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Solace To be comfortable in the silence Yet the words flow easy and smooth Content just to be as I am and as we are Free just to swim and to wade in my random mood I want to feel your warm lips on my forehead I need to bathe in your warm cozy sanctuary I long to lay in your arms and leave my troubles I crave the shade of your leaves from the scorching sun Soon I’ll sleep the sweet slumber of oblivion Rested knowing you can take the heavy load Slowly waking to the promise of the rising dawn Feeling worthy of the care you have bestowed I feel the smile on my lips when I think of you I trust the calm that envelopes me with peace Can’t understand how my heart can feel this certainty Yet still elusive is the trust that I’ve found my relief |
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2013-01-24 17:39:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Kimberly,
This is a lovely poem but it needs a bit of fine tuning. You could delete some unnecessary words to tighten the lines.
Solace
To be comfortable in (the) silence
Yet (the) words flow easy and smooth
Content (just) to be as I am and as we are
Free (just) to swim and (to) wade in my random mood
I want to feel your warm lips on my forehead
I need to bathe in your warm cozy sanctuary
I long to lay in your arms and leave my troubles
I crave the shade of your leaves from the scorching sun
Soon I’ll sleep (the) sweet slumber of oblivion
Rested knowing you can take the heavy load
Slowly waking to the promise of (the) rising dawn
Feeling worthy of the care you have bestowed
I feel the smile on my lips when I think of you
I trust the calm that envelopes me with peace
Can’t understand how my heart can feel this certainty
Yet still elusive is (the) trust that I’ve found my relief
The extensive use of 'the' makes the lines choppy and by deleting them it will flow smoother. There are a few other places that need a tweak or two but I don't want to you to think this is a bad poem. I do like it and keep writing.
Best wishes,
cheyenne