This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-26 15:01:37 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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A Passion For Senryu

Wearing a beige tie Chris suffocated Robin with a tan dress belt -     We were shopping for pink salmon in the market when the ambulance They had been fighting over a bounced check and the mortgage     Went flying by sirens blaring, lights of flashing red and blue Payment hadn’t been sent when Robin came at him with a steely knife     I didn’t pay much attention to it after it turned the corner He laughed and told her to bring it on as he undid the big silver     And headed up an all too familiar street to a big house I’d later Buckle like he had so many times before and she was crying as she     Recognize on the evening news, the green house on the corner Lunged:  Chris dodged the shimmering blade and with one hand     Just down the street – the one we’d sent the blue cops to twice At the back of her blonde head sent her flying into the edge of the black granite     In the past year when we had listened long enough That dull thud of skull against solid stone spelling the beginning of     They had stopped by afterwards to ask questions and to reassure The end and then he took the brown belt and wrapped it around her neck     Us that everything was fine, they’d just had a misunderstanding And slowly tightened the noose as her eyes began to bulge and the veins     That no one was hurt, and that they appreciated us letting them know In her neck began to swell her face a deeper shade of purple and slowly     The thought came to me that perhaps everything was just fine there The life left her and walked slowly down the street past the pulled shades     And that our concern had been too great, over-done, out of line We had decided that we ought to have some people over for dinner     He handed me a large filet for four and some change What kind of Red do you think Chris and Robin like?  I asked my wife     As the ambulance whined in the distance.

Copyright © February 2004 Thomas Edward Wright

Additional Notes:
My apologies to Dr. Cluff in advance.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-03-07 13:05:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Well, there it is. The Emperor said it in "Amadeus" and it seems to fit. I applaud the way you've taken Mike's Chris-Robin strangulation senryu and run with it. You've run waaaay further than anyone might have expected, actually. The dual stories alternate so cleverly that at first, a reader might not be aware of the way this should be taken. We get the speaker and his wife (even lines), and the Chris-and-Robin situation (odd lines), and then they come together so well in the end with the siren's departing wail. Robin ain't gonna come to no dinner party, pal. The horrific nature of the crime could be overlooked because this seems such a lighthearted piece - but only at first. There's the issue of spousal abuse, the belt being undone, the wife's deperation. Robin is no longer Batman's sidekick, but a battered woman trying to free herself from multiple burdens, not least of which is her husband. The comfortably domestic couple in the other house are the opposing pole. Contrast through ironic juxtaposition: very, very well done. Once again, a clever and exceptional poem. You're probably producing some of the most innovative and consistently brilliant work on TPL right now. Where will you take it next, is the crucial question? It can't just ... stay here. It HAS to be out there, working on your behalf to give you further laurels. Brenda


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-02-28 11:21:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58824
Clever, clever, respose to Msr. Cluff's senryu .. . so what we are doing is, sort of... reading between the lionize?
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-02-27 05:10:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.46429
Thomas--Good Stuff! An ultra Free Verse. I like this sardonic run-on poem in spite of its verbosity. Super fun statirical read and humorous as @#%%! During my read I couldn't help but think of E.A. Poe and William Blake, two of my favorite mad geniuses. The ending tore me up: the speaker/protagonist must have the stomach of a medical examiner, maggot or mortician-haha. Thanks for making this a fun evening. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-02-26 23:00:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89286
"What kind of Red do you think Chris and Robin like? I asked my wife As the ambulance whined in the distance." I am completely satisfied in this piece with the sense of humor especially in the ending. I can feel a light touch though you told of scenes of morbidity. The influx of your ideas just flow nicely with all the action to thrill the reader. This is more than an action movie, one can visualize it lively because of appropriate choice of words especially the verbs and the descriptors. I especially like the language in this line: "The life left her and walked slowly down the street past the pulled shades" Interestingly personified! Thanks for sharing, Tom. I still have to read Mr. Cluffs senryu to relate the scenario to his work. More of your action-filled writings! Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-26 18:14:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54902
I just finished posting a critique on the senryu posted by Mr. Cluff and here I find your piece in full bloom.......wow....amazing story you tell within your lines poet....good structure, great choice of words and I like the salmon effect pink in nature , as well............over and over again your pen has created many images and nicely done .........from what I read you are telling two separate stories at the same time.....line one then two then three goes with line one on and on until finished.......richly done. Thanks for posting and sharing with us.......you are too much at times.......very talented man. Be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-02-26 16:49:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.85714
Thomas, I think the alternating lines telling two parrellel stories was a great choice for this poem it keeps the graphic nature of the murder from overwhelming the reader. It also helps to create the feeling of interested involvement that would lead someone to call the police but leave them not that worried. I truly liked your poem and will look for it on the winners list. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-26 15:28:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.24000
I need no apologies, that's for sure. This is a masterful form, even if raping the senryru word a little. The story within a story [kind of] yet all inclusive. What a way to describe this chain of events, this abuse, this mortal failing. I enjoyed it through the morbidity. It held me, urged me onward. I wonder why the colon is needed in L11? Wouldn't a period surfice? Now, I'm really getting a little too picky, aren't I? Had to find something to say other than WOW. Keep 'em coming, TEW.
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