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Displaying Critiques 51 to 100 out of 142 Total Critiques.
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Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by Ellen K LewisCritique Date
Hard To Believe Ain't It?Kenneth R. PattonLOL thanks for the smile this morning! I see that even when you write lightly, you can pack a punch. I enjoyed reading this, even though it doesn't count as a Christmas card! LOL ..There's nothing there to 'fix' now is there? I'm thinking that maybe you should search for a New Year's poem now. Or....Valentines day isn't too far off-I bet you have dozens of those! I always enjoy your writings, Kenneth. I like the subjects you choose for one thing. Your titles are always good and pull me in. I guess that's how I got to be a fan of yours. There's lots of good writings that I miss, I'm sure, but maybe the title just didn't 'do anything' for me and so I've skipped it. Not so with you, my friend. Your titles are usually intriging. And a merry Christmas to you too! Ellen2006-12-22 12:11:08
Oh, But He Ticked Me Off!James C. HorakAh, great venting, if nothing else. I love your title! It caught me off guard, and so I skipped down the list to read this. Those titles mean that much to me! Anyhow, I have felt similarily toward the man myself. I have a friend who never missed a show. It made me sooo mad...that foolish behavior just to ??what??..But, he was for real, and those critters weren't staged or drugged. So how can I say I'm sorry now? I like the idea that you have done it. **He has no right I had thought, to pass up my aims, making my bravery look like Nintendo games. *** ha ha ha...thanks for that laugh! **Now he is gone, we all quietly once predicted though by quite the unseen we were contradicted** great rhyme **His wonderful love all things living had held,** ok, this line is confusingWhen he lived to dangle a life **in front of such menace Death would come at the end by such capricious sentence **more good rhymes....original too **Far my part I regret having not wished him much better and wished I had not sent him such a pissed-off letter....ha ha, I love it! I'm glad you never sent it, but this little story needed that ending. It's a really great ending. A great poem. Thanks for sharing. Smiles across the miles, Ellen2006-12-20 11:36:10
As Horses Graze at DuskThomas Edward WrightA fine exhibit of true poetry! I have much admiration for this work, my friend. Very well penned! Your pictures are enthralling, clear, and vivid. If you could stand out here with me You could see this late light dying Into salmon pink, a shade evenings Exude as they tire of azure and white;....I don't understand why you chose to puncuate here, but it is so picturesque that I wish I were there. But you are on safari, or diving Beneath the lid of the sea, seeking, I hope, eternal truth, internal clues, Or eluding critics asking you “Why?”...I love 'beneath the lid of the sea" They glance, as they chew, for you; Six of our best gnaw on late fall’s ...Now I can see these horses! I don't even like horses but from this view I think they are awesome! You didn't say so, but in this crisp air I think I can see their steamy breath and hear them whinny up to you. If you could sit out here with me, A thick plaid blanket about us, The air nipping, wisps of fog below, We could show you what you wanted to know. Oh, for the wisdom! A seeker who travels to the unknown to find what is right there. I know someone just like that, and this poem is proof enough for me! I'll be sending this one on tomy friend. I don't know what else to say. I don't usually run out of words, but you got me so engrossed that I don't know what to say! I think this is lovely and you are at the top of my list for the best yet this month! Thank you for sharing. I needed this today. A true delight. 2006-12-13 11:33:47
Heavens ChristmasDeniMari Z.Hello. This is a sweet sentimental! I love your word choices. Your rhymes are good too. I don't really think this piece appreciates the two line form. I think that if you were to combine your sentence structure you would create a much nicer read. Now I know I am getting picky, but take a look at this line again. Light(s) the spark of Christmas deep inside of me Angels,colored ribbons These are very nice thoughts and deserve more attention! a star upon a tree could be described more? shining star? atop a decorated tree? Lights the spark of Christmas light the spark of Christmas that lay deep inside of me! ...? deep inside of me Angels, colored ribbons...not enough! gala colors or are they pastels? Describe these things with more detail and you will have a finer poem. Sorry to pick so much. I really like the totality of your thoughts, but feel the line structure takes away from your joy.2006-12-09 11:09:38
A "Prayer" for My Brothers and Sisters in LightMary J CoffmanOh Mary you have touched my heart in a special way. I didn't know about your terrible ordeal but now that I do I will also keep you in my prayers. Recovery is a long road, and sometimes we never make it around the first bend. I see that you have made that first turn-and that is the beginning of a wonderous end. May God bless you and yours in your times of trouble! I say -forget the formalities of form! Forget the formalities of proper word usages or spelling or punctuation or anything else I can think of. This is a poem from the depth of your heart and no amount of work can make it better! Thank you for sharing this with us. I think you should write more about your accident (maybe your healing stage, etc). I know that writing about my head trauma made me come to grips with it much sooner than if I had just sat on it.... don't think! write! Best to you my dear, Ellen2006-12-08 10:57:26
A Christmas Cardmarilyn terwillegerWhat sweet and sentimental thoughts! This is a nice Christmas card. I think your friends will enjoy it. I can't find my dictionary and don't know the word 'slake', so if you want to, you can enlighten me on that one. I'm really glad that you chose to send us wishes that included Jesus. This year people have become so radical about it! I will maintain that Christmas should be for those who believe in Him. Thanks for sharing this with us! It's good to get a card and fun to share your own. Merry CHRISTmas Marilyn!2006-12-08 10:48:18
SpringMark Andrew HislopWow Mark! I can really, really relate to this. You are so right on. Isn't it sad that people who are so very intelligent also have to miss out on the simple (goodness) of life? When a person's brain is totally wiped out (I speak from experience) for whatever reason; birth defect or accident, it is totally born again with new, perhaps less complicated ways of looking at things. On the one hand, I envy them, on the other I am glad I have finally come up from there. I guess the secret is to find a way to be in the middle. I like your form and style but how about that title? Spring Minds or something would be better. I just have a persoanal hang-up about titles I guess. But to be honest, I was expecting something boring, old renewed tales of sunshine etc. I could have easily missed this magnificant piece of work! I like it alot. It's on my list now, so I'm glad I didn't skip over it after all! Smiles, Ellen2006-12-03 11:36:38
INJUSTICEDebbie SpicerHi, Debbie. As I'm reading this piece, I can't help but notice that our style of writing seems to have alot in common! I like the way you have told your story. How true and how sad, but I'm afraid you are right. I'd like to see you add more to this. I think the reader should be let in a little bit more; feel the tragedy with you. Are you holding back? Don't! Let it out with all the emotion you can fit into it. Make me the jury or the judge, or the victom of them! I like the form you used. And the tempo is consistant. Your lines don't all rhyme, but they don't have to because your word choices kind of 'click' on the tongue. I like it that way. It feels very real and truely spoken. I hope that you decide to make it a longer, fuller peice of prose as it is very good! Stir it up poet! smiles to you, Ellen2006-12-03 11:26:07
LOVE SONGNancy Ann HemsworthNancy, thank you so much for teaching me something new today! I will indeed have to try this form one day. It is a good work (even if I didn't know the 'rules' I would have liked it). It is soft and inviting and full of good 'vibes'..(can I say that?) When it's quiet, or when it's busy, day or night, still your thoughts are of love. Very enjoyable reading, my friend! I really like this. Ellen2006-12-01 11:07:20
Did the Aussies Reject Henry Fielding?James C. HorakGo James, go! I thank you for the ghostly kick in the rear this evening. I'm enjoying this alot. I think the use of your word 'pried'-pryed-feels like a forced rhyme. It's distracting. cerebral borrowing......That's a great line! wish I had thought of it! The final 'slap is perfect. and btw-the beginning always becomes the end, sooner or later. Nice work. Smiles and smiles, Ellen2006-11-30 23:50:34
Sunday Morning SceneTeresa GreenHello, Teresa. Vivid images on a soft pallet of green make this a delightful read! On a cold winterd day (today) that has warmed my heart. Spilled, caking between planks....spilled caking between planks spilled and caking between planks While barking permeates .. I had forgotten about the dog! with chocolate lab nose prints.......fresh chocolate lab nose prints..maybe fresh so as the reader doesn't associate him with a memory, lest he fades out to quickly. The soft pastel pictures have pulled me back to some far distant place like in a painting. I hope you can bring the dog out a little bit. I just love chocolate labs! This is a great poem. I really like it. Ellen2006-11-30 23:33:29
Would You Deny Me One of My Small Joys?Kenneth R. Patton Awe, you must be an Odie fan! I love the humor and the twist at the ending. So dry and deliciously satisfying. (pun intended) I have been a fan of yours before. Thank you for coming back with something like this. I'm a little confused in the beginning-when you are 'in the office'....couldn't you be chained to the stoop or something? Or perhaps, a little more info about this office... I really do hope to see you again soon! Keep on writing-the world needs more art in it....Ellen2006-11-30 23:12:30
TogetherDeborah L BirdHi, Deborah. I think this is the first time I have read any of your work. I'm not dissapointed a bit! I like this little ditty of love. Your word choices are good. Walking on the beach is always a romance, under the moon. I truely like the last line the best. I think you have a typo(?) where you used the word destine. I love the last line! Nice work! Thanks for sharing it with us. I look forward to reading more of your work. Shine on poet, Ellen2006-11-29 10:04:58
QuillMark Andrew HislopHi, Mark. What a circle of the viciousness of life! I have some favorite lines and I love the two-headed metaphor of the she-spider. I write in haste: your footsteps hit the corridor, like an interrogation.....I think I can see the dust turning as the footsteps approach, and the feeling of fear and haste is strong! Youth, studious of your pleasures, bright fall your eyes on any horizon........I love this! Though you come now, once you find this quill, ink, this fate will have passed on, to you...oooooh....nicely turned! I like this. Your works always seem to hold a secret. Some bit of truth that might be missed if the reader were to skip through it lightly. When I read your work, I search deeply between the lines to see what I have missed. It makes it hard to crit' your work effectively, but it makes for a truely interesting read. Shine on....Ellen2006-11-29 09:59:34
IntentionsDellena RovitoHi again, Dellena! This short little ditty is chocked full of the most important things we reveal about ourselves daily, without even knowing it. I like it. You do need a new title though. Wish I could help with that....when I lived in a 'real' house I had a thesauras nearby all the time. Today, I guess I don't have one anymore. (smile). "Intentions" is just not descriptive enough! This work deserves more than that! I like it though. It's potent with it's punch-something I admire in your work. Smiles to you my frined! Ellen2006-11-29 09:46:52
Ready?marilyn terwillegerOOOO Marilyn! This is deep and thoughful. I bet you step on some toes with this one! I seem to share the same beliefs as you do and I adore this message. Clear and loud, you haven't missed a thing. If swollen hearts throb as in the Throes of passion, transgressions Seem trivial, like the quiet Moan of a mandolin....I can feel the lonely strings Most will be caught searching For the key that opens those (bejewled gates)....how true! I hope that hits someone right in the smacker! You say it bluntly enough that it ought to wake someone up. The last twist of the knife....pardon the pun, but that last thought can cut pretty deep! I love this little ditty! A strong message, spoken directly and clearly. Great work! I really like it! thanks for sharing these ideas, Ellen 2006-11-21 13:01:59
By Moon's LightDellena RovitoHi Dellena! I like the way your dreams (reaching) and the moon (sleeping) are metaphored. It's a tricky piece for me though. I had to read and read it again. From the view I will too anything I dream can be. ......sorry to say it, but I am confused I think your ending is great. I love the last verse. From beginning to end, it is written as only a poet would write. It is a thoughtful work. I wish I could offer you more, as it deserves. I hope you get lots of readers, as I would enjoy seeing this through someone elses' eyes. Keep looking forward and writing more, blessings, Ellen 2006-11-21 12:54:24
Scourge KillJames C. HorakWirey title, James. How did you ever come up with that? smile, I like it. It draws attention. How to interpret this piece? It is so complex and yet it is short and direct. I am wondering if I have missed the whole point (as I so often do with you!) Upon my first read, I imagine a comet in the sky; perhaps falling to hit the earth. Or, perhaps I could relate this to the 'great northern lights' , a spectacular nightshow. Or, one more opportunity to see; in Kansas I woulod easily imagine this to be just another tornado. But, I have to keep coming back to the ending.....perhaps the sun and earth will collide. No matter how I read it I come back to this inevitable end. I like it. I like things that keep me guessing, but I want to know the answer to this puzzle! .......Lighted coloring banded across,..... this line loses its poetic feel. Wish I could offer more, but to this untrained eye, I see no need for it. Thanks, James! 2006-11-19 13:47:12
ANNE'S FLAMEMark D. KilburnHello, Mark. I have hung on every word and completely engrossed myself with this. It is very good! However, is this a book report? I'm sorry, it does read more like a report than a prose. While I do believe her words needed much more attention and reflection (which you supplied), I would have liked to seen more reflection and less words. It's a long story, and hard to shorten I admit, but still....this would be a great fireside story (just right for radio) instead of a prose. I feel like since I have the story, I would enjoy a poem to go with it....I'm sorry, that's just how this one reader feels. Having said that, I don't think it is necessary for me to go through it line by line; for meter, or any other such thing. Except for one line that really caught me off guard-and it's a neat line-God gone missing- I liked the story, as I said. It did give me the opportunity to count my blessings again! I hope to see you write another piece from this-a runoff-if you will... Thank you for sharing! This is a good wake-up call for me, and many others like me, who sit in the comforts I take for granted! Smiles to you my friend! Ellen2006-11-18 11:33:30
Little Tilly Tattle Tale and the Mean MenJames C. HorakHello, again, James! You're title is a good kick off. I like it, and I like the irony of the piece too. (don't correct me please-irony is what I WANT to call it) Imagine one seeping hurt though, from its head to its toes. I think this short call to imagine is not enough. I need more discriptives to imagine anything yet. No one pays enough attention..leans (in) far enough. (enough enough...) To really KNOW what she means, cause they're not enthralled..........I don't think you need to yell.(smile) enthralled is a good word choice, but I also thought of 'enchanted' But she'll show them, blow them, whatever...Now you're talking... Prostitution is good, gotta find some endeavor.....hmmm..prostition offers some means to endeavor? Getting next to what she hates the most, just to kiss it...............ooo, awh....can I quote you on that? that needs to be on a bumpersticker, or a wall...... (~~ ~~~~ ~~~~) time passes, things change.....a little bit of foundation for the next lines. Like some starlet found in the rough, and polished on a couch (good....I hope this doesn't rub you wrong...I'm having fun with this) Tiny Tilly comes to be Tilly the NARC, Ouch! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha....that is a great twist! I can't stop laughing.! Oh, and one more thing. (just for the fun of it)..there are certain to be some male prostitutes out there who will/have turned narc too! And like you said, we already know them?...no they can fool you too.... I am stunned. I like this alot. It's a great fun read. Thanks for sharing. PS I wonder who made bail first? 2006-11-17 20:36:52
Bipolar and Mestephen g skipperHi Stephen! Your title is great for this piece. My favorite line is 'Cresting waves on a perpetual spring tide'....very good description.!. Tasting fruit from forbidden Eden -whilst playing chess with the Devil...it's a good description but maybe break that line into 2 lines? Taking his bishops and dallying with his Queen...I love that line. Awsome. Will it be a gentle landing or Will it be Will I be slammed into the ground a gentle landing? Or will I be slammed into the ground? Tiredness....could be simply 'tired' I take the ending to mean that you, yourself, is not what needs changing. A good and worthy person caught in a rotten trap.... Thank you for sharing the macabre poem. It has a really strong voice. I like poems that speak of things loudly. Good job! I really like this. Ellen 2006-11-10 23:19:04
Wrathmarilyn terwillegerooooo..this is deep and very intriguing.!. This is the type of poem that one person will say do this; and another would say 'change that'; when in truth it is just as it should be! Still....without attemp to alter words/slants and your meaning, I'd like to express my own view. (smile) teeth of wind....? how many readers will associate that with 'a biting wind'....forgive me for saying so, but toothy wind is a disruption. "Mortals drank of their own breath"....cool....sounds like drowning supplicating tears ....hmmm... while I agree that tears can be supplicating, to me this implies that they are cleansing tears... And just one more little thing; I'd skip the breaks from one verse to another. The words are deep enough to entrance the reader, who will naturally supply the breaks as to his/her understanding. You could run line to line, with punctuation, and relieve the burden of interpretation by the reader. And, having said all that, I'd like to tell you how much I truely enjoyed this poem! It is the gift of a talented writer. Smiles to you! Ellen2006-11-10 22:25:39
Seasonal PerceptionsTerrye GodownHello, poet! I really like this style on you. You have done an excellent job my friend. I think this is a very elegant and it is delightfully wise and crisp. I can't offer much for a suggestion as to improve it; so I'll tell you the only one place that I 'tripped'. Ot seems to me that in this line- winter patiently waits winter patiently (a)waits Such a mere formality it hardly seemed worth mentioning, but what can I offer a finished piece of work such as this? It's beautiful. It belongs on the wall as in one of those 'tranquility posters' etc....Thanks for sharing. I'll be looking for more from you! Ellen 2006-11-08 19:33:49
Ghost Townmarilyn terwillegeroh Marilyn!I love this homespun tale! So easy to picture that old town. Would be a great fireplace tale. (I think of Garrison Keeler reading it aloud with the talent of a great story teller. I like the patterns; as uneven as they are. I guess that's why this is extra good when read aloud. Sunday afternoon when summer idled.....a favorite line The sky sang in perfect pitch as blustery Winds blew across sand. Just as a suggestion, I can't picture this. Maybe because I live in Kansas where the wind blows constantly and does alot of talking...I don't like the connection of blustery pitch with blowing sand.....I don't mean to be picky! It just seems to contradict itself. It seems like you need something more hollow, more empty, echo's of silence? The hushed silence seemed to Speak in whispers of remembered heartbeats....something to go along with this erie feeling? I really like the way you ended it. This is a great poem! I love it!2006-11-08 18:49:31
IllusionaryDellena RovitoI joined with the masses and learned all the rules. I believed and obeyed unaware I could choose. Those are two very great lines! Those words can apply to almost everybody at some time or another. I really like those two lines. I was taught: eat, walk, talk, play, work, think and relate. Other's ideas from eons past overflowed on my plate. Now what of these? The first line is clear and smacks with truth. The second line however, feels forced and seems to comic the thought. Political clamors of moral twisted wrong pushes opposite's to spar until everything is gone. How true! Those two lines could become another poem in their own rite! All facets of truth's facts I need never defend. As we live out our time to false reality's end. I like what those lines say, but they are a tongue twister for sure! I don't know if you can find a way to make them move more smoothly or not. I think they need something.....Also, do you realize the transition from I to We? I don't know if that is anything to consider, but wanted you to know I am paying attention (smile). Thanks for sharing! Ellen2006-10-31 11:31:17
About Lovemarilyn terwillegerAs always, this poem is another fine piece which includes vibrant pictures and emphasis on the colors of nature. A rose hangs heavy on the stem but to dispetal (it) is a sin I mention that only because it seems to be one line that feels cut off. Another thing I noticed is The bill and cooing of a turtledove held still within our splendrous love ....could be 'holds spellbound' or somehow to imply that it becomes a part of the moment, rather than a seperation from it. I like it! Your style of writing is to be praised. Thank you for sharing! Ellen 2006-10-31 10:37:07
UntitleableMark Andrew HislopNo wonder there is no title! This is dark, my friend, as if it is hiding something more obvious-too obvious maybe. It leaves me thinking, "ok this is a dentist" or maybe "here's a sex change"...Sorry I didn't get it. You need a title that gives us the answer, even if it is vague. The last verse is perfect for fitting the rest together. Funny how right you are; nature and beauty are cousins to money. Wide open for interpretation. I like it, but I can't say why. It's the whole mystery that makes it intriguing, but for the same reason it leaves me lacking the ability to relate to it. Thanks for sharing. I wish I could have offered more! Ellen 2006-10-31 10:27:07
MothmenJames C. HorakHmmmm....you got me...I don't know who the Mothmen are-unless they are the silent observers who wait for the moment when money falls! The pirates who eat the passions of the game and trade them for their own profit.... Only one line that doesn't fit.. they ride them all, like leaves upon a storm. I don't know, a bit trite in the middle of all the unknown....just a thought. I'm hoping you are going to tell me just what these characters are! Good work really. Deeper than this eye can see, but it is intriging! 2006-10-31 10:14:29
Sky ScrapingDellena RovitoDellena, this is lovely! Your word choices are complicated, and yet it is lyrical and definitive too. You have a unique perspective. I love the way you can take something as grandois as a mountain, and after it's glowing review you bring it down to earth again. A great metaphor, as deep as it is high, with many levels to ponder. I think your punctuation is a distraction but as always, punctuation is a matter of choice. It is a lovely piece anyway and I thank you for sharing it! I like it alot. Keep them coming, my friend, Ellen2006-10-29 04:10:14
a fire of yesJoanne M UppendahlHello again, Joanne! It's a pleasure to see you. As always your poetry brings vivid images that I always think I can touch-feel-smell...!. Vivid, and soft, I knew it was you. the green fern leans like wings on the path ...........I'm getting images of pixies dancing about and I can smell the coolness coming off the fern... What a great way to begin a poem. ....however.... I can't picture the dead tree grinning her bones...but the spookiness is coming up real strong now..Isn't it something how this big old dead tree can seem so ominious and dark; while at the same time the chickadee's are bouncing about joyfully....(Now that's good writing) chickadees bounce from branch to branch eating berries ....are these chick's eating the fruit of that old dead tree? or...hmmm. the fresh mulberry sappling? Ahhh, I just love this time of year. Reading this reminds me of how much beauty I am missing! Here in Kansas, when Fall finally arrives, it brings uncertain weather instead of smokey burnt marshmellows. There will be alot of colds and flu bugs as our days alternate between hot rain and freezing ice. Never know what to wear here. I really like this poem. It's worth an applause and an encore! Keep them coming....smiles to you! Ellen2006-10-28 21:34:50
Very Bad Thingsmarilyn terwillegerIt's great to see someone who writes about the things and events of today. I'm not a fan of holloweenies and would ban the whole celebration if I could! So it's no surprise as to my favorite line- Evil be damned in shadow’s mind Despised by all human kind But this also is a striking line- They crawled on ugly wrinkled shins And curled ghastly lipless grins....good vivid images Spit the bones and wiped their chins Thus sat down on pumpkin skins.......this gave me goosebumps! It's a great poem. I really like it. I am curious about the word 'skulk'..?.. THANKS FOR THE TREAT! Ellen 2006-10-25 14:05:14
Trust More Than AnythingDuane R BotzekOh this is a delightful, uplifting piece! These are the works of art I look for when reading poetry. Faith, hope, and trust, and the greatest of these is love. In the first verse, line three, I think I see something that you could improve. And when you’re dumped now and then, look back in where you’ve been Look back AT where you've been....I do see that inversion of looking back also brings us to look inside of ourselves-but isn't that exactly where doubts begin? I know I am picking, but it is a line that can be improved upon (in my opinion). This line also needs one change. Even if your heart gets broken, to another close to you I think it would feel more natural if it read BY another close to you` This is my favorite line and pretty much says it all- I hope you trust in this moment and not in the last Another line that needs looked at is this one- If it’s cold inside, melt hearts with the warmth in your smile I think you mean to say, if it's cold OUTSIDE. Here is a suggestion for this line- And shattered like ropes sometimes do- I think that ropes sometimes fray or become loosely wrapped but I don't know if they shatter. And shattered like ropes sometimes do The flow in the next lines is beautifully penned with hope and love. My favorite thought- Trust more that anything, trust more than anything My wish, for you, is that trust becomes everything I like the repetition. It offers strength and shares hope. I hope you gather up the life-giving fiber of trust... That is a really cool thought. braid it into your shattered heart like glue .....so far I see a gathering of fibers, a weaving of fibers and a renewing of that trust...I can't see the connection with the 'glue'.....Maybe you could use the word 'new' which also rhymes. Or perhaps 'renew'...If a person were to weave new fibers into a rope it would become stronger and fuller... I hope I have not confused you! I really really like this! This is an awe inspiring write. One of my favorite poems so far. Thanks for sharing! 2006-10-25 08:09:37
Enceinte'James C. HorakJames, your poetry is always so deep and thought provoking. You leave me breathless and somewhat frozen in the moment as I finish the last line. Your first verse leaves you without objective or purpose, thought or ideal. Your second verse is intriging. The twist of word play and the sudden rhyme is a nice surprise. For those readers who have to nit pick I would say that the cobweb probably has no breath anyway, but I still like the way you put it. Third verse is really good. Packed with the punch of the whole thought.. The 'way of why' and the 'curse of compulsion' but your last verrse is my favorite! I am exploring the depths of those lines and wonder how many people will feel offended? (not I) You have crossed through the lines of belief's and managed to bring us all in. Your last line, I think, could be interpreted by the masses to believe what they will. Interesting to compare with You come to be what you dwell upon too long. I really enjoyed this piece! Thanks for sharing it. It's great. 2006-10-25 07:41:22
Lightmarilyn terwillegerThis is a great cinquain! You've done really well with portraying your thoughts and the image is complete. Alot of people have trouble writing this type of poetry, but you do it with an easy hand. I really like this. No suggestions for change- sorry! It is complete and I like it alot.2006-10-25 07:10:04
Whispersmarilyn terwillegerPower packed imagery! I really like this! I don't think it needs much work at all. For the sake of offering something, I'll tell you that the last line is a bit like an unfinished thought. The word that feels wrong is "Like"... I take it to me; just as my own last breath...I think you could work on that one line. I'm sorry I don't have more to offer! Very nice work.2006-10-25 07:02:09
RappingDellena RovitoCool! I like this. That's a great title for it. I can't offer much as far as changes go. I like the uneven 'drumbeats' and the catch phrases. I like the way some of your rhymes tumble over each other-even in mid sentence! Great job. I really like this one alot.2006-10-24 22:05:11
Ode To A Raging SeaNancy Ann HemsworthHello, Nancy. I've read some of your work before! I think you did a great job on this. The first verse is the best (in my opinion). In the 2nd verse I stumbled a bit over the last line. How could I know the gall in your deceit. Maybe if you could emphasize the 'how could I know'?? I think it's the word gall that gets me. Maybe--- How could I have known the 'swell of your deceit'? Just a thought. But I do like your conveyance; like the deep sea you share your depth of feeling. It comes off very well. Thanks for sharing! 2006-10-24 21:59:57
Behind The DoorDellena RovitoWow, this is different. I like it's simplicity and thought provoking attitude. Ending it with 'I always see me' is perfect. I like the use of the word 'viola' . It's a nice surprise and caught me off gaurd. Reslly clever. Thanks for sharing! Ellen2006-08-21 08:45:25
Catching SunDellena RovitoHi, Dellena. This is a fun reading poem. I think you found a way to bring it all together and then sum it up very nicely. It's short but complete. I like it. I wish I could go out and catch some sun! I have Lupus and can't go out after the sun comes up or before it goes down. That's such a bummer! But at least the inside of my house is 'outdoorsy' (I just made up a word!) Since I can't go out I fill my house with flowers and plants (I mean really full) and that takes the edge off some. I do like this work and the grand equation of it all is awesome! Smiles to you Ellen2006-08-21 08:00:31
Here I AmMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.Hello, Medard. This dark dark poem is more than just a catharsis of an unworthy. It is tempered and refined dross, my friend. ......since I really loathe the dulging of death this is hard for me to honestly appreciate. But I am reading it anyway because you deserve to be congratulated in your talents! I died long ago when the Kingdom didn't matter.......a profound beginning. The meter and the rhyme are really good in this first verse also. Other times I wish their stories didn't intrude....these are your weakest words. They are very humble. No God can save me if I don't accept the conditions Of His terms and paths to salvation My own sanctification is lost in a quagmire ....good word choice! Of my self-righteous worship and selfish pride ..you used the word self twice and it may be an interruption to the reader. As for the rest, it is only a matter of opinion on the subject matter. I don't see any reason to change any wording in particular. I think you should name this as some kind of roller coaster...(smile now!) I am sorry I have no appreciation for this type of poetry and can't offer anything more. Smiles to you, Ellen2006-08-12 23:28:17
Who are the Terrorists?James C. HorakNo offense taken by this reader James. I like it. I like poetry that fires me up, and this one does! Three men in a tub....words doled out like porridge... It might say (were there those to brave little farms and even smaller people at work there, But no longer...and that merciful, it did no last to ask. This confuses me a little. It makes me wonder if I am so disassociated from the reality of it that I can't see it clearly. Brave, hard working people with struggling farms is a strong picture. But what of the rest? I'm sorry I don't get it. But you must hurry before the ground has taken all meaning away! Yes, I like that. Presuming the terrorists are foiling hallowed ground you should use your exclamtion point in that line!!! Bravery and bravo to you my friend! If I may ask, are you on ground zero, in the midst of many bombings? Please continue to enlighten us with this truthful stand! I look forward to reading more! Ellen2006-08-08 10:06:49
Heart PassageDeniMari Z.Hello, DeniMari. What a sad sad day for you. If it helps at all, remember that all of us experience this deep loss at some time. I was at my mothers side for about 11 months as she lay dieing of cancer. It was a very difficult thing to do. I really like the line you use-"tell me how to hold your hand"....wow. That is strong. That is the essence of being there, the whole point, and you have brought it out so well. This poem is so emotion packed it is hard for me to comment! If I were to change anything in this it would be the meter. As it is written, the reader is forced to limit their imagination by the short, crisp lines. The rhyming of each line is a tribute to your creativity! Still, for the sake of a more indepth read, I would consider finding a new meter. I also have this same trouble in my writings so it is difficult to tell you how to 'fix' it. You could leave it as it is and still leave your reader in an awesome state of 'trance'. Just a thought. Not even a critical error here. I like this poem. It speaks to and from the heart. May God give you the peace of heart and mind that you need for strength now! Ellen2006-08-08 09:53:17
FootprintsDellena RovitoFrom the depth of love's memory we all continue. ....That's a great line. It's deep. (smile) This is an indepth weight of truth. I like it. It's great. Ellen 2006-08-01 00:11:11
MoonstonesJames C. HorakHey James. This older work is really neat. I see your style has changed a bit over time. I guess all we poets do that from time to time. There is a romantic heart in there trying to show itself. I wonder about your last line. I'm trying to decide how it is meant to be understood? I like the idea of a pail of tears for diamonds and sunlight and moonstones. Really neat poem.2006-08-01 00:05:09
To Those That Pick on DweebsJames C. Horakooooooo James. You sure told me off! LOL I like it. There is nothing to be said, now. I think I'll just hide under my desk for awhile and chew on this one! You go James!! Smiling at ya real big, Ellen2006-07-30 12:34:13
Oohga Whah WhahJames C. HorakHello James! Thank you for making me laugh this morning. This little ditty is delightful!! Not to mention creative. I love it. (can I transfer my calls to you?) Thank you for sharing this delight. My only suggestion-don't change a thing. Smiles, Ellen2006-07-27 11:13:53
Tender DuplicityMary J CoffmanAwesome! I am breathless. Your word choices roll on the tongue with crisp, new sensations. I love the sentence structure. the guise of grace cloak of consideration........wonderful! gutless droppings of devious drivel ...I have to say this line really made me laugh. It's cool because even in reading those words, you have to 'spit them out' .... I’ll write the wounds away...tenderness peeps in and discard you......and shows it's strength! Nice work poet! This is a great work. I really like it.2006-07-26 00:22:35
Trampled GroundJames C. HorakThis poetic prose is a pleasure to read; although it speaks of pain and absence. It is stated so well, that this reader can fully grasp and understand, without being dragged into the darkness of your pain. I do hope things get better for you (providing this is a recent work which is true to your life). I like this alot. This shows the work of an ept poet! One tiny thing that might have helped me is in your second line. Just a minor thing really, but adding a pause... ..... hope. by inserting a string line your reader might pause and contemplate..... I really like this! This is good stuff! Smiles to you! Ellen2006-07-25 13:38:40
Pocket ChangeDellena RovitoHello, Dellena. I love this analogy! Time and pocket change. How cool! I think you have done a great job with this one. I have only one question. Your lasst stanza-no concern as to why.....I think that is a bit contrary to the rest of the piece. Perhaps it would be an idea to replace the word 'concern'. You could use 'reason' no 'explanation' no 'clue'.....just a thought. Aside from that I see nothing to improve! It's a great poem. I really like it. Smiles, Ellen2006-07-24 09:55:40
Fantasymarilyn terwillegerHello, Marilyn! This is a stirring piece. I think I would like to put my emotional baggage into a brown paper bag too. What a really neat way to express yourself! The only 'nit' I see is in your last two verses where you drag one sentence down to the following verse. (watched my worries wag). Such a tiny thing I know. Still, just something to think about in the event you enter this into another contest, or repost it. I think it is very visual and airy. I like it alot! Ellen2006-07-23 12:19:18
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