Jordan Brendez Bandojo's E-Mail Address: jordan1st@msn.com


Jordan Brendez Bandojo's Profile:
I've been spending my leisure time in writing and critiqing poetry since I was introduced to this link. I became a member way back in 2000. I love this site very much! It flares and improves my "quote and quote" poetic skills! It is a pleasure to meet fine poets in this interactive poetry site.

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Below you will see ALL of the Critiques that Jordan Brendez Bandojo has given on The Poetic Link.
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Displaying Critiques 298 to 347 out of 347 Total Critiques.
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Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by Jordan Brendez BandojoCritique Date
Changing of the SatansC ArrownutHere you are once again, C! Would this baffle my mind in getting the gist? I hope not! Your additional notes are there to help me out. SMILE. Changing of the Satans? Your title has a very great impulse! This suggests a significant theme for everybody to reflect on. Ah, the SHE is getting the action here! A serial killer? Yeah, it is believable! Women can do things the men can do even the worst and the EVILEST of all! I like the way you started the piece, it is reinforcing the tone of the poem: "At the end of her long tunnel into death, she found a black light, so brilliant all could be seen." One can think of darkness, evil and the like. I won't give input any further, all I can say, all the actions are highly triggered with all these suspense like "teeth gnashing" and more. It is like I am watching a suspense movies. Your effort here is greatly appreciated. It is hard to come up with this theme. I think I haven't written dark poetry yet. Thanks for sharing, Gayle. Jordan. 2003-11-14 03:18:07
A Better Manstephen g skipperHi Steve, A Better Man? How intriguing is the title! In my first glimpse at the title, what cropped up in my mind was all those virtues that a better man should have with respect to all the facets in life, i.e., emotional, psychological, mental and more importantly spiritual. Anyway, that were just my first thoughts. But the poem, as far as I grasped, it speaks about the pain of loving and the pain in love! It could be lost of love or a love that is hindered by whatever obstacles it may hinder. Basically, this poem is a release of emotional tension that after an overwhelming experience, it seeks the answer why those things are happening. It is quite intriguing because the first input is a wonderfully peaceful scenario. It seems to suggest that before the pain of love, the emotion of that person is quite at rest. The second input is the start of the outburst of emotion: I've cried a thousand tears, They've all been caught by angels, without wings, I like the second line with the association of the wingless angels. It is a figurative language working here. Hold my hand and move to the beat, A slow shuffle of our world weary feet. ----an unexpected rhyme gave me a pause with the nice allits of 's' and 'w': slow/shuffle/world/weary. I shout at God! But he's not listening. ---I find this line new! Interesting! Because without your love, This world has lost it's meaning. -----no apostrophe is needed here [its meaning] Is that Gods special plan? ----------but here, apostrophe is needed [God's special plan] If it is I want none of this. This is practical because sometimes in our lives we sometimes question the way things are going. Why is it like this/that? We sometimes question God. I came in that point also. But it is for us to believe that everything is designed for a purpose. Thank you, Steve, for sharing. Amidst your sickness you still have the time to share this with us. Jordan 2003-11-10 15:44:23
The BoarderAnnette L CowlingHi Annette, This is my first time to see your poem, I think you are neophyte here in the link. For that, my warmest welcome! The caught my attention as in my first glance it drew a curiosity in me what the subject is all about. Some intriguing questions popped up in my mind like: is it about a man who who pays a stipulated sum in return for regular meals or for meals and lodging? is this about the one who goes on board a vessel as part of an assault or military action? or in the realm of sport, is this about the person who skies? One who rides a skateboard? or One who uses a snowboard? But I will be more interesting if it talks about a person who lodges in a boarding house because I have been boarding since I entered college, away from home. Well, let me see.... Interestingly, this one talks about the boarder flared up the heart, (that had been closed long ago), of this land lady. The tone of the poem is poignant or plaintive because the with respect to the land lady. You make a good introduction with its action and thrill... The curtain moves slightly on the window, As the taxi departs down the winding road, Carrying...the boarder. The of the three dots representing an ellipsis creates an emphasis to the...boarder. That's a good point because the thrill is reinforced, in my opinion. This first input starts the plaintive tone suggesting a departing of ways. I could picture out that the SHE is sadly witnessing as the boarder departs. The second stanza highlight some interesting descriptors like "figment of a life", "fragile existence" and "stories laced with detachment". The choice of words is appealing. The indention of the third stanza is a unique concept that catches an attention. It seems to imply a degree of emphasis. I can figure out that that it is where the gist of the subject is derived from: "The book closed long ago Was marked at a new page, Because of...the boarder." I said the gist can be extracted from there because, it bruites out the essential story. That because of the boarder the heart of the SHE that had been closed already, it was again opened. It seems that the SHE finds the things that SHE needs for life but it was only a mere fantasy, it was not satisfied. The use alliterations, assonance and figurative language spiced up the strength of the poem. There is a fricative 'f', the 'p' in "pockets/pinafore". It is a good credit. Wide white sheets whipped frantically in The summers wind turned wicked, like Uncontrolled outbursts of temper tantrums. ----in this line, I think there is a little redundancy. 'tantrum' in itself is a bad temper. maybe you can drop "temper". Or maybe, you can drop "tantrums". Just a suggestion. You have just ended the poem effectively. The association of "chalk games of the children" fits in the mood. Thank you so much for sharing. You did not disappoint me with your first submission, Annette. Write more and of course submit more! Jordan 2003-11-10 13:51:14
For Paulastephen g skipperHi Stephen, What a lovely inspiration for Paula! This poem reflects the the love and intimacy you share. And it is not a swear that you love each other forever but it is God's gift for the two of you. The simplicity of the poem reinforce the magnificence of the eternal love. Like to note that your strongest love is powered up by the simplicity of your words. But the depth of it is unfathomable. "My heart spoke to me, In tongues of spiritual fire, To the very core of me." I can see that your words are deeply rooted from the heart. And it is showed here that your words are founded in spirituality. It is manifested by your phrase "tongues of spiritual fire" which connotes deep spirituality! When it is heard by a person especially Paulo, it is deep and worthy of trust. A powerful entrance! The three lines format it effective to bring out a nice feel as the readers would take the words into the heart. I'm sure Paula would consider this as a gift with no compare. It is also evident in the poem that Paulo is so magnificent that evry word she speaks turned out to be your daily food that it makes you healthy of mind and body. Every perspective of what Paula speaks for you is powerfully detailed here. I especically like the stanza: "She spoke to me, Of colours beyond the spectrum, Of the human eye." It is brought about by deep imagination. How your mind soar to high in the thoughts of Paula! I like the association of "colours beyond the spectrum", it is physically splendid. It shows that the words of Paula is majestic and full of wonder but because you are the avid observer, you have absorbed them well! I just love this. No wonder it ranks high! Looking forward to read more of your poetry. Jordan. 2003-11-07 22:15:18
Night DreamsMary E. GustasHi Mary, This is a poem rife with ernest desire, warmth, passion, love, etc! Though these things are only manifested in night dreams, still I can feel the ignition of your words and the sensation is proliferating. First of all, I enjoyed every word and description you put in here. It is a usual caress but the way you presented it is very exotic. The application of unique format and structure is also remarkable which adds the taste. The indention is catchy! Some night dreams are horrendous which I sometimes experience but it no compare that we also have dreams that are awesome like this. By the way, what makes us dream good or bad? Some say that you can dream bad things when you sleep with a full stomach. Do you believe in that? Anyway....the title is intriguing that can draw the readers' curiousity what are these night dreams... so let me explore the contents.... Your first input is indeed suggestic a romantic feel with this aromatic fragrance that nudges your nose. The romantic sensation is spiced up pleasing alliteration such as the fricative 'f' in fragrance/fills, 'w' in whiff/wonder, the plosive 'p' in pleasant/perfume and 'n' in nudges/nose and many more. In your story, you are dreaming of your man you discover that the source of that sweet smell wonderful bouquet is the fragrance of his desire for you. Then your poem brings me to the romantic scene in that beautiful room. The imagery is really adorable with that amber glow of candles. I like the way you detailed the story like "Watching as each wick burns" is something that gives a thrill. That night dream experience is really cherishing that you don't want it to end. But hate the alarm it's ringing! SMILE! Thank you very much. It is a delight to read. For me, your poem stands flawless. Jordan 2003-11-05 13:19:02
japanese verse 30 (Vulture)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoWhat a v...v...very very awesome technique you have put in here, Erzahl! It is very remarkable the domineering of 'v' sound which is enjoying to read. A vulture? It can be that you are referring to a large bird or a person of a rapacious, predatory, or profiteering nature. But when you say a villain, it is a wicked or evil person. The adjective "vulgar" is just approriate to describe a villain which is of course lack of good breeding. This piece is like a dark poetry, huh! It is not lovely of course. Rather it is frigtening! Ah, I see the significance of the theme, I just realized it is timely because to give the atmosphere of the Halloween. Good point! I just enjoyed the dreadful imagery, it is funny somehow! SMILE! I really have a new experience in your japanese verse, here, Erzahl! It is a good shot! Should I say "Happy Halloween"? Hehehe! Jordan 2003-11-03 17:07:05
Clouds and CurtainsMark D. KilburnHi Mark, Here comes another poem that brings essential symbolisms of life. I like the way you associated the positives and negatives of our thoughts and lives through the use of clouds and curtains. I like the pairing of these two words which interestingly buddied with the letter 'c'! The first stanza presents the how these clouds or curtains manifest in your thoughts, shadowing your path and future. These could be the obstacles that bar the your way in the struggle of life. You described that these clouds and curtains are universal which of course affect not only you but engulfing everybody. The symbolism seems to be simple yet forceful and true in nature. I like the use of horizon to represent insight and vision. It is again a wonderful symbolism. The description "vulture-like" is surprising and seems to bring an emotion of fear. Yep, it is true because of its effects like: shadowing your path and future, camouflaging your positives while, basking in your doubt, etc. A little technical thought here: Maybe you can say "on my vulture-like horizon" instead of "on my horizon vulture-like". I prefer the former. Anyway, just a thought and it is a matter of preference. The association of Vegas enhances the originality of the concept. The second stanza is expounding the symbolism of curtain. The use of simile concretize the idea, "lurking like some great Hollywood storm". Once again, just like Vegas, the mention of Hollywood is effective to enhance originality. I sometimes make use of this technique in my poetry. I like the way courage is valued to counteract these scary curtains in life. And you gave practical ways how you manage to possess courage in yourself. The last stanza is further reinforcing the idea of clouds and curtains. It also cites practical ways how to manage oneself to fight against it. It is true that sometimes it is good to have these clouds and curtains on our lives because when these come, we realize responsibility and we started to search for light. You quickly gather your positives and absorb moments of focus like the sun’s warmth. I like the idea. It is hopeful and the positive action is evident. You just gave us a philosphy that is essential to apply to apply as we continue to struggle against these vultures of curtains. Thank you very much for sharing this significant piece, Mark. No wonder to have it in the winner's list. That is why I opted to give it a shot! Best regards, Jordan2003-11-02 08:58:13
The Road to KnowledgeC ArrownutOh, Gayle, as always, you made your reader puzzle or vex on your technique in poetry! As always, you stimulate our minds to participate on finding the gist of your poetry. Your technique is amazingly different. Maybe, for fine (or expert) poets, it is easy for them to grasp the meaning. As for me, especially that my first language is not English, my mind would wander to find what is your intent. It is like Physics that is head-cracking. But Physics is easy because ideas and theories can be translated into mathematical equations and that is what I am good at, modesty aside! SMILE! Well, I dared to give input on your artistry because I like it to be that way. It made me participate. And it is like an adventure in poetry. Of course, my advantage is I will have a new experience on poetry. So, I appreciate your technique very much! So, here I goes... If I pause and think of the title "The Road to Knowledge", I feel that the poem is as usual as many others. My perception would be the poem is easy to grasp. But I read each word, it gives me a riddle. It seems that the road to knowledge that you are presenting is a labyrinth. Something highly intricate or convoluted in character, composition, or construction. Thanks to your additional notes. It lighten me somehow. Let me scrutinize closely each line... Key Logger lets him lurk way beyond the shadows long after the naked eye ends. Key Logger is the first word in capitals! Maybe, it reprents to a person and you are trying to describe how he finds himself the key to knowledge, how he manifested the way which leads him beyond the shadow (which is already a in a light path). Literally a logger is a lumberman who cuts logs into lengths after the trees have been felled. Oh, my God, I am puzzled! Maybe, you somehow associate that idea. Am I getting sensible here? ..."beyond the shadows long after the naked eye ends" ---Oh, this is very mysterious! It seems to me the shadows would mean the obstacles along the way. Well, in that idea, you are presenting a kind of path or a road that makes sense for me in order to reinforce the theme, the road to knowledge. Like a Silent Deploy, the Lover Spy follows her steps to the bank where she tallies house payment, car loan, wireless … even booze and weed allotments. Here comes the second the and the third word pairs in upper cases: Silent Deploy and Lover Spy! Deploy? I can think of the military action, the act of deploying; a spreading out of a body of men in order to extend their front. Aha! The it is somehow related to the third capitals "Lover Spy", a spy is an agent employed by a state to obtain secret information, especially of a military nature, concerning its potential or actual enemies. Somehow, in my perspective, both of them speaks about military thing! Here, the pronoun is "her" which is of course feminine. The word "booze" is a vocabulary for me, I think it refers to hard liquor? And "weed" refers to the slang term that means cigarette or maybe it refers to something useless and detrimental? And once again, the idea presents a a road by the phrase "follows her steps to the bank", therefore, reinforcing again the theme, "the road to knowledge". This Specter not-so-Softly seethes as he detects her drooling jaunt through the land of the biggest, picturesque pricks. Here, once again, you are portraying a road of travel or a journey which is wearisome? The fourth capitalized word is Specter, a haunting image! "not-so-Softly" is intriguing in the sense that it is in capital and you mentioned that all the words in capitals refer to the same type of thing. Well, the significance is it describes the jaunt. I can remark the sounding of specter/softly/seethes with a mysterious hissing and plosive 'p' in picturesque/pricks. By the way, what do you mean by "pricks" here? Hare's tracks or footprints? The third strophe also desribes a road as evident in the words/phrase "via", "trips" and "through the doorways". The last word in capitals is "E-Blaster" --i assume it is an explosive charge that can cause a violent explosion, as of dynamite or a bomb. where he crushes her knuckles. ---[In this line, I am wondering if "her" must be "his"!] Well, Gayle, all I can grasp here is that this poem presents differents kind of roads to knowledge. For instance, there is a different way to a certain discovery. It maybe hard or easy. Reading this piece, my mind leaps to the its maximum energy level. Honestly, I like unique poems. I mean something that has a different technique and perspective. Thank you very much for sharing this. If you can pinpoints some things that I need to understand here. I'm sorry if I am not getting sensible here. But I have to SMILE for this! As always, Jordan2003-11-01 09:05:20
Colors of Aah!Donna L. DeanHow splendid are the imageries you painted here, Donna! I especially like poems decorated with lip-smacking colors like this. Indeed, you have Colors of Aah! What an enticing title! One embellishing ornamentation of the poem is the reinforcement of similes. Although, the sun is already dropping, it is still enlivining to imagine its activity like a pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil. Fabulous is your description here! This is fraught with wonderful exclamations! The application of the alliteration and assonance is remarkable with 'p' in pink/pearl and 'o' in olive/olive. This adds up to the splendor. I breathe a sigh of relief for the day was tiresome...the relief maybe was made possible by the valuable accomplishments of your work. It is also an interesting idea to say "breathing a sigh"! Poetic manipulation rules here! The association of butterflies is wonderful especially its likening to the jack-o'-lanterns. This also spices up the splendor of the imagery. I like the rhyming effect of orange and lanterns. I especially like this line, my favorite, "I write to the tree, to the soil, to the sky and they write back to me." Nature is really a great source of inspiration. It is amazing to note the stimuli-response activity here. This seems to apply to one of the laws of Newton, the "action-reaction" pair. The response of the tree, the soil and the sky proves it! Reading the news of nature is a very original concept! You are giving me a discovery here, poet! Interestingly, news of nature creates a wonderful alliteration of 'n'. And you just ended the piece effectively, from the end of your work you are now relaxing with ease. The use of "I fall like the leaves upon my bed" is apt. It denotes a care-free activity. Congratulation in advance for this outstanding poetic craft, Donna. This is one of your bests, polished to the max! Best regards, Jordan2003-10-28 10:44:38
japanese verse 29 (Breeze)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoHi Erzahl, What a verse you have given us again! How I wish to have a skill like you? I mean how are you able to come up with the new concepts? You are really gifted, unbeatable in haiku form! Anyway, let me taste the delicacy you have prepared for us here? The special spice you have put in here is first of all, the personification. It is very lively and enlivining to put wind and leaves into action. It is throbbing with a special kind of energy that runs an inscrutable sinew through my body! The breeze is refreshing in itself but you made it evolve to a kind of exquisite refreshment through this verse. "Wind tickles the woods" is a new figurative language. Amazingly original! How powerful is the ability of the wind to tickle that even the hard object (the wood) is tickled to the max! Is it a young or an old wood? If that is the main wood (the stem), how much more the branches are tickled? Just kiddin'! By the way, alliteration of 'w' is remarkable in wind/woods. Good choice of wind and wood instead of maybe breeze and branches. Oh, breeze and branches also give an alliteration with 'b'! I can think of "Breeze tickles branches". Just a thought! As leaves giggle in pleasure...oh, what fun! The leaves are like friends in a joyful get-together! Fabulous! I can think of using foliage (Foliage giggles in pleasure?) Just a thought again! Echoing the bliss....the use of echoing is apt because it denotes a reflection of sound waves and of course leaves make sound. Once again, what a pleasure to have read your incredibly outstanding verse! Best regards, Jordan2003-10-27 18:57:32
Sweet, Sweet Music (II)Mell W. MorrisHi Mell, You just give me a nuclear reaction in which dance and music combine to lilt me with the simultaneous release of energy! The energy that this poem gives is more than enlivening! I am fond of music as well! Preferably, I like classical music when I am about to sleep, and when I am in love. I like pop music and a little rock when I am just doing something in my room. And of course, I like fast dance music when I feel like dancing, I like to dance and accustom it as an exercise, you know? When I write poem, I don't listen to music, I want solemn. How about you? You started to mention fusion jazz....a music that blends jazz elements and the heavy repetitive rhythms of rock. The association fo Cliburn is a manifestation of an original concept. As far as I know, Cliburn was an American pianist who was the first American to win the Tchaikovsky Prize (1958)---I researched it. I am not familiar with him, though. I like the sound created by jazz/razz/tazz, rock/rap, hand/span, they add up to the enlivening rhytmn! The second strophe made me hum with....swing, hip-hop, bebop and blues!!! The inclusion of the religious chant "Gregorian chant" just gives me a thought that religious songs are also great especially to alleviate the weariness of the soul. I love Amazing Grace! I am not that familiar with Aida march, Turandot, Hendrix, etc, but I like their inclusion because they promotes originality. Alliterations are also applied here like balm/Brahms, calming/conflicts, etc. They also has an enlivining effect which is a good ingredient to have a lilting theme like this! For many like me, music is key, ---I am thinking of adding "a" to have "music is a key". Maybe, It can distract the rhytmn? Poetry rules! Don't bother anyway! You are eternally smitten....that is how it is to say that music is the language of our soul. Yep, I have read your Sweet, Sweet Music (I), it is wonderful too and that is more deep! A song soothes our soul us just like a poem! Do you agree, Mell? Thank you in a million, I am revigorated today! Take care, Jordan.2003-10-25 16:19:29
OriginC ArrownutHi Gayle, Been a long time you were absent from the link. Thanks I see your other submission. Origin?...I am drawn to think of the existence of something that is new to discover...Are you presenting here a certain discovery? Well, let me see... The firs stanza is amazing in its imagery presentation. It brings me to an excursion in a certain unknown and distinctive island. Oh, I love seeing islands. My country consists of 7107 islands! I like the view that you depicted here. The first line: From the land, the island looks ---[Im sure that line that the speaker is landing is a big land and he is looking to a certain island far away. Is it a mainland? land/island ---i am wondering which is bigger?] Your description of the island suggest that the island is a virgin island with lush green....and when you associate that as the "the freshest dawn of an idea" ---I can think of just like a certain discovery of origin is conceived and entailed by the mind. New ideas lead to new horizons. We can think of the discoveries in Science, its breakthrough is made possible by the influx of the new ideas. One end tapers to a fine point like a serpent...this simile creates a concrete visual to further enhance a good look at that island. A serpent can bring a symbolism...it can mean the island is dangerous....ah...maybe because you describe it as impenetrable. The adjecitive "orange" seems to be a little questionable...orange would bring me a nice and beautiful imagery....but I think you are describing rusty/or dusty? But the metaphor "bridge of established beliefs" is wonderful and apt to mars the view of nature. The second stanza seems to be magical and astounding which seems to be a little perplexing! Like when you think of the imagery, your eyes are bulging looking at a certain strangely amazing thing. Just like when you are discovering something, you would exclaim "Oh" or "Wow" or the like. You know, in the imagery of the second stanza, I can think of that big lion momument in Singapore that opens its mouth towards the city's glory. Alright, no matter where is that unknown from which the white sand forming a mouth, I am enjoying my mind to penetrate on the imagery from the island to the lush green area...to that fine point like a sepent...to that amazing bridge... and so on and so forth. The extended metaphor is sustained. Thank you very much for sharing, Gayle. I hope I give something to ponder on here. Your mind might be misty on my view/outlook here. Take care. Jordan.2003-10-22 16:23:20
Talking To The TreesMell W. MorrisHi Mell, I am excited to critique this poem of yours as this would be my first attempt to give a little input to your artistry. I know your craftmanship is one that levels up with the works of the fine poets here. Infact, you got the first rank last month. Anyway, I'll give it a try. This poem is released with a very deep thoughts giving the readers a good thing to reflect on. The observations you have with the leaves and how they manifest with nature is more than a meticulous analysis, more than a qualitative chemical analysis! SMILE! When I read the title I can sense a little poignance that feels in my nerve. It seems to me that you came from a certain mood of unhappiness that you happen to talk and make a magical conversation with the foliage. But let me see if there is another side of the story. You thrill me here! And there we go, the first input is giving me a forlorn imagery as it directs me to think about eulogies: Falling leaves give eulogies to autumn seasons and for love- But the way you associated the falling leaves here is more than a wit descriptor. This is a unique concept for me. The personification of the leaves enlivens the mood and turns down the sad emotion. And...thrillingly... love- long reasons and with crisp songs, please myriad beings. Alright, it is wonderful! I like the imagery here, it is comforting. I could just mention the nice hissing sound created by seasons and songs. This seems to manifest the presence of the leaves. Crushed hushes occur when leaves tell tales: ----again here, the hissing sound of sh in crushed/hushes is just remarkably nice. And the 't' is nicely alliterating in tell/tales. This is a good reinforcement that adds the enlivening of the personification. And again, the hissing sound of the leaves is manifested in the third strophe: leaves/pages/assuage/loneliness/spaces/traces. It just give me a comforting atmosphere. And the use of the simile is enhancing as it should be: Leaves are like pages of poetry that assuage loneliness....It is amazingly a new descriptor! The images here are the just comforting from the nice transformation of the eulogies that the leaves create to the glory of their stories. A dramatically wonderful effect! Poet, you've just done it astoundingly outstanding or outstandingly astounding! SMILE! Sorry, I don't see anything to change here. This is superb and it just make me excited for the voting period. Thank you very much for sharing, Mell. I read one of your critiques. You are getting ill? I hope I give you a little reason to smile and be healed. Jordan2003-10-21 15:10:26
DewdropDonna L. DeanHi Donna, I was amazed how you came up with this short piece laconically crafted! I bothered counting all the number of words and oh, it just sums up to 38! Very cute! But it is not all that I can say, I feel that this piece is bringing a reflection, a deeper thought that the reader can refect on to! Hmmm... you are watching the dewdrop form on the blade of the glass and it is so thrilling that as it holds itself on the top, if it would slide it would lose itself totally! This is a point of reflection! This gives me the thoughts of the things in the world that are fleeting. It leads me to the thought that everything in this world is not permanent that it would not last forever. Say for example your life, it is very critical that if you get slid, it will be gone. This would probably give us the warning and the caution that we have to take care of the minute detail in our life that while on earth we can do the best that we could do with all the cautions and heed. Well, Donna, you give me a deep ponderment here. It is always a credit if the readers are invited to participate on the thought. Your poem is almost a mystery that put the readers into puzzle. Looking at the things aroung us in a microscopic perspective we make our imagination soar high that would possibly lead to a new horizons. Thank you very much, I could not change anything on this poem. It stands powerfully reflective. Take care, Jordan 2003-10-20 16:02:21
A Thousand Vacant BodiesEddie S. IrisOh, Eddie, the impact you created in this piece is in its maximum gravity! I see how significan this piece is! It awakens your reader to for deep reflection. Guns here...guns there... your theme is great and it should be taken seriously. This is not a news but it is more than a news depicting the harsh and gruesome events that suffer a lot of bodies. We are in the world of war today, crimes are everywhere. The earth is no longer a safe place to live in. The war in Iraq just subsided and it is giving us the warning that was is a mass destruction. Terrorism, too, is casting out blood even the most innocent suffers. Anyway, the presentation is very well done. The title alone is intriguing that can stir the readers' mind. The association of stars and sky seem to reinforce the idea of vacant bodies. It is very effective that way. It brings me the imagery of the heavenly bodies and it creates a thrill to the readers until they know in the end that it is concerned on the vacant bodies on earth that are suffering. It is dramatic that way. It has an astrological effect that would bring the mind of the readers to the outerspace. Therefore, it is not disclosing immediately right to the theme and could make it boring. The mentioning that the stars are "sick" and they left is an appropriate reinforcement of the theme. It projects the idea of pain and suffering and loneliness. It enhances the tone in a dramatic way. The keywords that put the readers right to the theme are "jet-black", "bullet", "gun", etc....telling us to find peace through the bullet pull that trigger.... a very effective line of awakening! The inclusion of the questions are effective that really serves to awaken and open the mind of the heedless: how can you ignore that smell how can you disregard the screaming how can you not notice a thousand vacant bodies marching past It is depicting a bloody scene. It is sad to note. It suggests that violence is never a way to peacefulness. If only all of us are against violence, peace would be all around us. ....why can't you just look into the face of your child and ask if he's okay....this is very poignant! It is realy sad to picture this out. Just look into the eyes of a child, and you will be in tears if you feel what the child feels and needs. This is so great! I almost to tear! Perfect presentation, the absence of uppercases is effective to enhance the tone of the poem. Thank you so much for sharing, Eddie! I think this is your first submission, you hit so high! Peace, Jordan2003-10-19 16:02:35
japanese verse 28 (Rose)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoAnother superb masterpiece, Erzahl! As always, I can see how you manage your mind to soar high and come up with highly elegant verses with all their aesthetic beauty! It seems to me you have a Japanese blood that you are so skillful in this form of poetry. SMILE! Here, you appropriately associate the image of a rose to a wine. The three remarkable keywords are "wine", "glass" and "drunk". This is perfect! Crimson as a wine...is an exotic description of a rose. I can view it as lively as I am looking at a video. You just created a palpable imagery! Filled in the glass of season...is an essential reinforcement of the first line conveying the idea of "wine". "glass of season" is more than a metaphor that works to entice the readers. How you manage accurately to link the idea of wine in the first line. And the third line is so wonderful! Drunk by its beauty...inscrutably superb description! I don't know, I run out of word to express how I feel for this line! If this verse is a lady, it is gorgeous and the sexiest. It is dazzlingly beautiful! Thank you very much, I am stunned to your creative craftmanship. This verse is more than a pepsi commercial, that I ask for more! Or a sprite to obey my thirst and maybe a coke that is the real thing! SMILE! Best regards, Jordan2003-10-18 10:52:45
The Mountain Man's Mystic MissiveRobert L TremblayHi Bobby, What a creative artistry! I can feel this is tedious to do... the structuring, the sculturing of a man's face! But you nade it as if with no trace of tiredness or uneasiness, huh! This is not a haiku, nor a diamante, nor a villanelle and so on....but this seems to stand to have a magical structure. That is greatly appreciated! Oh, thanks for writing it in a normal structure for an easy read! I can conceptualize it using the structure and I can comprehend it more using the normal format. This is about a man's spiritual letter containing his mysticism. The twelve stanzas are more than enough to bruite out the details of man's involvement in any field in which he lives. The activities are detailed by associating the dates in which the state of events are happening. I think there is a question on the man's relation to God, to his spiritual participation. I like the way the title goes, the 'm' sound is just wonderful to read with Mountain/Man's/Mystic/Missive, it sounds mmmm... as in "man"! Just a thought! Mountain man, asleep on granite tomb, in --[the description of a 'granite' seems to reinforce masculinity. Crumbled, creviced craters, not forever – ---['c' sound alliterates wonderfully adding to the mystical implication] How are you within New Hampshire’s sky bin? ---[New Hampshire is the place? Interesting!] Dust to dust, they say. And, you? What? Never? ---[the inclusion of the questions creates a great impact.] The imagery in the second stanza is vivid with the association of the youthful candles and the passion flaring up! Energetic in effect! Sightless scarecrows stumble, tiptoed tightly, --[I couldn't skip to mention the hissing sound 's' and the 't'] But, too, man, like mountain, dust to dust clear, The likening of the man to a mountain here suggests that the power that the man wants to hold, it seems to give an idea that man is trying to prove himself strong and forceful that he can do better to go beyond in performance, to be the top of everyone. This mountain even surpassed the war, he was the survivor and stands great. This are significant lines that reinforced the thought: Braced by Geggs and lasted - frozen – eighty, Countered using wires and rods, believing Human will and Nature’s force are matey The mountain man tried to control the forces of nature believing that he and the nature are friends or matey. But there is an end to everything, the mountain is not immortal. He is mountainous in his power but he is subject to limitations and God is who the ultimate Mountain Man Who can live forever more than a mountain can withstand its stay in this world. Thank you so much for this great piece, Bobby! The message is profound and universal. Best regards, Jordan Jordan2003-10-15 20:10:08
For The Sake Of All Lovers Lost To ThisRick BarnesA poem fraught with delightful inspirations, Rick. I think this is my time to critique your artistry so I am excited. Here you make my heart pine and long for the true love that you have depicted. The kind of love that is forever, not fleeting. I am still a bachelor so this thing is tickling to me! Your title "For The Sake Of All Lovers Lost To This" is enticing in itself. It readily stimulates the readers' ming because your theme is practical and of course universal, the most intriguing theme, "LOVE". Alright, you have given the most awakening lines, the first five lines are my favorite, so let me itemize it here: It doesn’t only come down to you and I. ---[this is a dramatic line!] There are violins guiding our every move ---[like the association of violin, it is apt to give a concrete visual. Very creative! I really love it "violins guiding our every move".] And the aroma of myths we live by --["aroma of myths" ---what a fantastic phrase. 'm' seems to alliterate!] Fill our lungs in passionate breaths ---["myths" and "breaths" seems to resonate wonderfully!] We have no choice but to breathe. The line "In the genius of our two hearts." would remind me that seeking for the right love is all taken and decided by the heart. Even the mind could not overpower if the heart manages the feeling. Since first four lips created a kiss, ---[nice alliteration is created by the fricative 'f'.] It adds up the love's delight. Wow! The ending is just reminiscing! What a treat to this single heart! Thanks, you make this heart palpitates for love! Smile!!! Jordan 2003-10-15 15:32:05
Cycles (Diamante)Dan D LavigneDiamante? Oh, this is something unique, Dan! I like this one this playful and of course entertaining! Only this time that I discovered this structure of poem! I've been writing for 2 years, though. Let me research first the meaning of diamante.... Oh, yeah, I got it now! It is a diamond-shaped poem with 7 lines. It is not particular of the syllables but let me itemize each line: LIne 1: Sun = 1 NOUN-A Line 2: Bright, radiant = 2 ADJECTIVES-A Line 3: Burning, blinding, glowing = 3 GERUNDS-A Line 4: Solar, Star, lunar, satellite = 2 NOUNS-A + 2 NOUNS-B LIne 5: Waxing, waning, shining = 3 GERUNDS-B Line 6: Luminous, celestial = 2 ADJECTIVES-B LIne 7: Moon = 1 NOUN-A This is perfect! The first 3 lines are exclusive for group A which is speaking about the sun, the fourth is divided into two: 2 NOUNS for A + 2 NOUNS for B, and last 3 lines are for group B (speaking about the moon!) This kind of writing incorporates analytical thinking! Such a creative art is glittering to read, just like visualizing a real diamond. And this one really is exponentially high because your theme is glowing, radiant and shining just like a diamond! Thank you so much, Dan. I enjoyed it too much. I think I have to write one! Best regards, Jordan (you know, they also call me "dan" by my family but my friends call me jords or jordan.2003-10-15 11:38:18
After the StormJoanne M UppendahlDear Auntie Joanne, I am thrilled when I knew that your previous submission "Role Model" was revised. So, I hurried and took this from the bottom of of my critiquing list. I am just curious how the revision would go! First of all, it is sad to note that this one is motivated by a sad story, the death of your son. I did not know it until I read your reply. But it is inspiring to note that this signifies a commemoration that can replinish your miss of him and also this denotes your acceptance as you told in your third stanza: "the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what comes next." I also smiled when I read your message saying that God gives us the ability to see a message in His Creation: His infinite love for all of life, though the external things, like storms, and tiny animals serving as food for larger ones may look harsh. And that you recognized that everything that happens in this word has its meaning and purpose....that somehow you learn to accept the death of your son with your total submission to God. I believe he is happy right now with all your prayers and he is seeing God in His glory. So much for that! The first revision you made is the title. I could say that the impact is more strong when you have "After the Storm". It makes me realize that there is hope and gladness after the storm. The tense is what you changed in the first stanza, the changing of "afternoon" to "today" and transforming the verb into present tense. It makes the emotion felt deeply and the personification of the wind is more tangible! In the third stanza, you have deleted "posture of". This makes a more simplified and nicer flow. The insertion of the comma and the word article "the" also makes a remarkablly good point. I can feel the influx of the idea can caught more attention. Lastly, the association of the adjective "gleaming" makes the image more concrete and oh, it creates a wonderful alliteration of the "g" sound! It seems to add up the idea of light or hope! What is the significance of changing "prudently" to "wisely"?....Let me think....Isn't that "wisely" is more supreme and more reverent? I think so! Love to see the revisions! The previous version already stands strong but this is more fortified and flawless! SMILE!!! God bless and take care, Jordan2003-10-12 20:55:42
japanese verse 27 (Will)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoHow should I address you, Dear Mr. Brilliant Haiku Maker? SMILE!!! I always critique the top most poem in my critiquing list but I scrolled down the list and dared to critique this haiku! This is actually my first attempt to critique your masterpieces which are the Japanese verses and I am a little afraid I won't be able to satisfy you. Anyways,... As I look up the meaning of a haiku, it is a Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons. Alright, this is perfect in its form and syllabication and enticingly, you made the first two lines rhyme. Obviously, this one is not speaking of nature or season but it comes appropriately with a strong thrust of philosophy of life! It is not giving splendid imageries (like your previous submission Camel, Dawn, Tide, Water Lilies, etc.) but it is providing me a precious food for thought. The first line "Universal drive" brings me immediately to the idea of "Will" and of course the title sums it up aptly! The idea is very practical and realistic. It is in the scope of human perspective as as far as human philosophy is concerned. We are designed by God to have a free will but it is a reality that sometimes we don't have enough courage to place this into action. I can think of the famous saying that goes, "If there's a will there's a way!" And the second line "To live free and to survive" brings me an idea that because of the innate drive in us no matter how miserable is the life, we tend to struggle and survive. This made me of commercial of Kris Aquino in Smart Txt where she says "I will survive". No matter how her quote and quote "reputation", she still has the will and the drive to move forward! And of course, the third line "Knows no boundaries" is very realistic. Nothing and no one can stop this will and drive within us, there is no such thing as "wall" that blocks this universal drive. Alright, I think this is the best that I can say.This is little piece but there is so much put in it! This is a new kind of experience for me, Erzahl! Maybe, I'll try making this kind of verse, and I'd like you to be my PhD critiquer! SMILE!!! God bless, Jordan2003-10-12 11:00:04
Role ModelJoanne M UppendahlHi there Auntie Joanne! How are you? From the long break of my participation in the link, I miss your poetry and everything that we had before. I was able to come back last month, but I did not get the chance to critique your poetry. I've been excitedly waiting your entries to be at the top of my critiquing list but I did not see them moving up. But of course I read them especially the lunar spoffs! Actually, I became busy with my career after graduation! Anyway, allow me now to try giving you my maybe "trivial" views. SMILE! Alright, I can see how your poem is laconically written. I am excited because I know even if you have a short piece, it would give ample thoughts that I can ponder and enjoy. I am intrigued by the title because I actually have a poem that was titled the same as this "Role Model". It is about my role model in life. But I think this one is not literally speaking to a person who could be your role model but this is more symbolic. In the first strophe I can sense a poignant emotion especially that it mentioned "squalling" and "tears". But the use of personification of the wind gives me an enlivining gesture! In the second stanza, I can see the symbolism of spent flowers. This adds up to the poignant emotion that maybe it's you who is feeling that way. I can think of the event that perhaps caused you to weep and bent in mourning. Is this felt in your real life? By the way, the word "ricocheted" is a vocabulary to me. And when I looked it up it means "rebounded at least once from a surface"! Aha, I can see how appropriate it is to further visualize the spent flowers. In the third stanza, I can see a philosophy in life "to give up of what has been and leaning into what comes next". It means so much to me as I can relate it very well. I also had this sad experience before and at certain point after that sad event, I came up with a realization that it is a wise move to go on to survive! And oh, the last stanza is very dramatic and inspiring! The symbolism of the garden spider weaving once more is very appropriate to associate the philosophy that every man has the tendency to stand up after the stumble or fall and it is a wise act that way! It is by saying "I will survive!" that the hope is glittering and will continue to loom before our very eyes! What a great poem this is! If you can tell me the story behind this poetry, Auntie Joanne! God bless, Jordan 2003-10-11 16:00:37
Pastmarilyn terwillegerHi Marilyn, I am excited with this attempt to give input to your poetry because this would be my first time. As I look up your profiles, you've submitted alot of your wonderful craftmanship! Anyway, so much for that. This one brings me up to two mood: poignant and at the same time inspiring! Poignant, in the sense that obviously it speaks about your past and this is a commemoration of your beloved departed. You let me feel here that your togetherness was very memorable and the life that you have together with that person is worthy to be cherished forever. Now that he was gone, you have the gloomy days and the sad times. But I can also feel that this one is inspiring because the love that you shared with the that person is still alive and will be cherished forever. The past never passes it lurks patiently until haunted by the mind You have shown us in the effective introductory lines the reality of the past. And the way you described it is very concrete that it is personified. It is the stimuli that once responded it creates a reaction. In Physics, I can think of action-reaction theory. In the second strophe, you tell us that even how much you are inclined into your present activities/situation, like even had lots of joys now and enjoyable moments now, it is not impossible that your mind will forget everything that has been in the past. The past is like a wave that sometimes raging and sometimes quiet. I like how you concretely described memories in this phrase "but waves of memories catch cobwebbed corners clutching them close to consciousness". The personification somehow enliven the sad thought that the memories bring. There seems to be a technique here: the alliteration of the sound 'c' in "catch/cobwebbed/corners/clutching/close/consciousness" is amazingly wonderful. It is a good point because it somehow compensate the sad emotion. You have written the piece very laconically but it has all that it says to bring forth the idea of the past. With the triple stanzas containing triple lines are just enough to concretize the idea. And you have ended the poem inspiringly giving the caressing thought: "The past remains present, lest I forget the comfort of your arms". Very lovely! I'm sure your husband would be elated with this one. Thank you for sharing, Marilyn. I look forward to reading more of your pieces. Take care, Jordan 2003-10-10 20:51:04
In Search Of The God ParticleDrenda D. CooperPhysics! Oh, gosh! You made me very excited with this one Drenda! Don't you know that I am a graduate BS Physics and of course this is my field of study! Sad to say that at this point in time, I am not into Physics, I am into computers. I have left Physics for quite somtime now! Anyway, may I have the best to recall the Physical concepts that I have studied before! To some of my poems, I have been trying to associate Physics! And it is very interesting like when you associate Physics to love, phylosophy of life, etc... And this one is a very well-crafted Physics-Poetry mixture! In Search Of The God Particle? This should be a new issue in Physics, huh! Haven't heard of it lately! Oh, I am getting behind the updates, how interesting to note that a search has begun for launching that 4-mile-long machine to hopefully detect a tiny bit of matter so elusive that some consider it practically divine! Good that you are updated with this, poet! Alright, you have made the poem a high caliber with a high caliber theme! To have this theme is not ordinary in poety. So it must be given a huge appreciation. The entrance is very effective to bring out what it is in the minds of the Physicist. Physicists' minds flex and spew Complex theories of flux. From realms of the unseen Highly imaginative possibilities In the minds of the Physicists, there is always this influx of new ideas that arises into new theories and eventually to new discoveries. Physics stands superior in the fields of science that makes the imagined possiblities into mathematical probabilities to incomprehensible equations... It is sometimes amazing to think about the theories of the three-dimensional box! Giant accelerators smash particles Into waves, as great minds hover over -[The phrase "great minds hover over" is very poetically appropriate!] Hoping to uncover miniscule articles Of their faith. This is the goal of the great minds in Physics! And the skeptics would just be amazed of the proofs that these great minds can provide! What is the latest Nobel Prize in Physics? I just don't know! Maybe, you know! Reflective in the continuum of space-time. For physicists, once more, will push the envelope; Bend thought into understanding; destined to grope For the core of that which has no beginning, no end. A very dramatic and forceful ending! Thank you very much! I enjoyed and I like this one greatly to the max! For me, this is a winner! I long more Physics from you, Drenda! Jordan2003-10-10 15:35:32
Hymn to AutumnRachel F. SpinozaHi Rachel, I am excited again to have this chance to give my views on this seemingly deeply intriguing poem. Also I feel it hard to unravel what it is telling about. It seems to give me a mystery or a kinda haze that makes me think deeply. It is always a good point if the poem makes the readers participate through thinking and pondering on the thoughts. Maybe, I am just not getting sensible at this moment. Anyway, I am getting verbose again! SMILE! Hymn to Autumn! The question that crops up right in my mind is, is the is the hymn joyful or melodious of forlorn? I can sense a little poignance here! I don't know I just felt it in my first glance of the title. The first image that loomed before my eyes is something like soft, light and white that seems to bring comfort with your wonderful entrance: Nestled in eiderdown, Flannelled and balmed, Eiderdown is the down of the either duck right? It is used as stuffing for quilts and pillows? Excuse this "low in English" reader! "flanelled" is even a voculary for me! Oops! I think it is typo, I think the spelling is only a single "l" but I think it is accepted! Just a thought! Well, infact, the word "cancel" can have both "cancel" and "cancelled" as the past tense. Anyways... Autumn left quickly Sans rancor or blame -[what is "Sans"? Is it used as a preposition that means "without"? So that it would say "without bitter resentment"? Im sorry about my being unknowledgeable! NOw, from the light/soft imagery in the first stanza, the second stanza gives me the picture of a somewhat coarse but lustering as you associated the idea of "linen"! The third strophe is more participating: Go now, go swiftly, To the veranda, Tune up the piano, Drink cider and bloom The imperative gives a strong impact! Isn't what you want to tune up with the piano, the kind of hymn to the autumn? This reinforces the effectivity of the title. And the ending seems to give a forlorn hymn! If I pause and ponder there seems to be a pain. I just don't know how to concretize the pain! I hope I did mess up my mind here! I salute to your craftmanship here! Thank you very much, if you can expound to me the real essence of the piece! Take care, Jordan2003-10-09 20:50:37
Travel AgendaC ArrownutHi Gayle, Is this going zigzag? I don't see a line that proceeds by sharp turns in alternating directions. You surely have the trouble in setting up the right structure and format. Anyway, this is not the point here! What is the point here is you have made a new vision in poetry! Its uniqueness is highly remarkable and of course it is appreciated very much! Heinrich Ibsen? Is he the Norwegian playwright who influenced the development of modern drama with his realistic masterpieces? Where his major works include Peer Gynt (1867), A Doll's House (1879), and Ghosts (1881). I am not actually familiar with this author but Im sure he has an influence on you somehow! The characterization of this piece is she? Is she experiencing this travel agenda? Well, I think she is not a real character as I imagined it in this input: "from the coldest spot in her solar system". How I see the influence of science in this art of work, it is more on Astrology and of course Astrophysics like I can relate the association of Primordial Material. It's nuclear in effect! The flight started from the coldest part away from the pluto? Your imagination should be soaring so high here! Was the travel made by the bullet (or a clip) that was shoot by the AK-47 from the point of that coldest part? Very interesting! How interesting to see the exotic imagery of the travel! From the Pluto was the original formation, then at the Neptune it is very apt to associate the theory of Big Bang! A cosmic explosion marked the origin of the universe. Oh my God, this is something that is not known by many! This should be a great piece C! You should be given Primordial (or fundamental) points here! SMILE! I enjoyed your Physics, Jordan. 2003-10-08 20:47:32
Crucible Of The TowersPaul R LindenmeyerHi Paul, what a seemingly effective structure that applied in here. I can liken the structure of an airlplane that cause the painfully tremendous event that once chocked the whole world! Or I think this one seems to symbolize the stairways of the Towers that you remarkably emphasized. But the real essence of the poem is seen in the significance of your purpose: to commemorate the the heroes behind that event! And as you mentioned also for those who offer their lives daily so others might live in safety and peace. Great! The way you presented is full of thrill and suspense portraying the event lively. It's like giving all the live imageries in a video! Of course, that is appreciated very much! The second stanza of the center input has all it says to thrill and give the suspense. I can think of the movie Titanic but the 9/11 is more gruesome! I could not think of any way to improve this seemingly perfect piece to reinforce the theme. Oops, one trivial thing, "stairways" is mispelled in the second mention. Maybe, because you are also thrilled while you were writing this! It is not a big deal though! Thank you very much for sharing. Maybe, this is my last critique for the month of September. Im glad I had the chance to read and critique this significant piece! Best regards, Jordan2003-10-07 22:28:52
Castles of the SeaDonna L. DeanHi Donna, Oh, this would be my first critique to your artistry eversince my last participation from the link. I've been inactive for a year after graduation because I became busy. Anyway... This poem is cute to look at but oh, it has huge imagery to display! The title itself is enticing for it paints a wonderful imagery. It brings me to an ocean shore and have fun there building castles. Well, the castles of the sea is an idiomatic expression! It speaks of the dreams not yet realized, or a make-believe dreams or deams imprisoned in the steel bars of fantasy. What is working here greatly is the use of metaphor. Though the poem is short, you were able to manage a sutained metaphor. Tears of sadness represented by tides wiped away dreams of make-belive (castles, the flawed reality. I like the way you played metaphor here! Sometime in our lives we keep on wondering and questioning why some of our dreams are not achieved. It seems to be the reality in our life. When we realized that these dreams are far beyond our reach we still have this input (the clean slate) to continue dreaming (building sand castles) and hopefully one point in time we can turn imperfection to perfection. A very short but laconically written piece. More of it! Best regards, Jordan2003-10-05 18:31:47
A Glorious DayCallie CothrenWhat a glorious day I have today after reading your poem, Callie! I think this is my first time to critique your artistry so I am full of excitement. Your title, "A Glorious Day", is enticing! What makes it a glorious day! I can think of the blessings you received and all the dreams that are fullfilled that day! I can even think of the spiritual attention like the Glorious Mysterious! Just cropped in my mind because of the gravity of excitement it gives to this reader! The rising sun beams its light through the leafless trees Your first input gives a glaring imagery. I almost bring myself in the scene where I am the focus of the spotlight in a hot concert! I am wondering the significance of chosing the leafless tree! It seems to suggest barren/maybe poverty! Well, maybe, I can think you are pointing out that even in the midst of scarcity, there still glow a glorious day! Great! A little comment, why not simplifying "sun beams" into a compund word "sunbeams". Just a thought! Casting long shadows on an earth still damp with dew. -'d' sound makes a nice alliteration! It's really a wonderdul wonderful cockcrow when you describe: The day awakens with the promise of great beauty The use of personification reinforces the idea of a glorious day. I especially like the energetic personification of the sun here: The sun climbs higher chasing away the shadow It's very enegetic, playful, suggesting a fresh and youthful heyday! I am basking with splendid colors here: At day's end the sun disappears slowly into darkness Painting the sky with brush strokes of purple, pink and blue. I just love to see what it imagery it vividly paints! And you just ended the poem promisingly! I hope to have that kind of day all the days of my life amidst the odds! Thank you so much for sharing this very enlivening piece! Jordan 2003-10-05 16:33:41
Shadow of GreatnessMark D. KilburnMark, If the title speaks about the shadow of greatnesss, this poem is in itself the shadow of a great work! I salute to your ideas that awakens and gives hope and inspiration to everyone here on earth especially those who are affected greatly by the Sept 11 event! In as much as I like the significance of the theme, I like the way you presented the ideas by the use of equisitely apt language/words that of course creative. The good point is it promomtes compensation of the gravity of the seriousness of the poem. I mean the laguage reinforces the compelling impact of the theme. To begin the shadow of my trivial (SMILE!!), the introcuction effectively presents the area of people who is greatly affected by the tremendously gruesome event, and these people are in fact play the central part building the backbone: We the infinitesimal few of the millions of blue and white collar workers, comprising the very backbone of this still grieving nation, I like the introductory sound of the fricative 'f' in infinitesimal/few. You just have said the correct the description that creates the clear imagery: emerging from the ash and rubble of this, dark and painful hour. The giants represents the great people who unselfishly sacrificed to try to bring back the previous good state and the alleviate the pains of the destructions. Their immeasurable acts of heroism our only light on this murderous day of darkness....yes! They should be given more than a wreath of laurel and more laudable honor! In the third stanza, I appreciate the description of the nation being naive and innocent but it suggests a leap to a great potentiality like a youth can have as much as potentiality to offer. The line "Stand united and fast America." is participating! But if we use the exclamation instead of the period, it would be more! Just a trivial comment on this gigantic piece! Allright, this poem just said it all, the awakening, the preparation to be more alert, the inspiration and finally the hope! Stand together, and our unity will make us indivisible and indelible from sea to shining sea. Working together, united we stand! It suggests us to share a little together with these giants and we can turn the sea to a shining sea! A very hopeful ending! Thank you very much for sharing! No wonder this poem is on the winner's list. Allow me to support it! (SMILE)! Peace, Jordan2003-10-05 14:48:36
Occupation,RevelationMichael BirdHi Michael, I am excited to have your poem being on the top of my critiquing list because I think this is my first time to give an input to your artistry. And this excitement is added because of the energy your poem gives. I can relate the vigorous event that you presented here as I usually do this one with my friends going out at night, having fun out there, bar hopping, drinking a bit san miguel light, and the like. It is always an enjoyment hanging up with friends and getting this kind of stuffs and activity. Oh, I miss this so much because it's been quite some time since our last night out party! Anyways... This one is more meaningful because the night out activity is by you and your girl! It is lovely and romantic to note! Oh, yeah, the application of the rhyming seems to give a tune or like a rock sound that goes with the hot activity! I just love reading it with rhythm. I adds more energy to this reader. Occupation,Revelation?...the title is a bit intriguing! The interchange of these two words is interesting! Oh, why is there no space in between the two words in the title? Well, I think it is done to reinforce the close connection between the two! In fact, I noticed that there seems to be a play between them. At first, occupation comes first with revelation, then vice versa, then the placement is interchanged again, then vice versa! Interestingly significant! Just a little comment on this line: I know you think your too good for me --[I think the apostrophe is needed to have "you're" instead of "your" I could love you for all the world to see But, oh, yeah, I can sense the love and passion! I can see humor in this input: Walking on down the street Looking for a pretty girl to meet Loving you would be oh so sweet Looking for a pretty girl to meet? *lol* -right now this is what I am doing! SMILE!!! I am still a batchelor. The mentioning of the pretty girls gives the actually scenario when going night out. The scene is very energetic as you mentioned the going here and all around, walking here dancing there, tippy toes on the ground! By the way, the 't' sound in "tippy/toes" alliterates wonderfully reinforcing the lilting imagery! Allright, I just love the passion in this poem! I should be more energetic on looking for pretty girls to meet! SMILE! Thank you so much for the nice and energetic read! Passion, oh, yeah! Jordan2003-10-04 10:41:20
Class and StyleMark D. KilburnHi Mark, I enjoyed this poem in as much as I enjoyed watching the bands in our local show! This piece serves as your indelible memory with your wife. It's like a biography that all the informations of your life together are printer. It's like a history book that puts every detail of your happiness as well as the feeling of sadness when this band is not showing. It's also like a theme song cherishing your days with all the delight that you experience until now! Class and Style? This is an intriguing title! Firstly, you mentioned, the band had class and the crowd had style. Secondly, it is vice versa, the crowd had class and the band had style. And in the third mentioning, you have associated your wife to go with the band not with the crowd anymore, the band had class and my wife has style. And in the fourth and last mention, it's all for your wife, you got a lot of class to go with your style! I like the way you associated things here with the idea of the class and the style! Very interesting! You started the piece with a seemingly forlorn imagery when the band was finished performing that you could no longer hear the joyous songs and dancer's steps became silent. I like it to be like that! It suggests that without this things in your life, there is a little dullness and the the real meaning is missing. But oh, the use of the rhyming scheme is remarkable like the second, and the fifth lines rhyme with the fourth and the eight lines respectively! This is a good point because it somehow lessens the imagery of dullness. And the rhyming scheme seems to give a nice cadence in the rest of the stanzas reinforcing the idea of the band, the dancing and the singing! You really have the style and the class, poet! The second stanza starts to flare up the imagery of joy that brings the smile to everyone's face because now the the band had class and the crowd had style. Great! I can just pick up some of the lines that have wonderful alliterations: They came on early played past late -the p sound is working nicely here sang all our favorites well worth the wait, -'w' is wonderfully alliterating! There are other alliterations you used that reinforced the happy imagery. And again, this poem has a class and I have the style! SMILE! I am really chuckling at this moment! And oh, real essence of happiness is being depicted in both of you! I can sene the inspiration and enligtening thoughts in these lines: being next to you is what really counts you keep me warmer than any old coat. Very lovely and sweet! And here: if by chance you shed a tear I’ll kiss away your stress Oh, I think I already have a very long input here, poet! You might be bored in reading my critiques at this moment. I just could not skip every detail of my reaction to this artistry. Excuse me for that! Anyway, I really enjoyed this. Thank you so much for sharing! This poem really have a class, a taste! And I just have a style! Jordan2003-10-03 10:35:48
My OilC ArrownutHi C! This is another outstanding piece of yours! This one depicts how you poetically crafted a symbolic and poignant piece. I believe your skill here is different from the previous submissions because this one uses symbolism manifested by your deep meditation. This suggests mental and psychological finesse or ability. In my first reading, I can hardly grasp the totality of the piece. I feel there is a deep meaning that you wanted to express here. My oil? In my first glance, I was thinking of something synthetic substance or petroleum! SMILE! But I know it is not what it is referring to. It is a painting done in oil paint, right? Allright, this oil painting of yours which is your favorite seems to bring a sad memory as it reminds you of the crisis and your indelible scars. This makes the poem poignant. But I can also feel that this serves as an awakening that inspires you to live a new life in your new house that perhaps has already a cellar. What's the significance of the cellar in the poem by the way? In my own idea, its purpose is to reinforce the imagery of your sad emotion. Am I getting sense here? SMILE! You started the poem depicting the scene which gives the your readers a conrete visual: My house without a cellar, burnt to the slab, picking through remains. The opening emotion is already forlorn. And seemingly mysterious, one of the remains is your favorite oil painting. The second and the third stanza is describing clearly the oil painting. The canvas where the oil painting is executed makes a good imagery as you described tossing gold crosses, pink rosaries, and holy water aside. The description here is essentially apt to further depict the emotion: Half burned, fringed with ash, but still in its tarnished frame. Now, that you have recovered from the past grim scenario, it seems that the oil painting replenishes your new wall of your new house just like a music replenishes a weary soul! Very well crafted, C! again salute to your poetic deftness! Always, Dan 2003-10-03 09:46:39
BlindedC ArrownutIt's you again, C! First of thank you so much for the feedback you made to my critique on Traffic Lights! I am a bit flattered that you seem to like the way I critiqued. You are true of your feel that it seems I belong to a different culture/race! I am actually outside US as most of the poets here belong! I come from the Philippines! Have you been to this country? Anyway... My feel in this laconically written piece is deep, pondering and moving! Deep in the sense that it seems you are trying to present a deep concept that really comes from deep thought. What I mean is the ideas conveyed is derived from the deepest feel/emotion/thinking that most of the people won't bother to feel. Pondering because it made me pondered how the idea of blinded is implied. It's deeply connoting one's personal ego, penetrating into the innerself. It's like focusing towards the innercore of something. I just could not adequately express. I also described the emotion here as moving because, it seems that the speaker of this poem is trying to seek for the answer of his inner question and wants to escape from that blinded scenario. Am I getting sense here? SMILE!!! The title itself is intriguing. In the the first glance, one could think of many scenarios of the state of being blind. Like one can think if it's talking about blinded by love? blinded by the real emotion? blinded by consciousness? or blinded of whatever? And I am sure that the reader would not escape to find the answers being reflected by the title! Using a title as an opening is indeed more captivating! It makes one to participate on the longing or questioning! And this is a good point! The lamp has refused to work...is the first reinforcement of the idea of blindness. It suggest dimness or the absence of light! Where is Thomas Alva Edison to light the lamp? one-room universe....a phrase that also supports the idea of blindness. Light steals in between the slivers of the blinds. It gives the imagery that enhances the scene! "blinds" here means something, such as a window shade or a Venetian blind, that hinders vision or shuts out light. Aha, so I think you are associating the scene in Venice, Italy? Just a thought! The ending is effective as it should be. Once again, the use of the question is participating! You just made your mind soar high to the space to catch the the question and put it in a creative way: And in our sealed enclosure, how can we know car beams from the moon or streetlights from the stars? Though, it is in sealed closure, your mind just freed up to travel a 1 light year to find the car beams and the street lights from the respective heavenly bodies! Wonderful and mystical? The ending question is like asking when can a dream come true! What a highly imaginative piece of searching the answer for how's? Thank you very much, C! Looking forward to read more of your wonderful artistry. 2003-09-27 17:37:25
Nativitycarole j mennieHi Carole, I am excited to at this moment seeing that your piece on top of my critiquing list. Excited because once again I can give input to your wonderful poetic craft! I remember way back in 2001 I think I was able to critique some of your poems. And it's been quite sometime since my last participation in the link. Only this month that I again able to participate in the link. Actually, it was after my graduation in college where I became busy with my career. Anyways... Oh, this is both intriguing and poignant piece! Intriguing in the sense that there are new concepts you introduced here associating Nativity. Also, poignant because the Nativity is in the perspective of derelict or destitute situation that I can relate since I am but a "poor"! SMILE! The title itself gives the reader in the first thought that it is about Christ's Nativity especially that December is fast approaching. But as reading the piece, it's a different story that tells about the perspective of shall I say the "outcast" or low level of community. And I can relate this very much because in our country (outside US), this scenario is prevalent. Indeed our country is a third world country. Anyway, the opening of the piece is more than intriguing: At 25 degrees Fahrenheit, urine freezes on a park bench. I like the association of Fahrenheit as it suggests originality. Oh, 25 degrees Fahrenheit is below the freezing point of water which is 32° Fahrenheit! Urine freezes in the park bench is really an unusual scenarion which connotes "poverty" situation. It is contrasting to the idea since Nativity usually connotes happiness and joy! Really intriguing! In the second stanza, the association of feces that becomes cloaked slush even added the state of being indigent. As I have said, I could relate and point out some places that have the same scenario as this one. But I don't what setting in the US that you derived this. The association of Coca Cola Claus and Rudolph nose is interesting! It brings me to the realm of Christmas before glittering holiday windows. It seems to give and imagery like being presented in a commercial. And also, it adds the concept of originality. A little comment here: Rudolph's nose blinking on, and off. -I am wondering if the comma is intended here. I think there is a need to omit it! And the most poignant scenario is depicted in the third stanza: Filthy bundles of clothes, emaciated stick figures, remain hidden in cardboard caves, [The alliteratiion created with the 'c' sound in "cardboard caves" seems to lessen the gravity of poignancy. ANd this is a good point! Also the involvement of the spirant of fricative 'f' does the same effect. their blued fingers fisted -the imagery here is very moving! against the cold. Clouds of stinking breath frost rotted teeth. I can feel your pity emotion as you poised the question: Who am I to redeem this sorry crèche? I believe you are seeing this situation in a certain place. I can think of in Muslim areas? I just don't know! Or maybe, it has a biblical implication as you mentioned sheep. And, oh, the association of monkey is somewhat more intriguing? Why monkey not donkey? Just a thought! SMILE!!! Thanks for sharing, Carole! I just have a new experience in poetry here! Best, Jordan 2003-09-27 10:47:16
Traffic LightC ArrownutHi C, I am excited once again to have your poem on top of critiquing list. I remember your previous submission that I critiqued entitled departed spirit. I can compare this one with the previous one the way your mind soared like there seems to be mysterious effect behind the poem. In the Departed Spirits, the mystery seemed to be conveyed in the last line in which you pointed out "His spirit still here cleansing me as if he lives,... unlike the earth, the soul and goblins don’t exist.. With this one Traffic Light, you associated the idea of angels, elves and "Christmas tins" which gives me a little puzzle and mystery. And the last line is a kinda puzzling "our insane condition that forces us to search and probe beyond the glare of our gods." It makes me ponder deeply. Behind this mysterious connotation, I find this poem as a fun. I can visualize the imagery of the angels sitting atop the trees bringing the signal stop and go. There seems to be lively connotation just making a fancy play! But it is striking to note that you made use of the simile to liken the situation with a traffic of insanity. Well, when you think of an insane thing, you can usually associate that the things are going abnormal! Haha! I am just chuckled with this idea! And the playful effect is being created in this input: As the eyes descend, the trees broaden through blinking bulbs and hanging elves that jangle on artificial limbs. Down, down, down, Mysterious is the idea conveyed by the trees suddenly broaden through the blinking bulbs and hanging elves jangle on the artificial limbs. Mysteriously funny! I am wondering if when the elves jangle on artificial limb produces an irritating sound, because when you say "jangle" it is usually associated with discordant irritating sound. I am thinking of the jingle bell sound produced with the Christmas tins! And finally you associated the picture of the wobbling, jumping and the dancing (maybe you can use dangling) of the Christmas tins and it seems to bring the idea of men's insane minds. Yeah, it is true that when we have this bungling minds, it tends to explore the unknown or beyond the glare of our gods! I just have a funny and perplexing experience with this one, C! Thank you very much for sharing. I hope I am able to give an insane input with this one or maybe my mind wobbles and dangles and fly off to the point of nowhere (together with the Christmas tins?) Smile! Jordan2003-09-25 16:25:57
BlazeDawn ParkerA brilliant burst of fire is what I noticed after visualizing this poem, Dawn! And it seems to me that this blaze is bringing a striking display that looms aloof before me. I can sense passionate feeling/emotions here. Upon reading the title, questions are looming before your readers... Is it a blaze of anger? A blaze of mixed feelings? A blaze of external sight? And of course, it entices us to put an interest/urge to read this laconically written piece. Indeed, this poem is blazing with colorful ingredients just like your previous submission that I critiqued entitled "A Taste of Life". What I mean for colorful ingredients are figurative language used which includes the personification, interestingly beautiful slang (like 'stoked') the use of alliterations, etc. Of course, personification is made use to create a energetic entrance...Time stands surprisingly still...and the more it becomes enlivining because of the wonderul alliteration that is created by t/s sound: time/stands/still...makes a sibilant sound with surprisingly. The attempt of meter gives an energetic cadence with the rhyming scheme that lilts my heart to a blazing palpitation. Smile!!! Just a little maybe trivial comment on this line: Minds kindle regrets burning untold -I think there should be an apostrophe here: [Mind's kindle regrets] I am bit chemically passionated in the last stanza: Cheeks absorb the sulfur taste Tempered with trust for the other’s face Arms reach for an explosive embrace Spirited above this ashen place I like the association of the 'sulfur' and the use of 'explosive' to describe a kind of embrace. Very interesting! I am thinking of how can I make mange my arms to make explosive embraces! I just have a great in this! It makes me open my mind to a perspective that is so concrete! I just have an blazing read with this one, Dawn. What do I mean for blazing read? It's a passionate and energetic read! It's again my pleasure reading and critiquing your artistry! With the blazing desire to read some more of your poetic crafts,,,SMILE!!! Jordan2003-09-24 17:51:23
A Cardinal ViewRobert L TremblayHi Robert, I am excited to read and critiuqe this piece because it is my first time to give input to your artistry. Likewise, this is a significant piece that recalls the fiery sight of the fall of the Twin Towers that gave a big shock to the whole world. So, the significance of this piece is derived from its purpose of awakening the people to the brutality, the grisly dreadful act of terrorism. Somehow, people would realize again that terrorism is definitely gruesome. Yet, sometimes we fail to see that war is an ultimate destruction of mankind. It is therefore giving us the challenge to promote peace and harmony among us. Thus World Prayer for Piece goes....Lord, we come to you in our need. Create in us an awareness of the massive forces of conflict that threaten our world today. And grant us a sense of urgency to activate the forces of goodness, of justice, of love and of peace. Where there is armed conflict, let us stretch our arms to out brothers and sisters........and soon. I just love to say this prayer everyday for I am a promoter of peace. I hate even a simple chaos, a tiny violence... So much for that Robert, I like the way you presented the poem. You see to it that the serious and humongous theme is compansated by the use of creative language and presentation. Like the descriptions you applied here are more than giving the overall imagery of the event and some good artistic manipulations. The alliterations seem to compensate the gigantically serious theme. They are wonderfully remarkable in these lines: Twin towering infernos, minimized -[the sound of 't' creates the effect. And oh, this is the start of the piece. A very effective entrance, indeed! The suicidal eagles’ grisly blow, -[the sound of 'g' alliterates wonderfully] Which brightens the horizon’s gruesome glow, -[also the sound of 'g' here] Within poetically rhythmic rhyme --[the 'r' here is more than a rhythm of sound] ......and many more wonderful alliterations that as I've said lessen the humongous theme. And it is a good point! Wonderful sibilance is also remarkable here: Sound spirits simmer in forlorn despair ----sss Of course, the rhyming scheme is giving a cadence like in rhythmic marching. And you have reinforced perfectly in all the stanzas with even no trace of forcing. Imagine, eight lines in all! With the first line goes with the second and the third to the fourth. A very wonderful pattern that once again lessens the gravity of the theme. Just like lessening the shock waves! And the Cardinal View is clearly described in your descriptions: infernos/apocalyptic dreams/eagles’ grisly blow/horizon’s gruesome glow/...etc. The association of spirituality is apt also to provide the proceeds for the fight of terrorism... With quickening homage from soul bestowed Within Divine celestial abode, Mankind’s creation’s realized, As Love is beckoned, heavenly disguised. In resurrection, absent swaddling clothes, Agape quivers as dark void it loathes; And rises somberly as wings unfold Majestically, blinding to behold. I like the association of Agape. In Christianity, it is the love as revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless and a model for humanity. Finally, the last input is the heraldic proclamation which ends the poem effectively! This is really a great poem bring the greatness of its significance and significance to us! It takes a wise mind to create this kind of piece, Robert. Thank you for sharing with us. Jordan2003-09-21 17:29:24
Taste of LifeDawn ParkerDawn, I can feel how you mind soar high to create this superb poetic craft! I can imagine how you concretize the Taste of Life here! The taste of life can either be bitter or sweet. And what you have presented is more than the taste of the sweetest sugar in the whole world! One's life would be sweeter and tasty if the desired ingredients are there. The most effective ingredient of course is love! And in this poem, I can sense the ingredient that makes your life tasty. As mine, it is savory as well! And I will continue to savor it with love. I have this sweetie dear, I love her very much! So much for that! The poem has all the ingredients to savor the readers' taste. The figurative languages are ample. And the words are sweeter than one could imagine. I like the way you started the poem, it's very enticing. You presented the exotic kind of baking with the magic yeast... Loving hands of a passionate baker Kneading this tired worn heart Touched with the magic of yeast All I could exclaim is "Wow!" The passionate baker is your man who kneads your worn heart into energy! I like it very much! And his touch is like a magic yeast with its warmth to rise your soul into gaeity! Then after putting the ingredients or the key elements for the seed to grow, the second stanza details the planting of the seed and the growth process. Because there is warmth the seed in the virgin soil begins to sprout. Just a little comment on this one: Spring tears Demand roots to sprout ---I am thinking of stating this line with "Demands the roots to sprout". so that the imperative is clear like the spring is commanding and demanding the root to sprout. Well, this is only a trivial comment to consider. The force Stimulates stems to strengthen ---the sibilant sound of 's' adds the wonderful effect! And bend to hear The melody of emerging blossoms... ---the alliteration of 'm' here is also remarkably wonderful! For the song of Harvest I really salute to the way crafted this one. Beginning with the Recipe of life to the journey of growth, then to the song of Harvest and finally to make a dish of Wholeness! So wonderfully crafted! I love to see more of this, Dawn. Best wishes, Jordan. 2003-09-21 12:39:08
Departed SpiritsC ArrownutHi C! How it is poignant this poem is written! A commemmoration of the person dear whose life was so dear and valuable his loved ones. The speaker seems to the closest to him, the speaker is the son of the this great person who observed everything in quantum to macro perspective, i.e. from the tiniest stuffs to the biggest ones. It is not quite clear how this person died so one could not feel how painful was the death. I hope not! But the pain was very much bore by his loved ones. Of course, everyone could relate the story. It is always griefing and mournful if lives are taken away in the Grace of our Lord! I had one griefing moments when my older brother passed away in the Grace of God, I was still a child at that time but I already felt too much pain. How much more the pain the speaker is felt because he already lived for how many years together with his departed loved one. C, I like the way you presented the experience of pain. You have made clear every details of the works and attitudes of that departed loved one. In the first stanza, you started the scene outside the house of that person and then proceeding to the inward part and then take a peep outside by the back porch. The poem is presented just like presenting a story with its key elements: scene, character,etc. And this story is broken into stanzas with fours lines. You attempted to have at least the same meter by entering the part of a long sentence to the next line. And it seems to click very effectively. I like the way your descriptions go..... The garden sprouts to his tune. The treelings he planted in front of the house, the fruit trees in back thrive like a memorial to him .....it's like compensating the sad sentiment and lessens the poignancy. His dogs mimic Cerberus howling at the door, awaiting his return. The association of Cerberus makes uplifted the originality of the piece. In Greek & Roman Mythology, Cerberus is described as a three-headed dog guarding the entrance to Hades. Is is effective to create an impact as you also mentioned the Hades to describe the bathroom where the warm glow like the fireplace permeating the small room. Just a little comment here: Talking to mom as she frantics the buttons on her --I am doubting the use of 'frantics' as a verb here! Or maybe this is a technical term used in Black Jack game? There seems to be horror here: Listen! I hear him creeping on the back porch. One can relate the experience as if it is a ghost! It's frightening! The use of imperative "Listen!" seems to let the readers participate in the scene! And it is a good point. But of course, it's only in the mind: but only in my head and heart because, unlike the earth, the soul and goblins don’t exist. You just ended the piece effectively. Even the spirit departed, still it lives forever in your mind and especially in your heart. And you will never forget him forever. Thank you for sharing, C! Take care, Jordan. 2003-09-21 11:31:52
The WallMell W. MorrisA very symbolic piece reinforced by the use of figurative language like simile, metaphor, etc. And oh, this is a dedication For EMW. Im sure this is inspiring and enlightening to her. This laconic ( I mean short and concise) is very descriptive and symbolic in nature. From the title itself, the readers would be enticely intrigued to read to unveil its symbol. And this poem completes everything that the girl is like. And it is inspiring to note that the amidst her frailties she was able to prove ultimately that her wall's fortification is more than strong her friends could imagine. The entrance is apt to begin to describe the quality she has: Her friends know how to mend her heart in ruins, know how to save it. ----it shows that she is very close to her friends that all about her is known like how to console her, and everything. The use of the simile 'like bad gravy' concretizes the idea of advice that is being pointed out. I especially like the description here: but the scent of him made her pure verb. -I can sense the love, the admiration... The man could be the author. The use of the idiomatic expression 'Squared the circle.' created an impact and it is effective. Just a little suggestion in these lines: of pap like bad gravy ---like [a] bad gravy? of him made her pure verb. -I am thinking putting 'a' to have 'a pure verb'. kept in place friable, fracting -I think you can just put 'fraction' instead of 'fracting' because 'fraction' is adjective in intself. Her scar will turn to proud flesh -i also suggest putting 'a' to have 'a proud flesh'. Well, these suggestions might be trivial and they did not harm the totality of your wonderful artistry. And you just ended the poem with an inspiring and hopeful thought: Her scar will turn to proud flesh, a reminder of love spurned and her well-earned badge of courage. This is a great poem to dedicate to her, Mark. Thank you very much for sharing. Best regards, Jordan2003-09-20 15:08:50
FALLINGMark D. KilburnI am basking with the colors of the seasons while reading this poem, Mark, as this poem is painting splendid imagery all over its wall. And the lip-smacking imagery is being reinforced by cadence and rhyming which seems to serve as the dance music like call/fall, sound/around, me/see, etc. They are perfect! And more nice impact is created by the way you form all the lines like every stanza has 6 lines. There seems to be in unison of the meter and it creates a harmony. fall in love with the fall....yep, your readers would more in love because of your nice presentation! There seems to be a forlorn scene painted in the second stanza: Serious forest elk will bugle a mournful and lonely sound. ----but the elk seems to create a trumpet sound especially that you describe that there is crispness going around. It made me miss eating eating crispy foods, huh! You also made use of the figurative language to further beautify the artistry: Summer birds fled replaced by the wind sounds like the ocean to me....I could feed the cool breeze while seeing the splendid scenery here: Snow falls outside winters white pride --[nice alliteration of 'w' sond] and a picturesque vista to see.....WONDERFUL!--[nice alliteration of 'w' sound in winters white] -alliteration has also a special effect in: where wild horses bray -with the nice sound of 'w' Days of deep freeze - 'd' sound is great! Just a little comment on these lines: there’s a crispness that’s going around -i would prefer omitting "that's" here, the read would be a little nicer. winters white pride -I think there is apostrophe here [winter's white pride] faith is believing in him - I would prefer to capitalize 'h' in 'him' because you are referring to God here. Although, these are just trivial suggestions and it did harm even a little to your superb artistry. I like the thoughts here: You have to stay warm during blizzard and storm or while waiting for Jesus to come. The association of Jesus is simply the best! Overall, the poem stands very high in its imagery, creativity, etc. Thank you very much. I long more of this, Mark! You should have a colorful day today! 2003-09-19 04:24:31
The PassingJudy A BadgerMy heart really feel the emotion that you have presented here, Judy. It is very poignant that I can relate it. It is really very sad that one of our loved ones will be taken away from us with the grace of God. Sometimes we could not accept the reality of PASSING, but it is the truth that we are loan here on earth. That each one of us has its own time, time to live and time to be taken out from the world, sad to note. We just have to be ready all the time. Anyway, so much for the sad thoughts, I like the way you presented the thoughts because I just feel that the thoughts are presented in a lovely manner. I mean you used descriptions that one can feel inspiration, enlivining amidst the sad emotion. Don't you know that I am also thinking that the girl in the story is going to be married already and that the groom is gonna take her away from your home and they will begin to create a new home themselves. Like you are the mother and your daughter is going to leave because she is to be united to a man who will take care of her till there is life. I really admire the way you click the words into place. And He wanted her, needed her to come home on wings of a lifetime of believing - I can think more that the girl is to be wed rather that to be taken away from this world. And this is a good point. You made it to the point that it is all in lovely thoughts. I like the idea here, 'He gave her the map, she followed it precisely.' The use of map is very apt to describe that the girl (your daughter)is doing good deeds that you are sure enough that God is pleased about it. And the another idea would come up when speaking about map, is that even how strange is the place for her (even how hard it is to be like Christ) but she followed the right way. 'with a smile that belies the joke' - a very nice imagery is created here! It is His turn to walk with her, comfort her, care for her for eternity. This is very lovely that I am thinking of a man taking his bride away from the mother of parents. It is just very lovely and it is a good strength of the poem. All you simple yet lovely ideas just flow smoothly and lovely and seems to bring inspiration until you come up with a very lovely and inspiring ending:And I will see her again in time, complete, a joyous reunion. Therein lies the miracle. It is a miracle that we believe in to be true! Very elegant and enlivining last input. Thank you very much for sharing, Judy. All my best, Jordan 2003-09-18 16:14:52
A Theory of CompositionC ArrownutWow! What a style, poet! This poem just made me realize that there is really totall freedom in writing. I could hardly imagine how you squeezed your mind that you came up with this astounding artistry. Freedom is really what every writer is endowed of. We may not be able to express our feelings verbally but in writing out mind can soar and every emotion is bruted to the limit. I remember one great author in Philippine literature named Dr. Jose Rizal. He had proven that a pen is mightier than a sword. As a short history, when the Philippines was colonized by the Spanish invaders, the fight for freedom is more expressed in writing and it was Rizal who led the Filipinos. You might be also familiar with his great novel, Noli Me Tangere (Touch Me Not) and El Filibusterismo. Anyway, so much for that, the poem freely stands strong in its artistry. Its uniqueness and originality are highly remarkable. I could not imagine how you squeezed your mind out in order to come up with this astounding piece. It is very obvious that everything is original here ranging from the style to the use of language. I am not quite familiar with the Flannery O’Connor but I could relate the theory well. And it is freedom that is spoken here "The writer should never be ashamed of staring. There is nothing that does not require his attention." And the next lines runs with the imagination of the writer. As this is a new experince me, it's look like it's bringing me an adventure that I could realize things over. Like the secrets are yet to be revealed. I like reading it with Um de dum de dum! And even how hard it seemed for you to create this one, the use of sobilant 's' is inescapable. Sit/Stare/Stew;Stall Stir And Scribble; Search/ Scrawl/Send with the enlivining of Um de dum dum. I could express further no more and still get astounded to the way you showed your talent here, poet! Thanks for sharing with us. This is my new wonderful experience. Jordan 2003-09-16 23:51:43
Hamburg HaikuMichael J. CluffThis one is fine, Mike! Terrific in it's form and perfect in its meter. I've browsed your latest entries and they all of the same form 'haikus'. The scene is funny for I can relate the event especially when I was still in the province where my parents are raising hogs and cattles in the farm. I experienced trilling myself once when the animals are jumping and running like in a race. Oh, how I love to go on vacation in our province in Agusan. I miss the scene where the animals are running after and away from me when I drove them away. I appreciate this very much, thank your for sharing. Jordan2003-09-09 05:13:23
Looking BackThomas Edward WrightThis brief poem runs through the end like a a water flowing from a certain start and ends at a certain point. It serves to remember the dark experience in the past that the speaker won't no longer look back as he is now freed. It seems that the freedom he gets is caused by that dear woman who the speaker is longing. The presentation is effective as it let me feel the emotions of the speaker and goog that the ending, "and why the voices of you might be, a perfect song for a bum like me." -gives me a relief. The use of apostrophe to represent a letter like in 'way, 'til, etc. creates a poetic effect. The use of proper noun in this line "I dropped into SimpliCity" suggests orignality and it is a good point. The last four stanza catches my attension as they are made to rhyme such as night/light, be/me and this. It seems to enhance the idea of relief from the dark expeiences. I appreciate your artistry, Mark. Best regards, Jordan2003-09-09 03:37:41
Lies and VicesMark D. KilburnThe poem is very significant to all of us for it gives awareness and teaches us to live in simple way without indulging into these vices and lies. The practicality of the ideas are very remarkable. I made me remember my childhood days that my parents were always counselling me and teaching the right virtues and attitudes in life. The future is very elusive that is why we need to have good attitudes struggle and triumph in the end. The poem is reinforced by the use of rhymes in every two lines and they perfectly runs till the end. The idea of selling a nickel-bag is essentially apt here: "I sold my first nickel-bag back in Sunday school". It's a good way of starting the thoughts of vices and lies begginning in small things of during the childhood days then going to the older days. The idea is practically true especially here: the money was good but bad money can’t last 'cause money made easy is money spent fast. Money is a means to a better living but it is spent in bad ways then it could be the source of ruin in our lives. The use of proper noun here "Uncle Sam" -Uncle Sam pushes cigars, chew and cigarettes, - suggests origninality. And it is a good point. I like the use of imerative here: "Fight for right and what you believe, don’t tell me what to smoke, a war on drugs is a war on pot, now that’s a shameful little joke." - because it invites the readers to participate on the idea. It creates an impact. You use some of nice assonance like "government’s got some gall" -the sound of 'g' is nice. Just a little comment on this line: Alcohol’s made our roads unsafe and made good homes go bad, -i think the apostrophy is not necessary. Mark, you made it all. It takes wisdom to come up with this great poem. Everyone should consider this as a guide to better living. Thanks. Jordan2003-09-09 02:49:33
EpitaphKen DauthThis is a very great literary piece commemorating a deceased person. A quite serious but a significant piece inviting the readers to meditate deeply. This is a good point because it makes the readers participate to the emotions it convey. The entrance line "Lay me to rest at the end of year" is very participating and this gives a good impact to your readers. The second stanza is enhanced by apt imagery "the place where the sun does not see A good distance from the highway A place difficult to visit where no one to shed the tears". This is very intriguing. A very sorrowful yet if you meditate deeply it would create mercy to the one who speaks it. "a wrangled old tree waiting for the thaw"-a very strong description. The soudnof w in "wrangled/waiting/thraw" creates a good point. Likewise the sound of "d" cloudy/day. This suggests creativity. A little comment on this line: Days that are less then cool when they touch - think "then" should be "than". Well, you might did it intentionally for poetic purpose! Also in this line "Evenings that arrive too soon and mornings". I would prefer entering the words "and mornings" to the next line (or fourth line). Finally, this one is very poignant and the ideas run flow from the start and creates a perfect ending "Acknowledgement to those that wanted more A simple faith for what is to come". Ken, I hope i put a significant input in this one. A great poem. All my best, Jordan.2003-09-08 06:02:54
The Lethal LetterErzahl Leo M. EspinoHi Erzahl. I am excited to critique this poem as this is my first time to give input to your poetry. I am also afraid because I believe that you have a good talent in poetry and I might make a wrong perception, meaning or whatever in this! Anyway, i'll give it a try. At first glance of the title, i was surrounded with fear, tension and suspense as it denotes tragedy. This gives me the curiosity to go on explore the contents. By the way, the sound of "L" in the title seems to compensate the tragic sensation it brings and it is a good point. After reading the poem, I was somehow relieved with the fear I sense as this is a contemplation of the unforgettable tragic event that stirred the whole world, the fall of the world trade center. This is a very significant piece because it serves to bring back in us the awareness of the desctruction and that it invites one to promote peace and unity in the world. The use of a letter form gives a special reinforcement and of course it signifies originality. The metaphor here "To ride our death vehicles" is very apt. And once again, it enhances the imagery of the piece that somehow decreases the idea of tragedy. Your poem ends perfectly "For in God’s hourglass Justice will serve us". I like the use of hourglass. It denotes that sooner or later we can achieve justice though we could not tell when God's time (hourglass) will come. This is really a great poem, Erzahl. Your previous poems that I read are all about happiness, joy, and recreation. But this poem makes me believe that you also have a great talent in making tragic theme in poetry. Best Regards, Jordan2003-09-08 05:32:01
The Law of MercyDarlene A MooreIn my first reading of the poem, i feel the greatness it presents. My thought immediately shifts to the image of religious countenance. And indeed, it is a wonderful creation based on the Bible. The title itself is strong in enticing the reader especially those whose priority in life is to gain wisdom. And of course, this is a wisdomful piece. It takes a wise man to create this kind of piece. I know i can hardly make such of this kind because i am but a young in mind and inexperience of life. Well, my parents are. And I can think of my parents when these things are being the topic. This line is very strong in emphasis: "I tried to buy the substance of life with borrowed bits of tarnished silver." It can make the reader ponder. How deep and serious but reinforced by a perfect imagery. The use of assonance in this line, "the depths of my cubic cell" brings a an impact. Also in the 'b' sound of this line, "I starve on moldy bread and brackish water." The poem is also reinforced by a thrilling effect especially in this line, "The clatter of footsteps approaches through the cell block.". The entrance of the piece depicts the imagery of painful life, the sufferings, and a good technique is created as the last lines show relief. Truly, the reality of life is at large in this great piece of work. U should be full of wisdom, Darlene! Best regards, Jordan.2003-08-26 02:43:12
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