This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-02-08 12:54:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Tombstones I walk among the tombstones
and the souls that rest below
I laid my ear upon the soil
to know what they knew before
Some stones engraved with pain
and even though I listen close
fossil bodies never speak
their secrets they won't disclose
If I sometimes see a pulse
or quivering in the ground
undulating with whispers
in the silence all around
Then I'll kneel before each plot
my ears pressed to the earth
and eavesdrop on lives they lived
until they took their last breath
When I decide to walk away
to plan a life thats true
I'll always carry memories
of those that I once knew
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Copyright © February 2012 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2012-03-07 08:10:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This poem could be improved by a familiarity with Gray's, Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard. Capture the
mood more of the place, hints of moss, fungal decay, contrasted against the refreshing of memory. By playing with such point-counterpoint poetic irony, the best element of all to be found in elegy, can spring forth. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-02-17 13:54:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Cheyenne! This is a delightful read. I like the flow and the simplicity. Clear images and a leftover 'feeling' of being involved in your 'plot' (lol-forgive me, I couldnt help it!) It is amazing to sit in an old graveyard and listen. Its weird how some stones emit their own strength and others just sort of 'sit'...
One suggestion.
>>>fossil bodies never speak<< a contrary remark I think. How about fossil bodies rarely/sometimes/ hardly ever.....etc. or...you could express the 'stones' as the talkers, or even the ground...
Just a thought! I really like this. Makes me want to get out! ~smile~
Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-02-11 10:29:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
cheyenne
I presume the prudence of the piece is for the truth of the impact of a life come and gone, and not a metaphor to living (action and reaction) in the present life. No, then again, I retract that. How could such be?
Then again why to –know what they knew before- if not to apply it towards more than remembrance and dedication? One has to answer that question.
-ears pressed to the earth- - eavesdrop on lives- and the repository of an entire life –until they took their last breath- obviously has significance aside from dedication. There is a birthright that at some level has granted a better view of self –I’ll always carry memories- and the need to ensure that legacy remains beyond even self.
A nice thought and a hope for us all.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2012-02-08 20:26:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Chey this is awesome, just a touch
of darkness nestled amongst all
of those delicious word choices.
Your flow is smooth as it carries
your reader easily through your
verses. Most enjoyable, wouldn't
change a thing. Does give way to
ponder and definitely demands to be
read again and again.
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-02-08 19:03:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Chey
You know I only say these things because I love you...
S1 is a brilliant set up...the mood, the tone, the imagery... it rocks :-). S2 dips a little, but S3 recovers the lost ground. Finally, S4 and S5 (particularly) are ... droopy. Almost like you were in such a hurry to get out of the graveyard that you dropped your shovel.
What I'm saying here is that I think you've done at the 'stanza level' in this poem what I bitched about you doing at the 'word level' in "The Lagoon". I'll be blunt: I think you get lazy sometimes :-) (though it's probably unfair of me to judge others by my own low standards!!)
Seriously, S1 and S3 are the standouts here. I love the premise of the poem. It reminded me of "The Myth of the Grave" by John Kinsella: http://www.poetrylibrary.edu.au/poets/kinsella-john/the-myth-of-the-grave-0527012#
Best best wishes,
Mark xx
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