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This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-03-08 22:14:20 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Fiasco In Me

My whiteness is blinding Peel me now and you’ll see the blackness of mud Decaying from the inside Hidden so many many years My perfume is fragrant Appealing at first sniff Not long those rotten stinking smell of the past Will expose my concealed scent Do we smile because we are hurting? Do we give because we want to receive? How often do we deceive others? How often do we fool ourselves?

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-04-02 12:02:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86486
Very introspective Erzahl. I guess we could answer simply by saying, doesn't everyone hide to a degree? Some more then others but I doubt seriously there is any perfection in this mortal existence. I do believe that if nistakes were made that could possible lead to the persona you vividly depict, I would say many have learned from past mistakes and try to rectify, no doubt to the person looking into the glass they see a person many will never see. Sometimes we are hardest on ourselves. I come the school of thought that all have made mistakes some deep seated, some superficial, but that person (like the person capable to writing with such proufound application), no I always look for the good in everyone, for it is seated in them, if only they allow it to show. My second philisophy is talk, one couldn't possible hide all this poem encompasses, writing poetry offers that healing, and ability to change over. Yes, a very proufound poem, with insight, and a great deal of retrospection. Throughly enjoyable, but then I love everything you write. By the way free verse is the only style that could carry this intent, so excellent poetic choice. Sorry this month I critique as the poetry shows on my list, I get to exhausted trying to cull in advance all the poems that hold no interest, or arn't expreesive, or don't hold that monica of truth. Yours do, this one does, and I admire your expressive ability. Best wishes, Jo Morgan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-01 19:48:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Hi Erzahl, I'm glad to see your free verse for the second time. The 1st I critiqued from you was the Lethal Letter and it was about a social issue. Right now, you shared your personal self to us and this is a significant theme to consider. The title is "The Fiasco In Me" striking for me because of the word "fiasco" which is my first encounter. I researched it of course and it is apt for it means "failure". Thus, The Failure In Me, thanks for adding my vocabulary. You powered up this poem with the use of metaphor and the use of concrete visuals. "My whiteness is blinding Peel me now and you’ll see the blackness of mud Decaying from the inside Hidden so many many years" Your words are factual that apply to anybody. The metaphor "My whiteness is blinding" is fresh for me and it works here. It speak of the good physical appearance of man but in the inside part there is a blemish. In the second stanza, you recognize the real innerself and the outerself is concealed by the appealling appearance just like when you are applying perfume. Nice metaphor again. This is also a recognition that human as we are, we are not perfect. The throwing of questions in the last stanza is effective to make the readers participate on the thoughts and I myself is pondering on the those questions making my own innerself recognition. Thank you for sharing. Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-27 16:42:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56000
Dear Erzahl, This certainly does hit home in a big way. What we show the world on the outside is not always what is really on the inside of us. The first stanza suggests that we peel away the outer facade and look to what is really within us. Sometimes that can really hurt. The second stanza is one that hits me the most. We think we are fine on the outside but the past that we try to keep buried keeps bubbling to the surface. (Here I pictured the mud boiling) No longer able to control it, it has to come out. This is where I am glad that I can write. I can bare my soul and then seek healing from the hurts in the past. Do we smile because we are hurting....yes, I think we do, we don't want those around us to see the real pain that we might be going through. Do we give because we want to receive?...I think if you are emotionally hurting we do that trying to win some love and affection or find what we have missed out on in our lives. Yes I think we deceive others and fool ourselves...but do we? All good questions and a very thoughtful poem. Thanks for sharing, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-18 14:39:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Wow, Ezrahl, I believe you are "killing me softly" with this poem. Funny, I just posted a poem called "An Honest Reflection" and now I find your poem on my list and you force me to examine my heart further. I guess this is just one of those days for inner reflection. Well, your use of fiasco in the title is brilliant. Thanks for reminding me what that word really means- a sudden violent collapse. You utilize it's true meaning. My first reading of this made my face burn with shame. My second reading made me want to reach out to you and say, good thing He loves us, huh? Since we are such sinners and need Him to mold us into His likeness. Thats for the wake-up call. Lots of us need it. Blessings, Jennfier

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-13 09:25:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.85714
Erzahl........a walk down memory lane into a past where life might have been somewhat different for all that have travelled their life's journey.....sometimes we do tend to fool ourselves into thinking all is right with our world when indeed, it is not.....you have taken me by the hand back in time.......and your questions bring forth more then enough for me to see I have lived most of my life trying to please others before myself and even now, the same is true.......here I sit, scheduled for a CT Scan of my liver due to elevated blood levels on last testing......I am on Lipitor and they test me every three months.....and the figures were off the wall but come to find out it is not the Lipitor so I am looking at something else which is not good.....but still, as all know I care for my 92 year old mother here at home 24/7 and have no back up plan, no one to care for her should I need treatment or surgery, no one so the game plan would be to place her in a nursing home and that is not of my thinking....so I shall fool others once more, say all is fine, nothing is wrong, care for mother and let the Lord do what He does best......hold me in His loving arms.....I know most of this poetry deals with more, much more then what I mentioned but I just wanted you to know it does hit home for me and it will touch many others that read it......good structure, word flow bring forth emotions and pictures as well....thanks for posting and sharing, be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-11 20:01:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Erzahl, this is a sad portrait, the feeling that you are presenting a clean brave put together face to the world while at the same time feeling like you are not what you seem. I wrote a poem about myself as a tree that was rotting inside out your poem reminds me of that. And then the implication in the last two lines that we fool ourselves more than we fool others is also interesting. I liked this very much. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-10 21:16:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.71429
Hi Erzahl. What an intriguing poem. By your name I assume you are Hispanic. Why is your whiteness blinding? If we "peel you"--and I love that imagery--why do we see the blackness of mud. Why would you be decaying from the inside--and why would it be hidden so many years? You acknowledge the rotten stinking smell of the past? Was that caused by being somewhere else? but now, again to the present--do you smile because you are hurting? Why would you not look hurt if you were hurting. Do you give because we want to receive? Well, I think that's human nature. How often do we deceive others? We could all ask that. Oftentimes our "best foot forward" is a deception--it goes across the board regardless of race or gender. How often do we fool ourselves? Again, we all do that--we go into denial--or we go into arrogance. We see ourselves in a way that we are not. I sense a grave dissatisfaction. I sense remorse and regret. I sense a need to be honest. Tell me where I'm going wrong. Thanks. Makes a person think. Marcia McCaslin

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-09 20:39:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
A vivid beginning to really entice the reader to jump into the meat of this one. Two of the senses are attacked with a vengeance here, leading us to the questions we all should answer honestly. Beautiful and powerful in its brevity. Simply stated, yet thought provoking. Great job again, Erzahl. wl Only this: Not long those rotten stinking smell of the past - [plural "those...smells" or "that ...smell"??]

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-09 06:22:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.76923
ee- a dangerous set of questions compadré! an interesting change of style for the haiku-ist! I see an undergarment or two blowing in the breeze of life, here, and applaud and encourage you to continue to explore this treasure buried two leagues under the waves of your sea. good luck. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-09 02:05:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.25000
Erzahl--A Free Verse, will wonders ever cease-smile? Quite a departure for you. Did you succumb to pressures from others wanting you to do something more than haiku/senryu/acrostic? Well, enough serious stuff, lets get down to cases-smile. It looks like you've put together a controversial dark graphic Persona Poem. Metaphoric in its descriptors of past bad deeds and a not so subtle history of wrong doers. This is supported by the title and first two stanzas, however, in my humble opinion the last stanza seem to be out of place and character. In all honesty, I was completely lost at the end of the 2nd stanza. I am sorry for misstating your intentions. Please help me! TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-03-08 22:32:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Erzahl, In three short stanzas, you have exposed one of the great paradoxes of humanity. We are all very adept at showing the world the picture we want it to see because we fear that the truth will be unacceptable. You have posed some powerful questions - questions that each of us must answer before we can truly be at peace with ourselves. I am new at this critiquing "stuff" but I do have one small suggestion. In the 2nd stanza, I believe the word should be "smells" since you used the plural "those". This seems to be a very dark poem compared to some of your other works I have read. I guess I keep looking for the silver lining - the hope or the offer of redemption. Thank you for posting. This one really made me think. Blessings, Sherri

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