This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-05-12 17:00:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Alive I walk a trail
along the calloused road
where lines of life
are lost among
sorrow’s pit
the skin of night
is peeled back exposing veins
of doubt since you walked
away with my last breath
early morning tea
stirred with honey sticks
sours in the rain
that falls on
leaded panes
finely etched promises
fade with lies
like bleached sheets
keep the stain
when roses climb the sill
and sugary dew
replaces tears I’ve shed
I sense my troubles waning
it’s then I realize I am still
alive
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Copyright © May 2010 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-05-21 01:06:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Cheyenne,
I rely heavily on rhyme to enhance the flow of my poetry and add a flavor of music to them. You dont, and are still able to make it soothe the reader as he/she reads through, retaining a musical quality to it as well. That's wonderful.
This is one of the starker peices that I have read of yours...with a profound sense of darkness. My favorite piece of imagery was that of the tea souring in the rain. Very original.
I liked this.
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-05-19 16:33:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Cheyenne,
Lovely lovely....
Your expressions original/creative/memorable.
calloused road/the skin of night/bleached sheets
You are alive and thriving! Your poetry is most always divine.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joe P. OGrady On Date: 2010-05-17 08:19:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Amazing! "Since you walked away with my last breath" is one of the most poignant descriptions of loss I've ever read.
Your similes are very powerful (I love "like bleached sheets keep the stain")and I am glad you ended the poem on a note of hope. It's like a final tonic to help cleanse the palate of the bitterness of loss and deceit.
To anyone who has loved and lost, this poem has to have great resonance. Well done!
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-05-15 03:55:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Beautiful imagery, especially in your 3rd verse. Love is one thing in life that is suppose to bring, passion, security, joy, peace, and security - yet the opposite is so detremental which literally can grow to proportions of death - crimes of passion etc.
You have maintained your poetic stance, and put together a tranquil piece on feelings when love is lost.
The hope for a brighter future is a perfect ending - Alive - we all survive a broken heart.
Great work,
blessings,
Deni
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