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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Ellen K Lewis	Critique Date
Footprints	Dellena Rovito	From the depth of love's memory we all continue. ....That's a great line. It's deep. (smile) This is an indepth weight of truth. I like it. It's great. Ellen	2006-08-01 00:11:11
Moonstones	James C. Horak	Hey James. This older work is really neat. I see your style has changed a bit over time. I guess all we poets do that from time to time. There is a romantic heart in there trying to show itself. I wonder about your last line. I'm trying to decide how it is meant to be understood? I like the idea of a pail of tears for diamonds and sunlight and moonstones. Really neat poem.	2006-08-01 00:05:09
To Those That Pick on Dweebs	James C. Horak	ooooooo James. You sure told me off! LOL I like it. There is nothing to be said, now. I think I'll just hide under my desk for awhile and chew on this one! You go James!! Smiling at ya real big, Ellen	2006-07-30 12:34:13
Oohga Whah Whah	James C. Horak	Hello James! Thank you for making me laugh this morning. This little ditty is delightful!! Not to mention creative. I love it. (can I transfer my calls to you?) Thank you for sharing this delight. My only suggestion-don't change a thing. Smiles, Ellen	2006-07-27 11:13:53
Tender Duplicity	Mary J Coffman	Awesome! I am breathless. Your word choices roll on the tongue with crisp, new sensations. I love the sentence structure. the guise of grace cloak of consideration........wonderful! gutless droppings of devious drivel ...I have to say this line really made me laugh. It's cool because even in reading those words, you have to 'spit them out' .... I’ll write the wounds away...tenderness peeps in and discard you......and shows it's strength! Nice work poet! This is a great work. I really like it.	2006-07-26 00:22:35
Trampled Ground	James C. Horak	This poetic prose is a pleasure to read; although it speaks of pain and absence. It is stated so well, that this reader can fully grasp and understand, without being dragged into the darkness of your pain. I do hope things get better for you (providing this is a recent work which is true to your life). I like this alot. This shows the work of an ept poet! One tiny thing that might have helped me is in your second line. Just a minor thing really, but adding a pause... ..... hope. by inserting a string line your reader might pause and contemplate..... I really like this! This is good stuff! Smiles to you! Ellen	2006-07-25 13:38:40
Pocket Change	Dellena Rovito	Hello, Dellena. I love this analogy! Time and pocket change. How cool! I think you have done a great job with this one. I have only one question. Your lasst stanza-no concern as to why.....I think that is a bit contrary to the rest of the piece. Perhaps it would be an idea to replace the word 'concern'. You could use 'reason' no 'explanation' no 'clue'.....just a thought. Aside from that I see nothing to improve! It's a great poem. I really like it. Smiles, Ellen	2006-07-24 09:55:40
Fantasy	marilyn terwilleger	Hello, Marilyn! This is a stirring piece. I think I would like to put my emotional baggage into a brown paper bag too. What a really neat way to express yourself! The only 'nit' I see is in your last two verses where you drag one sentence down to the following verse. (watched my worries wag). Such a tiny thing I know. Still, just something to think about in the event you enter this into another contest, or repost it. I think it is very visual and airy. I like it alot! Ellen	2006-07-23 12:19:18
Hot Days	James C. Horak	Hi, James. I'm surprised that the airborne leaf wasn't a tumble weed! In summer dreaded in chords of fear That thine tempest might wrap with Death (I wonder about this line.It's the 'dreaded chords' that confuses me. I can't help but think that dread, fear, and music (?) don't play together. Piles of feathers tell. I like it. It is descriptive and feels hot. I'm sorry you didn't wipe the little guy off the face of the earth; put him out of his misery. But I can't blame you. I end up putting water and feed out for the wild things around my house. Especially water these days. Your cool demeanor and final statement are really well displayed. I like it! It's a great work! Smiles, Ellen	2006-07-20 13:47:42
Thirty-Six Across	Fowler Trask	Hello again, Fowler. As keeping to your style, this is another great poem! The irony and the sad pride are clearly obvious. "Filling up the blackboard" was unexpected. Your last verse is so awesome. The 'littleness' of life full of major struggles and final words, leaves a chilling acknowledgement of the truth. First one man, then 2, then 9.....I like it. Another unexpected twist to lighten up the seriousness of this poem. There is only one line that I would look at again, if you care to polish this. They were quite strong, you see. Hmmm..Is that relevant? There physical strength? What else can you say about those men? Are these men giants or are they strong collectively? Perhaps neither, or both. Maybe it doesn't really matter. But it was the thing that interrupted my reading, so I mention it. I like this alot, Fowler, it is really good. Thanks for another informative and thought provoking poem! Kudos! Ellen	2006-07-20 13:33:11
Neighborhood Watch	Fowler Trask	Wow, Fowler! I like your style. Thanks for sharing this and for the enlightenment! I can't offer many suggestions for improvement on this peice. But as a talented poet you should consider a few things. Rhyme is not a neccessary componet of poetry, but stanza's and meters are. Your line lengths may be something for you to consider for future poems. (this one is fine!). I know that everyone has their own idea of what is right and what is wrong with punctuation and caps. I leave that up to you, but I do know that some publishers won't except work that is not 'gramatically correct'. It's always a good idea to read your work out loud and see where your sentences stop and start. Thats a great way to control your readers minds, and explain without question your ideal read. I love the bake sale going on here. All the good people getting together to buy M16's. Here in the USA people can hardly imagine such things. We need lots of information, on a personal level such as yours is! Thank you so much-this is great! Smile, Ellen	2006-07-20 13:03:17
Train Conductor	Fowler Trask	This is cool! I really like the second line. It immediately drew up the image I needed to focus on the poem. I wonder how many times, how many conductors, have ever looked back at the passenger they left behind and thought about lonliness and the vacant platforms. I wonder if they feel what they see, as you have done. Here is a slight variation on this verse. It is only one opportunity to keep your line lengths closer together, but is not vital to the life of the poem. Only a suggestion: I could shovel some coal into the engine. The smoke would blacken as the gears churned The pistons would pound and you would close your eyes and ease back in your seat a little. This is great, Fowler. It's the first piece I have seen from you. I hope to see more as you are a gifted poet, for sure! Thank you for sharing with all of us here, Ellen	2006-07-19 10:57:09
Poets Don't Get Into Trouble Anymore	James C. Horak	Go James! This is awesome. I know it doesn't rhyme and is somewhat choppy but (wow!) your words are spoken passionately and with purpose. I like it alot. I can not say much to improve upon. Your words make it clear that your style is your own and unique. I can't argue with that. Your last line is quite a punch. Ow! I'm glad you vented here, as I am biting my tongue to do the same. Smiles to you! Ellen	2006-07-19 10:44:29
Unanswered	James C. Horak	A fine collection of enlightened philosophy's. Nice work! My problem with reading this is that the punctuation throws me off. Knocks made upon doors too thick (;) entry is not granted. horror alone senses (.) Only that truth (why cap 'only'?) Evey line in the last verse is capped too. I just think that some of those are out of place. Every writer has his own opinion about punctuation, but then so does every reader. There are times when it is necessary to be strict and rigid in those rules, and times when it is totally inapropriate. I leave that up to you, but wanted you to know how it has effected my read of this work. Other than that, it's a fine piece of work! You have poked about in little spoken truth's, and given me new things to ponder. I like it.	2006-07-17 08:48:40
Mourner’s Cloth	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	Nancy this is beautiful! Your voice is rich with passion, proclaiming it's a bittersweet victory. There are jewels in those lines; but I think they are still waiting to be uncovered. **This poem is winning material in the rough** I'd love to see what would happen to it if you 'polished' it. I don't want to give you words to use, but consider each line (regaurdless of long or short) as a total thought and carry it through. My goal would be to make it read with more flow. Don't leave 'air space' between your lines, except where you intend to. I really like this style. It is intended for general audiences and leaves me feeling renewed and soothed. Beautiful! Remember this poem may win just as it is written now! If it doesn't though, you should definately consider submitting it again. Kudos to you! Ellen	2006-07-15 19:21:24
Memoriter	Brandon Gene Petit	Brandon, hello again! I really like this creative work of yours! You have managed to rhyme line after line without forcing, and with the intent to capture meaning, and you have done it ever so well! I have been at deaths door more times than I can remember, and I know that many people fear losing what they have had all their life-trading it all in, shall we say. It is a time of great decision for most of us. I wonder where I will be on that day. Will I choose not to lose the things I have always held dear to me? I intended to tell you my favorite lines but I am unable to choose!! Here is one line that gave me new cause for ponderance- When I’m forced to gaze into the eyes of my maker Will I miss the sincerity of my reflection? ooooo-that's good! Will I drop all my cares for eternity’s climb? oooo...that's good too Will I know life again in a new infant’s cry? -my least favorite line- I don't think I want to become an infant again! The words go well together and carry through the verse with relationship to 'mother' etc...but I just had to stop and think- oh no! I hope not!! I am in awe, my friend. This is great, expressive work which speaks to all of mankind. I really like it!	2006-07-15 11:27:03
Painting A Picture	Dellena Rovito	Wow Dellena, this is beautiful! This is a work of art that speaks directly to my heart! (sorry about the rhyme-not intended) Your first verse opens right up front and to the point. Painting with words! beautiful Colors of summer-and then you name them in the verses that follow. Great direction and follow-through. pinks and reds of passion's clues and back dropped by sky high blues. ......this is the only place you need to give attention to (that I can see). Your first verse, and the two lines that follow are very clear, vibrant and full of passion. Then you almost repeat yourself....I think it steals from the passion when I know your intent is to bring them to life. I think you lost track of 'summer's colors' there. Your rhyme seems a bit forced too. I don't mean to pick it apart-forgive me- but it's just something I see. 'sky high blues'...beautiful sky blues...or something....might just change the wording a bit for a better flow... Oh the last two verses are so profound! I really like it. It's a beautiful piece of art. Kudos! It's great Ellen	2006-07-13 12:55:45
Seaside Serenade	Mary J Coffman	Hi again! Yes I definately like this read better. I have to tell you that it is really very hard to go back and look at someone's poem the second time. ! . I really want to do it justice and be as absolutly helpful as I can; but I'm afraid of saying tooooo much. This is a test and a good one, for sure. I can't really remember everything I said the first time- I hope I'm not too picky (smile). I really do like it better with the new line change: until lathered surf (I can see it...) rushes in (strong and mighty now!) repossessing her impressions as its own (yes!) Now I am a little confused. Did you also change the meter in a few places? I think it reads really well, the waves just feel different...(smile). Great poem! I really like it. No more suggestions for change-I think it's right on! Kudos! Ellen	2006-07-12 20:59:26
Skipping Stones	marilyn terwilleger	Oh this is sweet, Marilyn. That first verse is really great. I'm having a little trouble with this line: sunset when wind moans. when wind is a real tongue twister! Maybe 'as the wind' I don't want to pick on this but I need to offer something more. Your very last line could reinforce your first line by changing it from 'remembering' to I remember. Just a thought for you! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I hope that you are well and feeling fine! Ellen	2006-07-11 10:46:52
Beyond Summer	Brandon Gene Petit	Hi, Brandon. This is great! I love the fall the best and I can't wait for it to wake up. A couple of your lines are so awesome: Pumpkins color a shady churchyard Varied in size like legions of kin Whirlwinds fraught with nervous leaves A jogger follows a cloud of breath Those are unique, to say the least! Treetops blasted with puzzling hues....puzzling? I don't know. Seems like another word could have been better, but it's just a thought. Squarely displayed ....just another thought. The word squarely sort of jumped out at me. In short, I think that verse could have been omited. I know that no one likes to hear that. But you have a good quality piece and it deserves to have no wasted words or unnecessary thoughts. I think the hardest thing for a good poet is to know when to quit. I know I am guilty of that. Remember now, I am just giving my lowly opinion of a great poem. Thanks for the reminder of the lovely times ahead! Peace, Ellen	2006-07-10 11:54:41
Dawning	marilyn terwilleger	Hi, Marilyn. I really like this quiet and thoughtful poem. The 'eye of heaven' is a really cool line! 'Faults as easy to see as an open sore' is another really good line. The rain is rainier....cool! again, that is really neat! Did you ever try reading this poem without this verse? Should I sink every Impulse like a bolt? That is an unanswerable Question, of course. I think it flows even better without that verse. Omiting it doesn't take away from the other verses, but adding it doesn't help them any either. I just tend to think that verse doesn't fit in as well. I really like this! This is a great work. Smiles to you, Ellen	2006-07-08 11:56:40
Shelter	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	Hello, Nancy. What a powerful piece you have here! I really like the first two lines. I myself have sat and watched the world out through the window and so these lines really 'talked to me'. Focus on mine alone....security...reason ....(all good examples!) a suggestion= (for) what reason (I have) constructed (this) state of mind and also, one more. This idea comes from personal experience and may not fit, but here it is anyway. why choose the option to remain so blind chose to opt out of the world and stay blind..? I think it's kind of choppy (the original line) but I like what it says! I think it would flow better if you could turn those words around a little and get a smoother reading line? If it can be done without compromising the meaning it would be a good thing to try. Other than that, I have no suggestions to improve it. It is very nice and I like it alot. It spoke to me on a personal level and that's really cool. Thanks for sharing! Ellen	2006-07-07 14:50:30
Interned	Mary J Coffman	Hi, Mary. I've been studying your poem and would like to share with you. I didn't know that dragonfly's made a cocoon! If I'm not mistaken that's how I'm reading. Being in a chrysalis would be like an isolation and the reference to icy grasp on it is really good. With the use of the word 'dormant' I can imagine that it is nearing the end of winter. "whispered wings awaken" suggests the first dawn of spring. I can almost feel the sunshine; you have chosen some really neat ways of putting this together. And then it is mid-summer and you feel the loss of that long ago friend...and again, you have conveyed the feeling of dread, dreary, and hopeful. It's a peaceful, thought provoking read. I have trouble with lines like these: murkiness of an obsidian dawn cloudless cerulean skies because they cause me to stop and ponder, stop and try to imagine... and words like this one are too outdated to be truely enjoyed while reading. whilst These are just a few thoughts for you to consider. I like the way you can take a tiny thing like an insect, and use it to display your inner thoughts. That's very creative! Smiles! Ellen	2006-07-06 17:07:10
Temper's Song	hello haveaniceday	Hi Barbara. Wow. I am breathless. I nearly skipped giving you a critique because I don't feel qualified to do it justice! I should tell you that I am not familiar with some of your (prophets?): these two in particular- Acerbity Occamy I didn't find a reference in my books, though I am sure most people will know them. I couldn't really look them up on-line without losing track of your poem-so I dive into what I don't know. Even without those 2 definitions I can certainly say that I am in awe. So, I offer my humble opinion. It reads and flows really well. It hints at something higher than the human soul can know without practise. Before burnt bellied days >>this line stands out among the others. Somehow it doesn't seem as 'poetic'. Ask and she'd look askance A subtle shifting glance >>that's really good. Even the most simple minded (smile) will see the clarity in that! Guess grieving gives a gift Humbled as heavens lift Auras and Occamy (I can see the grieving aura) Soft-conscienced consommés Smoke softened air of myrrh (these lines are so picturesque- I love them!) I wish I could give you more, Barbara. It was exciting for me to read. Even without complete understanding I was able to 'catch the drift' and I really like this piece. It definately shows a poetic power at work. Smiles, Ellen	2006-07-05 12:30:24
The Silkiness Of Her	Dellena Rovito	Awesome title, Dellena. That one really drew me in. Your design is simple with each line rhyming. It gives it a song-like feel. I hear sighs from the breezes in the trees. (that's really good!) Zigzagging their way (hard to picture-could they be wafting, or lofting or something?) seed and earth romance-cool concept! earthly romance, earth's romance I treasure gardens and the rose thereof I really like these lines too. indicative of their creator's love. Overall, I'd say you have written a lovely poem. Nice work!	2006-07-05 11:47:49
Reflection	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	Wow. This is a creative work! I don't know much about you poet, by I can see some very good talent in this piece. I have only one comment as to the structure and flow. I think the thought process might be broken at one point: *reflection lays* I would remove the word 'lays' 'reflection on surface water' is good too. Just a thought. I have nothing to pick on in this poem! I think it is very good. I like the mystery in this one. The ending is just right. It gave me goosebumps! I do think you might want to give it a new title. That's only my opinion. I tend to like the title to be a little more illusive without the abruptness. So, I like titles like- "On the Edge of the Water" or Watching My Reflection" or whatever. I see that your title can have several properties to it, and that's always good. The correlation between the 'water' the 'reflection' and the 'depression' are all good. I don't know if there is anyway to combine all that into a new title, but something to think about. I can't offer any more suggestions! It's well written! Smiles, Ellen	2006-07-04 16:24:02
Within a scale	Thomas H. Smihula	Power, knowledge of facts, completion of a goal without fear A side of the spectrum Selfish, no concern, me, me, me… (do you really see it that way? as a selfish act? I think you could shorten your first line: Power, knowledge, and completion of a goal without fear (it says the ssame thing but flows better?) *** Social looking for acceptance, needing understanding, looking for familiar surroundings Can you use another word for 'looking' on one part of this sentence; rather than using it twice? ******** Robotic, without thinking just following a path without thought… some of these words are redundant; they all mean the same thing without shedding any new light...I don't want to offer too much or I could change your meaning, but you might look deeper into that line. **** Analytical, evaluating all things around, never reaching the end>>>depicts intelligent thinking Without limit to the spectrum Depth never reached; surface the only real encounter, lost in spirit.>>>wow. that's a great line!. *** Each is a form of the person that withdraws from life’s nutrients.>>profound thought! **** Never accepting the inevitable, with open arms…>>good ending too! I like this work. I think it needs a little clarification of a few points. But the author clearly shows talent in dipicting this scene with very vivid images. I likie the idea of showing different 'spectrums' of a personality. The analytical and evaluating kind of throws me off. It seems to be the only point of the spectum that really doesn't fit the character. Of course that is only one opinion, from only one reader. Just a few thoughts on a poem of such deep conscienceness that I am astounded by it! Very nice, poet. I like it. Smiles to you, Ellen	2006-07-02 20:59:27
Now that I am dead	Mark Andrew Hislop	Oh Mark. This is a chilling poem throwing punches at reality. I feel the sense of bleakness through and through. Your last verse ties with your first-never losing track. I understand why kites grip at the sky is an awesome analogy. I'm not sure why kites 'clamber'....hmmm..maybe you will want to change that word someday.... Up a thread, gripping, gripping at the sky (I would like to suggest that you move the first word of the next verse ^up^ as in: Up a thread, gripping, gripping, at the sky (or) I think I do (do? Your grammar teacher would not be happy with that open end-smile) 'the nature of our dust' that's great! I think you could omit the next verse. It's good, but just not that profound. pointless as a goat. Now that I am dead all those veils are wafted from my skin like sunblock, which only let that light in (awesome) 'the toll of life thrums unresticted in my head.'...(I'm not sure-maybe it's the word 'thrums' that threw me off course; or maybe just the whole notion that life is going to haunt me after I die.. "I see" from the next line is good. Better to look on than sorrow over. a sermon rapes the whore it hates, (I love it! sermons have the ability to do that-you have the gift of saying it ever so smoothly. It has that power of a double rhyme with a two edged sword. a mother mine her child typo? Bobbing on air, in a childs hands, on a thread-good descriptive words that again reinforces your title, and the points toward that futility you have displayed. These never dieing children are a cross between a joyful bird and a wicked tyrant. I love the notion of learning humility from the mountains and mercy from the ants. Original thinking, thought provoking. And finally; your truest relection shows itself with; is throw their hands and kites into the sky, bet the chance of our aerodynamics, and discard us that can no longer fly. This last verse is profound and stunning. However, since 'you' are already dead you might consider something like this: betting the chance of our aerodynamics, discarding those (that) (who don't) fly. Simple matter of tenses. I think it would be good to stick with the past tense clear through. This is a really good poem. Your tempo remains as one 'among the dead'. I like the analogy you have created! A very unique and original concept. Sad, but ever so truthful. Hope those few suggestions can be helpful! Smile, Ellen	2006-06-30 11:22:09
Finality	Kenneth R. Patton	Congratulations! What a nice feeling! Your title threw me off. I thought this one going to be a 'wha wha crybaby' kind of read. How delighted I am too see something else. This majot event seems like a new beginning to me. I suppose that's one of those 'half empty/half full' kind of reasoning. Just long enough to be polite...(that's cool! I like the touch!) I closed up my office then turned the key in the front door and started down the walk feeling quite surreal. (I can feel the bounce in your step now) Then I noticed She had a date, or partner maybe (great touch. your descriptions of excited/worrysome are clearly He hid behind a bush and peered out conveyed. The ability to portray a big event with some tiny keeping an eye on her reaction detail is clever and keeps us focused on the finality of it. I called out a greeting and they sat together and watched (they sat and watched...kind of lonely for a minute) as I got in my car “Don’t worry,” a whisper came, “You’ll be fine.” (what a great ending! I wonder who will do the best- you or the cats. Reassuring them is a great way to say 'I'll be fine" This is a fun read. You've said it ever so lightly-that the burden is both great and small. You have included such an array of words that I can feel the anticipation and the dread. Very nice over-all. No errors anywhere that I can see. Another remarkable work from you. I am enjoying your style of writing. Good luck on your new 'adventure'.! (I too am sure, you'll be fine)	2006-06-30 09:34:10
Spanish Moss	Kenneth R. Patton	A real storyteller! I love it. You have a great gift here. I say this mostly because you have pulled an idea through to the finish; you give the reader a chance to be drawn in; you give just enought detail to allow my mind the chance to imagine; and then you slap on some ironic ending that came as such a surprise, I could only laugh and laugh. I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing it. I saw Doug Kershaw on TV last night Remember him? He’s the one who brought Cajun music to Ed Sullivan and thus to us all Real casual, makes a body want to grab a bag of popcorn! He (use his name again) fascinated me then with his jerky scarecrow dance and fiddle playing and his “Loosiana” wailing as he tossed his thick black pirate hair Cool. Now he's gettin' exciting! But mostly it was his screw you haughtiness OK I can pick on this line a little. Maybe 'haughtiness' isn't the best word. You want to convey that concept but with a different word?....OR....maybe some quotation marks to guide the reader in.........But mostly, it was his 'screw you haughtiness' (I think I like the word 'attitude' there) How do you get like that? I wondered We had a swamp out back with a river and woods But no Spanish moss That must have been it...........I love your ending. So straight and forward to the point and then squeezing it down to a long sigh.....a slow recollection of things gone by. hang on sloopy!!! great prose, nicely done! smiles, Ellen	2006-06-27 22:49:18
Constant	Dellena Rovito	Your two line stanza's are right to the point. It's a neat style! Can I comment on each one without upsetting you? I hope so! My intent is not to change your poem, or your style, but to give you some idea's for your next poem! (smile) A windswept sky upsets intent meaning to curl, the set locks went. >>I almost missed that one! My mind first sprang to the 'locks' as a place to hold water. The word 'curl' and 'wind' pretty much put me back on track. It's very creative. Concrete has a written dictate >>very cool! but then it chips, cracks, breaks and flakes. >>can you drop the 'flakes' ? It's redundent and cumbersome. According to map, a path's laid soon athwart comes the barricade >>awesome! I prefer 'path is' rather than 'path's' but that's just a thought. I've never met proper format I wanted this, but I got that. >>>a comic! that brings a smile! I've appointed, numbered and planned; > why the sudden punctuation? yet quickly it revolves to sand. >>I like the order you task and resolve to nothing-ness! That's good. No matter how I rearrange the only constant thing is change.>>this is my favorite! it's ironic how 'rearraiging brings the changing' and yet that is the problem! I love it. It's a cool twist. I like this. Forgive me for saying so, but you need a better title. Some people just number their poems, but I don't like that either. I like a title that draws you in. I had a teacher once who said, "if the title doesn't get you-it's too late." Since then I've always looked at titles differently. Maybe you could use something like...."Where's the Constant!" or "Where is the Constant?" I don't know just some idea's. I like it. Thanks for sharing it! Smiles, Ellen	2006-06-26 21:09:42
Perspective	stephen g skipper	Ah this is awesome! I really like your impressionistic (smile) view! Such vibrant pictures and detailed descriptions that add to the body without distracting the reader. There's a great need for that in today's poets. I thought I'd pick a favorite verse or line but I can't because I like them all! Both grateful for another new day...this line standing alone draws alot of attention, as does = Embodiment of the innocence of a simple life. (greatful) Muscles that are starting to ache from a winters afternoon inactivity, wake me, stiffly, from another’s reality. One of brushstrokes lovingly applied with considered abandon, reckless accuracy imagined ease of virtuosity. A captured moment in an impressionists view of life. I know that verse is intended to tie into the title but...well, you could omit it entirely. It steals the quaintness of the earlier verses, and doesn't 'help' the verse that follows it. Perhaps a new title would solve that dilema. I can't give you any suggestions for a new title. Still, I think it needs something with more 'depth'. We all have our own perspective; so the title doesn't call out to me. Also, I noticed that at one moment you are describing the vibrant colours of tulips, and then it is suddenly a winters day..... I don't mean to tear this up-I really like it alot!! I hope I have given you some tiny bits of help. smiles, Ellen	2006-06-26 15:57:06
I Believe	marilyn terwilleger	Hello again Marilyn! This is a nice work. I love the first verse! angel wings and fairy breath... I think you could do something with 'calm of death'....and the calm that comes with death?...just a thought. I think alot of our poets may consider that a very straight-forward and abrupt end. Perhaps it's better that way. Like I said, just a thought. and trailiing clouds flair....hmm...soft, gentle clouds there?...more for thought. Another rhyming word that you may be able to apply would be 'air'.. Tree's shivering song...wow! that's great! I like the idea of trees shivering. That's unique. And of course, the ending is Perfect!!! I think we share the same belief's. I love this little poem! smiles, Ellen	2006-06-26 15:34:50
Solstice of Suffering	Mary J Coffman	Hi Mary. I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is evident here. I like the poem because it says so many of the painful things that we don't want to face-refuse to face-and yet you have done so in a way that allows me to 'feel' your pain without being 'swallowed up' by it. That's theraputic for us all. I think your second verse is the best. It boldly says what all of us feel at some point. "I quail in my belief" you have found a 'new' way to say it! Please don't let the echo of dispair carry you too far!!! Fate belies it's power onto me...yes that's pretty much helpless, but no fate, no tragedy, no sorrow, can hold you forever. I don't know what has happened to you, but I know that at the end of every battle there is one who wins and one who loses. I pray you are the winner! Please continue to write. You offer the rest of us some reprise from our own sorrows. Smiles to you! Ellen	2006-06-26 14:22:43
Lavender	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	What a sweet smelling little poem! It would be hard to make even tiny changes without taking away from it. I won't offer suggestions for change, but will share with you instead, the things that come to my mind. I like the way each line counts the same number of 'beats'. Eight beats per line, seven lines. An opaue (trail) of mist....hmmmm a little hard to imagine... 'does lie" (second line) seems 'forced'. It's like when you change from normal speech to poetic speech just for the sake of rhyme. Alot of poets do it, so it can't be wrong. It's just a thought for you. Ground, around, abounds....those are good rhymes that aren't 'forced'. I love the idea of blue air--original and enticing! Sent and tint are good choices. They doen't really rhyme, but it doesn't matter, they flow so nicely as to trick the mind. At first I thought that 'sent' was spelled wrong! A cool twist. It's really very nice! I like it. I wish that I could be there in Oct to see that pleasantry! Sounds beautiful! smiles, Ellen	2006-06-26 14:05:52
Secrets	marilyn terwilleger	Well, this makes for an easy read. The first verse is really cool. I never thought about 'flakes' of sun...interesting and original. The very undertow memory Is made of. You could strike just as well by moving the word 'memory' down to become a part of the next line. It's another original! I really like it. There is no untying ...could be followed IN the same verse with: The bonds that bind Like shackles with no key That changes your line structure a bit, consider it ok? In saying that I might as well add: save the space between the last two lines and the final line. It has a feeling of absolute emptiness and dispair-the kind of feelings that only the coast line can bring. There isn't much more that I can say. It's a great poem! I like it alot. smiles, Ellen	2006-06-25 13:53:05
Nightmare	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	This might be a nightmare but you have mad it visible in sunlight. This is a spooky, ominous poem that lingers with this reader. Twinging the pores of my skin. That's a great analogy! Have you ever really felt that? I know I have. I have more than once tried to say that-and you have done it so well. ............. I squinted the world's bulging eyes Spooking me.....This line threw me. The bulging eyes of the world. That could mean a couple of different things as I see it. But I think your meaning is clear and definately felt as part of a 'nightmare'. ................ My blood run cold.......run(s) ..ran..? .................... What has betided to the cosmos? ...after much pondering of these words (and the help of my thesauras)I think I get it. Or at least I have made it understandable from my own perspective! (smile) .................. Are we heading the end of days .....do you need to add 'to' the end of days? maybe not, as it is a complete thought without it. Just a question so you'll know I'm listening.. or gearing back to Triassic era?...nice choice...Triassic era....can a people 'gear back' ? ................. Lo, sprigs wear long faces in prickly heat! I love those two lines! Easy to read, and visual. Suffocated by UV rays. ..................... I didn't notice the jay's cheerful chirrup....I'd have to argue that one with you! Around here it's not the jays that are cheerful with the constant demanding. (smile) How about a finch? they're beautiful (and not extinct yet!) ............ Wren's snapshot has petered out ....that's a neat thing to put in! Wrens are almost a thing of the past and now even your snapshot is old and worn. I like it! ............ Only the croak of frogs heard in Budweiser ad on TV.... LOL This is perfect! A sign of the present and a bit of humor too. This very well could be my favorite line. ............. Behold, Mother Nature weeps! My mind insists that it is only a nightmare....self preservation lends us all to feel that way. I like the way you put it. .......... One thing sticks out at me: sunrays....suns' ray? Can't offer much as a suggestion but it's something to consider. .......... I'm glad the true sun grins at me! ..Hooray! A positive ending and a joyful read. I really like this. This gathered my interest and held me all the way through. Very nice work!	2006-06-24 10:24:15
Pioneer Woman	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana! This brings me back! I love the descriptive words you've chosen. These are my favorites: pastry boards and buckets of lard. Blackberries, roses and "tommy-toes"bloom; wash house, smoke house and coal house too. iron feather beds. (nice contrast) Long straight grey hair pulled back fast in a bun. (you've made her hair beautiful) Twinkling blue eyes ( I don't see alot of twinkling these days-maybe it came from the satisfaction of having completed hard work- I'm glad you included it) wheather beaten face. I like that description. It fits with hard work. I know it's a real face and probably a happy one too. Fried apple pies (too much work for grama's of today) and ginger short breads (oh that sounds yummy) loving made by sun speckled hands..(typo? lovingly ?) Clear, true to life pictures! I like this alot! You've given enough information to shine on the joys of that day, without over-burdening this reader with too much of the 'hard work' of the day. We all know life demanded a strong will and hard work back then. We all have a few pictures in our minds of those things. I'm glad you gave us a clear picture of satisfaction from their lifetimes'.. Don't see anything more to add. I see no reason to change a thing! It's really very good.	2006-06-24 09:43:27
Passage	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	Wow. I like this poem! It has truth, and reeks of pain. Your second verse is absolutely perfect! The third verse reminds us that there is still hope (much needed!)even for that which has been shattered. Your first verse is your weakest. Sunlight dapples splash on purple tint, upon the door.....if this were in the middle of the poem it would be very easy to follow, but not so strong a beginning as this seems to deserve. But you follow it up with an explanation that is very good- of childhood's past torn, weathered soiled and worn You got my interest now! The lines that follow are easy to understand and flow well. I think this is a great poem! If it needs 'polishing' it is only in those first two lines. Very nice. Thanks for sharing! I'm sorry I have no more to offer; it just doesn't need anything! smile, Ellen	2006-06-24 09:05:57
Landmines	Mark Andrew Hislop	Oh another eye opening poem! I really like this. A timely piece of today, from a poets perspective, it's the nicest gift you can give to 'the people'. On what remains of the earth of Eden,>>(I think I want to cry) jackboots rage, jealous for imprinting it with the It of Buber, to Cleanse the World. (I don't need to understand the "it of buber" to know that this is pure violence and ignorance going on) In trenches through our holy paragraphs,>>Awesome! these words punch and sting-very good! the Gestapo march with divining rods to poison water with crouching metal,>>>hmmm..sounds poetic but I can't 'see' this...I understand the intent of these words far better than I can picture them. Of course, I have no first hand experience to help me understand. lime the evidence with myrrh, frankincense, >>>great play on words! and give praise to godless philosophies.>>> a very clear statement everyone understands! Born in the sixth millenium, under the sign of the Processor, we're the freaks of stack-overflow error: now, even sacred words explode behind our own lines.>>you have shared the pain with me, and caused me to see it from an individual perspective. I think alot of people need to see this! This is a news flash for me, having no understanding except for that which is released in the media. Very clear feelings, expressed powerfully. I sit in awe. The graphics in this work sink in slowly as I try to understand. I'm not sure about your line structure, ie., punctuation. I know that some will consider it incomplete, or incorrect, but I think it is fitting for this piece and so I will leave it alone. I am curious though, why did you capitalize "Cleanse the World" ? Rubbish? No way! This is a great eye-opener and a thought provoking read. I would really like to see more of this 'stuff'! Please continue to share!!!	2006-06-23 11:40:00
Meet me in Jerusalem	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark! This is an awesome work. I am left feeling a bit sad. I know nothing, if very little, about the Jewish faith or it's traditions so I am going to offer my critique from the viewpoint of an inept reader. I nearly passed by; feeling less than adequate; but this is a compeling piece! I will share with you what I can see as a poet. There's nothing in the holy city but the tourist precincts of spectres>>>>wow. How sad, and I am afraid, how true. I can sense the dispair. The way you have said this is easy for me to 'see' the Holy City from another perspective. I imagine, when I bend to emboss the pilgrims' headstone with my flinty lips,>>flinty-cool choice of words-I had to look it up! It's fitting! your apparition behind me, hale, whole: when I turn, you wail, or become a wall.>> again, I can only view it through eyes of my own faith, but I like it. It fits my (Christian) beliefs that the choice to ''see' is an option, a statement of faith, that we will see! I believe your intent is to show that all is not well, and that change is inevitable. The flow of your words is good here. You've made it an easy read with a deeper understanding than that which lies open. I like the way the words flow from my tongue. through all your reaching I slip dark like an echo over cobblestones>>very picturesque. I love those few words. They are taunting; calling. They are a reminder of the fraility of humans. You cannot roll back the stone; the sky is black with distance and with cold; there is one last heartbeat; the ghost is gone; and Jerusalem awaits us, again. >>a sky black with distance and cold, in the dessert yet. Strong sentences that leave me with 'goosebumps'. >>>the ghost is gone...yes how empty it feels fills this reader with dread and wonder. >>>and Jerusalem awaits us, again. > the vision of a new beginning, a harder road to walk and still holds promise. I like your ending alot. It is the finality of the new that makes it so 'haunting' to this reader. I hope that it helps to hear from a different perspective. I have offered what I could. I really like the work because it leaves me with a feeling of "oooo".....thanks for sharing!	2006-06-19 10:03:34
Dirt Devil	marilyn terwilleger	Oh yes! I can relate with this! Dirt devils pop up around here all the time. I am also very familiar with tumbleweeds. I'm glad you included them as part of the picture. I know that antelope still roam in Mo and in Ks. It always amazes me to see them standiing in the hot sun. >>>: disturbed only by a sporadic zealous breeze....>>>good images.. A bald eagle soars aloft, eyes in an aquiline head, vigilant for prey >> You really use alot of color. It's a nice touch. I think 'aloft' is too far away from most of todays readers. It sounds right, but you could use 'above' or something like that instead. I love your discription of a dirt devil! So right on to all of us who know what they are! I had a problem with 'his torso' though. I don't know any other way to describe it, but that makes it sound as if it is in some sort of structured body...body parts...etc. As if, when he returns he will have the same form. To me that sort of takes away the mystery. You could add more to that verse, or redefine 'torso' to clarify. spinning like a tiny twisting typhoon.>>>good descriptive words for those who have no idea about the 'lifeforms' of the plain. I enjoyed this poem! I can especially appreciate your discriptive way of describing things with the use of color. Very nice! Smiles, Ellen	2006-06-17 15:35:27
A Spot On The Prairie	marilyn terwilleger	It was the bluest noon in June>>>I want to sing thse lines! Without the slightest hint of breeze I stepped upon the tawny plain Circled by mountains high and steep,>>Do you really need this comma? It seems that you have found the end of that thought, and could possibly be made into a period. In silence I trod with calm and ease.>>>an important point well made A slumbering cabin came into view The sides and roof splintered with age I stepped inside the lazy door>>>This is an awesome picture. I think everyone can imagine this scene, and that is important to this reader. And felt the hair creep upon my head. >>I love the period there. I feel as if I need to get ready for what is coming. Gossamer ghosts hovered above the floor Like every fairy wheel and thread, long Fingers of light shone through the cove.>>ok now I am confused.I can imagine the ghosts lingering above the floor. I'm not so sure about the fairy wheel and thread...Is this a trick on the senses? Also, where did this cove come from? Did I miss something? At this point I started reading it over again just to make sure. No robust phantom lingered there Only sunbeams that danced on silver dust, My hard breathing ceased, my joy increased As I drank of the stillness and peace >>>>>fingers of light and sunbeams dancing...very easy to see..the relief of heaviness is a good touch and a nice surprise. Several times you have used 'double rhymes' as in: ceased/increased and noon in June....they make for an interesting read. They skip through the sentences as if they were not the intended thoughts of the poet. This is one of those times when that works well, since you are going from peace to fear and then to relief and peace again. This is an enjoyable poem! I hope that at least one of my comments was helpful. If you should revise anything please don't stray far from your original text as it is well written. Smiles, Ellen	2006-06-17 15:07:22
Come Walk With Me	marilyn terwilleger	Hi. I promised you a good critique so here it is! Please don't be offended. Before I go any further, let me say that I do like this piece and enjoyed reading it. Your title caught my attention and called me to pick it out rather than just go to the first poem on the list. Such a great invitation and an alluring call. Let's mingle in the wild and shaggy forest >> wild and shaggy...great picturesque words see the majesty of rolling trees as >>another good image...the trees around here don't really roll so I had fun thinking about that. The word 'majesty' is really good here. they rub against an azure sky, with >>I think I may be simple minded but, to formulate that thought I had to stop and think what color that would be in the sky>> leaves that softly scrub angel wings>>awesome! A new thought and an enjoyable one. I might suggest the use of the plural (angels') however it really wouldn't be that helpful if you were to revise. 'Scrub' suggests that the angels need cleansing. Could those leaves possibly tickle the angels? Perhaps lending to their light-hearted and playful prescence? Beside the giddy brooks with>>yes, I can see this clearly and it adds to my enjoyment right here. borders of lichen ophite, see>>now I think I can 'smell' this forest. mystic splendors of cunning corridors >>> wild, shaggy, mystic, and cunning (this is an awesome forest) and rhythmic spasmodic shadows>>are rhymic and spasmodic opposites? this was hard for me to picture. >>mystic splendors of cunning corridors>>very sureal and appealing When the flush of morning folds it's light among shrouded thickets hear the vibrating silence that echoes our fain footsteps >>one typographical err-no big thing- This is my favorite stanza. It reads smoothly and provides good scenic backgrounds. I like the use of the words 'vibrating silence' and 'echoes'.I know that these are also opposites of each other; yet they are easily seen and felt. Again, I must confess to the simple minded understanding of this reader. Feel a rhapsody of wind weaving its way through steep timber tops whispering a syncopated serenade Let's frolic in His festival of awe >>Wow! This is another favorite part, if I am allowed more than one. We are mingling, frolicking, and walking through the day in this majestic place. We have water, wind, trees, thickets. It seems a complete picture. It's easy to imagine being there and 'feeling' the atmosphere. I like the way you keep bringing the reader back to: come walk with me....helps keep this reader focused. It's amazing (and delightful) to this reader that you didn't include long stanza's about the 'people' in this forest, but were able to stay on track 'of' the forest. This way I could put myself into the picture very easily; without the need to make adjustments to 'fit' the 'me' of it. A very enjoyable poem! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read and critique. I hope I have made some useful observations. Of course I don't expect you to agree with all that I said, but if I made one point that you needed, then I have done my job. Smile, Ellen	2006-06-17 14:46:35
My Helping Hand	DeniMari Z.	I like the repetion of those few lines. It makes it all seem so simple a solution doesn't it? And yes, we all drag that baggage around! I love the way you have identified the strengths and weaknesses of man; alone or with God. It's funny how God's instant solution can seem so clear at times and so untouchable at other times. You have reminded us 'how and when' God responds and the strength in His guidance. You have good cadence, sing-song like flow and appropriate rhyming. It's a nice piece!	2006-06-14 17:08:03
My Love For You	marilyn terwilleger	And if the nightingale will sing my call....can you use another word for sing? you have used the word twice in the first refrain. The angels will rejoice in heaven above...did you intend to force this rhyme? perhaps it is not necessary to mention that the angels are in the "heaven above", as that seems redundant. I think your poetic voice could possibly be better shared there. Until I hear your ode and soul’s repose For lovers have but only one true course.. ...this is my favorite part.It flows with more originality and is deeply felt by this reader. It seems as if this is the true meaning of all the thoughts combined. The true course of lovers. That is a good thought! You kind of kept me guessing as to where you were in your journey. At first I picture the shore line and the sirens of the sea. (feels sad). And then I think that I have missed something because you are drifting over the mountains cliff with some purpose. (feels hopeful). But then, the sun cries, and the stars leap. That takes me back to the sadness of the beginning. Your last two lines are really good. You have taken the 'soul' of the poem and added it all up as if nothing can stop you. You have good sentence structure and rhythm. I think you might find a timeline that your readers could more accurately follow. I find it hard to 'picture' your words in a lot of places, and then you are very descript in other places. A timeline can do alot to help a poem follow through. From the beginning to the end; as in the passing of the day (or night). In the early lines you allow for the 'choppy' waves to carry the reader astray, but later it feels harder to 'locate' you. Please don't allow my critiscism to deter you. You asked for a little nit-I think I may have given you too much! I wouldn't mention these things at all except that I think you could make this one really 'flow' with just a little work. Good luck!	2006-06-14 16:29:39
KaKaKachina	James C. Horak	This is a lovely piece. I think I feel those telling roots as they wrap about eternity. I like the feel of the completed-ness-(sorry, I have no other word!) -the solidity and the liquid brought together feels complete, yet somehow keeps me waiting for that which is coming,as if there is still some stirring left to be done. As a mark upon eternity and a reminder of the what we can leave behind, this is a reflective poem, with many deep waters and airy truths combined. How cool! I really do like this work.	2006-06-14 14:53:49
Alcohol Poisoning	Mike j Hoffman	Oh yes! Well said! I give you an A+ for clarity because I (even I) could follow your meaning all the way through. It staggers in line length and rhyme just as it should. I like the 'on the inside/on the outside' views. Funny you didn't mention that 'great porcelain throne' where you might lay your head (lol) Maybe that's the beauty of it's absence- I kept waiting for it-and I'm glad you didn't have to visit that infamous hall of fame. (smile) It's a great read and a reminder too...thanks for posting this!	2006-06-07 11:39:03
Reminiscences	April Rose Ochinang Claessens	I beg him with tears of blood that can melt the iceberg of the Arctic or even the heart of Hades. My bosom expands day after day with prayers that only my soul has the courage to whisper o wow! strong thoughts conveyed here! I had to read this stanza over again to find it's depth, because it is so very deep! I want to share with you how I found it's fullness. I beg him with those same tears of blood that can melt the iceberg of the Artic or even the heart of Hades. Selah! My bosom expands day after day with the prayers that only my soul has the courage to whisper. Very nice expression of your soul!	2006-06-06 17:27:03
Orchids of the Imagination	stephen g skipper	I love it! I love the way your words touch each other ever so gently. I do see something that you might consider; such a tiny little thing, but that is after all what flowers are made of. May I suggest that your truely exotic bloom might be 'opened' instead of 'grown'? Or perhaps 'recognized'? etc... Some flowers do appear to 'grow' blooms (sunflowers for instance)but the romance of the bloom is when it 'just happens' one night while you are sleeping. Thank you for sharing this lovely tribute. With only a little effort, I have suckled with nature. Thank you! To truely offer my critique by defining the structuring, I must admit the flow and the rhythm might be a bit jagged. You might consider line length and punctuation for a real make-over. But be careful not to lose the natural beauty of this poem.	2006-06-06 17:10:05
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