This Poem was Submitted By: Michele Rae Mann On Date: 2003-12-20 23:10:13 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Boxes - revisited

When I rake into this diverse vacant space I envision ideas Some that have gone astray Others not No one, color, shape, even size Just emptiness  Wondering Are they just boxes Or Are They me.

Copyright © December 2003 Michele Rae Mann

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-29 17:12:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
in comparison it seems to be you have tightened the pull on this one poet......the meaning still remains true as the other though.......structured well, word flow allows each reader to take with what they want and go on.....perhaps to find a road that one might not have travelled at this time of life yet still there waiting to is filled with many road, much color if you want to take the time to paint it.....or remain dull and just continue on as you are.....I tend to find moer emptiness in your life at this time poet.....perhaps you should try to see things again and you will find your life is more filled then you the thought of 'are these just boxes or are they me"....we are what we want to be nothing more and nothing less this is what you create.....thanks for posting and sharing once again. Be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2003-12-26 18:35:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55556
Reminds me of an old folk song...Little boxes on a hillside, little boxes made of ticky tack, and they all look just the same!" So what boxes are you referring to? You asked a question. The answer is = whatever you want them to be as long as you don't become a prisoner of your own doing. Follow? We all have unanswered questions of much magnitude...sometimes the questions like that are best left alone. Thanks for posting this little philosophical tale.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2003-12-24 09:39:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This metaphor set me on my way today. Looking for self, and sorting through boxes in an empty house. Both feed off of each other. We don't know if the house is box filled from moving, tragedy, or just by one self after a lifetime, but the "house" in the mind has the same questions. In a sense, like life itself, you leave the verdict out for each reader to answer. Well done. This piece is definetly on my voting list. I do have a question, why "rake". Did I miss some symbolism here? There are many more significant words I could have replaced "rake" with. Boxes are as leaves falling off the tree of life? If so let me know. THX Michele
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-12-23 12:56:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Michele: I have not seen your poetry before...if you are new, welcome. I've been ill and away from TPL so I may have missed your presence. I like the title "Boxes" for it could take the reader anywhere. I also like the format used: free verse with two quatrains and one couplet. It has eye appeal on the page. "When I rake into this diverse, vacant space, I envision ideas. Some that have gone astray, others not." Interesting word choices "rake into" and the idea that the boxes are empty which reminds you of ideas that have gone "astray." Boxes are a metaphor for your human interpretation. "Empty boxes" is reminiscent of someone moving and if the person feels empty like the boxes, this can mean a reluctance to move or that there is little to be moved, etc. Part of the charm of your poem is that it is open to diverse interpretations. "No one color, shape, even size: just emptiness. Wondering are they just boxes or are they me." A nice probing into the metaphysical realm, an analysis of self via the medium of boxes. The ending brings the poem full circle with the comparison of empty boxes to your interior self...precursed by the opening stanza where you tell us your ideas have gone stray. I haven't delineated the poetic devices in your piece here but they are noted. Your use of the V sound in S1 with diverse/vacant/envision adds a harmonious note as does the assonance in vacant/space/rake/astray. The twelve sibilant sounds cast a sigh-like sound throughout the poem. For me, this is minimalism at its best. You convey numerous ideas and feelings with a few words. Since I am too verbose, this style of writing fascinates me and I enjoy and try to learn from same. Your poem superficially appears simple but that is deceptive as profundity abounds. I enormously enjoyed this piece and look forward to more of your poetry. I give it high marks, a ***** rating, and congratulations for the accomplishment. Best wishes, Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-12-21 03:49:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.10714
michele, this is a good revision. i like it. good job. april
This Poem was Critiqued By: madge B zaiko On Date: 2003-12-21 00:25:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Definately more concise and clear in your images!! I really like what you've changed. Blessings -Madge
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