This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2010-12-27 22:40:36 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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No Visible Scars
Her heart was frozen
Split wide open
With no evidence to show
The girl's wounds were real
But just concealed
As warm spring melted the snow
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Copyright © December 2010 Mandie J Overocker
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-01-16 11:19:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The imagery and sound is tight. The assonance almost vibrates like a frozen heart somehow still beating. The "split wide open" narrows it down to a broken heart effectively. And while the "wounds were real" paints a vivid picture and we are near to wondering if it is physical, we are left with hope her broken heart will in fact heal "as warm spring" can melt her frozen heart as it does the snow. It is tight, terse and moving.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-01-02 10:59:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Mandie, as good a piece as you have ever submitted.
The form is perfect for the message; a cascading effect that matches the cascading influence of each specific occurrence.
Very nice assonance, (frozen, open, show), it worked marvelously. In the second stanza with (real, concealed) we were prepared for the third, and you, in a marvelous twist, rhymed “snow†and “show†of the first stanza. Wonderful.
The subject, “no visible scars†was reinforced throughout the piece. Truly a spectacular poem.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-12-30 14:52:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie,
Ain't that the truth!
It could be horrors and it doesn't show. That's good, that's bad.
Your alliteration of frozen open snow is good.
rhyme real concealed good.
It flows wonderfully.
Good subject. Nice ending of melting snow.......makes one wonder.
Good......
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-12-28 17:42:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mandie,
I like poetry that is terse but says much more than the written words. It is not an easy task as often the poet thinks they must write more when in reality they don't. You have done an outstanding job in using just the right words to leave a lasting impression on all who read this poem. Well done.
Best wishes,
chyenne
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