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Displaying Critiques 1 to 47 out of 47 Total Critiques.

Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by David KeeseyCritique Date
The Haunts of DeathDeniMari Z.Demi, nice metre. I love the consonance and the way the lines flow. I suggest changing the first "ever" to "even" to get one more "n" in there and strengthen the next "ever" in the last line. An excellent voice that grieves. Sometimes the greatest pain gives rise to on'e voice. So sorry for your loss. Kind regards. David2011-12-11 10:43:37
SharingPat EaklorPoignant piece. Very well done, especially "shared secrets" for coitus... I belive it is rare to write of being well spent. Kudos. Kind regards2011-05-20 15:40:13
Stone ChurchPat EaklorShort and befuddling. When was tranquility bought? Was the price ancient blood or the freely given sacrifice? Is the tranquility brought on by "time?" Sorry, I'm left wondering. kind regards2011-05-20 15:32:35
A Chruch Standscheyenne smyth A fine poem and your use of imagery. I still feel there are too may juxtapositions in some choice of words. (Do I ever fail to criticize?) In the beginning it's "down trodden" yet finishes "unshaken and proud." While I always love a turn, I feel you have missed it slightly with choice of words and not going for fuller emotionally drain images. (Unlike you.) "Withered rose," while getting the image and emotion across seems weak and not befitting religious fervor or even quaint religious tones. Perhaps it's been over used for "withered love." Maybe an image of an old and worn out bible would be more fitting? Or the worn out overalls of a farmer's Sunday best? I suggest the "farmer's" only because you allude in the following stanza the antagonist of the farmer, "wizened heaps of bony weeds." Even the "broken clouds" speak of missed rain, a farmer's friend. This has the most power in the piece: of hopeful prayer stronger than any nail I so love to read your stuff and am impressed with your gift for imagery. I belive if you kept a theme more true throughout it would even be stronger. kind regards 2011-05-20 15:26:15
Meandering Waterscheyenne smythMeandering the waters flow and fill -> Meandering waters flow and fill, Omit "the" in the second line -> "past bushy plants" The eyes of dawn that flutters over dreams Encroach the shadows born of ebon night -> The eyes of dawn flutter over dreams Encroaching the shadows born in ebon night And sprinkles tears on rocks and silent streams Where currents move beyond the boughs of light -> Sprinkling tears on rocks and silent streams Where currents move beyond the boughs of light The pooling eddies lend me quiet times I need to carry on and live my days -> Pooling eddies lend me quiet times;; I need to carry on and live my days Its murmurs hold me where forever chimes And keeps me safe from crashing rill’s displays -> Its murmurs hold me where forever chimes Keeping me safe from crashing rill’s displays Meandering the waters calm with song And trills beside the shore where I belong -> Meandering waters calm with song Trilling beside the shore where I belong. Ok, please forgive me for my stoic structure yet I felt this poem and your choice was calling for it. Almost like the ripples when a stone is tossed into a calm pond, puddle or lake. A nice read. Sorry if I'm too structured and pedantic. kind regards2011-05-20 15:05:51
Her Namecheyenne smyth"and gathers warmth" -> "she gathers warmth" I think it adds more to the now of the tense. I find "now" a more fitting tense when writing poetry. I think too many fall into third person - past when composing pieces while the reader and narrator should be in the "now." Otherwise, an excellent structured conveyance. 2011-05-20 14:51:51
Toast It!Ellen K LewisI will not give you your say. I condemn all that would make light of this. We have given in to them. We now have Osama's skyline in NYC and he continues to be the headline. It's a media ploy taking away the years and tears toil of our near Midwest farmers that are struggling with floods. I am appalled by the amount of bigotry that is propagated by the women of this world as they are the true teachers of children and kindness. This hatred of those that think America is evil of those that do not follow "their" prophet's teachings are evil and must be eliminated is the true bane of what we have accomplished in this world with technology and peaceful efforts. For shame on humanity for relishing in the killing of one or many. It is not right. We need not promote someone to the status of Hitler when "one" in their own faith never believed Hitler even ordered such heinous crimes against humanity. Now we have a martyr and what good does that do us when his prophecy was one of blowing yourself up for god? Sorry, but the Wizard of Oz is great and should only be used in light hearted works or those of equal merit. Kind regards.2011-05-14 22:36:08
city on the riverMark Steven SchefferDid I not critique this? kind regards2011-04-25 23:56:25
when it was, once upon a timeEllen K LewisI like it but am wondering to the purpose of the third stanza. It takes away from the power of the narrator reminiscing about old scribbles and puts them onto an unknown outsider. Perhaps rework the third stanza to put more back onto the narrator and the feeling about those pieces. I love the meter. It flows as I like to read, but I am strange. kind regards.2011-04-25 23:53:16
Down To Earth WalkDeniMari Z.Demi with the alliteration! Try: Dressed in peasant’s wear of pleasure -> Dressed in peasant’s plume of pleasure suited for searching gems or treasure. -> suited for searching trash or treasure. marvel -> marveling I like how the walk and path narrows. Good imagery. I go up and down as I read. kind regards2011-04-25 23:47:03
Passing ByDeniMari Z.Very well done, Demi. The poem almost reads as a whisper. That "faint voice" that only those that have lost a loved one truly hear and lament. This is one of your best I've read so far. While I've missed some poetic intentions in the past, this one is so well crafted that no one can fail to hear that "faint voice." kind regards2011-04-09 11:36:58
Slipping Awaycheyenne smyth"In dreams flushed" -> "When dreams flushed?" Tie in the phrase to "it was then I heard a poem." Or you could use another preposition that more closely matches the "time" element of when you heard. I like the "fabric" image. "The whisper of sonnets" -> "With whispers of sonnets." Alliteration? "rhyming quatrains" -> "rhythmical quatrains" or something that has more to it than simply "rhyming." Mellifluous, sonorous, sympathetic, or even cacophonous, depending on what is heard. Paint the image with a richer color. "stars dimmed" -> "The stars dimmed." easier flow without the stress at the first syllable. Over all a well done piece on poetic inspiration silently extinguished by "writer's block." kind regards2011-04-09 10:57:51
sheep's taleDellena RovitoAlmost like a nursery rhyme, but I do not sleep as I write this. Perhaps if it were a bit more like a nursery rhyme I may be going, but I can not sleep. The "wringing hands" bring to mind Lady Macbeth but I know not if that is intended. If "tears open flow" are they really sheep? It's a poignant piece but I wonder if the nursery rhyme to completion would be more fitting? I find myself neither sheep nor those that know. Kindest regards.2011-03-22 04:04:48
FireflyMary J Coffman"brief blinding blinks of silence;" -> briefly blinding blinks of silence; It fits with "quickly" in the following line. "to the" is unnecessary. In fact most of the beginning of the ending phrases are not needed since it is as if a firefly were speaking. An excellent staccato as if the narrator were the firefly. Kindest regards.2011-03-22 00:42:43
Remembered Tearscheyenne smyth"the well will not run dry" I think is in the wrong person for the poem. I think the end is weak. I begrudgingly tell you this, this is not your best and I think you should rework it. There are faint similes and metaphors and I know how well you have worked them in the past. I would work on the window, the rain and the tears. That starts off so strong. I look forward to reading more of your work. Kind regards. 2011-03-22 00:34:14
Rantings of the Divided Mind, Part IVMandie J OverockerDamn, another one. You are too much. I will dive right in and slay myself I'm sure and if not you will hate me before this is done. Break the first line after "prisoners." I would rewrite the second to "but if you look too you will find>" I'm already liking it. It makes me want to put my Severity Test up there but I don't want to compete nor think I can. "deep" or deepness? "collide as side by side" or bashed or thrashed instead of the weak "as?" (I am a big proponent of verbs as we are only as what we "do.") "from deep in the well" seems contrived. (Sorry streaming now) End at Sage with the period. "it takes so much" to "it takes too much" I am lost with the stanza between: “Peace will be found! and God damn it! Why aren't they the same in tone and speach? "once its sold" -> "once it's sold" "I told you once my soul is black once its sold no buying back. Did you know life’s worth in gold? One soul is fine but I’m told many from one is rarest treasure" or Once I told you my soul is black Once it's sold no buying back. Don't you know life's worth in gold? One soul is fine but as I'm told Many from one is rarer treasure" I'm sorry I have to just read the rest, I can't go on. You bring to much up and I'm rather tattered. Kindest regards 2011-03-22 00:19:29
Basic Theme For Those Who DreamDeniMari Z.I feel left out of something the way this ends. I feel the brand new day and the "washed soul" of new jeans but am wondering how I really got there. It's quick and to the point and that maybe the feeling when waking which I think this poem is trying to take me, but I know that I can have a life time at that point. I suggest you take this great point and work it further. I don't get the "garden" but almost everything else is right on and just needs a bit more. Sometimes I think you give up too easily for fear of too many words or images. Step back and read it again without knowing. I wish I could. Kindest regards.2011-03-21 23:54:53
TuxedoMandie J OverockerA cute work on a kitty. Your style is easy to read and to the point. I would like to see you rely less on "and" for your junctions. Perhaps use more adjectives or adverbs instead. As the "and" doesn't work in this line, "ever so slowly and nuzzle my face." I suggest you work "curled up in my lap" into another line just to keep the meter and rhyme scheme consistent. Keep the same verb tense in "reminds me what’s true when my eyes seek light." I do question the last line as my cat doesn't quite have the same knack for unconditional love as does Tuxedo, but then again mine is like an old man. 2011-03-01 23:30:54
Pretty ThingsJames C. HorakThis reads almost like stream of consciousness with many inside jokes or alludings. There are many lines like "Cap and bells, the poet's trade, the rattle of a tin cup," that have strong melody yet others like "Where we tie a thread that stays tied, to even moving bullets," that fall flat. I think "soul" in L3 should be possessive. Should "seeping" in L7 be "sleeping?" Many fine images. The poem ends stronger than it begins. Kindest regards.2011-02-26 09:25:20
Casual WitnessLora SilveyA very visual and sensual piece. There are many lines that roll off the tongue, almost dripping with thick alliteration, like "Fumbling fingers savor sacred beads silently." The flow of the piece mimics the ocean's waves. It is as if the narrator isn't a "casual witness" but one more captivated by the senses expressed. Only the final "sigh in echoed reverence" brings one to the point of casualness. Even the beginning line juxtaposes the title with "I watch like a voyeur." The imagery is such that the narrator could be Rachel Ward watching Richard Chamberlain. The tense sensual feelings evoked are pure poetic passion. Well done. Kindest regards. 2011-02-26 09:01:38
Sun or Shadecheyenne smythA lovely sonnet. I especially like the following lines: I’ll wend my weary way where’ere thee go and The moon will rise above the ruby lips The sonnet is one of my favorite structures. It has an aura of self knowledge in the form that can bring out the best or worst in a poet. You have succeeded here. Kindest regards.2011-02-24 13:31:50
Patch Her Soulcheyenne smythI had to laugh after reading your note. After reading your over abundance of metaphors, it was pure hyperbole. There are some great lines of imagery here that I enjoy reading. "Cloistered shadows," "porcelain tourniquets," "Sullen clouds and subtle whispers" are a few that really stand out. Kindest regards.2011-02-23 00:51:29
Another TimeDeniMari Z.You frame an elegant piece of time and put a great twist at the end. The poem brings to mind the refined Victorian era and even up to the 50s. Things were different then and daily life moved much slower. I enjoy the loose rhyme and the easy flow of the lines. A nice piece to make one think of bygone civility and modern harshness. Kindest regards. 2011-02-23 00:35:39
Lake BrandtMandie J OverockerNice short terse work. I suggest bringing the first line "as" down to the second line. It is a more natural break. It has a calming tone and starts strong with vivid imagery. I look forward to reading more of your work. Kindest regards.2011-02-23 00:12:44
Rantings of the Divided Mind, Part IIIMandie J OverockerI wonder will this end? I feel the narrator may have given up in attempting to heal the rift in her mind but am not sure. The poem doesn't really end. I'm left not knowing and wondering if there will be a part IV. If that is the intention, that works too. A divided mind for all time? I would fix the tense in this line: "that scream to be heard." I do enjoy your works. Kindest regards. 2011-02-23 00:05:16
Rantings of the Divided Mind, Part IIMandie J OverockerWonderful job. I wished for more punctuation in part I, so that I could pause when it was more natural and to get the rhythm of your verse, but this one flows easier. I want to read this line with "we" in it: "those were lies that (we) were told," but that's just my meter. In this line I suggest replacing don't with won't: "that without them she don’t exist." I like the in and out of first and third person. It enhances the spinning round and round. It's near an internal dialog and the rhyme scheme keeps the pace up almost to a frenzy. You have a gift that seems to flow with ease. Kindest regards.2011-02-22 23:56:37
Persephone RevisitedMandie J OverockerOmit "the" in the 2nd line. Add "no" in the 8th line in front of reason Maybe "A" to begin lines 11 and 12? Semi colon after "away" on the 13th line. A period at the end of 16. Followed by more punctuation... "For many weeks" is trifle and weak in the context of everything around it. There is so much power and angst that that line falls short and detracts. I would like to see you keep the feeling and emotion yet keep the verb tense as well. "mother" or mother's? It's on my list. Yippee. I love this stuff. Kindest Regards, David 2011-02-15 00:56:14
Life Tree A Challenge To BeDeniMari Z.I'm lost. There is a tree with roots above the ground yet it loosely grows in sand? Planted firmly? Too much going against the grain here to make heads or tails. Kindest Regards, David 2011-02-15 00:33:17
Rantings of the Divided Mind, Part IMandie J OverockerI would like to rewrite this if I may. I like the dark under tone. I will send it outside ptl. Kindest Regards, David2011-02-15 00:28:17
Conundrum ContractMandie J OverockerI read this and thought the Wives of Edmund Spencer...but I know that they are not on the History Channel or VH1...So it must be something else, askew... I think you need to solidify a sentence or thought that you describe. There are too numerous ones that fall short or are not wholly painted within a sentence. If you are going to use punctuation in piecemeal, use it throughout. Need a semi colon: Some fixed on love; others on hell Need a semi colon: To welcome; in love’s soothing balm I like this. It needs more work and I would love to either live it or read it. Touché! Kindest Regards David (p.s. I may have lived it already.) 2011-02-15 00:18:53
I Still Wondercheyenne smythI love the imagery. So far you rock when it comes to that. (If I am too bold I apologize.) This work should be 4 lines in each stanza. You go over in some and are too short in others. Keep the pace. If you are not going to do rhyme then do structure. "Peeks" is too much in the fourth stanza. I would also try to keep the same tense of verbs in describing. The past, the past perfect, and the imperfect tense are distracting. Kindest Regards, David 2011-02-15 00:05:52
The BindMandie J OverockerI really like your mind. I only want to hear and feel more of it than 4 or 5 syllables can convey. While Dr Seuss was able to do so much with so little (he did have a story to tell) you try to get across a feeling or emotion across. While I want that feeling and emotion, I feel cheated in that I don't get it by such short verse. I know you have it in you to paint a scene that can make me laugh or weep. Can we have that? Kindest Regards David 2011-02-14 23:50:47
PleaseMandie J OverockerI like the beginning but it falls short towards the end. I think this may be the weakness of such short rhymes. The theme is one I am now familiar with when it comes to reading your works. I would like to see something else. Call me fickle but that is how I feel. It loses punch after "Threats have no base." I think punctuation would not be a hindrance either. I find punctuation to be a strong proponent of timing and rhythm. I like the punch and staccato feel of the piece but it should end will more of a stick or period than a whimper.2011-02-14 23:42:09
"Were You Ever . . .?"Mandie J OverockerI am not afraid of the dark. I like the shortness. Succinct and poignant to say too much. It almost reads like am early 80s punk song. This would go well with some Ramones playing in the background. It's on my list. Considering there is so much natural rhyme I think it needs it throughout. The weaker rhymes, while not forced take it down a bit. Kindest regards.2011-02-08 00:00:52
Ethereal WatermarkLora SilveyA nice work up of loss for a lover. I am unsure of the possessive "lonely's." I tend to put personification in proper case but that's just me. Excellent imagery of the morning and what it brings. How true. Kindest regards.2011-02-06 23:18:17
Bathing AnewDeniMari Z.I am a shower guy so this is a stretch. ;) Is there a reason for the apostrophe in "see's?" I stumble with it there. Is it "she sees clearly" or is it "she clearly sees?" Also, the jamb of "how when" is another. Perhaps the "when" could be moved to the lower line? I think it would have more power in brevity with just "then a thought of how." Maybe even leave the "when" out unless it is placing those "grin(s) over and over again" in the past. Almost bath time. Kiindest Regards, David2011-02-04 16:03:45
Snow Grains Will ChangeDeniMari Z.I think the first line can be reworded to: winter coats painted white. I like the double, "winter white" but up against the strong p in "painted" feels like a stumble. Oh hell, I'm too archaic as I would reword the whole line. Who am I kidding? Winter coats painted white on branches bare; is how I would do it but that is my voice and not yours. I like the image. I think "present" in the last line needs an "s." Is punctuation omitted for a reason? I like the "Foretell me not ahead." That has good iamb. I'm still working on getting the meaning behind the words and imagery. So far I can only come up with a want for awe in Nature. Keep at it Deni. Kindest Regards, David2011-02-04 15:51:01
uNseenDeniMari Z.I like this as it reminds me of an outdoor fire. It brings me into the fire as if I am in it and not consumed but looking out through it. I don't know if I'm on the mark but that's the image I get from it. There are some good pieces here where the alliteration plays a role almost like dancing flames. I'm not sure about "tip toe like a bloody fool." I am not sure what that implies. 2011-02-04 15:37:10
Reality's PromiseMandie J OverockerMandie, I like it. It reminds me of Samuel Johnson. So bespeak of the dead and bring forth the ancient and enlightened rhetoric... I must profess that when I read the stanzas that contain parallelism in the beginning (ie Emotional toil, Mental exhaustion, etc.) it rings truer and has more effect than the stanzas that do not. The best is when the parallelism is even more evident with the adverbs as in "Becoming, Numbing, and Shutting." I love that stuff and often am over taken by trying to get the imagery out or seeking the rhyme that I fail to fulfill the true purpose of the poem, rhetoric. Of course that is not in the modern sense of the word, no offense to the lawyers or politicians out there. David.2011-02-03 04:26:48
Here - AfterMary J CoffmanGreat imagery. So many lines pop with it. I suggest you use capitals for the beginning of lines and punctuation like a period after "chest" and "memory." You use commas and even a semicolon so I think it is more fitting to use it throughout the piece. The first five lines are well crafted and have an easy meter. The emotion painted is palpable like the "crumpled castle" but I get confused when the narrator changes up that emotion with "waiting for deliverance." It is an abrupt change from the "stale words" and lack of "refuge." What gets the narrator to that point of change? I really liked these lines "and dreams ride moonbeams to your eyes / your tongue writing symphonies on my skin." The first half is completely different from the second half and I think why the narrator changes is needed. Overall it's good and you have a gift for imagery.2011-01-31 09:33:25
Old BonesMandie J OverockerNice work. It reveals a journey and the scheme keeps it going. I am unsure about the "sore" and "vines in despair." I fail to find their meaning but the imagery is good. Over all it is well crafted and while the begining is weak the ending is strong. 2011-01-30 16:27:11
Integrating Night and DayMandie J OverockerThe round trip of this work is good but I'm left wondering who or what is the paralyzed soul. The beast and bliss feels disjointed. The summation at the end is well worded but I am left wondering what now knows it is better to be whole. The rhyme scheme is unique and adds to the piece. 2011-01-30 16:18:23
Keeper of Mem’riesLora SilveyThis is one that rings of a lover lost. "The music fills the air," makes me think that the narrator is at some festive function and is left longing for their lost lover. It is short and to the point and gives an impression of a fleeting thought as the narrator might possibly be on thier way to the dance floor. It is effective in expression of lost. Well done. 2011-01-30 15:12:04
Fairytale HellDeniMari Z.The summoning in the first stanza conveys the feeling like we are all gsthering around a camp fire to hear ghost stories. Well painted. The second stanza is as haunting as the monster that lives under a child's bed. The message is clear in this yet the clumping of questioned plot tales feels out of place. I like the nursery rhyme and "all is fine" just following and am wondering if this could be expounded with the clumped plots. Maybe even tied to each tale some how? The "creaking" rocker will surely keep me in my bed. Nice way to end it.2011-01-16 12:00:30
No Visible ScarsMandie J OverockerThe imagery and sound is tight. The assonance almost vibrates like a frozen heart somehow still beating. The "split wide open" narrows it down to a broken heart effectively. And while the "wounds were real" paints a vivid picture and we are near to wondering if it is physical, we are left with hope her broken heart will in fact heal "as warm spring" can melt her frozen heart as it does the snow. It is tight, terse and moving. 2011-01-16 11:19:40
Interlude with a MurdererMichael BirdHigh points for the creep effect. However, the "thirst" for "blood" is lost with the "chloroform." The start is intense and builds but is lost near the end. The frantic and maniacal nature of the narrator's "thousand whispering voices" and blood thirst felt lost when logic crept in "I must be very careful." Dark and morbid but it left me wanting more. 2011-01-16 00:35:31
The Forestcheyenne smythI like the beginning three lines but the fourth just doesn't fit. While "wings of breeze" and "steals my breath" both invoke an air, it feels contrived to fit in "sheen." In the second stanza, the juxtaposition of "sun so bright" and "quiet light" needs more time to develop. The same for why the swaying trees does in fact "feed your core." The reader needs more to sense that nature is in deed feeding your "core." Perhaps moving the stanza that begins "with lacy shawls of leaves that dance on air." to the second position would keep the air developed with the "breeze" and "breath" in the first. I do like the "with lacy" line; well crafted. I do not like the "jeweled soft" as it doesn't sound soft at all. Overall I enjoyed it, but I feel if you focused more on a sense such as touch, sound or sight in each stanza it would convey with more force why "The forest taught me beauty can’t be bought." There are "jewels" of lines "sprinkled here and there" that I think could be further expounded upon to get the point across.2011-01-16 00:14:55
Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by David KeeseyCritique Date

Displaying Critiques 1 to 47 out of 47 Total Critiques.

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