This Poem was Submitted By: Medard Louis Lefevre Jr. On Date: 2004-03-14 09:20:14 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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An Unreal Day

In my dreams, the world runs unleashed My thoughts are free to wander They jump from love, to fear, to hate No feelings are left to ponder Then I awake, all of it ends My mind can no longer play Within this small world, I am lost In my thoughts of an unreal day My sorry existence solely becomes The loose identity of a madman I live in despair, confusion, unrest I touch reality when I can Here, I am nothing, I have no soul Not living a life, just living a role I long to sleep where I can stay Out of my thoughts of an unreal day

Copyright © March 2004 Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-25 10:15:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.79167
Dear Medard, I can appreciate the irony of what you are saying here. Sometimes we wish our dream lives were our real lives. When we dream our inhibitions are gone and we are able to explore many thoughts and emotions that we can not even face when we are awake. We have safety and secuirity of knowing we will survive our dreams, but the the world has become a place of unrest and conflict. Not a dream we can wake from, but a place where it is difficult to comprehend the magnitude of the repercusions of the actions of those around us let alone of our own actions. This can sometimes cause us to want to simply shut down in order to block the feelings of despair in acknowleging the realities of the world, to hide our heads in the sand. But the same issues will still be there when we wake. Your four stanzas of organized quatrains lends itself well to the subject matter and the change from the B/D rhyme scheme of the first three stanzas to the A/B, C/D scheme is different, but telling, in that the fourth stanza is the meat of the poem, where you tell us your REAL feelings. The repitition of the phrase unreal day thoughout this piece brings us back to the point you are making. I thoroughly enjoyed and related to this poem and I look forward to reading more of your work. I noticed that you are not new to the site, but rather have been absent awhile. So welcome back and I hope you will continue submitting here, as we would like to see more poets submitting such quality work here at TPL. Blessings, Jennifer


This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-03-16 23:54:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Medard, I am going to tell you first what I like about this poem, where I think you excelled. The finality of the last lines in verse two and four link the reality and the madness. Well done. Stanza three, you bring to life Myrdyn, running naked in the forest, and it is quite stark compared to the rest of the verse. In the same vien the fourth verse lends truth and finality to the marriage of life, sanity, and insanity, and tempts a deeper view of the entire piece. That all said, I wish you would take it back to the editing table, and submit it again after reflection, these are the structural and theme deficiencies I see; In stanza 1, line one is unwieldly, out of rhythm with the rest of the verse, also you use "my" in line one and two, if written well, one line would make the other "my" as a given. In the last line, you have your feelings "pondering". I am sure you meant "no feelings left for me to ponder". Stanza two sets up your unreal day, and although I can "reach" into interpretation and presume the difference is that your dreams are real and desired, and that your "real" life is without reality or merit, you don't contrast that distinction very well. This could, with a little critical editing, be the most powerful verse in this piece. In stanza three there is no "definition" for sorry existance, the word "sorry" does not do justice to the passionate and poetic writing that follows. The final stanza is powerful, but using "not living a life", and "here I am noting" both detract from the power of this verse, may I suggest something along the lines of "In this life I have no soul", "a mindless actor living a role", by making each "action" direct and in play, the verse maintains it's power from beginnning to end. A very good piece, that inspired me, it may seem not, but if you read my critiques, I seldom address structure unless I see a masterpiece behind the madmans eyes. Thanks again.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-15 03:38:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25000
Medard--Some people put a lot of stock in their dreams and there's nothing wrong with that, I guess, but this speaker seem to prefer his dream life to reality (therein lies a potential problem). I sense disturbing thoughts running through this piece (and that may have been the spearker's intentions). The only time I remember my dreams are as nightmares and that's when I east spicy foods too late at night-smile. I find this a dark poem soaked in sadness and riddled with low self esteem: in my humble opinion, this is all borne out with apt descriptors; (unleashed, wander, fear, hate, left, ponder, small, lost, sorry, madman, despair, confusion, unrest, nothing, not, no). Excellent end rhymes (wander/ponder; play/day; madman/can; soul/role; stay/day) produce a nice rhythmic tone throughout the four stanza quatrain. A small nit pick on an overuse of the title at the end of stanza #2 and #4 (one repeat would have served to reemphasize theme and give the piece finality). Overall vivid melancholy imagery created by your effort. Thanks for sharing it. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-03-15 00:24:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
The sentiment of this fairly plainly written poem hit the point that I make in more subtle ways. While I play around this topic with inferences and so forth you have shown the veil exactly as it is. At the same time, you show elements of the unreal world even in your description of dreams. I was once told that I as progressed in my spirituality, I would be able to control the dreams more. I feel the same things you have described, but then I wonder what is motivating my thoughts, and I can see the same tendencies there as I do in my waking life. It seems to me that in order to get out of the helplessness shown in this work, we must work to move the motivation to be the same in each world, and by doing so make the waking and sleeping more real. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-03-14 14:31:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
This poem conveys sadness/depression and isolation in a unique manner. The feelings pour out - boldly leaving nothing to pretense - just the fact that the writer is feeling that real life offers nothing, and seeks out sleep as comfort and escape - which is classic for someone who is depressed. In sleep life offers this writer - more possibilities of happiness then being awake - because there they are safe & happy. It seems like day to day living has become overwhelming - and the cry out for help comes thru in every line. I appreciate this piece for it's sincerety. DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-14 11:39:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67647
I enjoyed the poem, even in its sadness/darkness. The emotions come through emphatically. I think I'd only capitalize the start of lines that actually begin a new sentence, or have none at all. I found it a little bit distracting trying to discern the time of a new train of thought caused by injecting a capital on every line. I hop ethis is not too disconcerting for I do see an excellence in imagery, rhyme and rhythm here. I was curious about the altered rhyme pattern for the last stanza. They jump from love, to fear, to hate - [Are the commas absolutely necessary? The lack of other punctuation would suggest not, and they seem to slow the pace too much. Only a thought??] Here, I am nothing, I have no soul - [maybe delete the 1st comma??] Other than this, I see no more that I could suggest. Best wishes for a happy and full life! wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-14 10:11:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.10526
In the opening stanza, line 3 what if you took away....They jump from love, to fear, to hate .......take out the 'to before fear......they jump from love, fear to hate reads better but that is my thought not yours...... In the second stanza rather then "THEN I awake" what about using When I awake......again, just my own silly thoughts making it read better to this reader who does not know the English language very well indeed..... I do like the structure and word flow and the easy feeling associated with the read.....to me it also rhymes and does so well......personally I am glad not to know an unreal day......for my days here in Tully are mixed up enough as they stand.....Poet you are very talented in the many ways you create poetry and share it with us here on the link....thank you for posting this and allowing us to respond in kind....be safe, God Bless, Claire
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