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Below you will see ALL of the Critiques that Dan D Lavigne has given on The Poetic Link.
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Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!Displaying Critiques 1 to 20 out of 20 Total Critiques.
|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by Dan D Lavigne||Critique Date|
|My Tribute To Dave||DeniMari Z.||Grateful to another year geared to leave behind memories to be left around the dark doors in my mind I was chasing arced rainbows slipped delicately on dreams I imagined mine Career – A new love, Deni, First let me say that any work from the heart is sacred and right. I used to shy from poem submissions where the poet asked for help, because, I mean who am I to reach what you are striving for with your words. But I will give'er a go. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grateful to another year geared to leave behind memories to be left around the dark doors in my mind I like this. It starts of gratitude then takes a dark turn. One suggestion I would make would be something like, Grateful to another year geared to leave behind memories left around the darkened corners of my mind ===================================== I was chasing arced rainbows slipped delicately on dreams I imagined mine This is a hard one. It seems incomplete. Not sure what I would do to fix it. The only suggestion I can find here is only partial. I would change arced to faded. Not sure what to do for the second line though. ===================================== Career – A new love, A miracle building my heart was light I like this, it really captures the peaceful feeling of knowing it will work out. ===================================== Then plague a burning rash formed between nights of dreams both were slashed from my sight Again, this seems incomplete. I like what I think your getting at, but I think it needs another line to complete. Maybe rewording the first line and adding a forth would bring flow and completion to this stanza. ===================================== Spent of shine if beauty travels with time all of God is flawless beauty I like this, but would probably add something like, "in creation and design" as a forth line to round it out. ===================================== Disdain mirrored my view clutching wounds of pain Alone I love this line, it the poem I find it awkward to fit and again, maybe incomplete for the poem as a whole but complete as a stand alone. ===================================== Where softest inner secrets layer all pure protection sheltered me from this dangerous fall This is nice, the only thing I would consider here is maybe changing softest to softer to help with flow. I like the piece in all and would love to see it once you have fine tuned it to your liking. Dan||2010-01-03 11:21:05|
|Colors of Aah!||Donna L. Dean||Donna, THe title is spectacular. I love it. "The colors of Aah" Very exciting. I love your flow of descriptions,"like a pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil." the contrast of color and texture, the addition of the slow motion as the drops. This adds to the splendor of this peice. Very nice rhythum scheme. I also like your use of hard consenants vs. soft. very nice peice, Thank yopu, Dan||2003-10-23 16:07:40|
|Suicide Bomber||Sergio M chavez||Sergio, I had to take a few extra moments to read over some of your other submissions here to get a better grasp of your technique. For the shock value I think this piece is a bit over drawn. Sometimes less is more and in this case I think you could have accomplished a stronger grasp of the rage with a different approach. Lines 16, 26 and 27 really help to loose the consistant flow. When you break away from the reptition of the early lines you loose the sense of flow. May want to experiment with fitting those lines into the lyrical flow of the rest of the peice.Other than that I think it really does well to give us a view of the "spontaneous shooter" that we would here about in the news one day and is forgotten as a fool the next. Good description. Thanks, Dan||2003-10-23 08:57:56|
|Dewdrop||Donna L. Dean||Donna, Very nice in its simplicity. I think this is a special peice. Normally I would not critique this poem but I feel as though it reaches a place that rhyme and rhythm just does not go. "The dew that dripped from the tree is now on You have fond a nice peaceful place here where tranquility superceeds neccessity. Would a blade be interested to how this piece would look in a different structure, but I am sure that of grass would take away from what you were aiming to achieve with this peice. in front of me." "I watch it as it holds its place on the top Again, I would love to see what this would look like maybe broken into stanzas. It would as if leave room for growth of this peice and leave room for the loss of self that the sliding in sliding down would cause. I really like the simplicity of this peice. down it would lose itself." Thank you, Dan||2003-10-20 16:23:27|
|Nightmare||Donna Carter Soles||Donna, Nice peice. I have always liked darker less common topics. The opening line is strong and stark. I love the use of the solid "D" in darkness. The second line seems to be missing something. It seems bare and kind of incomplete. "And then light...appears" maybe something like "sharp, blinding light...appears" getting away from "And then" which I think creates a void in that line for you. "Like a demon upon my presence, Waiting...waiting To turn the good of light - Into a burning abyss." Absolutly splendid. The solid "D" and "P" followed by the double "W"'s adds a rhythmic flow at this point and leads nicely into the solid "B" sounds of "Burning Abyss" The rest of the peom has a nice dark flow to it. The reader can almost feel the urgency in the subjects circumstance. The rhythm scheme is solid to the end and it is a nice read. Thank you, dan||2003-10-16 14:03:30|
|Forever Daddy||Jordan Brendez Bandojo||Jordan, I am going to go against my critiquing rule. I am going to make some personal comments about this peice. This is absolutly beautiful. This brought tears to my eyes in rememberance of my own father and saddness for my ailing father in-law. This was, again, beautiful and I see absolutly nothing wrong withit in rhyme or meter. i wish I could convey in words how this peice made me feel, but words would not do justice. Simply, Thank You, dan||2003-10-16 11:48:45|
|An Act of Fate||stephen g skipper||Stephen, let me start off by saying that I really like this peice. I think it is very emotion filled and descriptive of the strongest of all loves, that between two people. With that said, The first stanza was a bit tough to read. It seemed abit choppy and incomplete.Seemed to lack the rythm that most of the other stanzas held. The second stanza is absolutly brilliant in its simplicity. I love the way you used fate and faith to play off from each other. It heightens the emotion of the stanza. The rest off this peice tells a story of the unknown and uncertainty that we all face together yet alone. The only other thing I saw that led me to a question was the first line in stanza five. Did you intend on a double "a a" or was that a type-o? It could be used that way with a pause, it would add a level of fear, uncertainty and emotion to that line. very nice peice. Thank you, Dan||2003-10-16 11:41:19|
|Haiku: Warnings||Darlene A Moore||It is so refreshing to see others stepping outside of the "Haiku" boundries, though I am finding that for evryone that uses a varient to the "Norm" there is a name for it. I have heard many forms tossed around, some say Senryus, some mention Renga and still others mention Soji. I have looked into all of these forms and found that they are all "Haiku-like" My thoughts are that if you take a Haiku and make it longer ,than you have made a longer Haiku, but in any case, it is a work of art, and that is what you have created here, a work of art. I like your choice of wording. The hard and soft consanent contrast in the second line real heightens the first set as the triple F's in line five supports the "Venom" in line six. Nice peice. Thank you, Dan||2003-10-16 10:12:03|
|japanese verse 28 (Rose)||Erzahl Leo M. Espino||Nice description. I like your choice of wording. "Crimson as a wine" -Very crisp and clear. Refreshing visual, the hard "C" complements the soft, smooth "W" to add a nice even flow to the first line. "Filled in the glass of season" -very nice perspective. A beautiful frame for your piece. "Drunk by its beauty" -very nice play on words. This line holds a double meaning that is easy to read into. The first, keeping within the context of your chosen subject matter with the "Drinking of the wine". The second, simply being "Drunk" by the beauty of the rose. Very nice . A pleasent, easy read keeping well within the structure of a Haiku. Thank you, Dan||2003-10-16 09:48:50|
|japanese verse 26 (Camel)||Erzahl Leo M. Espino||I like the way this rolls right off my tongue, "Down the barren land" Good visual of the vast deserts. "Treks the gental traveler" definatly invokes a unique vision of Camel. "Carrying the hills" Nice ending. I may have used "Burdend by the hills" to keep the word count in line. Other than that, very strong Haiku with good 5/7/5 form and structure. Thank you , Dan||2003-09-30 14:16:34|
|Untitled||Andrea M. Taylor||Nice 5/7/5 form and structure. I like the use "Disjointed ripples" very descriptive and creates a good visual. Starting each line with a striking sharp consenant brings a vibrant view through this piece. It seems that Haiku's are becoming the new trend, I have always enjoyed this form of poetry and have been inspired to write more myself. Thank you, Dan||2003-09-30 13:39:39|
|(haiku)||Donna Carter Soles||Not to state the obvious, but it could use a title. I like the flowing use of the "Ss" in the first line. Starting the second line with "The" and using "shameful" takes away from the piece, maybe consider "Lost, dreadful prices of war" "Earth mourns their demise" is a nice line. I like the blend of soft and hard consenants. A nice solid ending to a nice,well formatted piece. Thank you, Dan||2003-09-30 12:03:02|
|Untitled||Claire H. Currier||I would change/add/or suggest absolutly nothing for this piece. This captures the true essence of love. Nice 5/7/5 form. "When wrinkles are joined Your eyes still shining brightly" The love and beauty behind the age of a lifes experience. And the last line a beautiful in its simplicity "Peace, love, joy remains" Very reminiscent of a love shared by two throughout the years of a lifetime together. Thank you for sharing this one. Dan||2003-09-30 10:26:17|
|Perfumery (Tanka)||carole j mennie||Nice form holding to the traditional 5 lines of 5/7/5/7/7. Nice for a first attempt. I felt a little of a struggle reading through aloud. Not quite sure what I would change to make it fell less cumbersom. Otherwise, nice form and use imagery. thank you, Dan||2003-09-30 10:18:36|
|Eagles (Tanka)||carole j mennie||Interesting take on Tanka. Nice brake from the 5/7/5/7/7 form. I like the rythum scheme here with the 3/5/3/5/5. You paint a nice picture of a young boy coming of age. I also like very much that you have used more than one stanza. This piece is a refreshing break away from the typical Tanka and/or Haiku. So often we think that we cannot deviate from the set form, it is refreshing when we see that we can. Thank you, Dan||2003-09-30 10:02:34|
|japanese verse 24 (Old Age)||Erzahl Leo M. Espino||I love the content. Though I would argue that growing old has a beauty of its own, I understand the feel of this piece Not to certain as to the use of "When" to open the first 2 lines. I maybe would have used a solid consenant for the opening line, maybe someting like, "Times beauty is lost" and I my have changed the last line to reflect a more personal feel, something like, "Our wisdom is gained" I like it the way it is, it is just the all the "..en"'s starting off each line feels a bit awkard. Thank you Dan||2003-09-30 09:47:01|
|Silhouette||Andrea M. Taylor||Wonderful description. Reminds of my Grandfather who raised me. His body was aged beyound his years. "Gnarly twisted tree" Very nice use of sound contrast between the softness of the "N" and the sharpness of the "T"'s "Bent not broken as storms pass" Out lasting the trials and enduring lifes cycle. "Showing your wisdom" Nice complement to the whole piece. Summing it all up to a nice ending. Very nice 5-7-5 cadence Solid Haiku with substance. Thank you, Dan||2003-09-30 08:39:39|
|Leaping Lizard||marilyn terwilleger||Nice little Haiku. I can see imagery of the regular hustle and bustle of everyday insanity to keep up with the needs of life, to end up in the same place every day. The mundane and the obscure. The only thing I might change would be changing "The leaping lizard" to "A leaping lizard" lending it more of a general direction than a specific direction. Dan||2003-09-29 13:50:16|
|Nativity||carole j mennie||Splendid. The obscurity is very interesting. I love the choice of subject matter. The symbolistic visualization is a refreshing taste of morbidity. Excellent cadence and rythum scheme. Making reference to the cosumeristic values we as a society put upon our spiritual beliefs adds a realistic view of this piece. Not quite sure about the monkey though? Thanks Dan||2003-09-29 13:18:18|
|Castles of the Sea||Donna L. Dean||Donna, This poem is clear,crisp and blunt with such dark undertone. I enjoyed the imagery, I could nearly smell salt water as I was reading. I enjoyed the long/short tempo that you have created. I absolutly love the contrast of the last line. The depth of this piece more than creates the visual effects in such short form. The lack of punctuation and capitalization adds to the asthetics in its simplistic, natural form. very nice piece. Dan||2003-09-29 12:32:53|
|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by Dan D Lavigne||Critique Date|
Displaying Critiques 1 to 20 out of 20 Total Critiques.
If you would like to view all of Dan D Lavigne's Poetry just Click Here.
Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!