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Ego Trip Looking back I’ve come along way In this journey I chose to take A waste of time A waste of mind. The fire beneath the mask The blade of grass weeps For the comfort of the sun. I will not justify my ego And I will take me as I am In sickness and in health And prove loyal to me. By the canyon of the desert Wolves begin to sing The sand is dying once again Whispers in my ear I am the lord’s puppet Bitch, Slut and Whore I am your freak to spit on I am his toilet to shit in. Lost in the labyrinth Of my insecurities Repetitive nonsense to Rise above it all and see I am only human I am only human I am only human. |
Additional Notes:
This is probably my last poem here, but you never know what the future holds. Thanks to everyone who has read and critiqued my blabbering. Wish I could be a better person but I never read or critiqued anyone else's poems even though you did to mine. I would feel better if you dont critique and we'll call it even. Good luck with this thing we call life. Peace and Love.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-04-03 13:43:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sergio:
I'm sorry to read this is your last poem here and this is the first of
your poems I have critiqued. I have been unable to spend much time on
TPL the last few months due to health problems but I will always enjoy
this web site.
Your title arouses the reader's curiosity: where is he going with "Ego
Trip"? Your format of free verse seems apt for your poem and the only
change I would suggest as far as form is to change Stanza 2 to quatrain
as all the others are. The last stanza in tercet is fine as we expect a
change therein.
"Looking back, I've come a long way
In this journey I chose to take
A waste of time
A waste of mind."
The stanza is perfectly metered and the reiteration in the last two lines
works well. This sounds profoundly sad, that the narrator is looking back
at his journey and calling it a waste of time and mind. The journey seems
to be of significant duration because of the words "a long way."
Stanza 2, IMO, needs another line between first and second. "The blade of
grass weeps for the comfort of the sun" is a wonderful phrase, a unique
metaphor.
"I will not justify my ego
And I will take me as I am
In sickness and in health
And prove loyal to me."
Speaker parodies the marriage vows to declare his self acceptance. Of course,
as humans, we all want unconditional love but rarely find it. Perhaps from
our parents or spouses but that is all too infrequent. I think you have
squared the circle with the ideation of self acceptance...the most vital
acceptance of all.
Stanza 4 echoes the sentiment of Stanza 2: a contrast of nature with self
and the journey speaker is taking. At my mother's house, I can hear wolves
howling at night so I especially like your line: "Wolves begin to sing."
I find the line "The sand is dying once again" purely exquisite. You say,
too, that you can hear its whispering as it succumbs.
"I am the Lord's puppet
Bitch, Slut, and Whore
I am your (His?) freak to spit on
I am His toilet to shit in."
The Lord found dignity and worth in the whores and sluts who sought Him out so
your phrasing supports that you are the Lord's puppet indeed. Nice internal
rhyme of spit/shit. I like the manner/wording in which you/speaker tells us
of your accommodation for the Lord.
Stanza 6 tells of a life lost in a labyrinth of insecurities which is a nice
choice of words for your metaphor. "Repetitive nonsense" you term it but I
think it is "negative capability" as defined by Keats. Accepting the angst
and trauma of life as part and parcel of the human condition.
Which is exactly what you say in your ending lines: "I am human." No more,
no less, take it or leave it, but I am merely a human. An impact at the end
which is where we expect more and you certainly deliver.
I find your metaphysical portrait of self and journey to comprehension to be
a very accomplished poem. I wish I had seen your other work as this is splendid.
Your poem causes me to cogitate, to delve into myself as poet has done. These
poems which prompt the use of my brain are my favorites.
I wish you the best in your life's journey; I can only hope you will continue
to write because of the talent I see in this piece of work.
Kudos.
Mell Morris