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This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-03-23 22:00:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Joanne, It's a hard time for me right now. Julie, my wife, has the flu. She's hurting, and unfortunately I can't share the pain, but I can hold her until I must go. Oops, what am I saying, I'm the "boss", I don't have to go anywhere. LOL! In fact, tomorrow I might call myself and say I'm not coming in. HEHE! I don't often miss work, by the way! She's sleeping now. I've given the kids their bath, cooked supper, taken care our chocolate lab (my daughter Zoe named her sunshine) lol. I remember my grandfather and I used to drive by the church on Sunday and he'd look over at me and wink, saying, "the good go to church and the bad have to work". LOL I work in all conditions and all climates, when I tell my employees that I think they are intimidated. So be it. It's better to wear out than rust out. I'm feeling disjointed. BTW I'm still wandering around in the year 2000. It's tough to find a lift to the present, but that's ok. Somehow I feel more eternal this way, even though I'm bad. LOL Anyway, I picked this poem to talk about tonight. This is a cold scene. I'm imagining the rocks, cold and huddled close together or, perhaps, spread out and really freezing. I feel the wind burning your cheeks cold as the kiss of the dead man. I don't like the line, personally, and it feels reached for in some ways, but that's just me. The brushwood saluting after the dead man's kisses is to light hearted to work together, even if it is a military reference....Drinking in the creek would be better if you tied it to the cold of your experience. Hey! Don't think I'm being harsh here. I'm just tying to show you that you are trying to write poetry here rather than write poetry. You know the difference. You are being honest, but you are not quite being honest. It's kind of funny to see you do this knowing how smart you are. LOL Now, have I picked on you enough. You can pick on me anytime. But then...but then you quit acting like the virgin on the late night date and your voice appears, your intent appears, your strength comes forward---you appear. I like this for the irony and contrast of you. This is what I'm reading for: "I want to photograph you with my soul." That line is so good Joanne. I'm attracted to powerful lines, I must admit, half the time I have to tone down my writing to get anyone to read it. LOL It's so fun spending time with you. Yes, "I want to photograph you with my soul." What a universal, unlimited, perfect line. Drink it in. Root into the cold wind, stand against the dead man, gather the rocks to your bosom, feel the cold, assimilate it, take the hand of the reaching branches and raise them up to face the agony of winter, let the creek run through you, grow with the cold black water, it's all in you and you've tattooed it to your soul in that cold crystal clear moment of memory, of writing this poem, let the wind blow around you, through you, streaming deeper still with the stream washing you, knowing you, and you hold the world around you and breathe in the next step you take on your walk in the woods before winter. Beautiful! Just think, I could be watching a reality t.v. show right now where a man has to run through a swamp infested with alligators, or somebody is trying to be the next American Idol seeking the security of a million insecure faces beaming their desire to be the next American Idol, but no, I lay frozen to the ground before the coming of winter watching you rise above it all tearing the fabric of my world apart with your writing. Ah...That's just fine with me. Goodnight Silly Bean, Troy No, that's not quite right, Goodnight... No, I still like Silly Bean, Stay warm, Troy

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