This Poem was Submitted By: Michele Rae Mann On Date: 2003-12-20 23:33:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Me and I changed to You

I cry where you cannot see You make me hide you cannot see Everyone studies me If I were free Would it be nothing I projected You not here Me not there Missing Us Craving Us Still, no Us Point given never taken Hurry, save face Are you looking at me I know you can see Will you liberate me

Copyright © December 2003 Michele Rae Mann

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-12-29 22:51:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
This would seemingly depict the up's and downs and in's and out's of schitzophrenia, Michele! Ah ha but I know there must be another motivation here. Perhaps you are describing a severe form of self conciousness in this piece? Very bizarre, and eclectic.. the kind of poetry that throws your reasoning into turmoil for sure. I for one became very unglued as I progressed through the lines, feeling the abstract quality of this swing me from several perspectives about this one.. yet, although it wanders where it will, I think maybe finding another way to phrase "Would it be nothing I projected" might do something positive for the piece, but don't ask me what! - unsure why you didn't throw a question mark after that line too.. And now I must liberate myself from this critique, if in fact you could actually call it that! I will sum up my feelings about this the way I feel when I'm sitting on the couch watching a football game with my husband. When one of the sports announcers draw those circles around all the play footage while trying to explain it, is the closest analogy I can provide to explain my lack of offering any valid comments on this one I will say that it evokes, provokes, pokes and yeah.. chokes all at the same time. You have successfully stumped me Michele, but hey, that's what art is all about right? CHeerz, T

This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-12-29 22:51:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.05263
michele, i believe this is a better one. thanks for sharing it. happy holidays.april
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-27 19:05:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.79167
when my oldest daughter was 16 she left me to live with her dad thinking life would be so much better.....she was wrong and regretted it she is a fine mother and has a l7 year old herself and I guess one could say they do not always see eye to eye on the same that daughter of mine treats me with more respect then back then but somehow I still think there is a bridge to cross for her love does not flow freely.....she has been hurt and holds her feelings deep within.....I have cried many nights over this girl, and in the years since she was 16.....I love her deeply as I do her brother and sister........I pray someday she can just let what past memories hold her stuck and go on......she is a beautiful woman and deserves some happiness in her life..... memories, pain, sorrow, and hope are all felt as I read your poem.,. associating with many parts of it.....I pray that someday your relationship with your daughter will take a better turn, that the love she does feel within her heart for you, her mother, will burst forth and envelope you in her arms.....till then remain true to yourself.....the pain you feel will go away someday.....the love you have given this girl from birth is nothing new to safe my friend, thanks for posting and sharing with us....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-12-24 10:10:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69231
Dear Michele, All of your poetry, that I have read, has such a sad theme and it is obvious that you are feeling pain. At first I thought the pain was from your marriage or perhaps a relationship but you told me it is between you and your daughter. Misunderstandings or disagreements between a child and a parent can be so hurtful and my heart goes out to you. "I cry where you cannot see, you make me hide"....mothers have a habit of keeping the hurt to ourselves as we do not want it to worry our children as our strongest desire is to protect them...that it what you are doing here..."you make me hide"....."If I were free"... People speak of being enslaved by love for a mate or lover but that is nothing compared to the love for a is all consuming and we are never free of it. It begins when our baby is born and given to us to hold and cuddle and it is constant...never leaves us...."You are not not there" me this says she lives in her world and you live in yours and at this time neither of you can see inside the others world. But you time....I know this because I raised a daughter and there were times when I thought we would never agree on anything. Your lines...."missing us, craving us, still no us" I feel so much pathos in these are craving the two of you to meld and become a loving mother - daughter instead of always being at odds with one another. "point given, never taken" matter what your views are and no matter what hers are they are certainly not the same as the understanding just is not there. And the last stanza is especially heart rendering. It seems to me that all you are asking for some mutual place where you can be safe and free from the hurt you are inflicting on each other. Another good but soulful poem which makes me reflect back to the ins and outs of raising a child. Keep writing as right now it is your salvation. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-12-23 19:45:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64286
Hello Michelle, I didn't quite know how to read this poem. It does read well aloud, but the who of the you, I and me is confusing. This reminds me of the inner conversations of someone with a dissociative disorder. Learning the who of who we are is always a powerful action. If this is about a relationship, lover to lover lost, it is also a strong poem. I like poetry that makes me stretch when I read it. I hope I read more of your work. One thing that did occur to me as I was reading was that the partial punctuation was confusing to me. (I tend to be an all or nothing gal.) Have a wonderful holiday season! Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: madge B zaiko On Date: 2003-12-21 00:30:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Interesting! I am curious as to if this is a continuation of your other poem... or a revision? In either case I think that this would go well side by side.. Almost as an epic. How quickly we want to bring a "you" into Meand I... How easily it is to try and encorporate a life into our own and free us from the monotony of Me and I... and yet, how hard it can be. thank you for your poem! Blessings -Madge
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