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This Poem was Submitted By: Robin Ann Crandell On Date: 2004-01-06 23:31:52 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Sweet Irony

Silence only makes me wonder, What life could have given to us. What could have been between you and I? We would have been happy. We would have loved each other so much. Eternity would have flown by, And we wouldn't have turned back. Our lips would have met Our bodies would have engaged. Our souls would have mated. Our love would have bloomed. Bloomed into a million opportunities; Our happiness would have been everlasting. Wanting you the way I do, Only makes me weaker. I dream of all that should have been, But this sweet irony brings me back. I live daily the destiny that was meant for you and I. It is not you who I kiss. It is not you who I embrace. I live meaninglessly. I can not see you, I can not hear you, Touch you or feel you. After dreaming you, I come back to life. I realize our time was limited; Only a glimpse of what could have been. My days are endless. I live with no direction. Pain is all that's left, Left for me inside these walls. Then I think of what you've done to me. I see how my life was changed from the moment our eyes met. How, I viewed life from a different perspective. How your world changed mine. Sadly, those moments were not enough for you. Now, all that remains are memories I will hold dear. The memory of a love, A love that was not set free. The love among two that was not given the chance. I am now left alone. Left with the sweet mist of your breath, The shine of your eyes in my mind, The desire that never became, And your sweet voice to haunt me for the rest of my days. Here in the silence of these walls, I will reminisce of the short-lived love. Of two lovers united by chance, Separated by destiny.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-01-30 15:29:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hello Robin, I am so sorry that your love was unrequited. That is so sad! I will address the poem itself first: The poem is neither rhymed nor metered. It has good flow, moving well from beginning to end, with no appreciable halts. The first person voice works well here, the emotions come through powerfully, and yet are not overrwhelming. The reader is able to identify with the poet at once. I particularly liked "the sweet mist of your breath", which I though was a striking image. On a personal note, I hope that writing this down has helped you. I find that the only way to let go of something is to write it to death, and I'm glad to see you have the start of a sad acceptance. I won't offer you a "band-aid", as only you can pace your healing, but know that you are not alone. Take care and please keep on writing. It's obvious that you have skill... Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-16 18:28:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
I can feel something slipping from the grasp of this poet. The emotion is there, and it's stated clearly. Many times when written in an emotional state, sometimes things will be stated very simplistically, as is done in this poem. This in not an indictment, however. Take the pain and distill it a bit more, and you will be there.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-01-13 18:11:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Poet, you have placed on paper in great structure form with superb word flow bringing forth images and emotions as one reads, never a moment that tangles as one feels the pain, sorrow, yet at times the intense love relationship that never developed more then it had.......the sadness here is that perhaps you both now share your life with someone else and you my dear are not able to let go of this love that was not able to live thus your memories are so holding you where you are...... I am now left alone. Left with the sweet mist of your breath, The shine of your eyes in my mind, The desire that never became, And your sweet voice to haunt me for the rest of my days. the above stanza says it all.......and I am sure so many that will come to read this poem will associate with it in one way or another .....for over and over again this takes place all around the world. Thank you for posting and sharing this with us. Be safe, God Bless, Claire This reads like a charm and by that I mean it does not falter, it does not slow, it holds the readers attention from start to finish thus I would not change a thing.....

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2004-01-12 12:22:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Robin, As I read this I started to wonder if this weren't someone using a pen name and communicating directly to me. Such is the power of your prose that I would suppose there are quite a few of us who wonder if you are talking directly to us. In the opening two stanza's, Silence only makes me wonder, What life could have given to us. What could have been between you and I? We would have been happy. We would have loved each other so much. Eternity would have flown by, And we wouldn't have turned back. you have captured that sense of eternal loss that fills us with it's emptiness. I don't know much about destiny, but I know that we all make decisions that after the fact feel like destiny. Your poem so beatifully details what it feels like to be on the other side of that decision. Having been on both sides, I'm not really sure which cross is the harder to bear. Wonderful work which inspires much contemplation on this readers side of the page. Rick

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-01-10 20:53:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
What a sad sad story. Your pain screams at the reader in this offering. I loved it! From a critical standpoint, I have only one comment. I am not sure that I grasped exactly what was ironic. Was it the fact that you wanted this person but you couldn't have him? I am a little slow sometimes, but I am guessing that is what it was. I think it may have been reality that brought you back and not sweet irony...but I don't want to second-guess your intention. Thank you for writing this interesting and moving poem. Mick

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-01-08 16:39:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Robin, I don't believe I have had the pleasure of reading your work and am pleased that this one showed up on my list. It tells a very sad tale and as I read it I could feel the words and raw emotions coming straight from your heart. from a technical point of view..(which I usually don't do as I critique from my gut)..I suppose you could tighten the lines up a bit. But I know these words poured out of your mind and heart just the way they are written..this is a valuable asset for any writer weather it is rhyme or prose. I feel this overwhelming love and need came from an affair rather than a death...perhaps an affair that was not meant to be from the beginning...."Eternity would have flown by and we wouldn't have turned back."..."wanting you the way I do only makes me weaker"...this is such a sad statement. I am a widow but sometimes I think a divorce or end of any relationship is the hardest of all..because the person is still alive but not to the one who grieves..."I live with no direction...pain is all that's left"..."Now all that remains are memories"...one must always treasure memories as they can never be taken away from us and they do not have to be shared...but better yet we can visit them anytime. This is a lovely piece even tho it is full of pathos and gives this reader a sad feeling in my chest...sorrow for a love lost is a feeling I can surely relate to. Keep writing! Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2004-01-07 20:53:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Robin You must be new on TPL... or at least in the time I've been visiting here. There is such bitter-sweet emotion reaching out to captivate here. I'm thinking that both kinds of departing, due to death or just unrealistic expectations could indeed present the motivation here. Although you describe such rich facets of soulful retrospect here, it still keeps this true cause vague.. an element which seems to haunt the piece throughout. Because a reason of physical death is too gloomy for me personally, I'm thinking of this one as one proclaiming a deep yearning for someone out of reach due to the realities of life that ultimately separates them. Ok, an affair.... some romantically induced, but unfinished business. Of course the melancholy seeps through each stanza, clouding the dreamlike quality of verse. It overflows with raw emotion, humbly exposed, painfully charged and glued together with sentiment. With all that said, I believe this was probably written mostly ad-lib so to speak. Confessions from the dark sea of the soul... and such was the basis for the entire movie "Titanic", remember? I suppose as a critiquer here, I might point out a few things to consider which I often do with regard to this type of heartfelt poetry. Lose the periods. You are not constrained by any formalities here, only that which is limited by the sporadic ventings of the heart. Periods seem to abruptly signal the end to a thought process. In poetry such as this, the mind needs no boundaries, as there is enough that binds us in reality. Structurewise, you might try staggering the thoughts.. verses.. moving with the implulse from which the soul pours them out. A couple of the longer verses might be shortened. For example: "I see how my life was changed from the moment our eyes met." Maybe just: "I feel my life changed... the moment our eyes met", or something similar. In other words, the lines don't necessarily have to be a complete sentence or chain of thought. This would make them seem to ramble as feelings often do when spoken candidly. Well, anyway, for whatever sense I made here, it might be something to consider as far as charging up the piece. But as far as the content, and definition within the lines, you have definitely hit your mark. Keep writing... hope to see more from you! Cheerz, T

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