This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-02-11 15:01:24 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Cedar Swing From my back porch
I breathe chilly air
that touches leaf tops
like a pale ghost
upon waning orange
I feel the impish
wind embrace its curls
and hear your name
that airily spreads
inside breathed whispers
that delights stars
like mirrors in the sky
I notice the cedar swing
drooping from boughs
sad from misuse
and neglect
I close my eyes hoping
for a clear memory
of the day
hung it there
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Copyright © February 2012 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2012-03-07 13:23:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Excepting for the last line, this is an exceptional poem and more typical of the work of yours I've liked.
Embracing the curls of the wind is elegantly imaginative and at once remarkable, bringing your reader up to wonder just how that is...and it holds well for anyone that has had a loose collar in a cool and circling breeze. Just address that last line, please. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-03-04 19:12:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Chey
I like "I close my eyes hoping/for a clear memory/of the day/hung it there" ... it's like a suspended chord at the end of a song, fixing one's attention on waiting for an end that doesn't come ... except that it IS the end :-)
Nice one.
Mark.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2012-02-14 23:16:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Oh this is a pure joy to read and review. Such a picture to paint for us with your colorful words. We can smell the chill in the air and we join you in your view. One small stumble--at the end of your poem, perhaps you could put "we hung it there" you need to tie the last two lines together a little more cohesively... Most enjoyable. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-02-14 16:13:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is great! A picturesque read with lots of flow and feeling.
that delights stars
like mirrors in the sky
^ ^ what a surprise! I love the notion of stars being delighted. But I was surprised to find you in the dark or even in the near dark.
The way you see the swing and the affect it has on you is breath-taking. I think you touched the hearts of many readers with the way you finished the scene!
I like it alot!
~smiles, Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-02-12 11:57:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheyenne, to tempt or pull at the heart strings (in this case swing strings) is a marvelous gift. It is like MSS’s snow- it really isn’t about the snow, it is about the definition of the swing within the framework of lives, of notions of personal and interactive eternity.
S4L3 (forgot –we- I think).
I watched with your eyes, looking out to the tree- to the memory that is akin to so many feelings I understand- and like the hanging of the swing, we are allowed the privilege of sharing in the same event; gladly.
Closing our eyes, you know, I know that tree, maybe not that swing, but certainly that iconic moment. When I was done I wished we could quietly sit together and look on- seeing the many different things joined by the singular sweet and bittersweet-
I appreciated this poem, this morning.
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