This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-04-09 01:40:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Slipping Away In dreams flushed
by streams of hope
the moon slipped
through night's fabric
silently creeping
past a plethora of stars
it was then I heard a poem
The whisper of sonnets
rhyming quatrains
and succinct free verse
I felt the earth shift
and I began to soar
unchained, pen poised
But my mind was like parchment
ink turned to blood
stars dimmed
as the moon slithered
into the depths of night
Burdened by sorrow
and the strangness of it all
I quietly slipped away |
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Copyright © April 2011 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-05-05 10:46:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheyenne, your first stanza set the stage for the piece “it was then that I heard a poem†what a great opening after hearing of the sky and evening.
Your call to arms, or the poem form was as fascinating as the night, “sonnets, quatrains, free verse†unchaining the soul with “pen poisedâ€, simply delightful.
Then here we are with you, of the burdens overwhelming the inspiration. Such a sad line, “I quietly slipped awayâ€. So sad a line.
A very very fine piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2011-04-14 14:35:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Cheyenne! This is an awesome work!
'the moon slipping through the nights fabric' seems original to me and was a nice surprise. But, not nearly as nice as the last line there: it was then I heard a poem .....the imagination of a true poet is unmistakable here. 'Unchained pen poised' is a good feeling of movement. Leaves the reader excited about whats coming next. And then, there it is upon me like the dark color of blood...the sorrow...the beauty slipped away. How sad! Your feelings are clear and deep.
I think it would have fit that mood better, with a different twist at the end. Instead of the writer slipping away, the lost poetry of that moment seems like a deeper sorrow to me. But, it is only one opinion, and everybody else probably won't even think of that. So its a different idea.
Thanks for sharing! Its a good read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-04-09 10:57:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
"In dreams flushed" -> "When dreams flushed?" Tie in the phrase to "it was then I heard a poem." Or you could use another preposition that more closely matches the "time" element of when you heard. I like the "fabric" image.
"The whisper of sonnets" -> "With whispers of sonnets." Alliteration?
"rhyming quatrains" -> "rhythmical quatrains" or something that has more to it than simply "rhyming." Mellifluous, sonorous, sympathetic, or even cacophonous, depending on what is heard. Paint the image with a richer color.
"stars dimmed" -> "The stars dimmed." easier flow without the stress at the first syllable.
Over all a well done piece on poetic inspiration silently extinguished by "writer's block."
kind regards
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