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|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by marilyn terwilleger||Critique Date|
|Lost Among the Branches||Kenneth R. Patton||Hi Ken....your imagery in this poem is excellent. You describe the scene so well I felt as if I were sitting beside you watching the Blue Jay and Chipmunk and Squirrel. I have critters in my backyard, as well and I never tire of watching them and neither does my dog (she is yet to figure out why she can't climb a tree.) I am pleased to see you writing again...Hope it continues! best.....M.||2008-10-22 15:04:10|
|Days of Winter||Dellena Rovito||Hi D...this is an excellent poem and one I really like as it deals with nature and I write so often about that. Written in rhyming couples without punctuation (with the exception of one comma) works very well here. You did a good job of letting your line breaks work for you. A lovely and evocative poem.....M.||2008-10-14 16:29:45|
|Prism||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni...your muse continues to soar with each poem you post. It is so true that in an hour or even a second our whole world can change before our eyes. Both of us have endured the changes that alter our lives forever...but yet we go on. I am impressed with your imagery in this poem...so many lovely pictures are painted with your pen. This is a thought provoking poem and one that begs to be read more than once. Well done....blessings...M.||2008-10-09 15:10:22|
|PARTING||SHEELA VASANTA EVENI||Hi Sheela...This poem reads like a bittersweet memory about a friend now lost. Congrats on the publishing. Don't scream but I am going to noodle with this just a bit to tighten it up. After that brief acquaintance, We have (now) parted (our) ways. I haven't asked for your address, It hardly makes (any) sense. I haven't asked for your phone number, Not to trouble you at the busiest hour. We have never been friends (ofcourse),.........of course (As) I have never related tales of mine, (Or) you (have) never told me stories of your own. (But) our netted looks (have) bound us (for sometime.) If somewhere, sometime (in future), May be as a pattered rain drop..............maybe Or (as) a sound of laughter, I may come back to your memory, ............drop comma as you begin the next line with 'and' And spend my time in your leisure, Don't be surprised!.......................actually I would delete this line as it adds nothing to the theme (And) perhaps I wish the same Will happen to me, (But) poems not deciphered appeal better, Songs heard afar sound sweeter, Silhouettes look more beautiful, ................drop the comma as you begin the next line with 'and' And a person half known seems dearer!! by deleting the words I have indicated it will thighten up the lines and make it read smoother. This is a fine idea for a poem and I enjoyed reading it. Cheers....Marilyn||2008-10-08 17:02:05|
|Images||Thomas H. Smihula||Hi Thomas...this is a fine poem and I can appreciate the metaphor. Life is a full time job and one we must not take lightly. You pose some interesting questions and one wants to ponder over each one. What is this tapestry we call life anyway? When all the pieces are blended will that mean we are finished or done for as it would seem? Lots to think about here. An interesting poem that I have read several times....well done.....M.||2008-09-30 17:08:45|
|The Fallen||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark...first of all I have never heard of Djinn, which puts me at a disadvantage as I attempt to critique this poem. Having said that I find the words haunting and compelling...I have read it several times over the past two days. If you were anyone else and not such an accomplished poet I would say you used the word 'just' twice in the first strophe! (smile) But in your case who cares? You have a couple of end rhymes that serve to move the poem down the page with ease. I have tried to pick my favorite strophe or phrase without any luck so let it suffice to say I like the poem for the reasons I stated and much more. Hugs....Mazza||2008-09-26 17:24:26|
|Broken Bridge||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni...you have some wise questions and statements in this poem. Some people are very vain and never stop to think how their actions might harm someone else. There are those that blindly folllow without ever having a thought of their own but follow just to be part of a group. All this is disheartening and makes us lose faith in the human race. Don't lose faith, dear heart. Life is a full time job and not all in life is false or bad even if it seems that way sometimes. You wrote your feelings very well in this poetic prose poem. I hope things are getting easier and better with each day. Well done. Hugs....M.||2008-09-25 15:26:38|
|Debugging||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark..I have read this poem several times and each time I feel like cheering for the robot. I went from a sheltered home right into a sheltered marriage where there were so many strictures and controls. It is amusing that now when I find myself alone I still adhere to those controls...conditioning I guess. An easy poem to relate to...for me anyway. I must quit before I give you a 'fluff critique' and get arrested by the critique police (grin) By the way, my friend and I are planning a trip to New Zealand in Nov. 2009 with a three day trip to your neck of the woods. What city do you line in? Who knows I might be close enough to call you on the phone... Hugs....Mazza||2008-09-22 16:09:26|
|Economics||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark....good grief, man I thought you had passed on. (just kidding) Tis good to see you writing again...perhaps you will stay awhile. As I read this poem I thought I would give anything for a book that would show me the way or even more so, tell me if I am right or wrong. I find the truth is often disguised, too bad we don't know that ahead of time...maybe we wouldn't make so many human mitakes. A very thoughtful poem....glad you are back. Hugs....Mazza||2008-09-21 21:07:16|
|Oppenheimer's Lament||Gene Dixon||Hi Gene....You know by now I have a soft spot for sonnets. I use to believe most sonnets were written about love and flowery things, however I now know that is not the case. I have also learned that a sonnet can be a sonnet even if the iambs may not be as strict as I thought they should be. Imagine my relief! I have read this one several times and each time it seems to gain power in my mind. What a horrible beast was unleashed when the atom bomb came into being. I think that is what is so scary about war, which is in itself a beast of mass destruction and death that never seems to be sated. Don't laugh but when I first read this sonnet I thought the Oppenheimer funds had taken a nose dive and you were about to jump off a tall building (grin) Well done.....M.||2008-09-18 00:40:25|
|Venting Outloud||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni....Sometimes it is good just to rant, rave and vent....oddly enough it can be soothing. This is one of those poem that is not easily forgotten. I am sure we have all felt this way at one time or another. It's better to write down our feelings than to run amock! (just kidding) Hang in there, only one way to go and that's up....hugs....M.||2008-09-16 16:26:47|
|The Promise of Sun||Dellena Rovito||Hi D....I was drawn to this poem when I read the first line. You have excellent imagery throughout which is very pleasing. Where you say 'shards of lightness' I think just 'shards of light' would be a better choice. Of course it would not fit with 'goodness' in your third strophe, which could be changed if you thought it best. Also 'crocheting lace to place' is a fine phrase. All in all a very pleasing read. M.||2008-09-13 00:30:28|
|Music Lifts Everything Up||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni....this is a beautiful tribute to Shaun. I'm glad you added the notes that explains this...it certainly does personalize it, therefore making it even more beautiful. It is sad without being maudlin or over dramatic. Glad to see you writing again. Hugs....M.||2008-09-12 00:36:28|
|Kiss on the Wind||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis....This is a stunning poem...one of the best love poems you have written. There are some scattered end rhymes which I imagine are not intentional but they work well. You have written this without punctuation and have done a good job of that plus the enjambments. I enjoyed this well written poem....M.||2008-09-08 16:11:05|
|Shadows and Light||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis....you seem to be pouring your heart out in this poem...in fact you are. I know you miss your love terribly and some of this poem I get and some I don't. But that makes no matter...what does matter is you are using your poetry to soothe and sustain you....it will do that....of this I am sure. Marilyn||2008-09-05 01:00:47|
|When The Women Came Out To Dance||Gene Dixon||Hi Gene....I read this poem last week but life duties kept me from doing a cirtique until now....and I should be in bed but for some reason I never feel tired! Sounds weird, huh? You have great imagery...shrouded sunrise and shrinking shadows... are my favorite...if I had to pick. I think this scene has probably played out in many Italian villiages but it took an excellent poet to write about it....well done.....M.||2008-09-05 00:49:10|
|My Love...||charles r pitts||Hi Charles....this is a very sensual poem and is sexy without being smutty. Not all erotic poems accomplish this....they usually let the artistry get away from the poet and end up just being a poem about sex. This could easily be put to music but alas I don't know how to get it to Bobby Brown! (grin) You wrote this well and I enjoyed it from beginng to end....M.||2008-08-21 15:00:04|
|At the last....||charles r pitts||Hi Charles....and what is life without death? A very poignant poem that tugs at the heart strings. The loss of a loved one takes so much more than their body away from those that are left to grieve. You have so poetically pointed that out in this well written poem. I hope I haven't completely mis-read your intent but this is how the words speak to me. Well done......M.||2008-08-21 14:54:36|
|The Woman in the Garden||Gene Dixon||Hi Gene...it is always refreshing to read one of your poems. So many just write words because they sound good but without reason. I belong to a couple of other poetry sites (boo hiss) and I am amazed how many just put words together and call it poetry. I had to smile at your last two lines. My husband would never admit he was lost and if he was it was me who had to ask for directions! Great poem...keep them coming.....M.||2008-08-18 15:56:49|
|The Crescent, The Star and The Cross||Gene Dixon||Hi Gene....I read so many poems that are written about the war but I have never read one as eloquent as this one. I think if you are going to capture an audiance and cause them to read your poems, one must hook them with the title and the first line. You have accomplished both here. To spill a son's most sacred life across the sandals and the sand...is both poignant and heart breaking. Who can understand the mind set of parents that let their child become a human bomb? A very thought provoking poem.....M.||2008-08-17 16:28:06|
|60 Flowers||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis....I certainly can feel your anger in this piece. Writing poetry has been a release for me when I needed it most. I can see that it is an outlet for you, as well. In your first strophe you have the one word 'on' just hanging out there with nothing to support it. I think I would move it down to the next line. I can't wrap my mind around "God is a John" I understand the previous line...so need help with it. You have some excellent pharsing and word choices....hope things get better for you soon.....M.||2008-08-02 14:50:18|
|Surges||Dellena Rovito||Hi D....this is a thoughtful poem and one to be pondered and not pass off as just a poem about riding an ocean wave. I think it goes much deeper than that and could easily be a metaphor for life. The ups and downs our lives take can be powerful and sometime disturbing. We all wish for smooth sailing but don't often receive it. I guess the trick is to go with the flow and do the best we can with what we have got. A profound poem....M.||2008-07-31 15:31:41|
|Background||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis....When I saw the structure of this piece I thought it was 'shape poetry' but if so I can't figure out what the shape is....so I'm thinking it doesn't depict anything and is just the form you used for this poem. It is interesting though. Personally I believe love can cure many ills. Of course it doesn't have to be a lover as there are many things and other people in our lives to love. You have let your line breaks take place of punctuation and have done them well. This is one of those thought provoking poems. Marilyn||2008-07-31 15:24:38|
|Distance||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis.....this is a lovely poem....well written and evocative. I sing with all for all as one I sing so I will not be undone I sing for silence, in that I'm found just wire this heart on gossamer wing to tell my love of love, I bring these lines are especially poignant to me. You have a rhyme scheme that pulls the reader along with ease. Good word choices and structure make this a pleasant read. I'm glad you posted this as I was wondering about your trilogy. Well done....M.||2008-07-29 16:06:19|
|Spaces||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis....as I was reading this poem I did so with your long distance relationship and with that in mind your words just fell into place for me. You have some excellent phrases in this piece...jagged sky...tripping the mind's eye with tangled shoe laces...also you have good aliteration especially in the last stanza. I hope the seperation from your lady friend speeds by and you will soon be together again. This is a good read. Blessings....M.||2008-07-28 15:56:40|
|Light Behind Clouds||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis...it is always difficult to say goodbye even if you are sure the one you love will return to you. I remember when my husband went to fight in the Korean war how devastated I was as I had no idea if he would return. He did return but it was a year and a half of agony for me. This poem is truly one that is written with much emotion, passion and love for your lady friend. You wrote it in free verse, in lower case and without punctuation. Ordinarily this could cause the reader to start and stop in all the wrong places but you have done a good job of letting the line breaks work for you. Hope the next six months go well. Marilyn||2008-07-23 15:01:50|
|The Beauty Of Existence||Dellena Rovito||Hi D....a critiquer once told me a poem should not be written that is comprised of questions without giving the answers. However, you have asked some profound questions to which there are no answers. At one time or the other I think we have all wondered why we became human when, with just a little altering of DNA, we just might be a bug. An intertesting concept for a poem....very thought provoking. Blessings....M.||2008-07-21 15:02:18|
|Dangerous||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis...You are so right this is a very emotional poem that is written with deep passion and melancholy. Of late all your poems seem to be written with sorrow's ink and you seem to be asea with your emotions and present situation. Is it a lover's lament or is love and passion too much to bear? I like this poem and the phrases you have penned. I also like the internal rhyming which is one of my favorite ways to rhyme. Well done. Hope you are well. Blessings....M.||2008-07-18 15:19:14|
|Days of grey...||Lynda G Smith||HI Lynda....this is an amazing poem and one I have read several times. Your imagery is very well done. Your last line was a surprise which to me is important in poetry. It is the mark of a good poem when it has a memorable ending. So many do not and are quickly forgotten by the reader. I read this as a metaphor of life, which I may be wrong about, but that is the way it reads to me. The occasional end rhymes add to the overall appeal and calming effect of the words. A well written and evocative poem. Glad to see you posting again and hope to read more of your work. Blessings....Marilyn||2008-07-16 15:09:38|
|Understanding||Thomas H. Smihula||Hi Thomas...I know you didn't write this to be critiqued so I won't do that. However, I want to tell you that this is an excellent read and I hope it helped you release your emotions. Take care....Marilyn||2008-07-09 16:06:43|
|Blood Melts Like Ice||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni...one can never understand why their family turns on them which hurts to the core. You have limned your feelings very well. I just have a couple of suggestion to tighten this up a bit.... I won't be here forever. (So) hate me if you must. Inside my heart will feel (that) pain, And know that it's unjust. I'll still wake (up) each morning And name you in (a) prayer. Instead of feeling angry, I'll simply say I..........................I like the way you wrote these four words. Lends more power to your emotions Do Not Care I'll turn away and remember you, For all the love I gave. It's time for me to think of me, Your love I'll always save......good ending. Hugs....Marilyn||2008-07-08 17:15:21|
|Easy||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis...it is so true that our lives ebb and flow...don't know which I like the most. In the line...with love, with love, with love...I think I would delete two 'with love' as it doesn't add anything to the meaning of the poem. To me the poem seems to be a plea for love to be returned to you. If that is the case I hope she returns your love. Marilyn||2008-07-05 01:00:47|
|Shedding the Tears||Kenneth R. Patton||Hi Kenneth...I liked this when I read it on the forum and still do. I have know people that showed anger when it was them that was afraid and tried to inflict that fear on others. This is such a sadness for a child to endure. Glad you posted this again....Marilyn||2008-06-30 17:01:04|
|Good Night||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis...Love poem are so difficult to write as so much has already been written about it. This poem is unique and certainly has a different point of view on the subject. Strophe five and six I think is redundant with the repetition 'my love' and 'goodnight my love' I think one statement would be sufficient to get your point across. Your last strophe I think is the best and most powerful. Outside of these two nits I think this is a nice love poem and I bet Leila thinks so too! Marilyn||2008-06-30 14:34:57|
|Elegy||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark....it matters not how you lose a love....seperation, divorce or death...the grief is the same. I should have written this, I know how it feels to be both alive and dead at the same time. Sorrow lives in every line of this piece and it is difficult to read with a dry eye. If I were to do a line by line critique I could say nothing more than your words and imagery stabs my core. I'm not quite sure what prompted this poem but it is among your very best. So dare ya go another fluff critique so just shoot me and get it over with. (smile) Hugs....Mazza||2008-06-05 14:47:58|
|Double Edged||Dellena Rovito||Hi D....this poem has a melancholy flavor that I can't quite put my finger on. When I first read it I thought it was about TPL or maybe some or all of its members. Your words hit home for me even though they are somewhat of a mystery. Written in rhyming couplets is effective and evocative. Because of some of the events that have taken place in the last several months I am having some trouble critiquing....hope you will forgive me.... Best....M.||2008-06-05 00:53:17|
|Angel Piper||Kenneth R. Patton||Hi Ken...If there was an excuse needed to believe in Him those dragonflies should have erased all doubt. Even though there are and will continue to be times when you mourn for your mom but when it happens just remember all thos 'darning needles'....well done. Marilyn||2008-06-04 17:01:31|
|Heaven Holds You Now||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni....one of the reasons I so hated leaving TPL was the opportunity to read and critique poems by my friends. This poem stabs my heart and brings tears to my eyes. You have expressed your feelings well in this piece and while this will be a long journey back to business as usual, it will come. I still hesitate to write a lengthy critique and I am sure you understand that. I will get better at is as time goes by. I hope you are well.. Hugs.....Marilyn||2008-06-04 16:56:54|
|come back||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis....I read this poem a long time ago and felt some guilt for being one of those who gave up on TPL. That was never my intention. I have decided to come back to my first home and favorite of all the sites I have visited over the years. Thanks so much for this encouraging poem...tis good to be home. Mariyn||2008-06-04 16:50:22|
|in the gallery||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark....Much as transpired since I left TPL and even before, however my dicision to return, I am sure, is obvious. No need to beat up on a dead horse so I won't go there. I am also sure, since my critiquing skills were maligned, I hesitate to comment on any poems. I do understand that sometimes my feelings get in the way of, what some would call, a good vs a fluff crit. Having said that I don't think your standards have become ghosts at all. If you and others like you don't 'fetch out all the flaws' how can any of us hone our craft? I hope you are well and will consider writing again...I have missed you. Mazza||2008-06-04 16:45:04|
|We Care - But We Don't||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni....what a sad plea for help this poems cries out. It is almost too painful to read but once I began I could not stop. I think so many loved ones and friends are incapable of helping us when we are in pain because they don't know what to do or say. Consequently they say and do nothing...hoping all the while our pain will just go away. Grief makes many very uncomfortable...they are afraid to feel your grief lest they grive themselves. You have written your thoughts very well...each line is filled with pain and grief and for that my heart goes out to you. In time your friends will see your smile again...that is what they are hoping for. In a very short time your world was turned upside down and you were left with a mountain to climb that seems hopeless. Some might say, this too will pass. However, I believe the past never passes but we do learn how to deal with it, it just takes time. I pray you will soon find the peace you are seeking. blessings....marilyn||2008-03-13 15:05:44|
|Blended Grace||David OBrien||Hi David....welcome to TPL! I have read this poem several times and find it a simple message but written with eloquence and skill. I would have never thought of writing a poem about hands and feet but you have taken something as mundane as hands and feet and crafted a poem. I was looking for a metaphor but the more I read it the more I think it is what it is and nothing more. A thought provoking poem...well done... marilyn||2008-03-11 15:28:34|
|Friend O' Heart||Rene L Bennett||Hi Rene...this is such a heart tugging poem. I think it is instinct that makes us pull away from someone, even if we don't intend to. Healing takes a great deal of time and just when we think we have overcome we are reminded that we have not. Written in free verse without punctuation works well for this poem. You have done a good job of letting the line breaks work for you...which is not always easy. Your last line is exceptional. A well written poem and one that I can easily relate to. Blessings...marilyn||2008-03-08 17:13:47|
|Storm Damage||Mary J Coffman||Hi Mary....Now this poem is ala Mary from beginning to end. It is just lovely and your word choices are excellent. Soft and beautiful. hope rains from my eyes....................eye catching lines...innovative to shed in fallow furrows of long-dead dreams once flowered in fields of expectation................I love this strophe. You linked these words together with skill and artistry that few poets ever attaine....bravo cold callous clouds [ashes of defeat] molest my sky................perfect image of a cloudy and threatening sky my lips weep whispers....................oh how I love these two lines...lips weep whispers...wonderful! of long-gone daysprings; tart tastes of summer’s smile waste away I am left broken battered treading mud in a puddle cut deep into the cold clench of truth silently seeping into submission, while..................so much melancholy in these lines...brings a lump to my throat the gray birch drops its worthless seeds of optimism to daub barren ground.................speaks of despair...excellent discription and icy winds of wisdom winter my heart The closing lines make this piece especially memorable. Why in the heck didn't I write this? (grin) I love this part of Mary the poet! I do hope you are getting better...it has been a long haul for you hasn't it? Feel better...okay? Blessings....marilyn||2008-02-29 16:11:16|
|Sleeping Dogs - a repartee with "Fear"||Mary J Coffman||Hi Mary.....you have used an abundance of unusual words in this piece. I imagine you sent several to their dictionary's! You must forgive me but I am at a loss to completely understand this piece. However, if I had to understand all the poems I crit I wouldn't be able to crit at all! Maybe you are writing about someone who the poet admires, even loves, but is too scared and overwhelmed to say anything. I received an Aaaah moment when I read...never mind...those two words put the poem in the category of superb. You have left me here alone to ponder this poem! Well done Blessings....marilyn||2008-02-29 15:59:28|
|You Will Shine - Repost||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni....I really like this poem, typo and all! It is so uplifting with a message we should all heed. Your rhyme scheme is right on and the piece has a good flow that just slides down the page like liquid. I especially like...God speaks through your soul, His voice is still strong....We all seem to have busy lives and sometimes forget He is always there for us no matter what we do. I am certain your faith has carried you through some very difficult times in your life. I hope you are beginning to heal. Good poem....well done. Blesings....Marilyn||2008-02-28 14:56:19|
|Cycle of a Mother's Love||Claire H. Currier||Hi Claire....what a treat it is to see a poem from your pen! No matter if a mother says I love you or just a 'me too' matters not....I am sure she loved her family with all her heart. Losing a parent is a difficult thing to overcome...it takes a long time. You have written this with emotion, passion and great love for your mom. It is a lovely tribute to her and I hope you will share it with the rest of your family. Congrats on two more grandchildren....they are so wonderful, aren't they? Keep writing your poems have been missed. Blessings...marilyn||2008-02-23 00:02:57|
|Tragic||Thomas H. Smihula||Hi Thomas...such a doleful poem...the only thing that keeps it from being unbeareably sad is the last line....thus keeping, the heart beating...but the em dashes at the end tells me there is more to this poem than what is written. You asked about the word within...I notice the first four lines and their first letters spell 'tear' but am at a loss to know if that is what you are asking. This is a poem that needs to be pondered...profound and evocative...well done. Marilyn||2008-02-22 16:05:00|
|Sweet Irony||Robin Ann Crandell||Hi Robin...this is such a doleful poem, you have written it with great emotion and passion. If we lose a love through seperation or death we greive the same. Sometimes I think death may be the easiest of the two because it wasn't desired or done on purpose. I could easily feel your pain both in the written words and those that lie between...unspoken or written. That you are still struggling with this loss makes the write just that much sadder. I do believe you could shorten this poem a bit without losing the message as some of it seems redundant...but that's probalby just me! A good read. My best to you....marilyn||2008-02-17 16:57:59|
|Law Office||Claudia F. Sepe||Hi Claudia.....This write is not a poem it is more just getting something off your chest, which is fine. However, if you would wirte it in poem form I would be glad to do a critique. Marilyn||2008-02-16 17:45:26|
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