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Displaying Critiques 1 to 1 out of 1 Total Critiques.

Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by david m pitchfordCritique Date
Barren GroundJames C. HorakWhile there is no viable sentence in the first stanza, it is descriptive. Why use caps and periods at all? I find it distracting when anyone uses sentence punctuation in text other than syntactically viable sentences. Perhaps you could rebuild the lines by reincarnating the verbs you've deadened: "Despoiled into tidiness, grotesque shapes of glass obtrude." is not only a viable sentence, it is more animated for having a true verb in verb tense. Otherwise it seems to me a dead and horrid image - one I'm not interested in investigating any further. "Unchangingness" is a rather awkward contrivance meaning "stagnation" or "static"; I suggest finding an alternative. Again, it makes me slog through as a reader. I want to move through the images and feel what's there, not just sit in the car and gaze at baren slums where something interesting might once have happened but is not at present doing anything. I can't tell what's trying to happen in the second stanza. I see a verb or two trying to pull something together, but it's still void and amorphous. What are "matters solemnly unhesitant"? Why slow down for "the knowing of . . ." instead of just moving straight into "know self's purpose"? Why is God's fimament 'momentless'? Do you mean timeless or of no importance? I actually like the ambiguity. Is it deliberate and does it serve a purpose? Why a period after sparrow? I like the last stanza, but I wonder why it doesn't stand alone. What if you were to cut "While" and go from there? "Wrought with menacing tower"? Did you mean power? I'm getting a confusing reference to Babel here from tower. I kind of like that, but I'm still working too hard to get to the sense of it. "Who finds no warmth this night." jars me. Up to this point, I'm kind of feeling like God's Child has given up hope. As such, I don't think he deserves a strong verb (finds). Perhaps "lost to all warmth this night" would work better for me. Overall, I think this verse deserves attention. It feels as though the poet is trying too hard to stay out of the poem, and to me this injures it. With a few more tweaks, it could be a really terrific poem.2007-02-17 17:51:00
Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by david m pitchfordCritique Date

Displaying Critiques 1 to 1 out of 1 Total Critiques.

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