This Poem was Submitted By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-04-09 12:10:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Twisters

Winds, ravishing, whipping through the Midwest   Rain blowing sideways Spotters scouting the skies   Watches, warnings issued Watching the weather channel,   The radar, greens, yellows, reds Suddenly, sirens, dash to shelter   Please God, I pray, protect my loved ones The sound of a freight train   Magnified many times over Trees uprooted,    Tumbling onto houses and cars A piece of straw driven through a tree trunk   A wooden branch imbedded In the large fish’s mouth at the bait shop   Still there to this day Houses gone, foundations all that remains   Total devastation in the blink of an eye Survivors picking through the rubble   Looking for memories to salvage. Springtime in the Midwest.

Copyright © April 2004 Sherri L Smith


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-05-02 17:46:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93750
Sherri: I saw I was at the top of the critiquers so decided to look at more poems. Yours caught my eye because I live in "tornado alley" and wrote a poem about one (long ago). Winds ravishing, whipping through the Midwest Rain blowing sideways Spotters scouting the skies Watches, warnings issued Watching the weather channel, The radar, greens, yellows, reds... Your choice of verbs is very nice: ravish, whip,scout,watch, etc. I like "rain blowing sideways" as I have seen that occur and you realize this is no ordinary storm. Radar red: sufficient to raise the hairs on anyone's neck. Your allits are appealing as well in lines 3, 4, 5. Now the pace quickens. Suddenly sirens, dash to shelter Please God, I pray, protect my loved ones The sound of a freight train Magnified many times over Trees uprooted, Tumbling onto houses and cars... You've deftly depicted a landscape of ruination. Like the aftermath of a hurricane. Sirens and the dash to shelter as you pray are very realistic. I've always heard that twisters sound like freight trains. I have also heard about a straw being blown into a solid object. Again, Sherri, your linguistry works very well as the pace takes hold and I feel like rushing to the end. And your ending portrays the misery: Survivors picking through the rubble Looking for memories to salvage. Springtime in the Midwest. I see those shots on TV where people are picking through total debris, hopeful of finding one photo, you said memory which is perfect here. And as you tell us "in the blink of an eye." This is the season for tornadoes so we'd best buckle our seat belts and be ready to roll. A real action-packed poem that is sure to sell. You have been more successful than anyone at TPL in getting his/her work published. Good luck on this one, too. I see nothing that needs changing. Best, Mell


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-05-01 11:04:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Serri; This poem is a great depiction of your midwest nightmares. I have many friends that live in or have lived in the midwest and have heard the sirens, cowered in their basements (rightly so) and have cleaned their yards and towns for two weeks after the storms that do so much destruction. "Winds, ravishing, whipping through the Midwest Rain blowing sideways" A fantastic opening couplet that descibes the general mayhem...I can clearly see the horizontal rains. "Spotters scouting the skies Watches, warnings issued" Are there people actually hired to do this? or is it generally everybody's responsibility to be on the lookout and warn fellow citizens? I assume that it is the latter. "Watching the weather channel, The radar, greens, yellows, reds" Hopefully with the advent of newer technology and more available media outlets the chances of taking shelter have increased. "Suddenly, sirens, dash to shelter Please God, I pray, protect my loved ones" I imagine running to avoid the fury. A scary situation that I hope I never have to face. "The sound of a freight train Magnified many times over" I've heard of this analogy. Given that I am adverse to noise, it would be even more frightening for me. "Trees uprooted, Tumbling onto houses and cars" A piece of straw driven through a tree trunk A wooden branch imbedded" "In the large fish’s mouth at the bait shop Still there to this day" I am not sure that I understand this line, possibly referring to fish blown out of a lake? "Houses gone, foundations all that remains Total devastation in the blink of an eye" Speaks of the power...I can see that happening. "Survivors picking through the rubble Looking for memories to salvage." A sad but wonderfully described ending. It seems that people are always searching for the sentimental pieces in their lives that will bring them some measure of comfort after such a disaster. Your poem is well-written. I cannt find any fault in the format or flow. It was a pleasure to read over and over, despite the devastation and grim subject that many of you midwesterners face. TY for your perspective and time in posting this. Keep safe and take care. Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-16 22:12:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86047
Sherri, hi again! You have given us an abundance of vivid images regarding this marvel of nature. I think the poem would be so much stronger with a little polishing of those images. It reads almost like a list in the office of the local newspaper or broadcast studio. Also, the tenses of the many verbs seem to alter from present to past and back. There is a lot here to work with, and I like the power that's contained. I do not want to discourage this poem's development, but I do think I'd work on it a little more, but far be it from me to write someone else's experiences. Therefore, the only suggestion I'll include here will be to add some more colors and sounds, along with keeping the action in either past or present tense. Hope to see and hear your voice again soon. It definitely has the potential, and I know you can write very well from seeing your past submissions. If you don't re-post and want to email me with any comments, etc., feel free to do so. Best wishes and thanks for posting. Wayne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-04-15 16:46:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow...certainly glad I do not live in your part of the world poet where this happens each spring. Perhaps once in awhile we might have a twister touch down or a tornado visit the area but those too are far and few in between. Your words bring forth an image of total destruction from one storm....you can see the clouds as they form into tunnels, touching down, grabbing as they go and destroying all that is in their way. Sad to say this does happen more often then not in your part of the world......Spotters scouting the skies for any sign of danger approaching I presume and then warning signals might be going off? That alone should be enough to frighten you away from there. Do you have a safe place under ground that you are able to go to when such a storm strikes? Thanks for posting and sharing this with us. be safe my friend, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-12 01:13:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Sherry--you're slipping down my list--dammit, wish it wouldn't DO that! Please God, I pray, protect my loved ones This is the crux--and the reader knows it's a writer who has "lived some"--because her hope is not so much for herself as for her loved ones. We do reach that stage, don't we? I know God planned it that way. Sometimes I wonder if God really had a plan for people who were getting older--but, of course, he did--look at Sarah. This had to be terrifying! Looking for memories to salvage. Such a heart-wrenching statement. But I am guessing there is total truth in that--when everything is blown away--we look for memories to salvage. Probably a family picture is worth far more than the blender or toaster--or a chair. Rain blowing sideways Another really descriptive line--I have been in those kinds of rainstorms--but not twisters as you describe. But...no matter where you are, the forces of nature are so powerful, you ask: What is man that You are mindful of him--just like David. How anything survives these is a miracle in itself. Total devastation--survivors picking through the rubble--and really? a wooden branch imbedded in the large fish's mouth. I'm surprised, yet not, because I've heard such stories. But how we live thru them is another question. The alliteration adds to the storm somewhere: winds/whipping/spotters/scouting/skies/watches/warnings/ weather. Well, yes, weather--I guess so! Lots of alliteration, here, but I have a feeling, it was a little subconscious, because the storm itself is so primary that you would just "tell it" "tell it"--now I do really like the indentation of every other line--it looks so planned--and makes me think I should "plan" more myself--rather than just blabbing the thoughts and whipping them onto the page. Hmmmm. You can tell ME, next time you critique me. Springtime in the Midwest. (Sure makes me want to GO there--laughoutloud) The sound of a freight train--magnified. You know, I've heard "survivors" tell of avalanches that way. They could hear this terrible roar--then...the white wave. 'course that's survivors--the rest aren't talking. Well, nature is certainly a force. I wrote a critique of Mell's poem about the river and "felt" the force of the river--because standing there just makes me feel like a mite--a flea--so vulnerable. When I was younger (& could run) I didn't feel that way. I felt I had a chance--but now, nature's forces could smish me in a twinkle. Only God keeps us safe anyway. I implore Him hourly! Thanks for a great read--an insight into this terrible force--and thank God you all survived it. Impactful! Marcia
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-09 15:30:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hi Sherri, This is a chilling accounting of a twister/tornado. The imagery you have painted here is clear and scarey. We have only had one tornado in Cheyenne in the 43 years I have lived here but it did a lot of damage (our home was spared) and I don't think I have ever been so frieghtened....'winds ravishing, whipping...rain blowing sideways' we get a lot of horizontal rain and snow...it is always the most damaging....'sirens dash to shelter... please God' powerful words that depict this horrible show from Mother Nature....'sound of a frieght train...magnified..trees uprooted'...it does sound just like a frieght train but there is no engineer at the wheel to slow it down....'straw driven through a tree trunk' I have heard of this but not seen it...thank heavens!...'total devastation in a blink of an eye'...this is so typical of tornados. The one we had was on the ground for a little over two minutes...which I learned was a significant amount of time. The devastation was just horrible and three people died as a result....'picking through rubble looking for memories to salvage'...I just can't imagine how awful it would be to lose the things most precious to you such as pictures, old love letters, scrap books, and little momentos that were gathered over time and cannot be duplicated. I really enjoyed this poem as it is well written and uses powerful images that are compelling to read. Good job! Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-09 13:41:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38889
Hi Sherri- Nice to see one of yours on my list. We're cold up here in Minne- 42 today. I think the piece does a nice job creating the urgency that a twister brings. The ending is especially poignant with the rubble-browsing that goes on in the aftermath. From a technical standpoint, I like the line breaks and the indentation, the form serves your purpose well, especially the indentation to create some character and give it a nice look. The lack of any end punctuation doesn't hurt your piece, and I'm not sure it would help if there were any, your indentation has served that purpose. If I had to re-write this myself I would change a few things: Winds[] ravishing, whipping [] the Midwest Rain [sideways blows] Spotters scout[] the skies Watches, [W]arnings issued Watch[] the weather channel[:] Radar screens green, to yellows, the reds Suddenly Sirens, [a] dash to shelter Please God, [they] pray, protect my loved ones []as the freight train Magnified many times over Uproots trees, Tumbles into houses and cars Fires a straw [blade into] a tree trunk A wooden branch [e]mbedded In the [] fish’s mouth at the bait shop Still there to[]day House foundations all that remains [of the] Total devastation in [use another metaphor] Survivors picking through the rubble Salvaging for memories[]. That's my take on it. Thanks Sherri tom
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