This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-01-04 10:13:55 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Bathing Anew

The tub fills slowly no bubbles today. Sinking in she see's clearly with dismay. The voluptuous youth has gone away. Then a thought of how when a grin over and over again. Changes are clear memories so dear. Vanity may have been ideal at some time. Today just bathing will make the day fine.

Copyright © January 2011 DeniMari Z.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-02-06 22:02:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni, Sweet, interesting read. I don't want to linger on thoughts about form and function...I think you do well getting your vision across with your couplets. And what a wonderful thought "just bathing" making the day fine....the epitome of mindfulness. Something i aspire to do more and more as I get older. Thanks for sharing! Mandie


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2011-02-06 16:19:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni, Nice ending. My score: 7. MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-02-04 16:03:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
I am a shower guy so this is a stretch. ;) Is there a reason for the apostrophe in "see's?" I stumble with it there. Is it "she sees clearly" or is it "she clearly sees?" Also, the jamb of "how when" is another. Perhaps the "when" could be moved to the lower line? I think it would have more power in brevity with just "then a thought of how." Maybe even leave the "when" out unless it is placing those "grin(s) over and over again" in the past. Almost bath time. Kiindest Regards, David
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-01-28 18:04:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni, I can just see you, ready to step into the tub, catching a glance of yourself in the mirror.... Not the youth you once were, but holding no remorse with memories. Lucky to be bathing. I'd add an an here: Vanity may have been [an]ideal at some time good visual poem. DellenA
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2011-01-09 06:08:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deni, I can see where you are going with this...yes--things change, perceptions change as do priorities and values. That looking back and the ephimany that comes with isn't always an ah-ha moment but it can still reward the viewer with valuable insight. Just a few little bits to niggle at here: "Then a thought of how when<would be better to end this line with "a grin" than "when">would impacet stronger a grin over and over again." I think that when you state: "Then a thought of how when a grin over and over again." that you need to either clarify or quantify this or expound on it... it sort of leaves a muttle for the reader and is your weak link in your poem. This is excellent--and I must say most will understand of what you speak. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-01-04 13:46:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deni, It doesn’t matter the subject of time past, or even “youth, has gone away”. You begin and end with a bath. “bubbles” are not necessary, and although I have a level of empathy with the subject at hand (could have been my bath), the fact of the bath is enough to make me smile. My guess is, although deliverance may change, the “grin” and “memories so dear” are enough to reinforce the fact, that; well, a woman is taking a bath. It was a somber, and yet invigorating lead in to a “fine day”. I like it. (I’d rewrite stanza 4, it is a bit muddy), yes that was a dirty bath observation. A very nice piece, well said, and there is nothing wrong with “vanity”, (in moderation), at whatever place we are in our life.
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