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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Jennifer j Hill	Critique Date
Point of Reference	Thomas H. Smihula	Hi Tom. Good to see another of yours on my list. I so enjoyed "Strapped". Well, this is another thought provoking poem. And I love that. This poem actually works on more than one level. The "Point of Reference" you refer to I believe is our Creator. In todays world, it is hard to find our way through the maze of what is going on around us. We enter the maze reflecting on what we think is right, we turn to His light to find our way. If we think of it from wordly views we can not find our way. It is only through faith that we are able to find our way. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil. For thine art with me. We let him lead us through the maze by His Word and by His spirit. The stucture of this poem is very pleasing to the eye. The tricets are pleasant to look at and the rhymes are not forced at all. Knowing no fear Not shedding a tear unable to find a bearing That is my favorite stanza because we have to walk with Him in faith to win the race. The ending is good too: Facing reality Enter totality here is the way... Through this Maze Thanks for stimulating the old grey cells, Tom I enjoyed this one lots. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-09 22:56:30
After the Storm	Joanne M Uppendahl	Well Hello again, Joanne. I glad I noticed this because I definately want to comment on your changes. "After the Storm" is an even more apt title. I liked "Role Model" also, because it caused me meditate over the poem earlier today when I read it for the first time. It was intriguing to me. I had to find out why you named it "Role Model". The new title is a no-brainer. The first thing I notice about the revision is the flow. It rolls of the tounge delightfully and is pleasing to the ear when read aloud. You have wasted no words with this one. I believe you used Sandras' exercise didn't you? The one where we tried to skinny down our poems? It worked quite well with this particular poem! In stanza one you replaced "This afternoon" with Today and removed "her". Both good moves from the standpoint of flow. The change from past tense to present is nicely done. I do notice that stanza two says: "Spent flowers bent in mourning" I am wondering if you might even want to change to "Spent flowers {bend}in mourning". Just a thought. Removing "posture of" also helps the flow and gives it a nice clean crispness. Removing "and" in stanza three--good move for conserving words and again crisping up. The change in Stanza four: gleaning garden spider-nice touch-good "g" repetision Then taking "prudently" out and using "wisely begins to weave anew"--wow that brightens up the whole image! This just makes the ending so much more visually pleasing. You really dazzled us with this revision, Joanne. And your main theme is much clearer in the process. Nice job! Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-09 18:30:51
Role Model	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Joanne. This piece is quite thought provoking for this reader. I find the idea of learning from the examples nature gives us inspiring. Hence, nice title. The "Afternoon Rain" as a person, using leaves like kleenix is a thought that made me chuckle. She really lets loose, holding nothing back. Her fury is made known. A kind of spirit cleansing, if you will. The imagry here is excellent. I can see the rain coming down hard at an angle. You might even want to sharpen the image slightly in the first stanza just by starting out with the wording of Afternoon rain. Just a thought. In the second stanza the cycle of life comes through here very well. This fits in to the fall theme on the link lately. Again the imagry is wonderful with the spent flowers bent in mourning. The phrasing is exquisite. The personification of the flowers is profound. And what happens next is part of the cycle of life. The giving up of what has been--sometiems thats a hard one. Clinging to what has been is sometimes easier but not truly very comforting either. The letting go is hard but necesary if one is to move on. In the letting go comes a hope for tomorrow that can not be fully realized or appreciated with out the acceptence of the loss. The simple, clear wording of this in your third stanza is stunning. It brings this reader to a definate pinnacle of thinking. And last but not least, life goes on, if you will, as witnessed by the spider, who diligently starts mending his web in hopes of a new beginning. This is a life affirming poem and I think it represents a victory as well. Thank you much for sharing this lovely poem, Joanne. Blessings and know you have been in my prayers recently, Jennifer	2003-10-09 12:42:17
Haiku (Life a new)	Dan D Lavigne	Wow Dan, this is a labor of love. You have certainly touched my heart today. You've gone full circle with this piece and using the Haiku form here was quite a challege, I'm sure. You did stay true to the form through out. This is a very loving and seriously empathetic look at death that must have been very hard to write under the circumstances. There is new hope in this and the promise of new life tomorrow. Thank you for a very poignant piece. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-06 17:55:07
japanese verse 26 (Camel)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Erzahl, This Haiku is another absolutely beautiful piece from you. This is stunning. I see a picture of such an admirable creature. One that can not only survive in the barren desert, but also has carried many a wise man on his way through the barren desert. I love the double meaning of "Carrying the hills". Very nice job. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-06 17:44:30
Between the Wind and the Song of Calling Geese	Joanne M Uppendahl	Here I am like a bad penny. I really don't know how all your poems got bunched together on my list. But I have been having a Joanne feast lately!. lol. This is certainly last but not least in your list of poems this month. Nothing makes me happier than a poem that gives thanks to our Creator. First this title is really long, yet it communicates the exact thing you want it to. The first stanza says to me that you love your Creator and want to always be in His presence. That these simple pleasures remind you of all He has created and what it means to you. The second stanza is delightful the way you "feel the moon" like you feel the sun on a warm sunny afternoon. Very inovative way of thinking! "Remander frogs" is an interesting way to speak of the frogs that are still left yet when the air starts to chill and fall begins to be upon us. The image in stanza three makes my heart do a little dance. I love this kind of imagry. "I want to sit on the wooden bench by the tree which drops its leaves on my spent summer blooms-- a wine-red and gold altar cloth"---now this is just the lovliest of thoughts! And to end with giving your thanks make this a kind of poetic prayer. I am putting this one on my voting list. It is so uplifting and spiritual and that always is my favorite. Thanks so much for this one. It is the desert of my Joanne feast! Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-06 15:10:52
Splendor in the Pages of a Book	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, Now heres a poem you pass on to your grandaughter with a dictionary. Nothing like a family tradition! Little did you know how that one event would influence your life. The bond between a grandparent and grandchild is a beautiful thing. Grandparents can be such a special influence in a childs life. "Just a simple book selection, black in color, paper bound-- ample leaves for my reflection, graceful symbol of our bond. Grandpa’s gift to me that day -- a dictionary of my own -- began in an engaging way to furnish keys for gates unknown." It's obvious by this verse that you two did have a special bond. I especially enjoy the phrase "ample leaves for my reflection" "Its pages took me further than all domains I’d known before; they offered up far-reaching spans, and diverse meanings to explore. Origins of words we speak, hallowed tools with which we toil, varied Hebrew, Latin, Greek; each one born in different soil." Like bringing the world to your front door! Nowdays we use the internet for that more than I'd like to think. "Hallowed tool with which with toil" and it's a labor of love, you can tell. "Complexity of resonance, words connect from soul to soul. Written thoughts have permanence; terms can break or make one whole. With the simple gift he bought, he gave me much more than a book-- love of language can be caught, and this inoculation took!" And here you complete the thought by telling us just how special this relationship was and how he affected you for life in that one special gift. The thought that we can "catch" something good as well as bad stuff like virus and infections gives the reader a new hope! What a wonderful thought! I really enjoyed this one Joanne! Good presentation with the structure of 4 line per stanza and the A/B C/D rhyme scheme is is nicely done. Please never stop writing. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-06 12:36:15
Straight At It	Rick Barnes	Rick, good philosophy for living. Sometimes the events in our lives cause us to want to skirt an issue or ignore it and hope it goes away. But we know deep down that when we do that, we stick our heads in the sand. Because issues will still be there until we deal with them. And if you don't stand up for what you believe, well, life gets less pretty all the time. In honesty, I know someone who is having issues right now whom with I intend to share this poem. So thanks for giving me the opportunity to do so. Nice rhyming and doesn't get in the way of the message. I do look forward to having your poems on my list. They are always heartfelt messages and I love that. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-06 12:01:43
When Small Frogs Seem to Disappear	Joanne M Uppendahl	Oh Joanne , how cleaver to tie this one with with "When Trees in Fall Begin to Spill Their Colors" What a nice surprise. I didn't realize that is what you meant in your critique reply. This morning's splash of water has two meanings then. The splash of water color from Trees in Fall and the splash of water when you washed your face. Your frog must have hopped along for the ride from the trees to the towel. lol And too, the last word of Trees in Fall was green and now here we are with a gold-green tree frog on your towel. Then BLICK. I love that. This has a bounce to it. This is such a FUN piece as well as heartwarming. "As I dare to grasp his damp, wriggling body in my bare hand, he stabs a small insistent snout---nice alit and great attention getting phrase between my clasped fingers."---he want to be your pet since it's getting too chilly outside for him! and a nice warm bath is just what he would love! lol " Once outside, I settle him safely in tender undergrowth;----You obviously live in a place of much beauty. In other words NOT IN CITY! but thus freed he turns to me, poised as if to leap my way"--------This prooves even more he wants to be your pet or as s3 suggests maybe prince. "Perhaps he's a silent scout, sent to announce" Oh and I love where you are going with this. But of course! IT's fall! "Autumn's approach, the somber season --nice A aliteration followed by S alit when small frogs seem to disappear----and nice S repitition too with Autumn'S/somber/season/small/frogs/ at first signs of chill, and wait-----sign/spring/sing 'til time to wake in spring and sing."----this stanza istself sings! Nice ending rhyme with: "Though summer’s soon at its end, tree frogs will come to croon again."----this ending sticks in the readers mind The imagry again is wonderful and thats one of the things I love about your poetry. Especially your nature poetry. It puts the reader there in the situation. It is also easy to tell that you are in tune with nature. I think I'm turning into a groupy of yours. lol. Thanks for a wonderfully enjoyable read, Jennifer	2003-10-04 12:14:35
Sole Mates	Rick Barnes	Rick, Nice metaphor and I like the way this sentiment could actually apply to your wife, TPL, your actual boots or just about anything else you treasure and keep with you. Having bone spurs myself, I know that a good pair of boots that are all broken in just right and molded to the bumps and indents of your feet can feel like heaven and especially when you think about having to break in a new pair. Or break in a new husband...lol...oh my now theres a thought I want to get right out of my mind. lol The play on words in the title is cleaver. You use some great descriptional phrases here: "bent over ‘bout half way down."---sounds like someone talking to thier very old soul mate.lol "wild whirl variety of towns."----has a musical ring to it "Tracing the places, faces and spaces in between"--nice rhyming sequence. These plopped down right down the middle of the poem like this are always such refreshing surprise to this reader. The ending is strong too with such a heartfelt sentiment. I have no suggestions for this. It's perfect just the way it is. Thanks for an enjoyable read, Jennifer	2003-10-04 11:02:40
Sweet, Sweet Music	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, This piece is singing out to me in joy, just to be read aloud and HEARD! Oh girl, you got the sweet sweet music in you. As soon as I saw the title I knew I wanted to read this one aloud. And you evoke the sweet music of nature with this lovely poem. The really cool thing about this one is that it not only has the rhythm of music but is also astutely imformational. You remember when you told me poetry must bounce all over the page? Well you most definately live up to that here. Starting with your repititions of T in toe/tap/tune you draw the reader in with a bounce right from the getgo(is that a word? lol) I would have expected you to say "soothe the savage beast" but you surprise me here by using the word "rabid" and that works even better. Your toe/know/go rhymes are just the start of bouncing rhymes you have in the middle of these stanza that creates such wonderful rhythm. Again in s2 before/chores/shores and sing/ring/ping, you are bouncing my socks off! s3 has stone/tone/xylophone and s4 sound/found and plea/delivery/capacity. Girl you got it going on! And then at the end you bring all the glory right back to the creator and I so love that! You have captured my heart today and I hope you realize how serious I am. Thanks for giving me such pleasure to my morning. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-04 09:32:37
When Trees in Fall Begin to Spill Their Colors	Joanne M Uppendahl	Wow Joanne, what an exquisite thought. Trees spilling color forth like water out of a pitcher! And yes I know that spill can mean a solid substance running over. But that thought just won't leave my head! This is a title with nice imagry and a poem chock full of imagry. I can visualize the pond with feathery friends galore! nice aliteration of D with draws/dabbling/ducks I like the P sound too with rippling pond and the ing sounds with rippling/dabbling/calling/unwavering Stanza two makes me picture the sunlight reflecting off the beautiful pheasant tails. That is such a beautiful thought. I can see them scurrying to hide. Stanza four is absolutely delicious! "Wasps threaten sleek ruby-throated hummingbirds, undaunted on their quest for wet, sweet feasts." Sleek ruby-throated humming birds! How wonderful. quest for wet sweet feasts----I love that. Nice ending too with the visual of the green. Now this is a Fall poem to copy off and read over and over. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-03 16:35:58
japanese verse 25 (Dawn)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl! This is another of your Haiku's where every word you use has so much power and promise. You are the master-it's no contest. This is Imagry at it's best! I can see the sun as the mouth of our Creator, pouring out the delight of His heart on us, and of course, lovingly smiling down on us. On another level I also see God's patience in the sunrise. As the first signs of light shine I am reminded of His words from the bible: "For God , who said "Let light shine out of darkness", made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of knowlege of the Glory of God in the face of Christ. 2 Corinthians 4: 6 Thanks for sharing this, Jennifer	2003-10-03 14:25:35
Brushed By Death	Debbie Spicer	Debbie, I heard about your brush with neardeath and you were in my thoughts and prayers as well as everyone on the link. I was touched by the amount of concern others here had. You are loved! You've have written a beautiful piece here about the experience. I really like the metaphoric reference to the tapestry of your life. Nice touch! (Actually I wrote a poem called Tapestry.) Excellent title and very well thought out body. Ironicly, There is a richness to this that resonates your love of life. This structure lends itself well to this type of poem and I think it flows well. I especially love your intro stanza and the way you unfold the tapestry. I'm glad that you're better and hope to read more of your poetry soon. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-02 18:36:37
The Passing	Judy A Badger	Judy, to begin with I want to extend my sincere condolences on your loss. It is in the memories that we find peace and come to accpetence of Gods will. I wish you many heartwarming memories to keep you insulated from the coldness of your loss. This is a very personal piece and says some very important truths. Right off the bat that grabs my heart and wrenches it. I am guessing this is about your Mother and since I lost my Mom 6 years ago, this poem puts me in the thick of it very quickly. Even though we know that it is Gods will and that our loved one is with Him now in paradise, it is still hard to not be able to experience the day to day sharing of love. Only a mother can soothe our hurts, build us up, or correct us when we are wrong. But you're right. It will be a joyous reunion. Therein lies the miracle. So true! The cycle of life has amazing highes and lows doesn't it? I seem to remember critiquing another of your poems called "Grand" about your grandchild, that was exquisite. Many blessings to you, Jennifer	2003-10-02 17:29:34
God is in His Glory	Claire H. Currier	What a soul replenishing piece , Claire! I'm so glad this one came up on my list, because I haven't been very attentive this month. I might have missed it and that would be a shame since it is lovely. The Glory of God is probably the greatest subject to write about I can think of. It creates very visual pieces like this one. And this has an added auditory quality that is heavenly in the most literal sense. You do a great job of putting the reader there! "The breath of life you feel Will consume your soul"------------so true "Now as the sun rises in the East Angels descend to the West Bringing forth the harmony we hear And each little voice Joins the chorus Singing Praise and Glory to God"------------I can hear them! I love this part! "As the story is told Whether early morning light Or evening dusk As the angels begin to play The Lord smiles down upon those gathered Here in the woods of Tully On this exceptionally fine day"-----------Great climax and nice ending! Superbly done. This is one I have copied off so Ican expeience it as often as I can't get out for the real thing. Thanks for sharing. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-02 15:54:43
So Nice	Judy A Badger	Judy, speaking of so nice, it is so refreshing to read this uplifting message. It is exactly what I needed today as I am feeling a little down and this is a nice change from all the depressing poems I have been reading lately. I notice you have the same last name as Erica , whom I just critiqued and I am wondering what or if there is a relationship there? This almost seems like an answer to her poem "Complications of Life" in the first stanza. But not really because it sounds like you are talking to your husband. The title tells exactly what is here and I like that in a title. Right away I want to read and know what is so nice. I am an organization nut and I love this tightly structured form. Your rhyme scheme is eloquent. I think you could get rid of the punctuation and it would flow better, but even as is would be fine. The last stanza is especially nice for this reader as it speaks from the loving heart of someone who has spent a life time together. Nice. "Heart song speaks through loving eyes." I like that! Thank you for sharing and I hope to see more of your work. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-01 17:54:42
The Complications of Life	Erica L. Badger	It is a rude awakening isn't it. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Growing up is hard. It is even harder for you then it was for me because the world has changed so much over the years. Sometimes I so wish we could go back about 50 years ago to a simpler time when it seemed easier to tell right from wrong. There was not the crazy yammering and arguing that goes on now. It was just common sense stuff back then. People were polite to others. There was no such thing as road rage.... Sorry I kind of got carried away for a sec. I like your lament about growing up and maturing. I know what you mean. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to stay a child. Although anymore even that is way more complicated then it used to be. Being an adult is very confusing even for us older olders. The world is changing at a tremendous rate. I do alot of praying that your generation will be able to find some semblence of truth and goodness in this world today. Thanks for sharing this piece. The B/D rhyme scheme doesn't seem forced at all. Your meter is not even but it doesn't really seem to take anything away from the poem. You did a nice job with this. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-01 17:25:28
Life at "Bottoms Up Lounge"	Terrye Godown	Terrye, You crack me up! Likening a bar to a church. Not that far off base actually, since people who drink and carouse on a regular basis are worshiping this stronghold like it is a God. How insightful of you. This is chock full of cleaver little phrases that show how superficial it is to Work at the art, subdue the soul To be legends in synthetic "D" cups. lol Little rabbit trail here---one question, Columbia where? Just asking because I live in Kansas City area and my daughter used to live in Columbia, Mo. Anyway, This is a fun tounge in cheek kind of poem. I'm afraid the beginning line catches me up with the 's on Bottoms up. I don't know why , it just makes me stumble right out of the gate. I think I would lose the 's and it will flow better. My personal favorite is: "No grocery store flowers or “Russell Stover” for these sleek lipo’d thighs and “cups running over”" Nice ending too. Good job Terrye! Thanks for the entertainment, Jennifer	2003-09-29 15:42:14
A Glorious Day	Callie Cothren	Callie, I like the way this is A day in the life of a sun. Very nice. From sunup to sundown this poem is full of imagry. You start with the sun shining through the trees at the beginning of the day. I like the way the sun "BEAMS" its light through the trees. I can picture that it is late autumn. "an earth still damp with dew" sounds like the light is glistening on the dew drenched earth. The idea of watching the stars fade from the sky is very appealing. Also the idea that the sun chases away shadows gives it human characteristics. I can feel the warm breeze on my face. I can see the sun like a little sail boat with this little sail made of clouds helping it to fly.lol and the sunset of course. I love sunsets the best. I have a jillion pictures of sunsets. Thanks for this lovely piece that kept my interest to the end. I have no suggestions for improvment. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-28 22:37:39
Grand	Judy A Badger	Judy, You have the true heart of a Grandmother. Bless you for writting this piece. It speaks to my heart! Perfect title. Gosh I wish I would have thought of this poem idea myself . lol I can visualize her with your great imagry handing you the half crumpled daisy with her sticky little hand. Such a nice tribute. You have immortalized her and the daisy forever with this wonderfully fun poem. Makes me want to give my own grandaughter a big hug and touch my cheek to her soft neck and smell her very own scent. In stanza 3 I love the way she makes your heart do a tap dance. Very clever line! a few of my favorite phrases are : "glistening dewdrops Of newly formed speech," "dog eared daisy" "My heart skips and tumbles And tap dances in my chest." Good work, Judy! Thanks for submitting this one. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-28 22:14:24
Strapped	Thomas H. Smihula	Tom, How dare you read my diary and write a poem about it! :) jk Wow Tom, this has alot to like. First the Title is fitting and draws me in right way. The stucture is very appealing to the eye and well thought out. The imagry helps me to feel what you are going through. The sea jargon is very fitting and adds a nice touch. In the 1st stanza you carry on the alliteration of "s" making the sound of wind in my mind with your words. very nice touch. And you carry on that "s" sound allit. all through out the entire poem. I like the phrases you picked like "yonder yardarm", "lips tipped with thoughts of salt"--that is espeicailly nice, "I clinch the fist of thunder", "engulfed by swirling waters", "fathoming the sea", "nesting sanctuary" Thanks for sharing such an outstanding poem. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-23 15:50:58
The SWAG Method	Andrea M. Taylor	Bless you, Andrea. And thank you. SWAG method indeed! Thats ingenious and so is this poem. Does it depend on the sake of the urge?---This is such a perfectly crafted question. Damn Hilter’s desire for the perfect race, But, abortion can give it dignity and grace---what an amazing insight that is. Makes the reader ponder the idea of the abused becoming the abuser. An educated mind draws this conclusion, So what of faith makes the confusion?-----another thought inspiring question. We all suffer the loss of one tiny voice----It's not politics or religion that dictates WHEN it becomes a baby. But science has proven it's at conception that life begins. Thanks for this well thought out poem. I applaud your honesty and courage to tackle this subject with such clarity. The six line stanza's with A/B, C/D, E/F rhyme scheme reads nicely and your rhymes do not seem forced at all. Your meter could be evened up very easily and even though it is slightly off this flows well. One suggestion I do have is to change the first line to read "one {and} the same" Also the first line of the last stanza reads a little rough. I'd omit the 1st "it" so it reads: "Why is when it begins that is suspected?". That seems much smoother. These two minute problems easily disapear in this noble sea of reason. Thanks for defending life. Jennifer	2003-09-16 19:46:08
Right to Life	Rachel F. Spinoza	Ok, heres my platitude for the day--Any of these babies could be the next Helen of Troy or Cleopatra, unless of course abortion has it's way with them. This poem paints a bleak picture of a heartbreaking problem. As a pediatric nurse I have seen my fair share of adopted crack babies and pregnant teens. I also have a freind who was raped, kept and raised her baby. It's a brave choice to give life to a baby you know will have problems. I have seen enough of these babies to be able to say that when you stand and face trials head on, the rewards are many and each new life brings promise and blessings. I could tell you stories that would curl your hair about babies that were thrown into the creek unwanted while their mothers were suffering from post partum depression. I could go on and on, but I won't. I think your poem is needlessly judgmental. If you realy want to make a point, then take out the part about prolifers and change the name to something more fitting.	2003-09-14 01:05:24
Untitled	Claire H. Currier	So good to see you submitting, Claire! I like this Haiku alot. You have the 5-7-5 format down perfect. This tells us we don't have to be ugly even though we're old. What a nice thought! I can't thank you enough for that. lol This is a reassuring message. I especially like the love , peace and joy part. This is an excellent first effort. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-14 00:01:49
Graced	Andrea M. Taylor	Dear Andrea, so good to have you back. I think we can rest assured that you will be getting plenty of critiques from your fellow poets on TPL. Graced is a good tittle for this offering of thanks. I am a little confused at the 2nd line. It is saying the choir's voices heard? I's possible I am misinterpreting that line. If I understand what you are trying to say I think I must advise you to change that line. I think you are trying to convey that the song is healing the congregation. Is that right? Also "the" is not a very powerful word and I would try to avoid using it in this type of poem. This type of poetry calls for every word to hold much power since there are so few words. Therefore I would say something like "Healing words float down" and kind of go on from there. I don't know if that helps at all. Welcome back! Jennifer	2003-09-09 10:00:52
Symphony	Debbie L Fischer	Debbie, this is whole reason I love poetry. To me there is nothing more refreshing to my spirit than poetry that brings my senses into play. As I read your poem I imagine driving down a country road and I can hear the Mozart playing and smell the mingled aroma's of the freshly cut hay and honeysucle. I can picture the fireflys in my minds eye and it gives me a peaceful free feeling. Now that is my kind of poetry. This is the symphony of the senses. I will want to keep a copy of this one to read when I'm feeling stressed and want to relax. You could even throw in a line about holding your hand out the window to feel the summer night air as you drive. lol. OF course you don't really need to change a thing. It's lovely as is. The structure is pleasing to the eye and flows smoothly when read aloud. Thanks for posting this delightful piece. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-04 21:13:40
japanese verse 23 (Tide)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Wow Erzahl, you've done it again. Such perfect wording of this one! Crescent is a great synonym for the moon. I especially like the effect it has on the wording of this piece. It never ceases to amaze me how something that far away from earth can can do exactly what your poem says--calm the sea and softly comb the surface. This poem is a wonderful tribute to a powerful subject. Since I love to sail, this is an interest of mine--the tides. It is facinating as is your Haiku. I like the way you cap the first word in every line. It adds power to your words. Some others don't use that technique and it seems to water down their efforts. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-03 09:41:41
japanese verse 21 (Prayer)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl, Prayer is exactly this: "Two palms together Touching the heart of Heaven For manna to fall" what a wonderful Haiku! The imagry is great. I'm not surprised, you are the expert on Haiku! This is so great because prayer isn't just putting your palms together and talking to God. To touch Gods heart is something. HE loves his children and if you pray within his will great things will can happen. That is the message I get from this. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-01 22:46:02
My Alter World	Traci L DeGraffenreid	Can I come too? This sounds like my kind of place. If theres anything I've learned in life it's that we all have our crosses to bear. I like what you have done with this, Traci. "My Alter World " --nice name Your rhyme scheme, structure and meter are good. You don't mince words and you don't waste words. This is very cleaver and I look forward to reading more of your work. Thanks for the read, Jennifer	2003-09-01 22:25:19
Doppler Effect	Joan M Whiteman	This is one of the best peoms about broke relationships I have ever read. I am there with you and feel the thrill of your love, the sting of your pain and the depths of your sorrow. Of course I'm sure everyone has told you how unique and perfect the title is. The way you coin a phrase just makes me hold my breath to read it. Example: "She held her breath as the breeze sighed by, gently rouging her cheek." Reading the ending I can hear the doppler effect of the trains whistle. No suggestions for change. this one's on my voting list. Thanks, Jennifer	2003-09-01 14:54:32
Love's Equated Opposites	Cindy D. Clayton	Cindy, this oh so nice and I woud not change a thing. Perfect title for a perfectly profound piece. I like your words and phrases alot: Vicelike, furociousness. These speak volumes to me. Dual enlightenment in Life and Love. Live segregated in unison. Yes, so true. On this rainy Holiday weekend , it makes for the perfect pondering inspiration. Nice ending too. Thanks for sharing this. Jennifer	2003-09-01 14:04:26
PEACE AND SO MUCH MORE	George L White	Wow, George, this poem makes my mind race with possibilites just reading it. You say alot here about all the things that most of us just take for granted. I can tell you are a reflecting kind of person. The truth is sometimes life does make your head ache, but it does so much more than that and to me thats what you are saying here. We all need to stop and listen to the earths music, the music of life. And we all will someday and we will have peace and so much more. These pleasing five lined stanzas are filled with visually pleasing words and phrases. This first stanza makes me think of my conscience. I love the part about her "patent leather shoes". The description of her brought a chuckle from me. (I think paten is a typo) "What do you mean you are so lonely and alone? Do you not see the busload of people in your head? The girl that sits in front, her paten leather shoes, Stomping now and then, in case you didn’t notice, Her crossed and rigid arms, below her frowned down face." The thought of bubbles making music is so pleasant! And I can hear it in my head. More pleasing description: "What do you mean you can’t stop talking in your head? Do you not hear the sound of flowing river bends? The music bubbles make, while clinging to the stones, Bobbing up and down, rocking as they go, Popping now and then, in syncopated time." Sometimes we can get so caught up in a mindset like stanza three. Thats what earthly thoughts just do to us. Isn't it? I like the line: "Remembering the passed, as if it were in stone,". Perfect reflection of what we do. Stanza four is the beginning of a profound statement that ends in the fifth stanza. You wield some powerfull thoughts here and I really enjoy this poem alot. I take your meaning and sit quiet in thought about the point you are making. I think you have given us so much to think about I am really glad you used punctuation to make us pause and ponder these words. In this case it works well to emphasize your message. Thanks for the read. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-01 12:59:11
Upheavals	carole j mennie	I like the way you think Carole. This peice gives me a warm fuzzy without being sappy. It reminds me of my own Mother and how even though she has been gone 6 years now, I still connect with her in some very wonderful ways and when It happens I always look to the heavens and talk as though she can hear me. There are many things I wish I would have said and done with my Mom in moments that are lost now. But her memory lives on in my life and especially when I find myself saying something she would have said or remembering how she dealt with situations. The name "Upheavals" is perfect for this reflection/ode. You have written an ode in a unique perspective about how your mother showed how proud she was of you. It is delightful without ever using flowery words. The free verse structure lends itself perfectly to this type of poem. "I found my fossils on display, a Paleozoic parade across my mother's glass coffee table." I like the prasing of this line and the ending is especially nice: "Mother always had a knack for plucking pearls out of any old oyster." Thanks for sharing and making me remember my own mother. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-09-01 11:25:27
Each Morning I Begin Again	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne,I lost my critique as soon as I was done so I'll start over. Have you ever done that? First, I like the name you have chosen for this piece. It reminds us of the importance of our morning ritual in our lives. I know if I run out of creamer and forget to get more, it interferes extensively in the enjoyment of my coffee! In fact once I tried to give up caffeine and I went to work with 2 different white tennis shoes on and didn't notice till lunchtime, when I looked down at my feet and I just burst out laughing. After that I knew I could never give up my coffee. I borrowed your idea for this critique and made a copy of "What A Morning Shower Brings", but I kind of wish I hadn't because the original is just so fantastic. Looking at the original I don't see how you could improve on this poem by taking away words since its wording is extraordinary. But here goes: You have wasted no words here. Every word here is vital to the piece. There is a repeating of alliteration of "s" all the way through that gives it a nice feel when read aloud. In the first stanza I can actually smell the waves of coffee aroma as I read. Removing the word satisfying doesn't make it any less gratifying or take away from the alliteration like you might think it would. You really tightened up the 2nd stanza and it flows nicely. I don't know why, but I keep thinking affirm in s3 needs an "s" for "shower affirms", even though I know it should be "minutes affirm". That ending brings to mind a celebration of sunrise in a fountain/shower! It's quite lovely. All in all I'd say that you have written two completely different poems here. The original has a little more imagry and pleasing wording like "satisfying sleep", "delicious mysteries", "imaginations misted realms", "stinging shower streams". The revision is more succinct. You have added a nice touch with the quote from Longfellow. This was a fun exercise, wasn't it? Blessings, Jennifer	2003-08-27 22:50:15
Chameleon	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	What a viually pleasant piece this is , Erzahl! I love the splashes of color you paint the paper with in the first stanza. I think what you are saying here is that we are all chameleons in our own way. We are all so different , yet blend together. Some trying to just look like everyone else so we won't stand out in the crowd. Others pretending to be something they are not for their own gain. This speaks volumes to me in so few words. And the visuals I get are absolutely beautiful. This poem sparkles like a diamond. Thanks for sharing it. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-08-24 11:56:40
Lost	Cindy D. Clayton	Wow Cindy, I think this is the first time I have critiqued a poem of yours and I must say this is so very well done. This is a beautiful plea for forgiveness and restoration. "Lost" -- this title works well and is suported nicely by your words The metaphor of the desert is a good one. You paint quite a picture of a person who is dying in the flesh. I know how this feels from experience and I must say so do you because you are very convincing with phrases about dryness of flesh, craked lips, parched tounge. Sometimes you have to fall far or sink low to be able to remember what you have lost and this is what your poems says to me. Sometimes you can be led so far before you reailize what happened. That is Satans way of winning. Then You remember the song that was in your heart. His song and how wonderfully it blessed you. Hence your beautiful plea: "God, send your rain to fill my river. Reveal to my ears the sweetness of your song, And restore to my eyes the beauty of your Son" Poet you have done a great job here. I wish even one person reads this poems and recognizes themselves in it and decides to make their own plea! That would be a wonderful thing. I think that it is the kind of poem that might inspire someone to repent. And that is the highest praise I feel I could give. As far as your form and structure goes this free style is great for the message of your poem and I would not change that at all. You've done an excellent job Cindy. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-08-24 11:05:01
Untitled Haiku Revised	Barbara Ascolese	So beautiful, Barbara! These few powerpacked words blow right through my mind caressing my senses like a sweet fresh breeze after a spring shower. This is true Haiku form and without a doubt fills all requirements of a Haiku. The thought of the whispering winds being natures breath is just fantastic. I did not read the first version of this, but I must say you have done more with so few words then I could have even thought possible. Thanks for submitting this one. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-08-22 10:18:51
I Forgot Where I Put It	Nancy L. Dymond	Hi Nancy. This is the first poem of yours I have critiqued, and I enjoyed reading it. You definately capture exactly where I am in the aging process quite nicely. I hope that doesn't insult you in any way. lol. jk. The first stanza reminds me how I feel about snacks sometimes, having three sons at home right now-ages 25, 21, 17. Hide it or lose it. lol Then when you say precious in the 3nd stanza it kind of reminds me of Golum(sp) in the Lord of the Ring books. lol. The forth stanza reminds me of how I spend most of my days while looking for something I lost. jk But the ending just plain says it all. This is so funny yet true! I love it. The four line stanzas give us presentation of this little mystery, and I do mean mystery since we never do find out what it is. The suspense and urgency build with each new stanza, pulling us forward to find out what and where. Which is why the end is so "real". lol. Because in life, nothing is really ever as it seems on first impression. The B/D rhyme scheme is nice for the flow of this creative piece. Thanks for sharing this delightful poem! Blessings, Jennifer	2003-08-22 10:10:35
MAN'S BEST FRIEND	Mark D. Kilburn	Mark, theres no better way to pay tribute to your most loyal friend then this warm loving poem. He sticks by your side in thick and thin. Mosts humans won't do that. Dogs are never fickle. They love you always. You can tell by your words that you love your pet alot and are close with him. The rhyme and meter of this poem are nice lending an even quality to the flow. The eight line stanzas are a refreshing change. Thanks for sharing your heartfelt sentiments in this tribute. I look forward to reading more from you. Blessings Jennifer	2003-08-21 09:49:49
japanese verse 22 (Water Lilies)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Oh my Erzahl, when I read this Haiku I feel as though I am sitting with legs dangling between the rustic slats of the mossy little bridge overlooking the pond in Claude Monet's garden. There I can see the water lillies by the light of the moon and hear the frogs and feel at peace and one with nature. Thanks of the serene moment of contemplation. This has all the elements of traditional Haiku and is so lovely! The power of so few words always amazes me! Blessings , Jennifer	2003-08-21 09:23:22
Waiting in the Cradle	Rachel F. Spinoza	Short but sweet, Rachel. I always say, why use alot of extra words if you don't have to, And you have wasted none. I like the name of this one. "Waiting In The Cradle" says plenty right there. I love the touching way you introduce Amanda as a newborn-"tender in her skin". That is lovely. When you look at that sweet soft baby you are reminded that she has her whole life ahead of her and you know, right there in that one preceous moment, that she has the ability to be "SOMEONE", to do something great with her life. New life is so promising and so inspiring. The structure of this poem makes it flow well and I like the no-punctuation stance for the same reason. Rhyming would only mess this up. Nice poem, Jennifer	2003-08-19 15:36:07
Home Town	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, This is a great tribute to a young Hero. I feel you must have known this young man. I feel the world has lost something preceous here. This is a good descriptive piece that starts out at his home. Your description tells us alot. Home is where the heart is and in this home everyone knows and cares for all. Home equals shelter from the evils of outside world, Where dreams are made. He goes off to war, believing in a cause and has his dreams shattered The wording of this stanza makes my eyes sting as I think about the innocence of the blood spilled and how he must have felt to have his idea of what the world should be broken to bits: "As colors of paste pooled into crimson, eyes closed he thought of home, proud of its vigor in a watercolor world where no war or squall abounds" And he thinks again of where he grew up, the people he will never again see on earth. I would be bawling by now if I didn't have faith that he did go home... Home to his heavenly Father... Away from Hell.... Away from War.....Home. Thanks for the reminder to pray for our troops. Blessings, Jennfier	2003-08-19 15:15:59
Mistress of Briar	Terrye Godown	Terrye, thanks for adding the informational note as the knowledge it imparts adds to the romance and mystery of the reading. There is a surreal flavor here that is very appealing. You have a gift that is evidenced not only by your beautiful phrasing: "As we sit in candlelight she lures him Blushing in her smooth burnished skin His amber eyes attempting to capture But her reflection flickers within " but also in the masterful way you weave this yarn, drawing the reader in and holding me there to the end. The way you present a kind of comparison/competition of your love verses the love of his "habit" is pure genius. My ex used to smoke a pipe and I always thought the cherry flavored smoke and distinguished dimension it added to his personality were compelling. The ending is superb : "Become his destination ~ whenever he escapes" The format and structure you use are perfect for this tale and help to draw the reader in. In the second stanza you wrote "But soon apon the slightest mention,". Is "apon" a typo? Did you mean "upon"? Thank you for sharing this delightful work. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-08-18 12:15:30
Sunday in Central Park	carole j mennie	What a unique piece! This poem made me laugh out loud at the thought of how I would react. Probably stand there with my mouth gaping, no doubt. lol I like the structure of this poem, the way you start with the 3 line stanza that just bravely blurts out the subject, then change to an 8 line stanza explaining the effect it had on you and building up to a 2/3 line stanza that brings us to reality and then BOOM you hit us with the real message. The innocence of children is such a beautiful sight to behold, isn't it? Well done poet. Don't change a thing, Jennifer	2003-08-17 22:12:18
At last Sunrise	Ken Dauth	Ken, that is so cool! Perfect form that adds to the beauty of this piece! This is creativity at it's best. From sunrise to sunset your words are measured and powerpacked. I have always been one to go for the least amount of words as possible and this one proves my point that it makes your words hang in the air with meaning when done right. The natural breaks are perfect also. Brava for a work well done. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-08-17 21:51:10
Autumn (haiku)	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn! I always look forward to having one of your poems on my critique list. There is a "from the heart" quality to your work that is always satisfying to me. This Haiku is no exception. "autumn harvest moon echoing last sunshine beam radiates fervor" You evoke such warm satisfying feelings of Autumn. It says so much in so few words. I know that is what a Haiku is supposed to do, and you have done it with flare. All the technical elements of Haiku are here. The 5-7-5 syllable count,you describe a season, evoke feeling. Yep you have it all. I've looked at Haiku's here and on other forums and notice that some have capped first words in each line and some are lower case. This is the only suggestion I have- You might look at capping and see what you think. I feel it adds a kind of Magesticness(is that a word? lol) to the Haiku when capped. Does that make any sense? Not that it's any big deal , but just a thought. I certainly enjoy reading and contemplating this piece. Blessings to you, Jennifer	2003-08-17 17:44:49
My Hero and Star	Susan J. Certo	Hi Susan!. Welcome to the forum. IT's always nice to see new faces. This poem of yours speaks of love and freindship in a nostalgic sort of way. Nothing is more dear to the heart than one of loves first flames, and you have captured that feeling here so nicely. This is such a great stanza: "And many's the spear You've removed from my heart While drying my tears With the love you'd impart" very beautifully stated. I love that. Something I would advise is to devide this lovely ode to your hero up into 4 line stanzas. It will be much easier on the eyes to read, and will flow nicely. I realize the 6th stanza would only have 3 lines but you could split it like this: "And how can I ever thank you enough For the light that you've been When life was so tough?" or try comming up with a little something to go with it. I don't think it would be hard to make this poem shine with very little more polishing, as you have done some really excellent work here. I am looking forward to reading more of your jewels. Thanks for sharing, Jennifer	2003-08-17 17:10:37
Let Us Protect You	C Arrownut	Hello and I must say I can relate to the message of this poem. The dust police are comming to take you away, haha. It does always seem like I can never quite keep up with the rate at which dust seems to pile up. Sweeping everthing into the closet is another of my bad habits as well. Then later(6monthslol) I come back to clean it out and find all kinds of junk I never needed in the first place. And the way they are adding more and more gadgets to new cars to keep pollution to a minimum is definately heightening awareness to the problem of pollution. Yes, Poet, this is an interesting concept and the stucture of this poem is inspiring in the way you use free verse to make your point. There is one thing though. I am not a Holier then thou person and feel that sometimes a strong word can heighten the effect of a poem and strengthen the message, but in this particilar poem I do not feel like the stong language used helps in any way. I would lose the expletives and that will make it a much better recieved poem. Overall , I like what you have done and look forward to reading more of your work. Take care and watch out for those dust police, Jennifer	2003-08-15 10:01:19
Wings	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, this title is quite simple and lovely. Thank heaven God does give us wings by giving us His strength and peace to carry on when we ourselves are drowning in the flood. This Prayer of yours is a very touching plea for His strength and comfort. Your words humbly state your request (and beautifully worded I might add). Sometimes Gods will doesn't relect our will and that can be such a humbling experieince. But He will never leave us hanging there without Love. He is with us always and hears our pleas and I thank Him for that everyday! I hope you find His strength and peace today. Thanks for sharing this well done free verse on the forum. Blessings to you as you have blessed all of us with this piece. Jennifer	2003-08-13 12:55:35
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