This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-01-03 12:12:53 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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uNseen Cold air rushes by
above the comets
ablaze out of sight.
Flick these ashes
that burn in the night
smoke blows back
and stings the eyes.
Tip toe like a bloody fool
who looks at life
through streaming fumes;
sightless to all striking views.
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Copyright © January 2011 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-02-06 17:09:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
This reminds me so much of me mid-night smokes. Those times when i awaken in the middle of the night and go out on the porch to have a smoke. You have penned this image perfectly. Unless of course i am just reading my own interpretation into this. Who knows, perhaps there is more to it than that...but i'd like to think it is about that quick smoke that no one sees...Well done! Mandie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2011-02-06 16:17:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
I like this: 7.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-02-04 15:37:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
I like this as it reminds me of an outdoor fire. It brings me into the fire as if I am in it and not consumed but looking out through it. I don't know if I'm on the mark but that's the image I get from it. There are some good pieces here where the alliteration plays a role almost like dancing flames. I'm not sure about "tip toe like a bloody fool." I am not sure what that implies.
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-01-21 16:29:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Deni,
Your title drew me in and I had to see what you had written. You did not disappoint me. I feel some melancholy in the written lines and wish I knew the lines written in between. Your second verse is the most powerful to me. This is a good free verse poem, well written and compelling. Well done
Best wishes,
cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark D. Kilburn On Date: 2011-01-05 11:52:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Demi, whay an enjoyable read this was. As a reader my mind can take off in many directions when in read this but the final verse takes me to unhappy people oblivious to the good ()and beauty)that surrounds them. Isn't that the whole idea behind poetry? Tpo make the mind's wheels turn. I hope this finishes high, one of the better ones of the month for me anyway. mk
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-01-04 13:52:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deni, I am not sure of the content in this piece. The analogy of “cometsâ€, “ashes†and a fire that “smoke blows back†to blind the observer / to your “sightless striking viewsâ€, is obvious.
I don’t’ know if yo specifically speak of the UN, and I could agree with your assessment, or other distractions- I know, as written it is a universal warning to those who refuse to listen and understand; not necessarily for agreement, but definitely for making wiser decisions than what you refer to.
If there is an incident that this should reference for me, I couldn’t pull it out. The verse, as a standalone, is sufficient to the cause.
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