This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2012-11-01 14:51:03 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Structure lost Children never educated forced
to survive upon their own
Family busy, unable to take the time
they focus upon their ego
Establishment caught in attendance
little concern for development
Administrators just push the pencil
hoping for the bottom-line
Where the young teach the young
the life of one neglected
To grow up beyond their years
without learning the fundamentals
No framework...... |
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Copyright © November 2012 Thomas H. Smihula
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-11-19 10:10:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Thomas, there should be a crescendo playing in the background. The reputation of our modern educational system is well earned. Someplace along the line it must revert to those educators who care most about their student’s lives and future.
It is not easy to find your solution within this poem. – learning the fundamentals- is about the only real substantive action. The problems are framed well. Of course, I have answers to achieving your goals, but probably they do not coincide with the answers others may have; and that is exactly the problem- as you outline the overview.
I’d like to see you set to prose a substantive answer to the questions. It will be interesting to see the critiques speak to the form and your reform ideas!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2012-11-16 11:37:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Thomas
Your poem has alot to say about the apathy it todays education system.
How the family and the system seems to let down those who need to be lifted up.
I thought about the line young teach the young and those lessons can often the wrong ones.
The only thing I would suggest is a revist on the flow of the work
eg
Children never educated
are forced to survive
on their own
Administrators just push the pencil
hoping for a better bottom-line
Where the young teach the young
the life of the neglected one
There are lots of possiblities here
However it is written, your point is well taken
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Armstrong On Date: 2012-11-16 03:19:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Nice. Seems to be a statement of the state of education, but it doesn't take the easy route of blaming the system, but includes "Family busy" as well. I like the theme and I like that the poem has a definite structure, despite being about the loss of it, or the lack of it.
I feel it might stress the point there better if it said "Family busy, WON'T take the time..." or "...don't take the time". Especially if you're putting some spotlight on the family members who 'focus on their ego'.
If you're trying to say that the family is so caught up in working to pay for food, so "unable" to take time, then it would seem the next line "focus upon their ego" would refer to the children... but it's not clear.
The second stanza could be tightened up by removing "just". It's already implied and structure would fit better with the first line "Establishment caught in attendance" and "Administrators push the pencil". "bottom line" I assume you mean in a budgetary sense. In other words, they don't really care, they just want to reach their budget. It would be a bit more powerful if you put an action in there which you could visualize:
Administrators push the pencil
summing up the bottom line / drawing in the bottom line
That's just a quick idea, but something that paints the picture of what the admins are doing in the reader's mind (if that's the meaning you want convey).
The last stanza is your chance to hit hard the message you want to convey. You end "without learning the fundamentals" which conveys the message of the poem, but it's hard to say what those fundamentals really are because the other two stanzas have focused on the idea of neglect, that these children have no support system... but it seems to be left too far from the cliff to engage us to think more deeply about it. It's almost too vague a word.
If you want to convey that they children can't function in the real world you could say:
without learning how to live
learning only how to survive
One more nitpicky thing... if you're going to end a poem on an ellipsis, it should only be 3 dots. Also, be careful about ending on an ellipsis. In many cases, a period works much better!
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