This Poem was Submitted By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-11-20 00:54:51 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Crafted in the Hands of Shakespeare

Alas! The time has come for us to make our  final embrace, for tomorrow you would start your journey either by ship or plane. Wake me no more as I close my eyes tonight that I may remember your last  kiss as warm as the sunlight and as  gentle as a rosebud. In my dreams let me go to Olympus and beg Aphrodite for a potion that would make you hold not your luggage but my hand instead and take me to the gazebo and dance there for eternity. Let not the waves of the ocean and the  singing of the birds invite you to say adieu for indeed I would weep or even hurt myself with a sword. Say not so long for that would entice Hades to fetch me so soon as I could  not stand to break loose from your grasp. Take me instead into your soul and together let us say farewell…

Copyright © November 2003 April Rose Ochinang Claessens


This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2003-12-06 01:42:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.23077
Not quite Shakespeare, but good enough read. I liked the sense of humour about the luggage. I thought that quite comical. Do you know why Shakespeare injected comedic pieces into his writings? Kinda reminds me more of Gibran. I think I would have titled this:A Sonnet... Good try, and thanks for posting. I know this is late and I'm rushing to get more crits in before the cut off.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-12-01 10:46:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Welcome to TCP, This is an ambitious undertaking; the title sets us up for either an allusion to Shakespearean themes, or a tribute to his poetic style. By opening with "Alas!" you signal the use of archaic diction. "Wake me no more" and "hold not your luggage" augment this impression with its reversed syntax. However, the situation is contemporary: an impending departure by place. The combination of current setting with partially obsolete diction (I say "partially" because the rest of the equation, the personal pronouns such as "thy", "thee", "thine", are modern) makes for an unusual blend. Shakespeare's own poetry is normally written in iambic pentameter, by and large - either the blank verse of his dramas or the rhymed lyric poems, such as his sonnets or songs. He would not have used enjambment and most line breaks would conclude with full or partial stops. He relies on careful placement of punctuation to suggest intonation and phrasing. None of these devices is used in this piece. As this is a critiquing site, and I feel that you have considerable potential to write with much stronger personal "voice", I'll toss in my suggestions for you to either use or lose. Please forgive me if they seem overly critical, as my goal is to provide something useful. First, I recommend eliminating any hint of cliche, such as "warm as the sunlight" or "gentle as a rosebud". Shakespeare is noted for using ordinary words in extraordinary ways, and his metaphorical language often contains surprises. He would have had access to a far smaller range of vocabulary options than we do now, and still his work manages to sound fresh. In my dreams let me go to Olympus and beg Aphrodite for a potion that would make you hold not your luggage but my hand instead and take me to the gazebo and dance there for eternity. This entire strophe is a single sentence, essentially a run-on. Lack of punctuation and line breaks following "that" and "the" tend to emphasize this effect. I'm not a huge fan of absent punctuation when it is being used sporadically elsewhere; you're including periods and caps. Be that as it may, possibly consider rewording the last two lines to get rid of the "and ... and" syntax. would make you hold not your luggage but my hand instead and take me to the gazebo for an eternity of dancing. Or whatever. Just a suggestion! The "for eternity" idea is another cliche, but you would know best what might be used in its place. I like the image of the gazebo because of its specificity. Let not the waves of the ocean and the singing of the birds invite you to say adieu for indeed I would weep or even hurt myself with a sword. "Or even hurt myself" seems weak. Try a different verb choice: slash, tear, carve, impale. The sword itself is incongruous because you've been careful to place this in 2003, yet how many of us would keep swords in our possession? It would be more convincing if the speaker were to threaten self-destruction with a handgun or knife or bottle of pills. The classical allusions to mythological deities also seem rather out-of-context, but I can accept those because they're intellectual constructs. A suicide weapon is far more tangible. Say not so long for that would entice Hades to fetch me so soon as I could not stand to break loose from your grasp. Syntactically, this is unclear. The confusion arises at midpoint of the middle line. Maybe "too soon because ..."? I believe I get the message, that if the other person leaves the speaker feels as if she might die rather than live alone. Here's an instance where a single comma (after "soon") would be very helpful. If I were to sum up in a single comment what I would most like to see, it would be to speak with your own voice, not in an imitative style that seems less than authentic. I want to hear April Rose! It's clear that you have a good command of the language and a nice eye for emotional nuance. Let these be given the freedom to express who YOU are, rather than trying to sculpt an image drawn from someone else's example. Having written this during a break at work (I teach secondary English), I apologize for any typos that may have crept into my review. I hope it is helpful and look forward to reading more of your work. My Very Best, Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sean Donaghy On Date: 2003-11-29 11:36:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.04167
April Rose - Sorry, but this reads like a weak attempt to write in the manner of the old master. Your poem is filled with clichés that, In my opinion, Shakespeare would never have touched. There is promise in the structure, however, so my suggestion would be to re-write this with an eye on being more individually creative and not trying to "be" Shakespeare (none of us can be that!). Be yourself! Create your own images and put the language under YOUR control. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but, in the end, it is only a copy of the original. Craft your poetry in the hands of April Rose! Thanks for the read. Sean
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-11-23 20:59:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42857
Dear April, This is an outstanding piece of work. So much so that if I had read it somewhere else and did not know the author I would have thought how much like Shakespear's work it really is. Your word choices and the essence of the entire piece is amazing. In the first stanza you speak of two lovers that must part and you speak of your final embrace as if it were physicaly painful. I love the line..."wake me no more as I close my eyes tonight that I may remember your last kiss as warm as the sunlight and as gentle as a rosebud." What lovely words to express the agony of impending seperation. In the second stanza you speak of Aphrodite and Olympus which keeps the reader in the Shakespear mode...if you will...an example of excellent writing. In the third stanza you plead with your lover not to say adieu (perfect word choice) for you might hurt yourself or perhaps die with devastating grief...."that would entice Hades to fetch me too soon....wonderful word choices here. The last lines are so appropiate but at the same time extremely sad... ..."Take me instead into your soul and together let us say farewell..." This poem is well crafted and beautiful and sure to be a winner. Congrats for a wonderful and talented submission and I hope to read more of your work in the future. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-11-22 16:01:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52778
April I never did like Shakespeare nor have I ever read any of his work but I must say I simply adore this......it is wonderfully structured, your words just flow so filled with love, emotions, and images as one continues to read.........intense is another word which spings forth to my mind........I can honestly say there was not enough of it and I look forward to perhaps more....... Wake me no more as I close my eyes tonight that I may remember your last kiss as warm as the sunlight and as gentle as a rosebud. over and over again your words are magical.....is that what Shakespear was? I must have missed out on a great thing having passed him by......I do thank you for posting this for me to find, for allowing me to read it not only once but three times over that and still I am sure I will go back again for there is something beautiful within. Be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-11-22 11:36:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Wow, April, this is a an outstanding piece. I can see mixed emotions here. First of all, the tone of the poem is poignant as it is saying adieu that could be depicted more on the two lovers or the two persons being binded with a closer relationship. But it is nice to note that the poignance is done artistically (by associating some allusions that seems to be crafted in the hands of Shakespeare). This is not only highlighted by allusions but also metaphor that makes the poem able to see by the readers, that is, giving concrete visuals which is the essential of a good poetry. Also, it is manifested by the use of concrete nouns like ship/plane/sunlight/rosebud, etc. I especially like the second stanza, the allusion is so powerful that makes the loveliest emotion one can feel. I can compare this to a Shakeperean lines! "take me to the gazebo and dance there for eternity" --amazing line here. The original concept is remarkable. You have such an artistic craftmanhip that is your trademark, poet! The ending is simply amazing: "Take me instead into your soul and together let us say farewell..." Very effectively moving! Let me end my input now, I can say that this poem stands powerful with good visuals and deeply felt emotions. Thanks for sharing, April. I crave for more of your poetry. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ken Dauth On Date: 2003-11-21 14:57:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
April, I like this peom a lot...it speaks as if it has a life...at first I was put off by the term Alas..but I kept reading and this work came to life...I like the reference to the greek goddess and petitioning she work a potion for you to keep your love...very poetic use of words "Let not the waves of the ocean" it flows nicely... I am not really convinced this "Say not so long for that would entice Hades to fetch me so soon as I could not stand to break loose from your grasp." is the best choice of wording but it does work nicely in the poem... very good work
This Poem was Critiqued By: Annette L Cowling On Date: 2003-11-20 07:13:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.83333
April - I am partial to this type of poetry, it has such a regal quality to it. Your descriptions are romantically imaginative and this maintains the readers attention. Very well done! Annette
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