This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-05-19 14:27:41 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Her Name Her eyes seek
ancient rays
of golden sun
that cascades
slowly among
dancing falls
She awaits the echoes
of forest’s sheen
and cobalt blue
of a Van Gogh sky
Bestowed with silver
lace she sweeps
each blade of grass
and gathers warmth
from dawn and every star
then spreads
her gown atop
pooling waters
She stirs the breeze
into the soul
of man
Her name is
summer |
|
Copyright © May 2011 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-06-04 22:34:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Cheyenne, I think- for me; sort of like the riddles of the golem to Bilbo Baggins, ex. A box without hinges, key or lid, Yet golden treasure inside is hid – I would have preferred you not end with your last two lines.
It is a fine verse, a thoughtful riddle, and maybe solvable, maybe not- however the matter will remain vital to the reader.
I enjoyed the piece; the trail, and the breeze. A well done litany.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-06-01 23:16:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Very beautiful Cheyenne. Love the impact at the end of this piece because it was a nice
surprise - a wonderful ending to a lovely poem where you never fail to miss a beat.
The colors come alive, the Van Gogh sky, painting reference - lends added beauty and enhances the
theme of your piece - truly nothing to pick at or change in this.
If only there were such a place to go - to be in moments of life -
how beautiful each day would be through Summer or any season.
On my list - for #1 in May.
blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-05-20 14:51:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
"and gathers warmth" -> "she gathers warmth"
I think it adds more to the now of the tense. I find "now" a more fitting tense when writing poetry. I think too many fall into third person - past when composing pieces while the reader and narrator should be in the "now." Otherwise, an excellent structured conveyance.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Pat Eaklor On Date: 2011-05-19 17:00:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi, Cheyenne,
A lovely word picture that gave me sensations of changing seasons. Your
third stanza is, I think, very nice. I particularly liked envisioning
the warm summer flowing from the grass to water pools.
One thing did strike me as possibly needing a little attention: In your first stanza
Her eyes seek
ancient rays
of golden sun
that cascades
slowly among
dancing falls
"ancient rays" are what "her eyes seek", not golden sun. The phrase, of
golden sun, modifies rays. So I think the verb should be cascade, as rays cascade.
I don't mean to be picky; and know it's just my opinion...
I really like the picture you create here!
Pat
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