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Words Words do nothing to undo the anger To which the tracks this train wreck is heading for Stanzas stand for nothing if they have not brought you closer to me or sent you away My poetry betrays me relays me closer to the pit of my own musings a poem of losing Why is it that I still reach for what I know is beyond my touching a dream that I can not breach Why is pain such a beautifully horrible muse |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regina M. Heller On Date: 2016-05-05 23:59:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Joe, you're right. Pain is a perfect muse.
Words do nothing
to undo the anger
To which the tracks
this train wreck
is heading for
I think this is great, so violent, so much more like the break up I experienced than When Last We Kissed, lol. But it's awkward. It's still great, but a little awkward. I suggest getting the image more clear, the train must already be on the track if you are wrecking.
Words do nothing
to undo the anger;
to untangle the tracks
beneath this train wreck
that is underway.
or some better word than 'underway' but that is what came to mind. not "heading for" but already in progress, because it sounds in the rest of the poem that the wreck is underway. The rest of the poem is much more clear and vivid. Just my thoughts. Well done.