to focus on this higher penetration instead of simply looking for something
"nice" to say to balance out what they perceive that's "negative" (the most horribly
misused concept in society today,) we'd all get to poetry excellence much more quickly.
The illusions, metaphors, euphemisms you employ here are early on betrayed by a mistake
your reader is not going to get over as the first bump in this poem's "road". Not that
anyone is going to tell you, except meanie man me (thought of adopting that MMM instead
of JCH.)
NEVER NEVER NEVER start out a poem using structured rhyme with an illusion, metaphor,
euphemism, even a simile that has no concretion in reality. From then on your reader
will not get over the incongruity of your reaching contrivance even if your poems'
"information" warrants it.
And, "...fortess stilling depth" is such a fatal flaw. Even worsened by fulfilling
meter and rhyme scheme so well. It has no literal meaning, no figurative, no meaning
poetically in imagery or reflection back on past poetic usage.
But worse than that it is a bump your reader will not get over unless they just tune
out to avoid being honest and apply sensitive reading.
If you benefit from this "confrontation" (and I really don't want to hurt your feelings
and honestly feel you've talent and depth...or I wouldn't even care) you will not create
a pile of embarassment that might become a lineage of embarassment to any established
poet further down the road of success.
Let me say, my dear, this applies to work by almost every poet here at one time or another.
And if I'm picking on you it's because I feel I have cause to expect you, more than the
others, to take this well and constructively.
Please, please, please, make those first lines doubly meaningful so that if you do take
leaps later on in the poem, they'll be an interpretive context for them.
JCH