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|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by Ellen K Lewis||Critique Date|
|The Dance||Joe Gustin||Hello. I can hear the rhythm that keeps you dancing in this piece! I read it with a cadence that sounds a bit like a chant and I can feel the 'drumming' of the dance. That's a true compliment my friend! Your voice here is resounding and your point comes across very well. You definately need spell check-dont we all - smile Its hard to say about your use of caps. I know there's alot of freedom in poetry. I think a good rule of thumb is to use a cap when the sentence begins a new thought-or where you might naturally pause in conversation... but there's your license to do as you please. ~smile~ I like your style. Its a good poem. I hope your dance is exactly what you want it to be! smile~ Ellen||2012-11-16 21:45:51|
|To Reach the Shore||Thomas H. Smihula||Hello Thomas. I like this work. I can feel the fog and the chills! I feel desperation rising. One word for you though- there are a few places where the rhyme was 'expected'...that is, 'crave and brave'..You might consider using 'surprise' words more often. :) No other suggestions! I like this.||2012-11-14 12:37:24|
|Ode To Annie Adams||Joe Gustin||Hello, Joe. I love your style! The first verse is my favorite. That is profound.!! what a thought! I really like that. The second verse is nice too. I have a thought about the 3rd verse though. Its a petty thing, I know, but if you think about it, ~time doesn't really tic ~ but people use that all the time. I think the pulling apart is a good thing; maybe time creates distance or something. A typo, I think, in the 4th verse, on the 4th line. Your final verse is creative and uplifting! I like it! I like the whole piece quite a bit. Thanks for sharing it :)||2012-10-28 21:19:01|
|Dying Winds||cheyenne smyth||Like sitting at the bed side, I felt these words through and through. What awesome ways you have of expression! I love every single train of thought..and that leads me to one sugestion. Eyes hide in antique lines tears cascade where echoes keep memories safe ^^ ok now that is good ^^ but for me I would read it as this: Eyes hidden in antique lines tears cascade where echoes keep memories safe. seem trite like whispers washing away truth ...I have been at the death beds of too many a friend and family, and know for certain this description is intensly involving and ~ perfect ~ perhaps the most important thing in the last tired moments of old life.. So my only suggestion then is to arrange your lines with more structure. Sorry not alot of help! But I am fed by these words. It is a comfort to know that it is always the same, always the order of things. Being a part of that is a good thing. Thanks for sharing this! and in October too! :) smiles ~ Ellen||2012-10-23 02:45:51|
|I have no right||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Medard, I hope your love has a chance to know these things about you. I hope where ever there is love you shall find it. Keep writing. It sounds so very angry...anguished..lamenting.... but it needs to be said, does it not? Can you channel it into words that lift you up and make you feel better?? Just my thoughts. I hope you dont mind my saying. Still smileing! Ellen||2012-10-23 02:25:41|
|Picturesque||cheyenne smyth||Ah, Cheyenne, its that secret moment when your muse sees through, that you capture time and time again, with your pen. I stand in awe. I sit with my eyes closed and try to imagine that great yellow orb scrubbing my mind free. I cant help but think "how awesome this picture" and I see your titles purpose. Its a great work! I wish there were more here this month to see it! It deserves attention. ~smile~ Ellen||2012-10-18 19:38:39|
|Beautiful October||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||This is a great expressive piece! I love the ending. Your lines are clever and fresh. Your title is tantalizing. the death and hibernation .....omit 'the' and make this one line? of life winter forebodes its cold-hearted presence......word choices made this idea a bit of a 'bump' in reading. I dont really think you need this thought ? maybe it's an extra line that could be removed? But as I said .... this is unusual and perfect for its punch! Fitting too as it brings the thought back Beautiful October I welcome you and I fear you .....I stand in awe .... This is a masterpiece work. I really like it. Those few things I offer because it really doesnt need anything. Its good.||2012-10-12 02:58:37|
|The Metaphor||cheyenne smyth||I wandered till I came upon the glade used for summer festival’s dance remnants of scorched grass and trampled earth were still prevalent and stumps served as benches where I sat to remember you painful and sad in its exactness I think 'exactness' is less effective than might be 'vastness' ? Either way, a place that this one can make you feel either very small and insignificant, or the opposite; make you feel like a giant invader. Your words make it easy to picture and mixes my emotions up. I think its a good one I threw a stone at the nearest watched it flutter up and down again I ached in love and let myself wallow << you should bring those two lines down, let them stand alone there in the metaphor before me as the whole thing falls into the picture. (I love the line with the trees's-cloaked in wait and the crows all gathering there. This is a very nicely done work! I hope that alot of people get to see this one! If not, submit it again because it is really good. I enjoyed very much !||2012-10-11 00:50:38|
|Bitternut||Mary J Coffman||Hi Mary! I came to this piece wondering what Id find inside. The title pulled me in, and then I realize it doesnt really 'say' anything....it just calls...
Your first verse is really good. Thats a great discription.
nothing left to glean <<<||2012-10-04 23:18:33|
|Good Night Darling||Rene L Bennett||oooo ok! in the honor of the season and in tribute to Edgar A Poe.....I enjoyed this. You should start with some "warning! some readers might be shocked or scared!" From this writers point of view- Just to justify your lie. You used the same word twice....maybe ...just to satisfy your lie? or....only to justify your lie... But that is one thing. Your rhymes are 'tight' but not forced. Your tempo makes the words whirl. Thanks for sharing it!||2012-10-04 23:06:58|
|Faith||cheyenne smyth||hi Cheyenne. I'm gonna poke around with this a little. Hope you dont mind ~smile
Faith is a blessing for sun after a drubbing rain
when every face is turned upward
~I love this picture! I dont know the word 'drubbing' but I like it. Fresh, as rain should be.
Not to be toooo picky, but are you sure about your definition of a Cardinal's song? I think most people think of that bright red bird as a delightful song bird. I think of it as a clear, crisp whistle...||2012-10-04 22:46:18|
|Women||cheyenne smyth||Oh yeah! You got me going!
I think you wrote this with so much passion that all the 'laws' of poetry went right out the window!
an(d) redesigned every decade <<||2012-09-30 01:17:14|
|Quantum Picture||Jordan Brendez Bandojo||Hi Jordan! What a delightful change of pace you've offered. A unique- and original- approach to theory. The open style is perfect for this! I like the title. I also like the way you brought the end back to the physical realm. The joy expressed there makes it all 'real' again. You've inspired me with some news thoughts today! Sorry I cant offer more than this. I cant see any reason to change anything. I'm glad you shared this! Its good. ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-09-17 13:53:36|
|the last sorrow||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Hello Medard. Such a dark and doleful thing that my heart lays heavy as I search for something bright here, perhaps hidden. But I find nothing. No hope, no redemption. Just the knowledge that something was lost, wasted. It seems there may be a whole in your life somewhere. I hope that your own musings and writings will help you fill the void. Remembering that the fullness comes from you-from inside of you- and not from the world outside who imagine they understand. Thanks for letting me see in. I hope that your joy is coming full circle, back to you again. ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-09-06 19:16:45|
|Daily Bread||Mark Steven Scheffer||Hi Mark. I like this. It says what you believe in without being 'preachy'... this is helpful to me as I dont feel the need to cross-reference scripture. (smile) Your work does have that effect on me. You're always making me think deeper into the Christian experience. I cant help but mention the 3rd verse. Isnt forgiveness a wonderful thing? A Holy Book in one hand, and a cigarette in the other? The irony really caught me! I think that the last word, being in caps, adds a nice touch to the finality of it all. I think there is only one death that would steal a smile, right? Keep up the good work! ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-09-06 19:09:04|
|For The "Good Guys"||Mark Steven Scheffer||OOOO MSS....
Its an awesome work. You got this reader fired up!! You set me up from the beginning, with "good guys" and Father Tom....
I like the way you brought the unmentionable thing right out into the open without ever stating the thing! You admission not to mention it is a pretty good point!
shit, you went and mentioned it
Very clever. A surprise smile in the midst of what I anticipate to be anguishing. It gave me time to take a deep breath and adjust my attitude as I continue reading.
it's the secret that ain't a secret. ||2012-09-03 23:12:11|
|East of Eden||Mark Steven Scheffer||Awe, another sharp tongued write! I am most impressed with your ability to speak candidly and get it all out in the open. A harp and a book ~ are you sure you want to use the word 'poetry? I love it being 'akin to nothing' ! it is the suspension of belief, not disbelief. I know alot of people who would agree with that! I like the way you said it. it is not the way to go, this going away another great wording! Im glad I read this tonight. After having just read another of yours, I can feel the pattern and the urgency in your message. Shine on, poet! Ellen||2012-08-29 19:21:55|
|Rest||Mark Steven Scheffer||Oooo strong and feverish! I like the repetitive line. It works well here. Your message is delivered! just a couple of things for thought ~ pinprick>> a bump in the read for me. I had to say it twice to make sure that I got it! That was a slight interruption in the flow....could you have used 'glimmer' or something? >if it falls on the shadow side of the balance,< just thinking, now, just a thought that comes to me. I don't like the word 'balance' very much. It feels opposite of the truth to me. How about something like this- if it falls on the shadowed side of the soul but that was your great misprision. < that is awesome! I love the word 'misprision' even if you made it up? no matter, as it fits perfectly. I like this work! This is very nicely done.||2012-08-29 19:12:15|
|Maple Tree||cheyenne smyth||Ohh Cheyenne, your feelings are deeply felt by this reader as your words are vivid and the picture is quite clear. Jeweled glints Jeweled glimpes of sun of sun enshroud maybe enshroud the misery of my soul the misery in my soul the golden memories live on with golden memories that live in shadows in the shadows of my mind. of my mind ^^just a thought about this verse. To me it is 'cluttered' and requires poetic license to read....like I said its just a thought. I love it overall. It is perfect timing with the maples as fall approaches. The whole thing feels of it and I like it alot!||2012-08-23 16:47:49|
|Grackles||cheyenne smyth||Oh, thank you for a fresh insight into a 'troublesome' bird! Around here (kansas prairie) they are so pesky that the city fires blanks to shoo them off the downtown streets! I have admired their beauty, despised their noise, and always hate the notion of them stealing all the corn and seed! Funny thing, the pretty white doves (Incan, Euroasian) will fight like mad hogs to keep them out. Those birds look so peaceful and so serene, and yet they are very aggresive. Then comes the Grackle, the community of peaceful existance.... You have opened my eyes! Your discriptions are perfect. I especially like the way you describe their eyes. Eyes are not something that you get to look into often-not on a bird anyway. Also the song, you got it! It doesnt sound so pretty tho, when it comes in droves and conceals the true music of the other birds. I needed this fresh approach. I'm a nature lover too but need to be reminded sometimes, that beauty is really everywhere. Awesome and delightful~ Smiles, Ellen||2012-08-14 11:57:20|
|Black Diamond||Donna Carter Soles||Hello Donna. This is the first of your work I have read. I'm really glad I did! This is a great piece! I love to discover 'hidden' wisdom as I read! I like your title, and the way you brought it through to the end. I did find a distraction tho. At furst you use the word 'you' but later switch to 'his'. I had to ponder as to wheather there were 2 lovers involved. I like the notion that there is only 1 as I think it brings things together. I read it through as if you were only talking about 1 other. Hope thats what you meant! I really enjoyed this!! ~smiles~~ Ellen||2012-08-07 12:06:04|
|Harvest||cheyenne smyth||OOO Cheyenne this is awesome. It has that profound ending that makes the whole thing enjoyable. After I got to the last line, and I was filled with delight-I went back to the beginning and let it all soak in again. It is rich with pictures and original thoughts. to fill ourselves with silence and stone << yes! good lead into the melencholy of doleful nights and the last harvest. The 'apple tree' is cool too-instead of a pear tree or whatever, you picked the sacred apple. Awesome again. May the 'fruit of your life' come back to your garden with all good pleasures! ~smiles to ya~~ Ellen||2012-07-14 17:29:42|
|and you asked what I want...||Mary J Coffman||Hi Mary! I adore this style! You made it so errotic without using a bunch of erotica! How cool is that? :) I had only one 'bump' while reading. One that jumped out and made me reflect--couldnt place it into my 'definition' or 'perspectise' where stars are born. to brim my empty sky. ^somehow that steals from the rest of the piece. Just my opinion. braille of my breasts ^^original? fantastic! whisper to me all those beautiful lies that I might feel belief. ^how common this feeling! You have said it well. I like it. Your talent shines. Well done! ~smiles! Ellen||2012-07-11 15:19:26|
|Pink Blossoms||cheyenne smyth||Cheyenne! I really like this! This is right down main street (if you will)..a bright parade for all to admire! Excitement in the line that says "earth gone mad with beauty" sends this reader into a dive for more. I just cant say enough about the first verse. 'drifting, 'offering' and 'blooming' are great pictures for your inner garden. And then, in the wildness of it, the heather and grass blow in the wind. The unkept earthly pageant running its own program while we watch and wait. Awesome! Its a well written piece that shares well with the world! ~smiles! Ellen||2012-07-10 11:59:37|
|She Brings||Lora Silvey||~~~~O how to crit by my own rules!!
Sad for me to admit but my mind is just not grasping this....I admit I read it yesterday too. So it is without understanding that I move forward...but the very last line hits hard! I can not figure how it applies but it has enough power of its own to strike a note.
her morning song
her late evening shirts
gathered aboutcalling succor for her daughters
creatures of color--hues of birth songs
^^ I am picturing a mother on a school morning. Proud and busy as she prepares her daughters for the day.
They said, “we mean no harm”, we cooed
holding the diminutive body
quivering in early morning mist—
what are these reactionaries
(does not the blade of grass weep
for the flower shorn of bud)
^^ I am lost. I'm thinking about a baby bird now, and wondering if the girls didnt find one.
the babies utter soft secrets
the ones that lie on toasted leaves
to flutter with mornings
breath—dew glistened, christening…
^^^either these are baby birds enjoying breakfast, or we are talking about insects and not birds at all!
In the face of humanities loss
men of long tooth have given to their cups <||2012-07-10 11:50:34|
|What Terry Has Asked Be Posted Here||James C. Horak||James You must feel like shit. I'm sorry about whatever has happened to you and your place here at TPL. I personally dont know the story-dont want to. But I do hope you find whatever you are looking for, or that it finds you. Good luck! Ellen||2012-07-08 19:10:12|
|My Policy as of.....||James C. Horak||LOL James! It seems you are back :) I can aprreciate a negative critique (occasionally) and if you do read my stuff I hope that you will find at least ONE positive thing and then blow it apart if you will...dont care...so long as you are truthful. Everybody has the right to share an opinion. I dont like to think that none of my stuff would suit you! Its not very dramatic or anything. I am not here to change the world. I am hear to write. Thats what we are all about. Dont care if you are a friend or not; in fact you arent exactly a 'friendly' kind of guy. But you can read all of my poetry and judge it fairly as I know you will. Ellen||2012-07-07 13:05:32|
|Drained||Andrew W. Slick||Oh Andrew! Love is like that isnt it? Passion is both good and ugly and I like the way you put it. I esp like 'she loves to hate who I am'....wow. I think grama and grampa might have gotten that way over the years, but they both just agreed to disagree and managed to stay married forever....cant say if they were happy as grama wouldnt have told if she wasnt. But back to your work. Giving here all the best that is in you is cool! But you also admit that wont ever be enough. You have to decide if you will be content to "love someone who hates you" or to move on... I think your heart knows what you want. I hope you can find a way to follow through! Best wishes to you! Ellen||2012-07-07 12:54:34|
|Lips Whisper||cheyenne smyth||Cheyenne, I admire your style and the way you 'weave' your words. I know you put alot of your life into your work and that is awesome. Having said that, I must admit this piece was hard to read. I had to reread it and put each stanza into place in my mind, trying to carry the thoughts over to the next....In the end I am still not sure how they all fit. Sorry...I think I missed something. But I wanted to express how I feel about it and I hope you dont mind. ~smile? hope so! Ellen||2012-07-07 12:48:33|
|Circles in Time||DeniMari Z.||Hello again Deni. This is so sad its hurting my soul just to understand...as I do...I like the thought of the lightning bolts because thats how I have felt at times. This life has alot of pain and sorrows. For me it is regrets...regrets I didnt do better, didnt change things, wasnt there...etc.. Its hard to remember, and harder to express, but somehow we have a responsibility to each other, to spread some joy around. A little can go a long way for restoring the darkness to light again. Hope your situation is improving!!! I think you have written a well developed free style piece, and your ability to express is obvious. Thanks for hanging in there!! ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-07-07 12:42:35|
|Passions Lamentation||DeniMari Z.||Hello Deni Your piece is a roller coaster! lol I like it because I can feel your push toward the unspoken I really like this: I sigh and regress to the thoughts I thought best ^^ catchy and fun ^^ This is a silly thing but since I saw it, I thought I'd say it. I'm pretty sure most people would never cross their minds so I hope you dont mind me pointing it out. :) >>purely in constant regret.<< I wish that wasnt there! Not pure not constant...!....maybe just sometimes, maybe impure or something. Like I said, its just a thought ~Smiles to you~~ Ellen||2012-06-29 20:37:02|
|Unraveled||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne! This is another great piece from you! This verse is my favorite. It could almost make its own poem-or maybe a haiku. It brings up some good images. I wished to mend the cloth with rainbow thread that binds but tatters depth was laced with frowns that held my soundless soul. And in the end you remind me that this fabric, these threads are imbedded in my mortal dress. I stand in awe. This is great stuff! Smiles~~smiles to you~~Ellen||2012-06-25 00:59:43|
|And Then He Remembered "Fish out of Water"||Andrew W. Slick||Hello Andrew. Nice to have the chance to read your work. This is pretty awesome stuff. If you're working on a book you should go with it. I like the way you closed it...with the beginning again! That makes a good twist. You had my interest all along. Its really a pain to read it this way though. Anyway, let me commend you for going full circle-and in a complete circle- without overdoing your words. You returned to the shower 'scene' to keep the reader tuned in. That is awesome! That is your given talent I'd say. If you go to book format, you'll be able to expand into chapters. I hope you'll follow those same guidelines and go for it! Its good! ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-06-25 00:47:15|
|Soul Sick in Albuquerque on a Bus Lay-over||James C. Horak||Hi James. Glad to see you're back! About this writing....I found something in it to 'feed on'. Probably doesnt fit anyway, but I read it with a fine line, be it my own. I want my 'wrapping' to be silk and I want to stay there until.. I'm not... I know the feel of nothing-ness and have a real sense of 'one' and so I used your words to comfort my soul; believing existance should be free. Ellen||2012-06-23 01:04:48|
|Prey||Mary J Coffman||Ah, original and unique is my impression! I think this is really good. Poet, I do like your style. I have to say that you have left me with a feeling of unrest here. Because I like this so much there isnt much that I could offer for critiscism so I will just say these few things. eyes blinded in suffering can see no asylum. ~~~~ wow! that is profound to me...which I had thought of that one :) But what of the wolves cackling? Do they really do that? I have only coyote to compare them with. I would like to hear more about those wolves. :) thanks for letting me read! Ellen||2012-06-15 23:38:26|
|Appalachia: my home||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Hello Medard. I have enjoyed visiting the Appalachian mountains and have thought I could fit there myself! lol This is a fine piece with lots and lots of pride and admiration. If I had never seen a mountain, I wouldnt know about hollows, and streams, or mines. You put those pic's in and I think thats what brought it home for me. ..ie I moved away from the Liberty Bell, and stepped into your homeland..(figure of speech)..God, drugs and coal...good women and fine churches...and perpetual ancestry...and of course the miners, and the whole of it all, the land. Its awesome that you have such knowledge and insight in your beloved home. Standing on solid ground is good :) !Thanks for giving me a great American pride moment! ~smiles to you~ Ellen||2012-06-09 01:31:52|
|On Prayer||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hello Mark. I'm trying to find some way to relate to this, but struggling. Those first 2 lines could say it all ~~ hmmm...thinking about this door from this perspective changes everything. Lamenting at the door, ashamed...seeking...on your knees.. Blind to everything but yourself, and that an unhappy self! Its well written. It has sound structure and follows through with each thought. You said alot in three short verses and did it in such a way to leave (me) gaping ! ~smile~ Ellen||2012-06-08 00:17:44|
|definition: I get what I deserve||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Hello poet!! your anger slapped me before I realized what the problem is! your words run so fast, its hard not to scream them ! and the hopelessness....ugh yes, theres always that...your self-indulgence is a common course for people when we feel these things that you describe. I have alot of those thoughts myself sometimes so I can 'feel them'... except I never have the anger you express. That is a huge draw that will suck any reader in, and puts the piece into life, more than just a melancholy tale of dispair; its more a call to action with its forceful projections. (better than head banging-lol) I wont say that I'm glad I read. I will say that Im glad you shared those feelings, and that I found them here. I expect your next few writes will reflect these individualy. Im looking forward to your smile one day....~smile~~ Ellen||2012-06-07 00:57:03|
|Nature's Bliss||cheyenne smyth||Awesome Cheyenne! You are allowing the flow of life to spill forth from you and it is a great thing! Your expressions are heartfelt and meaningful. I love the ending-those last two lines are inspiring and powerful. Its a great piece. I like it alot! ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-05-24 00:37:26|
|Monopoly||Dellena Rovito||Dellena, this is delightful! A light- hearted read that everyone can relate to. The last line keeps playing over in my mind....Since you are talking about the present, maybe you could come up with something else that relates to chance...'click of the mouse' comes to mind..LOL Its good to see that you are 'in the game' here! ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-05-24 00:30:29|
|Ticking Bomb||cheyenne smyth||OOOOeee Awesome! These pictures are good! I really like this. If I could circle it with my hand I could darn it like an old sock ~~unique! fresh! and very satisfying too. I love that, like a tiny jewel hiding there. If only we could do that! Wouldnt our love be so much more tender? only as real as words can make it ~~maybe not so original thought, but you made it work by using it at the end of something illusory, and original. I really like this. This is great stuff! I cant say that the title is right for it, or not. Its ....well, its ok but could be improved upon? Maybe something like 'crooked heart' .... ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-05-15 01:44:04|
|The trouble of love||Michael Bird||Hi Michael Theres alot of poetic freedom here in this one! I think its another one that belongs to music-this one belongs to stringed instruments I think! I personally don't think that love should be calm...lol...or that it should come before the storm...lol...just a womans point of view maybe. The whole thing is beautiful and would be welcomed by your girl. I'm certain of that! At any rate, I like your style. I can always appreciate a write that has its own right. ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-05-08 15:33:28|
|Motherly Love||DeniMari Z.||Deni I know your mother has to feel goooood about those words! I can only give you credit for your 'right to poets' or poetic license I guess its called. It doesnt matter if things are 'uneven' when you are talking to mom! I like this and wish I could give it to my mom too :) ~smile smile smile~ Ellen||2012-05-05 13:27:56|
|Transitionaal thoughts: 2||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||OK Medard! Blow me away~ smile~ Your 'lost thoughts' are heavy and weighty. I say, "believe in the answer-not the question". Anyway, I like the ending. "dont try to assimilate my ashes" is awesome. I could speculate as to the meaning of each thought, and come up with different ideas. It makes it a great read, as I can 'manipulate it to fit', but is too vague for a 'good' crit. I wont offer any opinion as to wheather or not I agree. Its the poets rights to express anything and everything! A few typos. Thanks for sharing! I hope you keep working on enjoying the things that are Not given. ~smile~ I have reached the point in life where more is taken away than that which is given. ~smiles to you~ Ellen||2012-05-03 13:56:58|
|Help me I`m falling||Michael Bird||Michael this is beautiful. It doesnt really rhyme anywhere so I call it prose. Actually, it would make an awesome song! There are things you could do to make it more colorful as prose. I'll try to make some decent suggestions for you. Maybe it'll spark something thats real for you, that you could use. In your first line: drop the word 'you'. Just that you are falling is a great beginning. And, you use the same word (you) over and over. You could also drop it on this line: Never really thought I`d meet someone (like you) That way, you could still leave it here: I only want to fall in love with you It seems like that is essential there. But maybe not so much in those other lines. After that, it is well thought out and deserves to be left as it is. Your last verse is really good. It puts a spin on things and it gives you all the hope and encouragement for the future. I really think you should use 'help me I think I'm falling, falling, for you' as part of a chorus for a great jazz piece! ~smiles~ Ellen I like it!||2012-04-26 15:36:16|
|Skeeter's Poem||Mark D. Kilburn||Mark! You really need to give us more information! My imagination is realing with the posiblities. I do think you have some really good lines and some good imagery going on. Your first verse delivers a good message: Harry went wrong. Seems like you tried to say that the hard way! Really, the next 9 lines are like that too. Your caps confuse me and its about half of what you need to say, I think. I like 'the Good Old Desk' but havent a clue what it pertains to. I understand that this is a point where life changed, or something changed. I like everything about vs 3. Its simple and choppy, but I have total clarity to add to the meaning. I just laughed and laughed over poor Harry's Coconut/Lime head! I suppose that shows a lack of compassion on my part, but it is cleverly written and humorous! Again I am confused by the Caps but perhaps they are important to you. Still, it is easy to see Harrys predictament here. Now could Skeeter be of the third generation? And 'me' isnt very clear in that first line of the last verse. Instead of tieing things together you've woven a new thread! There is an irony here. The stages of abuse and the reaction is an underlying theme for something not mentioned. And your words make me think that perhaps all is well after all. Like a whole lot of mixed-up feelings being expressed one at a time. I'm glad you found the middle! Try a rewrite? ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-04-24 00:47:56|
|Geriatric Parade||Lora Silvey||lol lol lol Lora this is great! I love this line about how clever 'they' can be: we of the geriatric tribe are much more clever soo true!! mischievious little old lady's in red hats and purple shirts with things steaming up! And can you blame them? I'm hoping that I'll be one of them some day! lol This is so clever and entertaining. I really like it, it's great! Thanks for the light heart this evening ~smiiles~ Ellen||2012-04-21 00:09:20|
|Monarchs Are Worth Saving||Mark D. Kilburn||Mark this is one of your best!! I adore this! I wanted you to know I read it, even if cant crit! I know this was awhile back but would like to see this kind of stuff more often! oh and btw the monarch caterpillar is a beautiful, colorful thing worth searching through the milkweed for. :) ~smile!~ Ellen||2012-04-18 23:41:12|
|more transitional thoughts||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Another piece of dispair! I feel it too. I think mankind has been fooled for too long! It is time we really do meet the Creator- no matter Who/What....we need to know! Sadly, if a great prophet were to stand up today, most of the good people would shoot him down anyway. They would credit their devil. To give good credit to the soldiers and the family's all the people should be reveered towards them! They are to be honored for standing up to protect their loved ones-no matter what they fight for. It would be so much better if the war did not revolve around a god, and I do not condone war. Forget the old laws and symbols. They belong to a time far gone. Mankind needs new growth for renewal. Servitude has been ill-defined. There is more. Keep some faith, my friend. Be it what it may be, hold on to it. Sometimes the only good thing to happen in a day is when a person with a good attitude comes along and says hello. Maybe God is waiting for us to love each other. And so, we will be here a long time. ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-04-17 14:40:52|
|Class Wars||Mark D. Kilburn||Mark I am quaking inside! These feelings are so strong and so real! I wish I knew more about you as the author, as it would give me 'your eyes'....I'm thinking I could apply this attitude towards many peoples, nations and individuals too. You could be an 'ordinary guy' or a prisoner. You could be talking about a specific race or class of people. I want to read it as if it applys to the author alone! don't take this wrong- but- I dont want to live in those shoes! The land of the poor, the damned, and the mournful. Verse 3 tells me that you are probably American, but not British or Native Indian. I can't personally believe that Yankee Doodle was right (lol). That seems like an irony there. our freedom has always been under attack by the rich and the greedy ...yes. If you are American you can verify these facts of history. You are right. We are who we have always been. and now they are trying to subvert our holy vote >> is this perhaps the driving force in this piece? I wish I knew what you are voting for! It seems like that line needs to push harder. Let this give the reader something to 'chew on', if you will..something to take with me as I finish reading. Your feelings are so strong they are scary!! I hope you get your vote in! ~smiles~ Ellen||2012-04-17 11:51:00|
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