This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-28 03:38:41 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!


japanese verse 21 to 40 - Second Collection

“Prayer” 21.  Two palms together          Touching the heart of Heaven        For manna to fall “Water Lilies” 22.  Pond’s pretty maidens        Surrounded by keen suitors        Croaking at the stars “Tide” 23.  Crescent calms the sea          It softly combs the surface        Far from shore to shore “Old Age” 24.  When beauty is lost        When youth and strength are fading        Then wisdom is gained “Dawn” 25.  First sign of sunlight        Pouring in silent delight        Warm as morning smile “Camel” 26.  Down this barren land        Treks the gentle traveler        Carrying the hills “Will” 27.  Universal drive        To live free and to survive        Knows no boundaries “Rose” 28.  Crimson as a wine          Filled in the glass of season        Drunk by its beauty “Breeze” 29.  Wind tickles the woods          As leaves giggle in pleasure        Echoing the bliss “Vulture” 30.  Vigilant villain        Vulgar in vandalizing        Vacant cadaver “Twilight” 31.  After the great torch        Banished its scandalous flame        The sun shies away      “Chess” 32.  Defending the King        On this checkered arena        Queen gambits her might “Snow Cape” 33.  Marshmallow pillow        Descended from its haven        Nestling on soft ground “Stargazer” 34.  Start staring the star        Startle to its starry starch        Starve its stark stardom “Manger” 35.  In that borrowed crib        God offered His precious gift        Wrapped in swaddling clothes “Ku Klux Klan” 36.  Known to keep kinship          Killer of kaleidoscope        Knights with kerosene “Top” 37.  Ballerina girl        Elegantly spins her dance        Pleasing her master “Seahorse” 38.  An ocean stallion        Rides its coral chariot        Galloping the reefs “Amnesia” 39.  Friday afternoon        We talked and shared together        I lost time again “Petals” 40.  Like a lovely bride        Blossom wears its splendid gown        With all purity

Copyright © February 2004 Erzahl Leo M. Espino

Additional Notes:
This is my second twenty (20) haiku / senryu collection. Without all your continuous support, this wouldn’t be possible. My wholehearted “Thank Yous” goes to: Claire, Sherri, Jennifer, Marilyn, JoMo, Debbie F., Jordan, Turner, Thomas W., Mick, Regis, Kenneth, Arnie, Joanne U., Brenda, Mell, Drenda, Wanda, Rachel, Jane, Carolyn, Darlene, Andrea, Irene, Terrye, Sandra, Rebecca W., April, Robin, Thomas S., Brandon, Michael C., Mark M., Dan, Sean, Leo and Wayne - these are my mentors and friends. Special thanks for the revisions help from Rachel for “Snow Cape” and Jordan for “Stargazer”. For the other advises, pardon me for my stubbornness. :) I rededicate this all to you! P.S. - This entry is not intended to win. Some of these have been on the top ten before. - These are all my favorites but here’s my top 5: 1. Tide 2. Breeze 3. Top 4. Seahorse 5. Camel - It would be very interesting to know what’s yours? :) As always, Erzahl :)


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-07 12:54:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70833
Okay - i already commented on these but lost my comments - here are some more - plus my favorires as indicated. .  Two palms together       Touching the heart of Heaven     [waiting for manna]l “Water Lilies” 22.  Pond’s pretty maidens        Surrounded by keen suitors        Croaking at the stars a littel ambigous - it sounds like the water lillies are craching ” 23.  Crescent calms the sea          It softly combs the surface        Far from shore to shore “Old Age” 24.  When beauty is lost        When youth and strength are fading        Then wisdom is gained not always - som old people are really beautiful but not wise so young people are wise but not beautiful “Dawn” 25.  First sign of sunlight        Pouring in silent delight        Warm as morning smile nice “Camel” 26.  Down this barren land        Treks the gentle traveler        Carrying the hills CAMEL IS MY FAVORITE “ Will” 27.  Universal drive        To live free and to survive        Knows no boundaries good “Rose” 28.  Crimson as a wine          Filled in the glass of season        Drunk by its beauty nice\ “Breeze” 29.  Wind tickles the woods          As leaves giggle in pleasure        Echoing the bliss nice “Vulture” 30.  Vigilant villain        Vulgar in vandalizing        Vacant cadaver too much alliteration for me but other will like it “Twilight” 31.  After the great torch        Banished its scandalous flame        The sun [shied] away      nice “Chess” 32.  Defending the King        On this checkered arena        Queen gambits her might clever “Snow Cape” 33.  Marshmallow pillow        Descended from its haven        Nestling on soft ground Lovely - one of my favorites “Stargazer” 34.  Start staring the star        Startle to its starry starch        Starve its stark stardom too alliterative for me “Manger” 35.  In that borrowed crib        God offered His precious gift        Wrapped in swaddling clothes lovely “Ku Klux Klan” 36.  Known to keep kinship          Killer of kaleidoscope        Knights with kerosene too alliteretive again “Top” 37.  Ballerina girl        Elegantly spins her dance        Pleasing her master one wishes she would do it to please herself-but nice “Seahorse” 38.  An ocean stallion        Rides its coral chariot        Galloping the reefs lovely “Amnesia” 39.  Friday afternoon        We talked and shared together        I lost time again nice “Petals” 40.  Like a lovely bride        Blossom wears[her]ts splendid gown        With all purity nice good luck in getting this published. It would be good to have it illustrated in a gentle sof t ink


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-03-07 10:09:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hi Erzahl, After being down for two days I decided to check my poem list. Now I already critiqued this secon setof haiku's, and commented on their clarity of thought, their brilliance of descriptives. As a matter of fact I commented on understanding Old age (being in it myself), and stated I thought it wonderful someone your age, grasped the essence in correct count and brilliance of descriptives. Do you receive that critique, or was it wiped clean when TPL suffered the burn out, and inability of the SQL server to function and put us all in touch with one another? Anyway it's not difficult to say enjoyable, one and all, and I also asked if you have committed these haiku to books yet, and if you had, how can I purchase copies. At any rate wonderful once again, you are the Master Haiku writer on TPL...My best always, Jo Morgan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-03-06 19:25:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Hi Erzahl I already commented on this submission yesterday, but it appears that TPL went down and my comments are now lost. Suffice it to say that I completely love your haiku and I again believe that your collection is worthy of recognition in a chapbook. This offering is on my list for the month....ty for sharing. Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-03-01 19:20:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Erzahl, Thanks for submitting this collection. I am so glad to see all these in a splendid parade! My favorite? Of course, the top one is the "Top". You know the story! Hehe! Funny! My number 2: Breeze, because it tickles me a lot and it is wonderful experience for me in the province 3: Tide, because I like being at the seashore watching the tide, it is a relaxing experience. My wonderful experience is in the 4. Petals --- because I can remember my gf who's now in the convent 5. Will --- it's a food for thought! This is already polished. Thanks for the especial mention of my name. I want to see from you a book of haikus / senryus! Best regards, Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-02-28 19:59:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
Well amnesia, water lilies and prayer are my favorites. Vulture and Ku Klux Klan are a little heavy on alliteration for me but that is just a personal reaction. I enjoy camel too- I can see this beast swaying through the desert with the hills on his back. Will is less concrete and more conceptual than most of your work. Well, I know I did not touch on each one but I did want to let you know what I liked best. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-28 18:45:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
21. beautiful. alliteration powers this excellent poem. 22. wonderful. personification AND alliteration. Smooooth! 23. nice, but the last line seemed a little strained, weak in "far..." 24. ah, Confucian! I, too, love philosophical excellence. 25.“Dawn” First sign of sunlight Pouring in silent delight Warm as morning smile - [plural smiles?] 26. Masterful. the "k" in "treks" seems a little bit harsh, shocking for the "gentle traveler". maybe trods or plods, something a little softer in tone? 27. Universal drive - [lovvve the v's in these 2 lines] To live free and to survive - [is 2nd "to" necessary? syllable count isn't ALL important. "freely &" ?] Knows no boundaries - [oh-oh! catchy and nice] 28. without the title, I wouldn't see the rose, only the color. Maybe that's good. I like the smoothness, though. 29. Assonance is pleasing here. Personification, too. Like this one much. 30. It's fun-time! A little too playful with the v's, but well planned and thought out. the assonance works well, though. 31. Are the tenses correct here? Maybe "shied away"? 32. A little more [and better] playfulness. Well done. 33. A little vague, but I like the beginning. Could this use a little more definition? 34. Now this, I ...... 'd better leave alone. 35. OK, but nothing special here, either. Kind of matter-of-fact. 36. KKKKripes! Not for me. Sorry. 37. Better, but still a little vague and seeming to struggle. Am I being too harsh, or am I getting weary? Oh, well..., 3 more to go. 38. Nope, I am NOT weary. If I was, this one wakened me. I love it. Super job here. Only one thing. There are hidden, or half-syllables in L1 [oc-e-an & stall-i-on], that seem to extend the count a little. Not a big deal though for it could be o-shun & stall-yun, I guess. Depends on where you're from - kinda. 39. Pretty nice, sentimentality shining through. 40. Yeah, the l's are the dramatists in this one. Pretty nice. Overall, I really enjoyed the visit, and this art form which you seem to relish and perform. Thanks for sharing your expertise in this difficult genre. Share more. :-) wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-28 16:51:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Erzahl, Of course, they are all wonderful, and I didn't even count as I knew yours would be perfect! My top five favorites are: 1) Prayer 2) Old Age 3) Breeze 4) Manger 5) Petals Keep them coming Erzahl, they are truly beautiful and inspiring. It was hard to pick the top five! Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-28 16:32:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Prayer, Breeze, Twilight, Old Age, Seahorse.....it is so hard to pick five favorites when they are all so perfect.....so true to form, bringing forth images that remain within your heart long after the read is done....you have created a masterpiece here my friend by putting them all together for us and it shall be printed out and posted along side my board and in my collection of your work.....should these be put together in book form and are for sale please let me know and I shall send you the money needed for a book of yours autographed of course........It was an honor to see my name among your list of mentors and friends.....this I shall cherish forever.....mother will be so proud to read your latest work and to refresh her memory of some already posted......again, thank you for taking the time to care and to share your work. Talent like yours is something we value and should be cherished. Be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-02-28 13:26:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38710
Erzahl--Ah, I remmember lots of these. It's very hard to select any particular one without seeming to slight the others-smile. There are some I enjoyed reviewing LESS than others and only because they where the heartwrenching realistic gut check ones(your genuineness came through as well as your genuis). Regardless of these being Senryu or Haiku (or a little of both) you've put together a group that's second to none. Kudos and keep writing. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-28 06:57:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.86111
ee- A very impressive collection, thank you for taking the time to put it together for us. I like Amnesia, but, again, I oppose the title and would prefer that you leave that title for a piece that actually addresses the issue of Amnesia, which 'losing track of time' does not. But HEY, it's your brain! and your Poem! So screw you Wright! Right? Right. Twilight interests me due to the 'scandalous' appellation of the sun's light. And Camel is interesting in the use of hills. I find the alliteration in some a bit overdone, but these are very minor points, overall your work is very thought-provoking and clearly full of intense mental energy. Way too much work for a small mind like mine to enwrap! Kudos to you éé- Master of the Form.
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!