This Poem was Submitted By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-02-10 13:50:12 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Rain standing before the faces in the rains
inventing redemption in this shower
arms up and out-raised
in a worship of the power
that removed all stains
that we cannot see
it runs above ground
and into my shoes and clothes
I fall into the throes of those before me
too many to know or show why
endless elder heads
reflected in the tears
pelting me from the sky
at a tornado's pace
tread years upon years
through the rising slog
... once found-
my luggage and briefcase
are now following me around
with all my threads
like a lost pack of dogs
that need to be owned
once... I had known
the dry land and knew the travels
of the cowboy and the stage
and so they say:
"we knew the place for mountains
the tease of seas
and the feel of sand between our toes..."
these blisters I do not miss
our barren captains
unappeased by water
a mirage were they
so now I do say with a sigh
of the million bullet drop
down, up, left and right
a hundred miles an hour
where the welts will not stop
while moisture remains in my mouth
it's a metallic taste
my mind fixed on windswept tower
ever moving in a circle south
welcome to the eye of Hurricane Faith
filled up with the water that fell so long ago
the earth is a cup
deep down in the flood
ever does it grow
in crimson blood
filling us up |
|
Copyright © February 2004 Regis L Chapman
Additional Notes:
I was very inspired on this one, and spent a fair amount of time just dumping out the data, then rearranging the lines to make some sense. Let me know what you think, folks. This was inspired by a song by the band Live- it's called "Good Pain" on a drive through the vineyards of Napa Valley this weekend. I wrote the main of it on the side of the road, another significant chunk whilst my wife got wine from the Schug Winery.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-24 11:49:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.70000
Outstanding!! I love the imagery and the use of so many internal rhymes, close rhymes, end rhymes without any reduncancy. From the perfection contained in this artwork, I can detect that you spent the needed time to see it was there.
so now I do say with a sigh - [is the "do" necessary?]
That's all the fault I could possibly find. Great job!
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-02-18 19:47:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Oh Reeg...I think you must have consumed more wine than you thought. To be honest, and you do
want me to be honest don't you? I find this rambling and out of synch with everything else you
wrote here. In the first stanza I hope you weren't standing in that shower fully clothed. Okay,
flog me with wet noodles will ya! Million bullet drop...welts will not stop...oy vay! I honestly
don't see it! I'm trying in all honesty to find some merit in this but I cannot. Maybe I should
stop critiquing here as this is the first poem I've looked at this month. Okay Reeg...give it
to me...I know, I know,...
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-16 08:43:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.48148
Interesting read poet.....and I am probably way off in my thoughts here but the opening stanza reminds me of perhaps a gathering of souls.......the cleansing of one's heart, the acceptance of the Lord, the searching for redemption and the faces that were before you are those perhaps in your own mind that your faith has brought you to this point in time and once found and saved you are now free to move on and move on you have done....
you speak about once knowing the dry land which to me represents your life before your faith stepped in and changed things around for you for now your land is rich in honey........love that .......and then you bring it all together by today's standards of whatever for we all know in today's world everyone is now living and doing what they want, when they want, fighting and killing fills our streets with the taste of blood......
Indeed poet I am so far off your thoughts here but this is what your peom has delivered to me......
Good structure, like the way you divided each into separate phases of life in general but it is the rain that purifies the soul in the beginning that I am attracted to. Thanks for posting and sharing this with us, looking forward to your return reply to straighten me out....till then, be safe, God Bless, Claire
Giving reference to Hurricane Faith also gives me hope that 'faith' itself is involved within the reading of this poem.....nicely done poet. you put it all together just fine.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-02-15 19:05:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Reeg,
I see that there is still no one critiquing this one. So let me go ahead and dare
to critique this though I might not be able to hit this right. By the way, I see your
post in the forum regarding the observation that one tends to critique the shorter
piece and I read the responses. Anyways...
First of all, thanks for the additional notes that somehow gives me an idea about
the story behind the composition of this piece. The title "Rain" is catchy in the
sense that it makes the reader think both literal and figurative. Figuratively,
"rain" is a metaphor. It could be tears on gloomy days or it could be a cleansing matter.
After rereading this piece several times, I could say that the meaning of rain here
is to be translated figuratively. It seems like it symbolizes pain, agony
that you are experiencing as you tread for years through the rising slog. The first
stanza is effective in its presentation as the introduction of what the poem contains.
It sets up the scene "before the faces in the rains". I would prefer a singular "rain".
Or maybe "raindrops". A trivial thing, though. The line "inventing redemption in this shower" tells the
purpose of the rain here. It is for cleansing.
In the second stanza, the use of simile concretizes the idea. It makes the reader SEE
the thought..."like a lost pack of dogs that need to be owned" ---original and unique comparison.
The metaphor in the third stanza is working nicely. The inclusion of the quotation also
purports originality and new concept.
The last stanza is very solid in its imagery and visual and also the metaphors are apt.
I am frightened by the million bullet dropping down, up, left and right! But I would think
of these droppings as hard raindrops. The ending doesn't keep the reader hanging. It is effective as it should be.
THank you very much for posting this, Reeg! Hope to see more of your interesting poetry.
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-02-15 18:43:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Reeg,
I have read this piece over and over as I find it so compelling that it deserves to
be read multiple times. I can feel pathos in the lines...a feeling of hopelessness in
some and revelation in others. You have some amazing phrases....'endless elder heads
reflected in the tears'...'the tease of seas and of sand between our toes'...'tread years
upon years through the rising slog'...'my threads like a lost pack of dogs that need to
be owned'..'deep down in the flood ever does it grow in crimsen blood filling us up'
All of these phrases and many more combined to display a profound piece of writing. I
must admit I could not get inside your head on some of the writings and I apologize for
that. But having said that I think this is a good poem which has a lot of merit. But
also I was on the forum a few minutes ago where you wrote about a crit that disturbed you.
Please don't drprive us of you talent because of the words of one person....I too have
gotten some crits that almost re-wrote my work when I first started posting on TPL but now
I cherish every one of them as they helped me grow as a poet and I still have a long way to
go. Just keep writing and posting your work here and don't be daunted by the opinion of one.
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-02-15 16:20:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Reeg..
Before I move on to my French studies (I am being forced to learn the language in my paying job, though I do like it) I have the pleasure of giving you my views and ideas on this wet piece.
I lived on the "wet coast" for many years and spent many days in the wetest town on the west coast of Vancouver Island, so I can relate to and have something to say about this.
I was immersed so to speak, drenched by the downpour in the first stanza. The faces were clear, but probably not as clear as you may have seen them, but the washing away of stains through time and the soaked feelings of my wool socks squishing in my shoes were pesent.
I also lived in a desert and could easily recognize the contrasts of which you imply exist. A pack of dogs is a simile that surprised me for a description of loose threads...yet I enjoyed the unkempt unruliness the imagery provided.
"metallic taste" ...yuck...but provided an intstant sensory delight.
I wasn't certain whether the ending "in crimson blood filling us up" was referring to the atrocities in this world, but I read it that way and I regret if I have misinterpreted your meaning. I wondered whether the red wine inspired that line.
Thanks for posting this poem that brought back many memories and interesting images.
Take care
Mick
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