Loren Laird Burris's E-Mail Address: hershel_red@yahoo.com
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Below you will see ALL of the Critiques that Loren Laird Burris has given on The Poetic Link.
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Displaying Critiques 1 to 1 out of 1 Total Critiques.| Poem Title | Poet Name | Critique Given by Loren Laird Burris | Critique Date |
| Cutting | Jana Buck Hanks | From Loren, Firstly there is an amazing reality to this poem, for me anyway, and on the definite plus side the motives behind the behavior are here('pain', 'rage', 'guilt', 'sorrow' with all their implicit accompanying feelings). The imagery surrounding the act ('rage tracks' and 'pin stripes') is haunting, but have you thought of a repetitious device? Take the same image ('pin stripes', for example) and use it several times with differing emphasis, altering the image just enough to retain the impact and yet supply a something fresh with the repetition, a different aspect of the emotion or imagery? For example: stanzas two and three could be treated in such a way that such a repetitive device centering, say, on the dichotomy between what's outside (toned, tanned skin) and the inward (reality/based bracelet beads of sorrow). Perhaps you could add on to this, or increase the number of lines to allow for more description. While I'm thinking of it, I must also say that the use of alliteration in single lines in the first three stanzas is heavyhanded. When i write free or blank verse, i try (TRY! is operative) to spread alliteration and sometimes consonance more evenly, perhaps establishing a word and plunging into the effect on the next line, say of a couplet. Have you thought about taking some of the loose ends and tying them in such a way that, instead of many skeins of observable phenomena, you have something that retains a poetic freedom with a more obvious narrative focus? I hope some of this is helpful. Take care! L | 2005-05-22 16:05:53 |
| Poem Title | Poet Name | Critique Given by Loren Laird Burris | Critique Date |
Displaying Critiques 1 to 1 out of 1 Total Critiques.
If you would like to view all of Loren Laird Burris's Poetry just Click Here.