This Poem was Submitted By: C Arrownut On Date: 2003-08-26 13:36:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Dying, A Biblical Allegory

Dying, A Biblical Allegory The colossal other world hidden behind numerous moons and rings a ball of ice glistening like Saturn or Jupiter as it migrates through the  blackness in and out of space holes where this iceberg meets nothingness in orbits around its star. Here layers of spirits, merely electricity, have gathered and crystallized for millennia. Many times universal forces aberrated, reversing the migration of ghosts and returned goblins, hard as diamonds, to the earth’s poles where layer by layer, they created glaciers during Ice Ages. Centuries later, galaxies reasserted themselves, yanking adamant souls back to their graves and their black ice ball as if a magnet. The dead might devour the living during aberrations like Ancients’ Halloweens or All Saints Days. Like him beckoning outside the hospital glass. She, she dressed in her gray Easter suit pinned a black rose above her right breast wore comfortable shoes and her Sunday coat hobbled out the window and kissed him smiling for the first time since his death. He guided her between meteorites and space debris, past unnatural satellites just as he maneuvered her in life.  They permeated frosty moons, flickering from the sun, where frozen particles clung to her, then through rings which netted her in layers of ice.  Now a solid particle like him, a crystal impelled into the frigid ball of spirits without making so much as a pin prick.

Copyright © August 2003 C Arrownut

Additional Notes:
Sounds just like Bible stories, right?

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2003-09-06 21:15:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
A little kubla khanic for my tastes. Sorry. Galen made me say that. Of course it sounds just like Bible stories. Yeah. Just like Bible stories. Now my head hurts. Got anything to relieve brain freeze short of a vaccum cleaner set on high?

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-09-01 10:28:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi There, This is an intriguing extended metaphor that embraces the cosmos and brings it into the human sphere. Allegorically, it parallels the act of dying with a return to the spatial arena from whence our original atoms must have come. it also de-rromanticizes the whole notion of heaven and "the journey Home", so to speak. In the process, elements of the Creation story are skilfully interwoven. The earth without form and void, the darkness moving on the face of the deep, are implied and also counterpointed by the appearnce of planets and stars. It's significant that you particularly note planets named for Saturn, the dark and sullen god, and Jupiter, the greatest of the ancient pantheon. These appear to suggest the positive and negative aspects inherent in everything, from mortal being to magnetic polarity tot he spin of electrons around a nucleus. The colossal other world [is?] hidden behind numerous moons and rings ... neat paradox; something "colossal" is usually not perceived as being "hidden" (but access to it is available only through death) I recommend use of a full verb in this strophe, probably best placed in L1, where you might consider "is hidden" or "hides". Then the syntax will be 100% correct. I much appreciate the idea of the "other world", the heavenly realm, darting out of reach among black holes as it orbits a singular star (not in real-time, but in its own universe). Viewing it as an "iceberg" - rather like the head of a comet - makes it sound a bit uninviting, though. No harps and clouds here! Jupiter as it migrates through the I'm not crazy about a line break following an article, which seems like an artificial place to do so. Do you need "the" at all? Why not just "migrates through blackness"? In the next passage, verb forms threw me a bit. Shifting to simple past caused me to read "returned goblins" as a past particple/noun combination, not a verb-object. A comma after "ghosts" would aid clarity. [I read "migration of ghosts and returned goblins"]. If you were to continue to use the present tense, as with "migrates" above, it would solve any confusion. However, far be it from me to dictate what a poet must choose to do. Many times universal forces aberrate, reversing the migration of ghosts[,] and return goblins, hard as diamonds, to the earth’s poles where layer by layer, they create glaciers during Ice Ages. Centuries later, galaxies reasserted themselves, [or "reassert" if you like the present-tense idea] yanking adamant souls back to their graves and their black ice ball as if a magnet. [as with a magnet? as if by a magnet? as if magnetized? Hmmm, syntax might need a small tweak in this line] You're using a multiplicity of words to identify the darkness of spiritual-temporal-physical space. "Adamant" is a cool choice, because it suggests indestructibility even when consigned to the "black ice ball". It is also one of my favorite words. : ) The dead might devour the living during aberrations Interesting parallel to the orbital aberrations of some planets and cometary bodies. Like him beckoning outside the hospital glass. She, [she - need htis second one?] dressed in her gray Easter suit pinned a black rose above her right breast ... sombre image! wore comfortable shoes and her Sunday coat ... the mundane intrusion humanizes her; nice! hobbled out the window and kissed him smiling for the first time since his death. ... so which one is smiling? The widow or her husband? It doesn't matter; I like the ambuguity. It hinges on a comma [or not] after "him". I really do think I'd prefer present tense here, during the actual transition from living mortal to deathless icebound soul. But, as always, it is the poet's call. Here layers of spirits, merely electricity, have gathered and crystallized for millennia. ..... love this image! ... past unnatural satellites just as he maneuvered her in life. ... This speaks of the complexities any couple's relationship must entail. He beckons her; he maneuvers her. Even in the afterlife, their imbalance of power continues. Not only that, but he eschews the "unnatural". Does this imply prejudice? Narrow-mindedness? Lack of daring and creative imagination? Or merely simplicity and a love of the basics? Fun to figure this one out! They permeated frosty moons, flickering from the sun, where frozen particles clung to her, then through rings which netted her in layers of ice. Very good use of fricatives here. The "f" is delightfully frigid, a sigh of chill air breathing across these migrating souls, encasing them with cold. "Permeated" is a great choice, as it connotes incorporeality. Now a solid particle like him, a crystal impelled into the frigid ball of spirits without making so much as a pin prick. Again, I think a verb would knit together the syntactical structure here. "She condenses to a solid particle ..."; "She is now ..."; Now she is ..."; or whatever. OR "now a solid particle like him,/her crystal is impelled ...". The closing metaphor of the "pin prick" points out how insignificant is any single existence. We do not dare disturb the fabric of the universe (apologies to Eliot). Indivduality is snuffed out, lost in that "frigid ball" (Brrr! wonderful image ...). There's something about your dense, modifier-rich style that niggles at my memory; it's familiar, yet I don't recognize the ID. Regardless, I have enjoyed the read. It's a fresh treatment of a very old theme, and effectively captures my attention (I seldom write long critiques owing to time constraints, so that alone would indicate my positive response). However, I feel a pressing need for a warm sweater. : ) My Best, Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2003-08-31 18:44:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.25000
I sense a hint of welcome contrast, keeping in perspective the massive cosmos and rhythm of life with mankind's most vital emotion. Deep and well-constructed, presented very nicely. Powerful, in-depth and original ; congrats. - Brandon
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-08-28 09:50:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.95349
Actually only the title for I was throughly entrenched in the words and the flight I took when reading this. The spirits of those gone and those to follow comes through loud and clear to this reader at least that is what I see. This freeform style is very creative and that is what I like about poetry there are no set rules if we convey a thought. I see the structure you took by having two stanza's of seven lines followed by a break within and then the final two with seven lines. Not only did you keep the structure by doing this but also the story. The first part being one that has already left the world we know, the pause, and then the addition soul joining the debris. Excellent piece not much on the title for this reader. Well done. Tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2003-08-26 14:53:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Wrong! But an interesting premise. But who are we to know until we get there. I'm not sure about the spacing you have done here, like in the second to last stanza and the last one, like why did you break it there? And so, did this woman jump? I'd like to think that I'd be more than just a ball of electrified ice floating through the universe when I die. Is that what it's all about? Or is there simply nothing? What a pity if it were, but then, as I said, who are we to know? Thanks for this interesting allegory.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Galen never received one at bir Arrowhead On Date: 2003-08-26 13:41:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.18182
Fantastic Poem. Gives the afterlife a place and makes the dying process concrete. Yep! I agree. Sounds like the allegories in the Bible. Great going and keep 'em comin'.
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