This Poem was Submitted By: Jane A Day On Date: 2004-01-20 02:46:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Postcards to Eva

1. My mother once found us drowning in the huge heads of sunflowers-- the flowers’ thick stems and the silk from your mother’s corn choking us. Yellow rubbed into our mouths. Green marked our entire bodies. We were cousins. Weeds, blooms, and thistles tattooed  the same strange patterns through our chests and along our arms. 2. You paint  a baby’s rattle, faucets, swing sets, beards, and bread rising  on a counter top.  Objects only  and vivid color.  You never use the brailled rise of oil paint.   The flat shine  of watercolor shapes  your paintings.  If I went deaf, would my poetry go to sound? 3. On Saturday, I washed my daughter’s hair in the kitchen sink just as Grandma washed ours in the summers we stayed with her. Our bodies lifted and stretched along each side of the counter  until our hair met and tangled in the drain of her double sink. You weren’t afraid of the sink even though your father had mistaken mop water for bath water when you were 3 months old. He cleaned you in Lysol until you were blind. 4. Are you coming  for Christmas this year?  I know it is only May  but my mother  wants to know. 5. I saw Grandmother last week when we went shopping for melons.   Even the honeydew are too much for her now.  She had a bridge tournament that Sunday (after Church)  and wanted, no needed, to make a melon ball boat. She and Ethel lost badly and everyone avoided the cantaloupe. 6. Uncle Drew died,  right after Halloween.   Since he was my uncle  and not yours, I didn’t bother to call.  I think you only met him once or twice. The last time I saw him  he was laid up in bed,  smoking, saying, “This is medicine.”  Gone on Codeine, refusing Morphine. 7. Come for the summer. It smells better here than it looks. Lemonade, mowed lawns, and jelly-sticky children await your nose. I miss you mainly in summer because you always got to the ice cream truck  first and bought me red, white and blue dripping rockets. Do you remember color? 8. My dad is getting married  again. Just the immediate family this time.  My sisters are flying in from Houston.  She seems nice although she likes dresses with flowers on them  a bit too much. Remember, how much hair he had? It use to fall  into our mouths when he would carry us piggy back.  All gone. Now, we would only get a mouthful of skin. Salty and slick.  9. a Here’s a poem for you, Bzzzzzzz           zzzzz              zz the rub of a tapping foot against the floor bzzzzzz z    zzzzzzzz  z a stoppage of sound zzzz breath zz  zzzzzzzzzz the shuffle of a newspaper zzzz leaves rustle or is it the beginning of stalking?   bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz    zz zz zzzzzzz z the smoosh of a tiny body breaking. 10. When first you moved to New York from California, I use to count the states between us and imagine what they felt like against your skin as you passed through them. Kansas, a wildfire, Texas, sandpaper, Louisiana, a damp tissue at the throat. Then, I realized you were never coming home to tell me  Pennsylvania feels like grass and Maryland is sugar through the hands. I am still here so I’ll tell you     California is the brown center of a sunflower drying after the briefest rain.

Copyright © January 2004 Jane A Day


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2004-01-28 22:32:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
And now I am jealous. This is excellent writing, Jane. The bee poem is absolutely brilliant. I don't care much for the numbering, however. Its a little distracting, and yet a very minor gripe. Hey, I had to critique something. Best, Mark


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-01-23 16:52:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
California is the brown center of a sunflower drying after the briefest rain. And Jane Day is the best damn poet in the state and beyond a couple of suggestions 1. My mother once found us drowning in the [-huge, we know they are big]] heads of sunflowers-- the flowers’ thick stems and the silk from your mother’s corn choking us. Yellow rubbed into our mouths. Green marked our entire bodies. We were cousins. Weeds, blooms, and thistles tattooed the same strange patterns through our chests and along our arms. ahhhh lovely 2. You paint a baby’s rattle, faucets, swing sets, beards, and bread rising on a counter top. Beards on a counter top? Actually, I have had it happen - but it was weird Objects only and vivid color. You never use the brailled [nice foreshadowing]rise of oil paint. The flat shine of watercolor shapes your paintings. If I went deaf, would my poetry go to sound? wow great speculation 3. On Saturday, I washed my daughter’s hair in the kitchen sink just as Grandma washed ours in[our summers together]. [Your body and mine ]lifted and stretched along each side of the counter until our hair met and tangled in the drain of her double sink. You weren’t afraid of the sink even though your father had mistaken mop water for bath water when you were 3 months old. He cleaned you in Lysol until you were blind. 4. Are you coming for Christmas this year? I know it is only May but my mother wants to know. 5. I saw Grandmother last week when we went shopping for melons. Even the honeydew are too much for her now. She had a bridge tournament that Sunday (after Church) and wanted, no needed, to make a melon ball boat. She and Ethel lost badly and everyone avoided the cantaloupe. 6. Uncle Drew died, right after Halloween. Since he was my uncle and not yours, I didn’t bother to call. I think you only met him once or twice. The last time I saw him he was laid up in bed, smoking, saying, “This is medicine.” Gone on Codeine, refusing Morphine. 7. Come for the summer. It smells better here than it looks. Lemonade, mowed lawns, and jelly-sticky children await your nose. I miss you mainly in summer because you always got to the ice cream truck first and bought me red, white and blue dripping rockets. Do you remember color? 8. My dad is getting married again. Just the immediate family this time. My sisters are flying in from Houston. She seems nice although she likes dresses with flowers on them a bit too much. Remember, how much hair he had? It use to fall into our mouths when he would carry us piggy back. All gone. Now, we would only get a mouthful of skin. Salty and slick. 9. a Here’s a poem for you, Bzzzzzzz zzzzz zz the rub of a tapping foot against the floor bzzzzzz z zzzzzzzz z a stoppage of sound zzzz breath zz zzzzzzzzzz the shuffle of a newspaper zzzz leaves rustle or is it the beginning of stalking? bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zz zz zzzzzzz z the smoosh of a tiny body breaking. 10. When first you moved to New York from California, I use to count the states between us and imagine what they felt like against your skin as you passed through them. Kansas, a wildfire, Texas, sandpaper, Louisiana, a damp tissue at the throat. Then, I realized you were never coming home to tell me Pennsylvania feels like grass and Maryland is sugar through the hands. I am still here so I’ll tell you California is the brown center of a sunflower drying after the briefest rain.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-01-23 13:44:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37838
This my dear poet reminds me of my relationship with my 'Cuz' Diane........she was a year younger then I but we were so close growing up.......and as your cousin did mine moved away from home, and to this day I have not heard from her........I know where she is, I have written but she does not respond.....sad, breaks my heart at times...... Nicely structured poem or rather short story form perhaps......your words are ever su busy telling one tale into another, stopping, feeling, sharing of experiences, it is wonderfully stated throughout. The images that are projected with the flare of your pen add to the beauty of the piece and the journey through your lives is well worth the read.......perhaps we might find a sequel in the near future? Would be nice....... the poem you speak of in the middle of the read leaves a bit much to my imagination and I feel somehow the cousin was hurt deeply by some family memember......just a feeling of course.......and did her father literally wash her in lysol causing her to lose her sight? I had liquid plumber spilt into my right eye once and to this day it still causes my sight to come and go....actually its frightening to know someday I will be blind due to it.....sad if that really happened to your cousin at such a young age though..... Again, thanks for posting and sharing with us....be safe, look forward to your work each time I see your name...you are a very gifted writer. Be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-01-22 13:23:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jane: The feel of intimacy, reading this piece is so strong that it felt as though I were flipping through mental album pages (feelings attached) of my own life. The cousin's blindness, yet her painting objects; the cryptic references which seem to allude to horrific abuse; the sensory impressions; a vivid overlay of deep loneliness and shared experience -- all draw me as a reader into the work so that I felt as though I had been teleported through time. My uncertainty about the speaker's own experience of what is detailed here as well as her cousin's present well-being are part of what makes this piece electric. You "paint in vivid color" throughout. My curiosity about the sensory experiences of the blind is intensified. If the cousin became blind at three months, then she wouldn't have an awareness of "green" or "brown" = yet the speaker seems to be giving her these perceptions by association with experience. The cousin would remember the smell of sunflowers, the feel of the stems, the "yellow rubbed into our mouths." It is as if I am the blind cousin, receiving these words. In a sense, we are blind to one another's experiences, as we cannot be in someone else's skin or nervous system. But the poem has a quality of synesthesia. 1. My mother once found us drowning in the huge heads of sunflowers-- the flowers’ thick stems and the silk from your mother’s corn choking us. Yellow rubbed into our mouths. Green marked our entire bodies. We were cousins. Weeds, blooms, and thistles tattooed the same strange patterns through our chests and along our arms. As always - I love the sounds you choose. For example, "huge heads" juxtaposed with "thick stems." and "weeds/blooms" with "thistles/tatooed" mark this as a poem and far far from prosaic. 2. You paint a baby’s rattle, faucets, swing sets, beards, and bread rising on a counter top. Objects and vivid color. How would she have painted these objects if blinded as a tiny infant, I wondered. The "beard" in the midst of swing sets and bread rising lends an eerie, surreal quality. I suspend 'disbelief' to absorb the tone and nuances. You never use the brailled rise of oil paint. The flat shine of watercolor shapes your paintings. If I went deaf, would my poetry go to sound? 3. On Saturday, I washed my daughter’s hair in the kitchen sink just as Grandma washed ours in the summers we stayed with her. Our bodies lifted and stretched along each side of the counter until our hair met and tangled in the drain of her double sink. You weren’t afraid of the sink even though your father had mistaken mop water for bath water when you were 3 months old. He cleaned you in Lysol until you were blind. This is horrifying. In the midst of it all. How does a child survive what seems like attempted murder? 4. Are you coming for Christmas this year? I know it is only May but my mother wants to know. 5. I saw Grandmother last week when we went shopping for melons. Even the honeydew are too much for her now. She had a bridge tournament that Sunday (after Church) and wanted, no needed, to make a melon ball boat. She and Ethel lost badly and everyone avoided the cantaloupe. This section contrasts jarringly with the baby dipped in Lysol. The ordinariness of "shopping for melons" and bridge tournaments seems almost obscene as these images settle next to the blinded baby. 7. Come for the summer. It smells better here than it looks. Lemonade, mowed lawns, and jelly-sticky children await your nose. These fragrant images are appealing. The invitation is warm, as are the sentiments. But I have an uneasy feeling that the one to whom the poem is addressed will not be able to make the journey. I miss you mainly in summer because you always got to the ice cream truck first and bought me red, white and blue dripping rockets. Do you remember color? 8. My dad is getting married again. Just the immediate family this time. My sisters are flying in from Houston. She seems nice although she likes dresses with flowers on them a bit too much. Remember, how much hair he had? It use to fall into our mouths when he would carry us piggy back. All gone. Now, we would only get a mouthful of skin. Salty and slick. 9. a Here’s a poem for you, Bzzzzzzz zzzzz zz the rub of a tapping foot against the floor bzzzzzz z zzzzzzzz z a stoppage of sound zzzz breath zz zzzzzzzzzz the shuffle of a newspaper zzzz leaves rustle or is it the beginning of stalking? bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zz zz zzzzzzz z the smoosh of a tiny body breaking. This is the part that haunted me throughout my rereadings of this poem. Everything else falls away. 10. When first you moved to New York from California, I use to count the states between us and imagine what they felt like against your skin as you passed through them. Kansas, a wildfire, Texas, sandpaper, Louisiana, a damp tissue at the throat. Then, I realized you were never coming home to tell me (Maybe this is where I picked up the feeling that she is "never coming home" at all.) Pennsylvania feels like grass and Maryland is sugar through the hands. I am still here so I’ll tell you California is the brown center of a sunflower drying after the briefest rain. Weirdly, the word "dying" is what I saw when I read "drying." The references to "stalking/smoosh of a tiny body breaking/he cleaned you in Lysol until you were blind" evoke shock, sorrow and outrage in this reader. The textures of "wildfire/sandpaper/a tissue at the throat", "grass" and "sugar through the hands" all elicit soothing, discomfiting and mournful sensations all at once. There is great tenderness implied - loneliness and perhaps, survivor guilt. This is a haunting poem which will not be easily released from my imagination. Thank you for this remarkable poem, once more. I always marvel at your ability to place the reader within the experience of another. My best to you, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-01-21 16:50:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
HI Jane, What a numbered poem wherein each one can stand on its own. Ah, each one is contained in one postcard you sent to that peson! I am interested that it has 10 shall I say "parts" coz number 10 is my favorite. Just a boisterous thought! Well, let me try to absorb the story behind the postcards to Eva. In the first postcard, I am thinking that you were once bonded by this person in a unique way. There is friendship your shared. You stated you were cousins which suggests a strong bond between you. But there seems to be different in that bonding because you associate drowning, choking... this means something else. The metaphor is deep that maybe I am not able to grasp. Interesting, indeed! I like the artistry in the second postcard. The imagery is nice to visualize. I am amazed at your phrase: If I went deaf, would my poetry go to sound? ....wonderfullly original? I can now sense the strange feel about what happened between the two of you. I can sense harsness like you mentioned "He cleaned you in Lysol until you were blind." The fourth postcard is short but I can feel the reminscing thought asking that person if she is coming this Christmas to be in your house or whatever. I just read the fifth and the sixth postcard tying to see its relevance to the whole theme. The seventh postcard seems to be colorful for you. You miss the presence of that person in summer that once painted your life with splendid color. The eight, I just read it! Hehe. The ninth, interesting poem you wrote. It seemed that you are trying to wake up that person with the buzzing. And the last postcard left me a sad tone! I assume that your contact with this person is no longer established and you missed it a lot! Alright, this is enough. My input here is quite disturbing. I'm sorry because I am dissecting each postcard trying to know the story but I am having fun! Thanks for sharing! Jordan.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-20 13:50:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.55556
This an interesting and novel format. Thanks for this, as it is quite a cool way to identify the "poet", giving a unique, but necessarily distant voice. Good job. Onto the individual sections are interestingm holding up on their own, as you would imagine. Taken as a whole, it sounds like a slightly sad, normal life. How people are doing and so on. I like it very much, in it's own quirky way. It's not a poem I can think of writing, as I don't think about things in that way. It seems a more feminine way of expression, if you pardon me. Like when my wife puts little notes in my lunch- it's very thoughtful and postcards I think of very much that way. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-01-20 08:56:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Sounds, sights, tactickles and more Jane A'Day. Would that we could but fly far away, back to the meat, the melon balls the ice dripping on your flat shirt and my shoes on backwards i still don't know right from wrong i meant left.
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