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Cutting exquisite bloody pain etch quietly carved rage tracks beneath thin pin stripes of toned forearm flesh freshly honed steel strips away tanned skin showing reality based bracelet beads of sorrows trail to stream slowly round a crimson path of stinging guilt tears to no where see what I have done this first lasting scar memorial to things which have no future in the past just cutting edges of wishes ....left undone inside |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Loren Laird Burris On Date: 2005-05-22 16:05:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
From Loren,
Firstly there is an amazing reality to this poem, for me anyway, and on the definite plus side the motives behind the behavior are here('pain', 'rage', 'guilt', 'sorrow' with all their implicit accompanying feelings). The imagery surrounding the act ('rage tracks' and 'pin stripes') is haunting, but have you thought of a repetitious device? Take the same image ('pin stripes', for example) and use it several times with differing emphasis, altering the image just enough to retain the impact and yet supply a something fresh with the repetition, a different aspect of the emotion or imagery? For example: stanzas two and three could be treated in such a way that such a repetitive device centering, say, on the dichotomy between what's outside (toned, tanned skin) and the inward (reality/based bracelet beads of sorrow). Perhaps you could add on to this, or increase the number of lines to allow for more description. While I'm thinking of it, I must also say that the use of alliteration in single lines in the first three stanzas is heavyhanded. When i write free or blank verse, i try (TRY! is operative) to spread alliteration and sometimes consonance more evenly, perhaps establishing a word and plunging into the effect on the next line, say of a couplet.
Have you thought about taking some of the loose ends and tying them in such a way that, instead of many skeins of observable phenomena, you have something that retains a poetic freedom with a more obvious narrative focus?
I hope some of this is helpful. Take care!
L