To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Years After spending years many years Making myself Being made by God and idiots Turning the corner under the same sun I sense the deceptive wall Of time’s mirage of movement The struggle to connect the dots Leading inexorably back to the Beginning yet again and again. Much laughter and a myriad of tears Hide behind the glinting glass Somehow there is no passage No passing no changing. The walls breathe, demanding Touching the exact triggers molded A waterfall of years ago. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2014-04-02 15:48:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Terry - I think this piece has a lot of potential because the ideas you express are quite poignant.
With that being said I know that I have appreciated extra eyes on any poem submission over the years here with TPL - it's what helps us to learn and grow in our writing endeavors.
I'm not a pro but I've become a better writer through constructive criticism and helpful hints from some of the best here -
After spending many years
being a creation by God
then idiots
and turning corners
under the same sun;
I sense the deceptive
wall of time’s
mirage of movement
struggles to
connect the dots
inexorably leading back
to the beginning
yet again and again.
Laughter and a myriad of tears
hidden behind glinting glass
prevents passage
nor changing.
These walls breathe me in
demanding to relive
the identical triggers of tears
that built from years ago.
Of course I was playing with your poem, and trying to tweak and change a few things to make it more concise and add a more poetic flow to your original words -
This is an outstanding powerfully emotional piece of having been hurt in life - and you would do justice to realize the talent you have to work with -
blessings,
Deni