This Poem was Submitted By: Cathy Hill Cook On Date: 2004-04-05 01:26:56 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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"Hill's By The Sea" Our family is so drawn
to the majestic moments at the Heavenly Sea,
God’s first days of creation
where the Heavens and Sea came to be.
Our family call their speck of the Island Shore
“Hill’s By The Sea” that we own.
Where we are so fortunate to experience
one of God’s many wonders that we have known.
There somehow its atmosphere lets our worries
and frets fall and melt so free,
The experiences at the Sea Shore
are so very Spiritual for our family.
We call "The Moment Of The Day" our special time
when the sun rises and falls,
God speaks to us Spiritually by his finger painting
colors separating his Heavenly walls.
At night we stand at the edge of the Sea Shore’s Island.
Seeing immages of God’s countless people
being represented by each grain of sand.
The twinkles of the stars are his Holy Angels,
the moon His Glorious Crown.
The waves dressed in transparent white
are God’s edging of His lace on His Gown.
As we look up and out at the sky
and Sea far beyond our sight,
We feel God’s All Knowing and Love
of everything created by His Almighty Might.
BIGGER THAN BIG IS GOD INTO ETERNITY FOREVER,
As each of Gods creations to Him
uniquely cherished and His very own Treasure. |
|
Copyright © April 2004 Cathy Hill Cook
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-05-02 22:23:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97872
Hi Cathy--
BIGGER THAN BIG IS GOD INTO ETERNITY FOREVER,
How wonderful is this poem and the above line which is the centerpiece of your theme, although
it isn't placed in the center. All your words of Praise for our God shows me so much WHO you
are and how you think in your inner being, and HOW you were raised. One can feel your soul
rapturing at God's Creation, and the fact that it is YOUR speck of the Island Shore--you
are sharing your overflowing cup with the readers. That one can feel so grateful is perhaps
the diamond in the gold here. Actually, sometimes I tune into the Catholic masses on Chanel
61 here just to hear the a capella (sp??) singing of the men or women, and I can hear this
poetic expression in the same melodic way.
I think you have used all the words there are to describe the heavenliness of this place and
your place therein. How fortunate you are! There is just something irrisitible about praise
and thanksgiving--it gathers people around you as surely as a light or flame draws a moth.
I am picking out some of my favorites--both for the pictures you draw and for the poetic alliteration
you have enticed our ears with.
majestic moments - speck of the Island Shore--atmosphere lets our worries
and frets fall and melt so free,--when the sun rises and falls,
God speaks to us Spiritually by his finger painting
colors separating his Heavenly walls.000000 This is especially poignant and fresh since you don't
hear of the sun "falling" as you have it here--but when you're around the water, it must seem indeed
that it falls right off the edge of the earth!
The twinkles of the stars are his Holy Angels,
the moon His Glorious Crown.000000000000000000This is describing a beautiful, grand church--only this
is outdoors. I can feel your love for Him!
The waves dressed in transparent white
are God’s edging of His lace on His Gown.
This is a prayer, Cathy--or a hymn--and includes your heart. It is much appreciated by this
reader. We are told to: if there be anything good or holy or pure-l-think on these things--and that
is exactly what you have done here. Such a fine tribute to your family's beautiful "speck" of
this earth. My Best--Marcia
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-04-29 21:23:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Dear Cathy
The poem speaks of a precious place, but I fear it does so a little too "tellingly". You only start to hit your stride in terms of imagery when you get to "God's countless people". Perhaps you intention was to keep it simple, but at the risk of being too tough on you, I think it is too lightweight, considering the ideas and overall feeling you are working to evoke.
For instance:
"Where we are so fortunate to experience
one of God’s many wonders that we have known.
There somehow its atmosphere lets our worries
and frets fall and melt so free,
The experiences at the Sea Shore
are so very Spiritual for our family."
I don't want to try to put words in your mouth, but there is too much "telling" here. How does it feel to feel fortunate? What could you compare it to to describe the specific kind of fortunateness that YOU feel? What makes the expepriences Spiritual? Why should we believe the simple assertion? You have to show us these things from the inside, as it were.
From YOUR inside.
Also, you need to watch your spelling and punctuation. You had "immages" in one place and "Gods" when it should've been "God's". I know that's pedantic, but mistakes like that usually grate on most readers.
Nevertheless, you have much to draw on that with some work could be made into a moving piece about connection with home.
With love
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-04-26 22:14:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Cathy:
Thank you for posting this lovely piece.
C: "Our family is so drawn
to the majestic moments at the Heavenly Sea,
God’s first days of creation
where the Heavens and Sea came to be." L: The narrator has such love for the families bit of
land by the sea that it is metaphorically presented as being brought about with the first days
of creation. Very nice!
The content of your poem is simply beautiful. "Twinkling stars, grains of sand, and, waves
dressed in transparent white." The wording is ethereal and very impressive. Since I am one of
those old fashioned "fools," who believes it ridiculous to suggest that what exists results
from a huge bang, it is particularly touching. [Although, when someone writes about evolution,I
read it objectively. It's just that it can't touch my heart, as I see it as fiction.]
I congratulate you for the accomplishnment, and thank you for the warm experience, milady.
Cathy, I lost the rhyme pattern for a few lines after "falls/walls," and picked it up again
with, "Crown/Gown." If you intended this, all is well, if not you may want to look at it.
Thank you for posting this fine work.
A fellow poet,
Lennard McIntosh
This Poem was Critiqued By: zen sutherland On Date: 2004-04-14 00:08:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Hi Cathy,
I generally don't go much for rhymed poetry, but your poem here isn't of the "lah-de-dah, lah-de-day" variety and this makes me like it! You mix and match up things and make for much more complex rhythms (like God's Complexity!).
I probably wouldn't have understood the "Hill's By The Sea" reference if i didn't see the Hill in your name, but then sometimes i'm slow. I like how the grains of sand are each one of us in both their immensity and tinyness. And, if you have ever looked closely at the grains caught in the ridges of our fingerprints - which you probably have - you know they're all so different!
The lines
Where we are so fortunate to experience
one of God’s many wonders that we have known.
is kind of confusing to me and maybe i'm not getting it, but would rather hear of one of the specific wonders than the mention of their many-ness.
And the God's fingerpainting the sky is a lovely image! Keep up the good work.
Thanks for sharing,
zen
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-11 16:50:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hi Cathy,
This is a very reverant poem written with a lot of passion for the Lord and 'the hills
by the sea'...how wonderful it is that your family has a beautiful place to go and
witness the wonders of God. You have some very pleasant rhyming throughout the piece and
loving thoughts in every line. You can easily tighten this up a bit and make it even
better. When I first started posting her I had the tendancy to use too many..'and's, or's,
and the's which in most cases can be eliminated and still not lose the thought of the poem.
For instance...'our worries and frets melt so free' you have said the same thing but with
less....'the waves, dressed in transparent white (very good)is God's gown of lace' Just
a couple of examples for you to think about...lose or use which ever you think best. I
am so pleased to see you posting here as it is not only a great poetry site with very
talented poets but a learning place, as well. Keep writing you have no where to go but up.
Blessings Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-07 22:21:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Cathy, you have put many beautiful images in this piece, mostly concerning the sea and life at the shore of the island. It does appear just a little didactic, esp. with the extensive use of capitalization that seems to attempt to emphasize even more the religious tone. I understood that "Hill's By The Sea" was probably a reference to the family name, and that was all right, but some of the others had me hesitating constantly.
Our family is so drawn
to the majestic moments at the Heavenly Sea, - [Am I missing the point/metaphor of these capitals?]
God’s first days of creation
where the Heavens and Sea came to be. - [and these?]
Our family call their speck of the Island Shore - [again here?]
“Hill’s By The Sea” that we own.
Where we are so fortunate to experience
one of God’s many wonders that we have known.
There somehow its atmosphere lets our worries
and frets fall and melt so free,
The experiences at the Sea Shore - ["seashore"?]
are so very Spiritual for our family. - [ Why not "spiritual"? Just curious.]
We call "The Moment Of The Day" our special time - [I accept this. It could be a name for a "family holiday".]
when the sun rises and falls,
God speaks to us Spiritually by his finger painting - ["spiritually"?]
colors separating his Heavenly walls.
At night we stand at the edge of the Sea Shore’s Island. - [Is this the name of a real island, or a metaphor?]
Seeing immages of God’s countless people - [sp. images]
being represented by each grain of sand.
The twinkles of the stars are his Holy Angels, - [Again, I think the capitals are an unnecessary distraction.]
the moon His Glorious Crown. - ["His" - yes, but "glorious crown" I think would be better.]
The waves dressed in transparent white
are God’s edging of His lace on His Gown. - [Okay, except I'd question "gown".]
As we look up and out at the sky
and Sea far beyond our sight, - ["sea"?]
We feel God’s All Knowing and Love - [Maybe, but I don't think all these caps would be necessary, esp. "We".]
of everything created by His Almighty Might. - [A tad redundant? "...by His might. His omnipotence is known?]
BIGGER THAN BIG IS GOD INTO ETERNITY FOREVER,
As each of Gods creations to Him
uniquely cherished and His very own Treasure. - ["treasure"?]
I know I'm being really picky, and will probably receive your wrath in the scoring, but I have to be honest with my opinions, or I could not justify my being here otherwise. If I missed the intent, I'd be glad to get an Email to explain my misdirection. It does have reverence, imagery and rhythm. I hope you'll clue me in to the other. Thanks for posting and sharing your enjoyment of the creations bestowed upon the world. wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-05 13:46:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
CHC-
Wondering about the 'form' of the poem.
Seems like it's long enough to use some spacing, just to give us some space.
Consider finding ways to break it up, which allows it to take on another perspective.
Also breaks the poem into managable parts, and allows for "reading between"
Something like:
Our family is [] drawn to the majestic moments at the Heavenly Sea,
God’s first days of creation where the Heavens and Sea came to be.
Our family call[s] their speck of the Island Shore “Hill’s By The Sea” that we own.
Where we are so fortunate to experience one of God’s many wonders that we have known.
There somehow its atmosphere lets our worries and frets fall and melt so free,
The experiences at the Sea Shore are so very Spiritual for our family.
We call "The Moment Of The Day" our special time when the sun rises and falls,
God speaks to us Spiritually by his finger painting colors separating his Heavenly walls.
At night we stand at the edge of the Sea Shore’s Island.
Seeing immages of God’s countless people [] represented by each grain of sand.
The twinkles of the stars are his Holy Angels, the moon His Glorious Crown.
The waves dressed in transparent white are God’s edging of His lace on His Gown.
As we look up and out at the sky and sea far beyond our sight,
We feel God’s All Knowing and Love of everything created by His Almighty Might.
BIGGER THAN BIG IS GOD INTO ETERNITY FOREVER,
As each of Gods creations to Him uniquely cherished and His very own Treasure.
or you could go with 4-line stanzas, splitting the long lines above.
This is a way to polish the furniture you have so reverently built.
tom
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