To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
One Way Masked illusions, lost in confussion Sometimes it doesn't seem right Wish from afar on a shooting star May your desires come true tonight. Gaze at the moon which came up to soon Catch the wind with a smile Whisper a scream, a prayer, a dream If only a little while. Don't think of tomorrow, lifes hurt and sorrow Let go of yesterday Chase the rain to stop the pain Before it gets away. Close your eyes, forget goodbyes Just remember when For in your mind, you will find Your way back here again. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-11-22 10:08:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hello Rene, to the business end first-
S1L1 –confusion-
S3L1 – life’s-
This piece is a piece of anyone’s heart who is honest, whether having come through such ambivalence, or in it now. Of all, you finished with a flourish in the last stanza. It hits hard and real.
I’m not the artist, but I’d take this piece and work on the meter so it flows easier. All six counts I’d boost to at least seven (although you have a lot of eights and nines).
S1L3 –a- is unnecessary and clutters the sweetness of the flow. S2L3 –or a dream-
S3L4 –for a little while-
None of those suggestions are actually needed, I just believe something like those would smooth the reading.
So seldom used is the double rhyme in a line, and the first lines of each stanza stand out and set the table for your thoughts. There is a universality in those thoughts, that although actual events are invisible to the reader, you manage to bring out the mirror image of feelings and decisions; regardless of that. We readers have no need to see the actuals, knowing the eyes and heart that is speaking of them.
I particularly liked (among a very enjoyable read)- each of the second lines in each stanza. Although line one always sets the table with a complimentary rhyme, line 2 for me is a poignant as the final line in a poem should be. Well done!
Once again, your final two lines are proverbial. They are too the point and yet lyrical. It is a fitting ending to an interesting verse.