Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-03-08 12:47:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Life Support

Dirty wood slats were the first to greet me telling stories of earlier visitors many who'd suffered the pains of life I was just happy to just be accepted I graduated to tile, metal and marble and the tales became more obscure than my writing with moments of brilliance and flashes of darkness my rump relaxed and curly hair falling out fast My midlife moments were spent far from food fairs at expensive hotels as the money rolled in feeling a pain in my belly and a tug at my crotch wondering whether I was ever going to be happy Thirteen lines later I was back at the slats happily realizing that I'd never know yet Harps could be found everywhere and so could slat sharing friends

Additional Notes:
flashes of darkness written on purpose...flashes of brilliance seems overused. I will be happy to explain exactly what this poem means if requested.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-07 20:18:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85366
Hi Mick, I critiqued the revised version on this so I am just curious how the revision was made. You just have two things I see that was revised, the omission of "My" and the addition of the apostrophe in the last line. I appreciate it! And thanks for the explanation you provided on your reply to my critique of the revised version. Thank you very much! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-13 17:44:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mick, I'm so glad to see you're still here (no thanks to my support, since I was gone all last month!) I so enjoyed your poem "For Mom" and was sorry I never had time to comment on it, as it was exquisite. This is an interesting piece. :) I see you still have a way with words. I especially enjoy the phrase flashes of darkness, such a great oxymoronic sounding description. Ok, Heres my take, but I'm not good at this, and I'm not feeling real serious, so I just know you'll tell me the real story. This seems to be the story of your life, written in terms of flooring. :) and your writing history. You started with humble beginnings (dirty wood slats) and were just happy to have a few friends who accepted you for what you were. "just" twice in the same line is a typo I'm betting. Then your station was elevated by the money you made (marble) and you got older, a little lazy or at least lax, and older meant your hair thinned out. :) HAHAHA. I'm sorry.It's just that I went to your site and saw your picture of you (I'm making an ass out of me and you) holding a baby. Is that your daughter? She's crying real big and you're smiling. It's a cute picture! Anyway, getting back to the poem... Sounds like you had a midlife crisis and now you're happily enjoying scraping the bottom of the barrel with all us losers at TPL. :) I'm sorry, Mick. I don't know what's got into me! I reall ydo like this piece and I thinks it's accurate to say you have moments of brilliance! OK, give me the explanation. Peace, Jennifer ps I like the title!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-12 12:32:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.16667
Well to me no explanation is necessary for the structure and word flow allow for each reader to see, feel and find what they want between the lines.....I tend to feel it is a journey through your life, up to and including today, and the pain you might have felt when a young child.......it seems to me there might be another time and place talked about....a place of longing for what was not there within your reach, the loss of love, hugs, good night kisses, and yet those slats returned once more...perhaps we might all take a long look at what you have put before us and see a bit of our own lives as well.....I was raised, not in poverty, but not in riches either.....we might have had barely enough food on the table each day but we had love......at least I felt like we did...... perhaps there are times now, even with not wanting for anything in this world, I might find a few slats hidding amond the fir and maple trees which line my yard......silly thoughts.....anyway, this has been an interesting read, thanks for posting and if you care to expand please do so......God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-10 21:49:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.71429
Hi Mick--I really like the images and the feel of the whole piece--but I was really glad to know you would explain without jeopardy what the poem really means if requested. My favorite thing here--or close to it--is Thirteen lines later at the
th line, as though Thirteen whatevers had REALLY passed. That caught me up! Why did midlife catch you with a pain in your belly? Was the tug at your crotch a Midlife Missing of some sort? You wonder whether you're ever going to be happy--then happily realizing you'd never know. But I bet at some point, you DO know, and you ARE happy. Happy doesn't have to be cake and candles everyday-- but I'm sure you've realized that. What are slat sharing friends? (the whole point). Please please excuse my ignorance. I want to understand because I sense a real humanness and a real honesty here. Thanks. Marcia McCaslin

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-10 08:43:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
This seems to captivate the reader - a magnet of word power. I may need that explanation, but I would guess a tale of abuse and pain. It seems quite a journey from slats to tile and marble, and life has many journeys to the top and back again. Some of us have been there, others not. The style in this piece, the imagery and rhythm are very nice. It read easily, though a little vague as to what the reader is to interpret, therefore your offer to explain. I wonder if it could be a little clearer, so this wouldn't be necessary? At times, this is not at all possible with poetry coming from so far within that nobody could understand the emotions trying to be conveyed. Very well constructed poem. Write on, Mick. Be well. wl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Michele Rae Mann On Date: 2004-03-09 09:09:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Mick, tell me if I'm wrong but I took this as someone who has passed on and is reflecting his or her life and even maybe how it could have been different? I was just happy to just be accepted The only change I would suggest is to take out the second (just). Michele Mann

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-08 13:26:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Sounds like life in a sauna! You've grown up to realize that it's the people in your life that matter. And I love Harp. And harps. And harpies. I like the elusiveness, the indirectness, and the lines between the lines, between the slats almost. So, this works, and well. My only suggestion, Sir Mick, is to hyphenate "slat-sharing" as it is really a neologism, and not a standard noun and gerund-as-adjective pairing (i think...and...wonder if that's true...) humbly, :~]

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!