This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2012-11-01 14:13:23 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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To Reach the Shore The fog rests upon these shoulders,
mind is in a daze
Chills run up and down the spine,
keeping one within the haze...
Warmth is what the search is for,
relentless is the crave
a flicker in the yonder room,
to venture and be brave...
Alas the curse upon the soul
has been to much and takes it's toll
To continue down the River Styx.... |
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Copyright © November 2012 Thomas H. Smihula
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2012-11-17 09:38:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Nice to see your work again Thomas. I hope you and your family have been well. I like this near sonnet,
especially the idea of fog resting heavenly and the trip down the River Styx,
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2012-11-16 12:11:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Thomas
I am not sure what the River Styx repersents.
Is this end a end of the line ref. The flicker in the yonder room (the other Side)
Your poem has a mysterious quality that definatly delights.
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Armstrong On Date: 2012-11-16 03:58:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Whoa! I was reading this and totally thinking about a ship in harbour looking for a lighthouse. Excellent ending. Forced me to re-read this several times! Rhymes don't seem forced. I love: "a flicker in the yonder room" and I'll admit that's what made me think lighthouse.
I might consider changing "keeping one within..." to "keeps one within..." for flow And I might Change "The fog..." to "Thick fog" or just drop "The" as it seems unnecessary.
You also may want to play around with the second line "Warmth is what the search is for". It's longer than it needs to be. You could reverse it like "A constant search for warmth" which would flow well with "a flicker in..."
A couple of [common] grammatical errors in the last line, which should be:
"has been 'too' much and takes 'its' toll"
The last line could be more powerful if it was more terse, perhaps. Try dropping "To" or replace it with "And"
Also, nitpicky I know, but an ellipsis only has three periods and at the end of a poem it's questionable whether it's really necessary. I know the thought is to add drama and suspense, but the ending of this poem uses the words to do that effectively. The ellipsis is overused in poetry (I'm also guilty of this)
A lovely read!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-11-14 12:37:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hello Thomas. I like this work. I can feel the fog and the chills! I feel desperation rising.
One word for you though- there are a few places where the rhyme was 'expected'...that is, 'crave and brave'..You might consider using 'surprise' words more often. :)
No other suggestions! I like this.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-11-10 12:02:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Thomas, an ending not expected. The consternation, while reading the first time, could have emanated from any number of reasons. Now we are where we are.
I assume the ellipses at the end of S1 and S2 are to accent the lake of clarity inside the mind, and the –fog- that is the scourge (or maybe the blessing) for what will occur. They do not detract, but with your writing, they also are not needed. A period would do to capture your image.
Many times death and the journey have inspired, both a scientific and moralistic view of the end. That –crave- and –brave- are counter to each other captures well the image of the desire to know and the unknown that might be discouraging. Normally simplistic rhymes as you use in this piece are not my favorite, but the simplistic view of life and death, reinforce those rhymes in this piece. Well done.
I hope, in this and the appraising, that the river and journey are kind.
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