This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-12-04 14:29:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Masters of Fate

Foster no time walking a lane aligned with untended hedges for the cradle you were placed in safe and secure has passed you over years ago. Waken for the love of "you" to walk through better doors cut the bitter tongues and bleed no more. " Would you pick from the bottom and try to polish it over and over again?",                    or............. "Turn trash down" choose gems to come floating in, before the better of your soul grows old?" Only dogs beg for treats every day when encouraged by owner's love and happy ways. Time wasted lingering on the lane arranged to pay unreachable souls. We played and gave but today its the day to wander down the lane with a song of happiness for what we've learned from pain. At the end of this pathway we've walked  we've gained.

Copyright © December 2010 DeniMari Z.

Additional Notes:
All thoughts appreciated - if it's a mess tell me - that's why I love all of you so much.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2010-12-26 16:57:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Deni, this piece is like entering an addendum to Provers or the Wisdom of Solomon, in form and intent I believe. That is how I am approaching this work. Masters of Fate Foster no time walking a lane aligned with untended hedges for the cradle you were placed in safe and secure has passed you over years ago. - I am not sure what the thought is in this verse. My best guess at the teaching is that and “untended hedge” means a dead or slovenly servent who will be a bad influence on the walker. I would clarify this verse. Waken for the love of "you" to walk through better doors cut the bitter tongues and bleed no more. – A proverb on self worth and forgiveness. " Would you pick from the bottom and try to polish it over and over again?", or............. "Turn trash down" choose gems to come floating in, before the better of your soul grows old?" - It seems you are saying that one should expand horizons and embrace and experience that which may be ignored; before age has eliminated the possibility. Only dogs beg for treats every day when encouraged by owner's love and happy ways. – This stanza is confusing to me. Reacting favorably (begging for treats everyday) when confronted by an owner’s (love and happy ways) is a bad thing, or- being loyal like a dog is a good thing? Time wasted lingering on the lane arranged to pay unreachable souls. – Being slothful is not good; and in the service of influence (evangelism or philanthropy) those not reached, that could have been reached pay the penalty of penurism, that ultimately is owed by the slothful? We played and gave but today its the day to wander down the lane with a song of happiness for what we've learned from pain. – Another proverb of forgiveness, attitude and action. Even with the multi-line use, easily my favorite. At the end of this pathway we've walked we've gained. – Here is back to the path, which is marked by the stepping-stones of this verse. If followed, the outcome will grant its boon. An interesting piece Deni. I do not think it is a mess, but a couple of places (unless I am just daft) could be clarified. Invigorating read for just before a jog!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-12-11 17:00:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deni, I found this a engrossing read and was hooked on your poem down to the "We played and gave" starts. For me--from that point forward it broke ranks with the rest of your write and almost took on a preachy tone which didn't fit the tone of the rest of the poem. I know that is probably clear as mud...and, of course it is just MHO, however you may want to rework the last part a bit. Very dynamic start with a very zen message. Your beginning grabs the reader right off. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: kevin Dunn On Date: 2010-12-09 23:22:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni. I don't usually critique this kind of poem because I guess I just don't get them? I want to though. What i can say about this is that It definitely is not "a mess" It is clear that this was written with ease and not forced like so many of these I have read. There were a few poets if you could even call them that, who hung around here for a while. Who's writings like this were obviously either plagiarized or just words copied from a dictionary. Your sounds original and so nice to just read over. Thanks. kevin.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-12-06 23:41:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Deni, Good to see a post from you this December. Once again, there is a lot of passion in your writing. You keep your emotions raw and that's why they always come across as sincere. I feel you made a great start here and I was hoping the piece would end at 'bleed no more' so as to fence in maximum punch. Lrt me know what you think. There is a great message here nonetheless and I'm glad I read this. Hope all is well. Will talk soon. Duane.
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