This Poem was Submitted By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2012-10-26 15:45:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Ode To Annie Adams
Since leaving this world
She has become the
tissue for my tears
Everything on which
I lay
my head
She has become time itself
to tic away the
distance between us
She is the sunlight that wraps me
The shadows that follow me
She is the twilight that brings me peace
The moon to lulls me to sleep
She has become a raindrop
to fall upon my lips
She, in this drop of rain
is all of her
in a kiss
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Copyright © October 2012 Joe Gustin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-10-28 21:19:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello, Joe. I love your style! The first verse is my favorite. That is profound.!! what a thought! I really like that. The second verse is nice too. I have a thought about the 3rd verse though. Its a petty thing, I know, but if you think about it, ~time doesn't really tic ~ but people use that all the time. I think the pulling apart is a good thing; maybe time creates distance or something.
A typo, I think, in the 4th verse, on the 4th line.
Your final verse is creative and uplifting! I like it! I like the whole piece quite a bit. Thanks for sharing it :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-10-27 16:11:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joe, this is such a sad poem and difficult for me to read as I too have lived your words. In your fourth verse, last sentence I think you mean...The moon THAT lulls me to sleep, instead of TO lulls. Outside that of that this is a well written poem with good and expressive verbiage. I love the way you speak of the way this woman means to you. I don't know if this is true or not but either way it is one of those poems I wish I had written. Well done.
Best wishes,
cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-10-27 10:28:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joe, this is a particularly strident piece. As for business first, S4 L4 needs fixing. Either remove the first –to- or change it to –that- or some such fix. Fortunately your meaning is clear.
Your dedication brings the reader to share in you admiration and love. That she has\
–left- this world and the author misses her is not deep enough an explanation for the thoughts the author shares.
The simile of her time away and the –distance between us- is a brilliant touch. So time becomes relative to the separation and in a sense dependent on that separation for measure.
That –sunlight- and –shadows- both have coexistant value since her passing, and the transferal of the light and dark into –twilight- is also a poignant image for those watching.
That the –rain- often seen as an inhibitor, is actually symbolic of tears, and yet those tears contain the touch of her –kiss- once again is a brilliant turn of a phrase and thought.
I thoroughly enjoyed the piece.
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