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This Poem was Submitted By: Michele Rae Mann On Date: 2003-12-10 22:34:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Boxes

When I peer into the vast empty space I envision dreams some that could be lost And others to be not There is no one color, shape, or size. Just emptiness waiting to be filled. I wonder Is it really just boxes Or is it just me

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-17 06:56:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Good morning poet: Seems to me this is the first time I have read your work so I welcome you to the link. Good structure along with word flow . Seems to me you are speaking of life and using the boxes in exchange. Good work...... and we all know life can be empty of many things till we make something of it. I appreciate your posting, for sharing this with us. Look forward to more of your work. Be safe, please know I am one of those critiquers that speak from their heart and have no knowledge like others that would be able to tear anything apart and help rebuild. I think this one is fine and stands on its own merit. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-12-17 02:51:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
michele, nice piece you got here.short but everything you wanted to say is just there.even the title is well crafted.i have felt the "emptiness waiting to be filled." thanks for posting it.april

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-12-15 19:03:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
What a lovely conceit! I love the thought of the dreams waiting in a limbo of the future to be developed, brought to life. The poem moves well, has good flow forward and the use of language is mature. The wonder of who or what we will become in the future is one that haunts us all, I believe. Good writing, good poem. No suggestions as it works as it is. Rene Fraley

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2003-12-12 08:45:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Michele- Your poem, Boxes, speaks to the emptiness one feels in a large and complex world where we all have many paths down which we could walk. Through our decisions to do, to be, (or not be, that is the question...) we fill some and allow others to remain forever empty. You capture the "largeness" of our world of possibilities by using the word "space" - I wonder if that "space" is truly "empty" though ... In addition, I think your poem could stand to lose a few words: When I peer into [] vast space I envision dreams [] that could be lost And others to be not (I like this unique word order) There is no[t] one color, shape, [n]or size[,] [using 'not' again] [but] emptiness waiting to be filled. [I agree with Mell. 'Just' is a bad word: overused, vague] I wonder [dash or colon here] Is it really [ ] boxes Or is it [ ] me [Again, eliminate the "justs" or substitute other words] One goal I believe poets strive for is to say as much as you can with as few words as possible. Best Wishes Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-12-11 16:41:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
Hi Michele, I don't believe I have ever critiqued your work before now but I am intrigued by this poem. It is terse and somewhat vague but even so there is meaning in the words. At first read I thought you were speaking of depression..."Vast empty space...I envision dreams" but the 2nd or 3rd time I believe you are speaking of a dreamer. Someone who wants to get out of the"boxes"...someone who has great ideas with a lot to say in a creative way but is hampered by a vast number mental barriers..'boxes' that are imagined or perhaps even real...."Dreams..some that could be lost and others to be not"...we should never lose our dreams no matter what the cost to keep them. Our dreams and aspirations keeps us alive, sharp, and quick witted which serves as a path to life. Without them we might as well be dead...."no color, shape, or size, just emptiness waiting to be filled"....we have the ability to fill our own empty spaces it just takes imagination and sometimes just plain guts to do so. I really like this peice...it is thought provoking as all good poetry should be. Blessngs...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: madge B zaiko On Date: 2003-12-11 00:11:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I feel as though the poem has a very strong message that is lost in the vagueness of the ideas... Meaning... I think you are dancing around an idea but not really hitting it on the head. I wouldn't be afraid to add a little bit more to the poem. I envision dreams some that could be lost And others to be not... I don't understand this line "Others to be not.." I hope you do more with this poem cause I truly like the idea of endless boxes... Blessings -Madge

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