This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-02-08 15:45:08 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Dirt Devil

Sizzling sun bears down on the etched earth disturbed only by a sporadic zealous breeze.  A bald eagle soars aloft, eyes in an aquiline head, vigilant for prey. A taupe and ivory Antelope with pronged crown moseys across the tundra.  The only sound in this simple scene is the soft scruff of tumbleweed as it sweeps a path across the pallid plain. A surprise gust of Zephyr spawns an eddy of wizened soil. A staunch and jaunty dirt devil emerges.  He skips happily, whirls with abandon, spinning like a tiny twisting typhoon. Determined to excite a dirt blizzard with his tapered tail he gyrates and birls but begins to fizzle.  His taut torso opens wide as he strives to stay alive, subdued his zeal returns to dust. His antics only a hazy memory in the wizard sun.

Copyright © February 2004 marilyn terwilleger


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-07 11:31:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69565
Dirt Devil Marilyn i already critiqued this marvelous poem and it got lost so i will try again before my computer crashes. Pelase excuse the typos Sizzling sun bears down on the etched earth disturbed only by a [-sporadic] zealous breeze.  if you get rifd of "sporadic" the lovely assonance of " zealous breeze will be even more powerful and i thkjnk it woul scan a little better  A bald eagle soars aloft, eyes in an aquiline head, vigilant for prey. [great visual] A taupe and ivory Antelope with pronged crown moseys across the tundra.  The only sound in this simple scene is the soft scruff of tumbleweed as it sweeps a path across the pallid plain. I can see this as a painting - wonderful work A surprise [-] Zephyr spawns an eddy of wizened soil. A staunch and jaunty dirt devil emerges.  He skips happily, whirls with abandon, spinning like a tiny twisting typhoon. love the personification of this dervish! Determined to excite a dirt blizzard with his tapered tail he gyrates and birls but begins to fizzle.[you have amazing z sounds in this piece]  His taut torso opens wide as he strives to stay alive, subdued his zeal returns to dust. His antics only a hazy memory in the wizard sun. great word play - visuals and story


This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-27 19:52:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Ah, the zzzz's don't even pretend to be sleeping here. I can see that "little devil" doing his thing. Wonderful piece, a very enjoyable piece with vivid imagery. Wonderful alliteration throughout. A lot of action, even in the silent beginning, building throughout, and then "fizzling" brilliantly in the last stanza. The only thing I might suggest is an inspection of the line lengths, esp. in the 1st stanza, or is the enjambment more powerful. I don't know. Only a very minor thought. Delete if you like! Great job! :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-25 03:51:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Marilyn, I’m again stranded by your natural talent in “nature” poetry. And to associate tiny twisters as “Dirt Devil” is so so clever! Only you Marilyn can do this! Did I said it before, yes, I think a thousand times already…that you are so so good with these! Playful words for your playful observation, love and respect to nature. This is rich with wildlife. Is this a continuation of your haiku “Tornado”? For me, you are like Mother Earth of poetry! From beginning to the end of the poem, the choice of words and imageries are truly compelling. Each phrase, each line is consistent, associated to each other and perfect for the complete storytelling. Sizzling sun bears down on the etched earth disturbed only by a sporadic zealous breeze. A bald eagle soars aloft, eyes in an aquiline head, vigilant for prey. --- How you described the sun is just perfect. I can feel the burning heat / wave of the desert sun. To add the “bald eagle” just completes the scenario. You just know how to spice your stanza presentation. I find it not “out-of-place”, so befitting! “A taupe and ivory Antelope with pronged crown moseys across the tundra. The only sound in this simple scene is the soft scruff of tumbleweed as it sweeps a path across the pallid plain.” --- Great words and subjects, “tundra” and “tumbleweed”. To add the “Antelope” is to complete the “wildlife” puzzle. Are you a frequent traveler? From the Safari? Great add-ons! “A surprise gust of Zephyr spawns an eddy of wizened soil. A staunch and jaunty dirt devil emerges. He skips happily, whirls with abandon, spinning like a tiny twisting typhoon.” --- I like how you get your title “Dirt Devil”. 1st and 2nd stanzas conditioned the readers with its surroundings first. The way you introduced your subject in the 3rd stanza is perfect. I find it carefully planned. Great effort! I appreciate it! “Determined to excite a dirt blizzard with his tapered tail he gyrates and birls but begins to fizzle. His taut torso opens wide as he strives to stay alive, subdued his zeal returns to dust. His antics only a hazy memory in the wizard sun.” --- This is my favorite stanza because it embodies your subject “Dirt Devil”. From its tail to torso, this is so clever! My mind is visualizing it instantly. “His antics only a hazy memory in the wizard sun” - you just end this marvelously! I admit, I’m quite worried on how you would end this wonderful start, but it just get better. You save the best for last! So playful, yet it sticks within my mind…inescapable! “as he strives to stay alive” is one beautiful characterization too. As if it has a mind of its own. Brilliant! Though I find the last stanza a bit long (something not aligned or not positioned well), I find this overall skillfully done! For me, this will go with my Winner’s List, no doubt! Congratulations in advance Marilyn…you have done it again! Thanks for posting this for (my) our enjoyment! As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-02-19 20:31:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47368
I like the picture this poem paints in the mind's eye. Both in aspects of the animate and inanimate objects. It reminds me a bit of Jordan's work, which for me is high praise. It may just be the Zephyr reference, though! It's very much a earthy, but not dirty poem. I like it because it's got a "big" feel to it, and I am prejudiced that way. The title kinda gives away the farm, though, right off. Great work, I really enjoyed it. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-16 16:30:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Dear Marilyn, What a wonderful visual poem this is! Sizzling sun bears down on the etched earth disturbed only by a sporadic zealous breeze. (This has wonderful alliteration, both with the z's and the s's) A bald eagle soars aloft, eyes in an aquiline head, vigilant for prey. (The symbol of our country, proud and vigilant. This is beautiful to think of, and imagine. Just seeing the beautiful eagle included in the Nascar pre race entertainment just made my heart swell with pride) THe second stanza then has wonderful alliteration with the exploding p sounds. Then you get into the little dust devil himself. Described to perfection with beautiful words and sounds pleasant to the ear when you hear them read outloud. subdued his zeal returns to dust. His antics only a hazy memory in the wizard sun. (again we have the wonderful z sounds and along with the s's to make a pleasant sounding ending, quiet as a sigh) This was a pleasure to read Marilyn, thanks for sharing. Sherri He skips happily, whirls with abandon, spinning like a tiny twisting typhoon. (A delightful paragraph that just has to make the saddest person smile! The sight of a little dirt devil jumping up and finally being free from the earth to dance and spin. I feel a little like that myself sometimes.)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Carolyn Minsker On Date: 2004-02-14 07:13:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear Marilyn, As an easterner, I haven't had the pleasure to witness many a dirt devil, and the poor puny ones out here barely cling to life. Your title brought to mind my vacuum, so I was pleasantly surprised by the image of your personified little devil, given life by the wind and the dust. almost like us. I enjoyed your imagery very much, so that I was more forgiving about the uneven gait and my nitpicky observations, such as the punctuation that brought undue attention to eyes(,) in an aquiline head. You paint a picture of a marvelously vivid dry desert noonday, and yet "typhoon" unexpectedly suggests a wet tropic storm. This little dirty devil deserves more Active Verbs! so I offer some suggestions for strengthening the active voice (not addressing the meter since that is particularly the author's preference) for your consideration, or not, and I thank you for allowing me the pleasure to read and critique your poem, and I apologize for taking such liberties with it. Sizzling sun bears down on the etched earth, disturbed only by sporadic zealous breeze. Soaring aloft, the aquiline bald eagle vigilantly eyes the ground for prey The pronged crown of a taupe and ivory Antelope moseys across the tundra. The only sound is the soft scruff of tumbleweed as it sweeps a path across the pallid plain A surprise gust of Zephyr spawns an eddy of wizened soil: a staunch and jaunty dirt devil emerges. He skips happily, whirls with abandon, spinning like a tiny twisting tornado. His tapered tail excites a tiny dirt blizzard he gyrates and birls but begins to fizzle. His taut torso opens wide as he strives to stay alive, then zeal subdued returns to dust, antics only a hazy memory in the sun. Sincerely, Carolyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-12 17:09:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55556
To see through your eyes the wonders of your world, to experience what is never or hardly seen or felt here in Tully......dirt devils....indeed to me they represent those little red vacuums of fire power...hehehe....and perhaps once in awhile when the wind blows heartly the dirt may twist and rise to the occassion traveling down the road in top form......perhaps that is your dirt devil.....to me it is a pile of dirt moving from here to there and not very far indeed for the air gets tired of carrying it along..... though the stucture is superb and your words allow for a nice read the images also projected makes this readers world come to life with images not seen or felt here at home ........in comparison the grass is green the waters run down from the hills behind the house and the beavers are busy across the way blocking up more water way.....love the term sizzling sun for right now that brings heat to my heart but I can imagine a sizzling sun in the middle of the summer when temps might reach well into the hundreds and rain has escaped the season for such a long time....the dirt then is thin, easy to lift with the slighest of breezes and your images continue on......how majestic to be able to see a bald eagle.........and yes, how sharp their view is from those eyes they are given to use......wonderfully done poet......to be able to see the antelope mosey across the tundra........the closest I come to a tundra is the open field across the way and that my dear friend will be flooded come early spring and the snakes will settle in and believe me you do not want to walk around there then......no, no no......and watch for them crossing over into the yard....YUK............big, black and nine plus feet in length...............need to target practice more I guess. over and over again your pen has created yet another masterpiece which I am sure will make the top list at the end of the month and one can certainly see your little dirt devil in closing stanza.... Thank you for posting, for sharing and creating this one as well......might even do well in book form for children with pictures.........be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-02-09 16:31:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Marilyn--What a great tongue twisting teaser. I see these whirly little dusty demons quite often in Arizona. Superb use of repeat letters: the title (dirt devil) is full of allits as well as the piece (sizzling sun/etched earth/an aquiline/sound...simple scene...soft scruff...sweeps/pallid plain/dirt devil/whirls with/ tiny twisting typhoon/tapered tail/birls but begins/taut toro). Vivid imagery created by metaphoric descriptors (bears down; sporadic zealous breeze; with pronged crown; tumbleweed as it sweeps a path; zephyr spawns an eddy; staunch and jaunty; he skips happily; determine to excite; he gyrates; his antics; a hazy memory in the wizard sun). This combo of allits and metaphors also produce a nice rhythmic tone throught out the poem. Thanks for sharing this cute fun piece (more of same please). TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-02-09 12:42:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
wow! talk about leaving the reader with a picture, this poem, your usuage of linguists, all framed in what one would consider the arrid plains, neat picture. As I rolls across that region I was struck with the difference in how the Northeast looks, all the beautiful greens, fauna, and sparkling fresh water ponds, that scenic wonder I grew up in, so as the bus stopped at different spots one could look to the horizon, so dry, that tumbleweeds doing as you described, the dust devil is something I never say first hand, but listening to different takes on the area, there isn't any doubt in my mind you caught the full essence in this poem. Guess I'm too much a yankee, I take the woods, and the differnt hues of green, the sparkling, refreshing of brooks, ponds and lake. All in all you certainly captured the essence of that region artfully, using wonderful descriptives, and throughly made this poem an interesting read, and subject matter to contemplate, great job Marilyn. Congratulations on your finish for January, well deserved. Best regards, Love, Jo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Robin Ann Crandell On Date: 2004-02-09 12:13:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn, I like your poem very much. It's very easy to read, and flows with ease. My favorite part: A taupe and ivory Antelope with pronged crown moseys across the tundra. The only sound in this simple scene is the soft scruff of tumbleweed as it sweeps a path across the pallid plain. It's written out so beautifully and with such description, is like I was there watching it myself. Like I have an actual memory of it happening in my mind. Very good work here. I really enjoyed reading this piece. Thank you very much for sharing. Robin.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-02-08 18:25:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn: First, congratulations on your win in January, well-deserved. I posted a whining note on the forum when I should keep my large mouth shut but I get so tired of the complaints about the contest! This poem is a dazzling jewel and I don't know where to begin. My printed copy looks like Chinese characters with all the marks I made. Your linguistics growth is a joy to behold and I love nature poems as deftly limned as you've done here. We call them whirlwinds in Texas and dust devils, too. I can't capture every poetic detail here but I'll point to the ones most appealing to me. I started to suggest deleting the capitals and then I thought, if Emily D. could do it, so can Marilyn T. "Sizzling sun bears down on the etched earth disturbed only by a sporadic zealous breeze. A bald eagle soars aloft, eyes in an aquiline head, vigilant for prey." For me, sporadic and zealous do not work well together; if that zealous, it would be more than sporadic. Also, aloft is not necessary as he soars only one place. The descriptor "aquiline" is exquisite. Both allits work well and the assonance of earth/disturbed enhances, too. You are beginning to paint a beautiful picture. "A taupe and ivory antelope with pronged crown moseys across the tundra. The only sound in this simple scene is the soft scruff of tumbleweed (as) it sweeps a path across the pallid plain." The entire stanza is a work of art with so much sibilance, my ears are rejoicing. "Taupe and ivory" is thrilling to the senses as well as "pronged crown." (I messed up the line). Crown/sound is nice as is sweep/weed and again, three allits make this lyrical. The entire landscape seems a shade of brown. "A surprise gust of zephyr spawns an eddy of wizened soil. A staunch and jaunty dirt devil emerges. He skips happily, whirls with abandon, spinning like (a) tiny, twisting typhoon." Another grand stanza. The personification of a breeze "spawning" a dirt devil is quite unique. Your simile of typhoon works very well with the imagery and the metaphor of the devil himself is charming. I especially like "whirls with abandon" and both allits are good for the harmony. Staunch/jaunty/spawn and the assonance of zephyr/dirt/emerge...again, how lyrical can one poem be? "Determined to excite a dirt blizzard with his tapered tail he gyrates and birls but begins to fizzle. His taut torso opens wide as he strives to stay alive, subdued, his zeal returns to dust. His antics only a hazy memory in the wizard sun." Great build up to the ending when he fizzles away and is only a hazy memory. The language of wizard, wizened, whirling is so exact for your scene. You make us FEEL about a short-term twirl of wind and that means grand writing. I love your Z sounds here: blizzard/fizzle/zeal/hazy/wizard and your T and B allits. I think you have outdone yourself, Marilyn. I keep telling you that each poem is better and this one ranks very high with me. Your use of language is a delight for me...you are the only person I've seen use the word "birl" beside me. All I can say is this one should be at the top again next month. Simply grand! Brava! Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-02-08 17:37:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Marilyn, First of all conratulations for your winning piece last month. It was the piece that really moved me to the max because it seems to speak to me. Anyway, this one is wonderfully written with the personification of Dirt Devil. You spoke of the that entity that stands for darkness. That predator can be a metaphor which can be interpreted in many different ways. "Sizzling sun bears down on the etched earth disturbed only by a sporadic zealous breeze. A bald eagle soars aloft, eyes in an aquiline head, vigilant for prey." You have a good visual with all your wonderful descriptors. Nice start of with sibilance. Assonance also takes into effect with 'e', 'z' in zealous and breeze is also nice to pronounce. It is funny to visualize that you described "bald" eagle. In the second stanza, the imagery is light and mellow with no trace of darkness. I like the phrase "soft scruff of tumbleweed as it sweeps a path across the pallid plain." It is alliterating. In the third stanza, I like the inclusion of Zephyr. I overused that word in my poetry (I don't know if you have noticed) and I like to use it because it manifest coolness and refreshing thoughts. But here it takes another form which is a little harsh because it evolves to "spinning like a tiny twisting typhoon". The allits is remarkably effective. It somehow compensate on the harshness of that entity. I like the last input. It is dynamic and energizing though it may connotes something to be feared about. The last line is dramatic "His antics only a hazy memory in the wizard sun." Thanks for sharing, Marilyn! Goodluck for the this month/s contest period. You are a star last month! Congratulations once again! Blessings! Jordan
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